I think I might be ready to let go, but still having a hard time doing so
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
I think I might be ready to let go, but still having a hard time doing so
This last couple of months with Chris in jail has been a roller coaster, and this is his 3rd time being incarcerated, but this time he hasn't been allowed to come home and I haven't been taking calls, so the only contact I have had is once a week for 1/2 hour. I feel like I have really changed. I'm starting to really like my life, like me. I am back to focusing on myself and my son, and also hanging out w/my friends and making plans. I had an awesome holiday weekend.
I have also met someone. Right now we are just friends, but there is definite attraction there. The thing is, at first, I thought it would just be harmless, but I think I am starting to really fall for him. He's nice, a really nice guy, and that in itself is uncomfortable for me, but the more I talk to him, the more I realize I like someone being nice to me, I trust him, he is really just so nice. I get butterflies thinking about him. He is also very understanding of the whole Chris situation.
But this is the deal. I FINALLY set a boundary with Chris. I told him at our visit last Saturday that when he gets out, he needs to go stay with his mom. This was HUGE for me. I told him I need him to prove he is really ready to put actions behind words. He tried every trick in the book to manipulate me (scare me) into giving in, but I didn't. I am so scared though that I will give in (once he gets out) and let him come and stay for one night, which will put me back into that old thinking again. My friend Tera says I need to pack the rest of his stuff and take it to his mom's, but I'm having a hard time doing that. Why is that so hard? I mean, it's like I'm still not wanting to let go of hope that he will change. Which honestly his attitude shows me he is not ready to change yet. I almost wish he was out and screwing up and then I wouldn't have to be the one to end it.
Is this normal? Any advice?
Edited to add: How do you know if you are really ready to let go? I kind of feel like although I still love Chris, I'm not in love like I was. And also, what is not making this easier is my son (who before did not want Chris there) is all excited and says he can't wait for Chris to get out.
I have also met someone. Right now we are just friends, but there is definite attraction there. The thing is, at first, I thought it would just be harmless, but I think I am starting to really fall for him. He's nice, a really nice guy, and that in itself is uncomfortable for me, but the more I talk to him, the more I realize I like someone being nice to me, I trust him, he is really just so nice. I get butterflies thinking about him. He is also very understanding of the whole Chris situation.
But this is the deal. I FINALLY set a boundary with Chris. I told him at our visit last Saturday that when he gets out, he needs to go stay with his mom. This was HUGE for me. I told him I need him to prove he is really ready to put actions behind words. He tried every trick in the book to manipulate me (scare me) into giving in, but I didn't. I am so scared though that I will give in (once he gets out) and let him come and stay for one night, which will put me back into that old thinking again. My friend Tera says I need to pack the rest of his stuff and take it to his mom's, but I'm having a hard time doing that. Why is that so hard? I mean, it's like I'm still not wanting to let go of hope that he will change. Which honestly his attitude shows me he is not ready to change yet. I almost wish he was out and screwing up and then I wouldn't have to be the one to end it.
Is this normal? Any advice?
Edited to add: How do you know if you are really ready to let go? I kind of feel like although I still love Chris, I'm not in love like I was. And also, what is not making this easier is my son (who before did not want Chris there) is all excited and says he can't wait for Chris to get out.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
SoConfused11 .....I can completely relate to how you are feeling right now. My ABF has been in and out of jail for not paying his child support and for various drinking-related charges, many times in the past, but only once since we have been together. My ABF was never allowed to come home while in jail; and this last time he was there for 5-1/2 months. I had never experienced jail or anything to do with it and I felt quite scummy when I had to go visit him every Saturday night for a whopping 30 minutes. I, too, became more independant during that 5-1/2 months and was beginning to feel pretty good, then BAM, he was home.
when he got home, I had JUST STARTED a new job making great money and things were starting to look up for me. My ABF got home the middle of November 2006 and did not work from that point until Feb. of this year....2008. I heard every lame excuse in the world about how hard it was on him, blah blah blah....
he had health issues (double hernia's) which prevented him from being able to do the work he was accustomed to doing. I struggled with finances and every other damn thing until finally in May of 2007, I had had enough!!! I told him to leave because I couldn't tak it anymore. The day I told him to leave I was the one who was the mess!!! I cried and cried and almost hyperventilated trying to explain to his sister WHY I couldn't take it anymore. After he left, the dog and the cat BOTH started whining and crying for him too. I truly thought I was losing my mind and after no sleep that night and 15 solid hours of crying and vomiting, I ended up going to his parent's house and bringing him home. Obviously I was not ready yet!
