Up and Down, Up and Down....
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Up and Down, Up and Down....
Sometimes I swear that the God of my mis-understanding is playing with me 
.
My emotions have been all over the board lately, and almost seem to be revolving in a cycle. A week or two ago, I was so depressed... I kept imagining myself single, FAR away from alcoholics/addicts, living a life of peace and happiness. I would imagine meeting the PERFECT guy - He would have my husbands sense of humor and generousity, but would NOT drink or use... this man would take care of my needs, would NOT be selfish or egotistical. I think I was imagining my husband, if I could actually CHANGE things about him .
And having this "image" was self-defeating. I was not able to be grateful for what I DID have, I looked at things thru a negative haze. When I interacted with my husband during this time, I came across as just plain ANGRY... Why COULDN'T he be THAT man?!
When the madness did break... I felt better. In fact I had ONE day where I was on top of the world! I took extra time to play with my boys, went for a walk, laughed and enjoyed time with my husband... I was just happy. And there IS no explanation for this day; I can't think of anything I did differently - it was like God was giving me a "day off".
But he didn't let me rest for long...
Today, I am feeling down again... I am anticipating all the negativity to return (I know - "stinking thinking"). Part of it is that my husband is suddenly feeling low. WHAT?!! NO! He was the strong one lately... he was the one telling ME to remember "one day at a time", "you are not in control" etc. Last night he said "I feel low... I feel the dark side tugging at me".
Not the words you want to hear from a recovering A lol.
Anyhow, I wanted to just get this out... Sometimes it helps to expell it from your mind. I am thinking that I have a lot in inner healing to attend to - feelings that will continue to NAG at me until I pay them some attention. The very thought of having to dredge up the past is overwhelming... sigh....
Thanks guys,
Meg
.My emotions have been all over the board lately, and almost seem to be revolving in a cycle. A week or two ago, I was so depressed... I kept imagining myself single, FAR away from alcoholics/addicts, living a life of peace and happiness. I would imagine meeting the PERFECT guy - He would have my husbands sense of humor and generousity, but would NOT drink or use... this man would take care of my needs, would NOT be selfish or egotistical. I think I was imagining my husband, if I could actually CHANGE things about him
.And having this "image" was self-defeating. I was not able to be grateful for what I DID have, I looked at things thru a negative haze. When I interacted with my husband during this time, I came across as just plain ANGRY... Why COULDN'T he be THAT man?!
When the madness did break... I felt better. In fact I had ONE day where I was on top of the world! I took extra time to play with my boys, went for a walk, laughed and enjoyed time with my husband... I was just happy. And there IS no explanation for this day; I can't think of anything I did differently - it was like God was giving me a "day off".
But he didn't let me rest for long...
Today, I am feeling down again... I am anticipating all the negativity to return (I know - "stinking thinking"). Part of it is that my husband is suddenly feeling low. WHAT?!! NO! He was the strong one lately... he was the one telling ME to remember "one day at a time", "you are not in control" etc. Last night he said "I feel low... I feel the dark side tugging at me".
Not the words you want to hear from a recovering A lol.Anyhow, I wanted to just get this out... Sometimes it helps to expell it from your mind. I am thinking that I have a lot in inner healing to attend to - feelings that will continue to NAG at me until I pay them some attention. The very thought of having to dredge up the past is overwhelming... sigh....
Thanks guys,
Meg
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
((((( Meg! )))))
Why can't the road to recovery be a little less like an Appalachian backroad and a little more like an interstate in Kansas? (Caution 5mph, hairpin curve!)
It's the fourth of July! Find some frivolity involving fireworks and festivities and free your fussy forehead from those fickle furrows. Do nice things for you. Watch the lights... not the dark.
Hugs,
Smoke
Why can't the road to recovery be a little less like an Appalachian backroad and a little more like an interstate in Kansas? (Caution 5mph, hairpin curve!)
It's the fourth of July! Find some frivolity involving fireworks and festivities and free your fussy forehead from those fickle furrows. Do nice things for you. Watch the lights... not the dark.
