loner1968

Hi all,
I have been wondering about the part I played during my relationship with my XABF. I have been reading "codependent no more" and have read and re-read every post I can find on here and I feel that I have really made some progress in my own recovery. of course I have days when i feel like I am slipping back into my old thought pattern since it is so ingrained...but I read and tell myself to remember what i have learned etc...and it gets a little better.

I am now aware of the role I played in the realtionship and this is about me and me only...I KNOW now that I did and said things during stressful times and some of my actions were out of line and I was out of control in my codependency. I had no idea then that's what it was. I often felt self righteous and threw around alot of blame...I lived in a world where I was always having something "done to me" I was out of my mind but thought I ws so right.

There were a couple of times, one in particular, when the X tried to tell me about his problems and i reacted by telling him that it was his problem etc...which is supposedly what one is supposed to do but I remember being so mad that he told me after he told everyone else. I felt that I knew he would not listen to me or really do anything to change so I closed myself off and went into a stage of denial that is just now, years later, starting to come down.

I have been feeling pangs of guilt and I know its because i acted wrong. It was so many years ago but it always bothered me and it has been coming into my head more and more recently. There is no way to make ammends to him for this so i am wondering...how do i make ammends to myself?

I realize now that he could not tell me anything because of the way i reacted to everything. I was so beaten down that I would rather have closed off and built up a wall than to try to listen to him. I was a real bitch about it.

The past is the past i know but not being able to get it out and explain that I know I was wrong is bothering me. I dont really think it would matter because he has moved on and we are not in contact. There is no way I would ever contact him for this. Anyone here have experience in this department?

underwood

I am also reading Codependent No More and find that I can relate to much of what you say. What is really important is to give yourself a break. We all make mistakes and are not proud of how we have acted from time to time. Keep your recovery in perspective. It is great that you are discovering good and bad about your experiences because from what I have been reading, that will make you progress into what you want to be...whole and healthy. I feel that I am finally doing something about me and that is empowering. Good Luck!

GiveLove

Loner,
We could not know five years ago what we know today.
We could not know ten years ago what we knew five years ago.
We could not know the stuff at age ten that we'd someday know at age 25.

Julia Cameron has a great quote in The Artist's Way that says something like, "We've all done the best we could, with the light we had to see by at the time."

We could keep ourselves busy for a lifetime trying to go back in time and "know then what we know now," apologizing to everybody and their brother for what we didn't yet know how to handle. Can you see that?

Cut yourself some slack. Forgive yourself for not being born with infinite knowledge on how to handle relationships. Forgive yourself for not being perfect, for making mistakes. Forgive yourself for not having a time machine. Focus instead on what kind of person you want to be from now on -- what you will do differently, how you'll honor yourself and treat others from this point forward.

That's all you can control. Treat yourself with love and understanding, PROTECT yourself from abuse and disrespect, and you will find a joy in being alive that most people just dream of.

You are making great strides forward!

Barbara52

I find it much more difficult to forgive myself than to forgive others. But I also find it brings peace when I do forgive myself.

Ask forgiveness of your HP and believe that you are forgiven. You may be amazed at the peace you can find.

LaTeeDa

Isn't it awesome that you can see those experiences as lessons? Isn't it wonderful that you recognize your own behaviors that didn't serve you well? Isn't it great that going forward, you have a choice to behave in ways that enhance your life?

L

Lilyflower

Forgive yourslef, you are only human and the healthy human way is to learn as you grow, hence my signitures....

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lilyflower

I believe we are presented with similar situations/issues again and again until we have learnt how best to deal with them. This has certainly been true for me!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kindeyes

You are already making amends to yourself. You are talking about it. Getting it out there on the table to look at. Recognizing that you may not have handled things in the best way. Now it is time to forgive.

I have to concentrate on my recovery process every single day. And even at that I slip up and do something that is totally codie-ish. The difference is that now I can recognize it, acknowledge it, forgive myself and move forward. We are humans. We all make mistakes. We are not perfect and that's ok.

gentle hugs