He agreed to have his surgery to he would feel better and I truly thought that afterwards I would see a drastic imptrovement in him. NOT!! He made a few attemps at finding a job, but he milked it to the very end of when the doctor said he could go back to work. Things were hectic from that time on....his son got married on 4th of July, his {best-friend} sister, died that same night unexpectadly and there were numerous family deaths and bad news that year. Then in Sept. of last year, after a HORRIBLE camping trip and drunk drunk crying drunk,drunk..........I again told him to leave!! I even packed hi stuff for him and felt like, and that time, I truly thought I would be able to do it!! The next week I was very sick and when he called me to check on me, I insisted that he come over and help take care of me. Well, that was September of last year and he has never left. At no time have I been buying his cigarettes nor his beer, but his friends have managed to keep him using the entire time!!!
I have gotten sidetracked here...........ONLY YOU will know when the time is right. I am fast approaching that time for myself again but want to make sure of myself this time!!! The fact that you are interested in someone else can be a plus for you, because they say it is always easier to leave if you have someone else waiting. In my case, there is no one else waiting but I am personally SICK AND TIRED of my life being turned upside down all the time and never having any happiness where he is involved. I have taken mental notes of things that have happened recently and I am quite sure the relationship needs to end. YES, I do love him DEARLY!! But, Love is NOT everything in a relatinoship.
Another reason I think it is so hard is because we all get accustomed to having that person around and we fear change, we fear hurting feelings, we wonder if we are making the right decisions. I'll tell you though, when you have many friends, and many family members shying away from you company or had them telling you "he needs to go", then I suggest we all take their comments seriously because they are the ones who know us the best. I could go on and on with this, but I hope I have made my point.
I wasn't meant to be EASY!!
when he got home, I had JUST STARTED a new job making great money and things were starting to look up for me. My ABF got home the middle of November 2006 and did not work from that point until Feb. of this year....2008. I heard every lame excuse in the world about how hard it was on him, blah blah blah....
he had health issues (double hernia's) which prevented him from being able to do the work he was accustomed to doing. I struggled with finances and every other damn thing until finally in May of 2007, I had had enough!!! I told him to leave because I couldn't tak it anymore. The day I told him to leave I was the one who was the mess!!! I cried and cried and almost hyperventilated trying to explain to his sister WHY I couldn't take it anymore. After he left, the dog and the cat BOTH started whining and crying for him too. I truly thought I was losing my mind and after no sleep that night and 15 solid hours of crying and vomiting, I ended up going to his parent's house and bringing him home. Obviously I was not ready yet!
He agreed to have his surgery to he would feel better and I truly thought that afterwards I would see a drastic imptrovement in him. NOT!! He made a few attemps at finding a job, but he milked it to the very end of when the doctor said he could go back to work. Things were hectic from that time on....his son got married on 4th of July, his {best-friend} sister, died that same night unexpectadly and there were numerous family deaths and bad news that year. Then in Sept. of last year, after a HORRIBLE camping trip and drunk drunk crying drunk,drunk..........I again told him to leave!! I even packed hi stuff for him and felt like, and that time, I truly thought I would be able to do it!! The next week I was very sick and when he called me to check on me, I insisted that he come over and help take care of me. Well, that was September of last year and he has never left. At no time have I been buying his cigarettes nor his beer, but his friends have managed to keep him using the entire time!!!
I have gotten sidetracked here...........ONLY YOU will know when the time is right. I am fast approaching that time for myself again but want to make sure of myself this time!!! The fact that you are interested in someone else can be a plus for you, because they say it is always easier to leave if you have someone else waiting. In my case, there is no one else waiting but I am personally SICK AND TIRED of my life being turned upside down all the time and never having any happiness where he is involved. I have taken mental notes of things that have happened recently and I am quite sure the relationship needs to end. YES, I do love him DEARLY!! But, Love is NOT everything in a relatinoship.
Another reason I think it is so hard is because we all get accustomed to having that person around and we fear change, we fear hurting feelings, we wonder if we are making the right decisions. I'll tell you though, when you have many friends, and many family members shying away from you company or had them telling you "he needs to go", then I suggest we all take their comments seriously because they are the ones who know us the best. I could go on and on with this, but I hope I have made my point.
I wasn't meant to be EASY!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Soconfused11 
How do you know if you are really ready to let go? .
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
I have also met someone. Right now we are just friends, but there is definite attraction there. The thing is, at first, I thought it would just be harmless, but I think I am starting to really fall for him. He's nice, a really nice guy, and that in itself is uncomfortable for me, but the more I talk to him, the more I realize I like someone being nice to me, I trust him, he is really just so nice. I get butterflies thinking about him. He is also very understanding of the whole Chris situation.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Refresh my memory, SoConfused, how long has your boyfriend been incarcerated? Most recovery programs recommend waiting for at least a year before making life-altering decisions like starting a new relationship. If you've been separated from your current boyfriend for a year or more, I say go for it. If not, then I'd recommend doing what most recovery programs suggest and wait at least a year before jumping to a new relationship.
This has proven to be solid advice for me. It has allowed me to focus on myself only without the constant distractions that arise when I'm in a new relationship. Like most codies, I tend to be obsessive-compulsive about new relationships and the thoughts of my new partner completely fill my head, so much so that I lose myself.