Hugs,
Smoke
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
Meg,
I can totally hear what you are saying! My AH has also been doing better and with this holiday today he thinks it's his right to drink what he wants. We have a party to go to with co-workers of his and this is a new job he has just started last month. I agree with smoke that we must do something for ourselves today, enjoy our kids and try to keep our emotions intact.
Why is it that family holidays get overshadowed by Budweiser or Jim Beam?? Keep positive and who knows, maybe both of our AH will surprise us.
Lots of hugs and support your way.
maryl
I can totally hear what you are saying! My AH has also been doing better and with this holiday today he thinks it's his right to drink what he wants. We have a party to go to with co-workers of his and this is a new job he has just started last month. I agree with smoke that we must do something for ourselves today, enjoy our kids and try to keep our emotions intact.
Why is it that family holidays get overshadowed by Budweiser or Jim Beam?? Keep positive and who knows, maybe both of our AH will surprise us.
Lots of hugs and support your way.
maryl
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sometimes it really stinks that WE are how THEY are. 
It has taken me forever to learn to keep the focus on MY happiness regardless of how he is.
Like Smoke says, keep your eyes on the light.
Sending hugs and a big Roman candle.
It has taken me forever to learn to keep the focus on MY happiness regardless of how he is.
Like Smoke says, keep your eyes on the light.
Sending hugs and a big Roman candle.
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Thanks so much guys,
I feel a little better... the day was not half as bad as I anticipated (it's always like that - the future I THINK will be, is never quite so bad).
Smoke, Happy July 4th! and a Smoke-free one for you! Unfortunatly, being in Canada, I won't see any fireworks tonight - unless I drive to White Rock, take out the binoculars, and stare out across the ocean to somewhere in Birch Bay Washington lol. But I got the message - get out and do something fun... kick up my heels, let my hair down... ya ya ya... I get it This thought is ringing in my ears, as I have got to be the worlds most closed off human being - I have to FORCE myself to let loose.
Maryl, so many of the holidays in our past have been tainted by his drinking/using... I feel for ya. If only I had the knowledge you do, and I do NOW to get thru those times in a healthier way.
Ann... Thanks for the encouragement - I got your candle and am setting up Noma yard lights around my lawn for extra protection lol.
Take care guys
Meg
I feel a little better... the day was not half as bad as I anticipated (it's always like that - the future I THINK will be, is never quite so bad).
Smoke, Happy July 4th! and a Smoke-free one for you! Unfortunatly, being in Canada, I won't see any fireworks tonight - unless I drive to White Rock, take out the binoculars, and stare out across the ocean to somewhere in Birch Bay Washington lol. But I got the message - get out and do something fun... kick up my heels, let my hair down... ya ya ya... I get it
This thought is ringing in my ears, as I have got to be the worlds most closed off human being - I have to FORCE myself to let loose.Maryl, so many of the holidays in our past have been tainted by his drinking/using... I feel for ya. If only I had the knowledge you do, and I do NOW to get thru those times in a healthier way.
Ann... Thanks for the encouragement - I got your candle and am setting up Noma yard lights around my lawn for extra protection lol.
Take care guys
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Meg, a different slant on things
Maybe what you were thinking was your true self imagining a good partner for you. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe it was just your soul reminding you that you deserve someone warm and wonderful. Nothing wrong with that either. In order to get to the pot of gold on the treasure map...we must first follow the directions.
Now I will agree with Smoke and suggest that you indulge in something frivolous for a while. I've got some sparklers, wanna come over?
Peace,
Gabe
Now I will agree with Smoke and suggest that you indulge in something frivolous for a while. I've got some sparklers, wanna come over?
Peace,
Gabe
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Sparklers! Perfect... they denote that there is a reason to celebrate. OK... I'll be over around 8pm - But u mind if I bring my boys? :p
I think u are right tho...
It may just be heart reminding my brain of what I DO deserve. A Pot of Gold? WHERE?!!
Take care
Meg
:p I think u are right tho...
It may just be heart reminding my brain of what I DO deserve. A Pot of Gold? WHERE?!!
Take care
Meg
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