Even though it's been a full year since Richard's death, I still visit SR daily. I realize that I tend to be obsessive-compulsive when it comes to my partners and I need daily reminders to help me keep that behavior in check. And although I think about having a new partner one day, I realize that I still have a lot of learning, growing, and maturing to do before I venture back into the dating world. Besides, I'm really enjoying focusing only on myself for a change.
This has proven to be solid advice for me. It has allowed me to focus on myself only without the constant distractions that arise when I'm in a new relationship. Like most codies, I tend to be obsessive-compulsive about new relationships and the thoughts of my new partner completely fill my head, so much so that I lose myself.
Even though it's been a full year since Richard's death, I still visit SR daily. I realize that I tend to be obsessive-compulsive when it comes to my partners and I need daily reminders to help me keep that behavior in check. And although I think about having a new partner one day, I realize that I still have a lot of learning, growing, and maturing to do before I venture back into the dating world. Besides, I'm really enjoying focusing only on myself for a change.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by NeedHappiness
The fact that you are interested in someone else can be a plus for you, because they say it is always easier to leave if you have someone else waiting.
In my opinion, this is not a very healthy way to operate. It implies that there is something wrong with being out of a relationship. That somehow the new person will "fill the void" left by the old person. Until you are completely happy and satisfied with the relationship you have with yourself, other people will continue to disappoint you. Fulfillment comes from within, not from without.
L
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I've heard this described as being a "relationship orangutan." You swing from one relationship to another and can't quite "let go" of the last branch you were hanging on to until the next one is in your grasp.
In my opinion, this is not a very healthy way to operate. It implies that there is something wrong with being out of a relationship. That somehow the new person will "fill the void" left by the old person. Until you are completely happy and satisfied with the relationship you have with yourself, other people will continue to disappoint you. Fulfillment comes from within, not from without.
L
In my opinion, this is not a very healthy way to operate. It implies that there is something wrong with being out of a relationship. That somehow the new person will "fill the void" left by the old person. Until you are completely happy and satisfied with the relationship you have with yourself, other people will continue to disappoint you. Fulfillment comes from within, not from without.
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
SoConfused: I have too much unfinished business to even consider getting involved in a relationship with a new person.
I have realized in the past few months that although I might have said I was over past relationships and the damage they caused, I wasn't. I'm still healing from them. Until I figure out exactly why I tend to fall back into my old ways, there is no use in getting involved with anyone but myself.
Also, what about this nice, sweet guy? What if he really starts to care about you and you ultimately decide to go back to Chris? Where does that leave him? I realized, as codies, we are supposed to focus on ourselves and take care of our own needs, but I can't help but think it's sad for that person that you get involved with when you have a lot of unresolved issues. I have been here too and it hurts.
Only you can decide what you are ready for, but just a month ago you were posting about how upset you were over Chris and how he was your best friend and you couldn't imagine being without him. What changed besides a new distraction in your life?
I have realized in the past few months that although I might have said I was over past relationships and the damage they caused, I wasn't. I'm still healing from them. Until I figure out exactly why I tend to fall back into my old ways, there is no use in getting involved with anyone but myself.
Also, what about this nice, sweet guy? What if he really starts to care about you and you ultimately decide to go back to Chris? Where does that leave him? I realized, as codies, we are supposed to focus on ourselves and take care of our own needs, but I can't help but think it's sad for that person that you get involved with when you have a lot of unresolved issues. I have been here too and it hurts.
Only you can decide what you are ready for, but just a month ago you were posting about how upset you were over Chris and how he was your best friend and you couldn't imagine being without him. What changed besides a new distraction in your life?
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Thank you all for being so honest. That is def. what I love about this board and I think what has helped me so much by coming here before.
Well I'm not in a relationship, and am not ready to be in one, by any means. And I definitely have the codie pattern of obsessing over the new guy, and never focusing on me. My new friend called and wanted to go for ice cream last night and I turned him down because my son was at his friends house and I really just wanted some me time. I worked out, did some reading. I am really trying to be smart about this and he is a very understanding person on all of this. Doesn't try and control/persuade/change my mind. Which is very refreshing, and also helps me to see how unhealthy the relationship w/Chris really is, and how unhealthy my reactions were.
Still need to continue working on me and my recovery.
Well I'm not in a relationship, and am not ready to be in one, by any means. And I definitely have the codie pattern of obsessing over the new guy, and never focusing on me. My new friend called and wanted to go for ice cream last night and I turned him down because my son was at his friends house and I really just wanted some me time. I worked out, did some reading. I am really trying to be smart about this and he is a very understanding person on all of this. Doesn't try and control/persuade/change my mind. Which is very refreshing, and also helps me to see how unhealthy the relationship w/Chris really is, and how unhealthy my reactions were.
Still need to continue working on me and my recovery.
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