Venting some & still confused....
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 66
Venting some & still confused....
So, the RAH is still in living in FL as far as I know. Lately, we have been talking more than usual (although radomly) through text messages. He's apparently opening up more, but with all the lies in the past it's very hard to pick out what's real & what's not now. He still has not given me an address where he's living even when I have mentioned it to him. He changes the subject or says he didn't mean to not give it to me. Even when he asked me to send him envelopes, he still didn't give me the address!
He's still not working, or so he says. I am getting NO support for our 2 girls at all. He doesn't even ask about them & only knows the things he does because I offer up that info on my own & ocassionally send him pics through his email. He's telling me that he loves us, can't come "home" until he gets himself straight, still doesn't know how long that will be, doesn't want to be alive sometimes, doesn't know if he belongs in a family, is sorry, can't see himself being with me after what he did to me & is talking about our family's plans for the future (house, doing things with the girls, says he should have hugged us more, etc...)
It's almost as if he believes he can be away for as long as he wants & then just pop back into our lives & things are supposed to be perfect. Like the girls are just going to run up to him with their arms wide open yelling "daddy!" My 4 yr old is at the point where she won't even talk to him on the phone anymore, but will talk to other people. She's stopped asking about him even when she sees his picture. The baby (17 mos) doesn't even remember him & stopped saying "dada" months ago. I show her pictures of him, but she doesn't seem intersted. It's not my relationship with my RAH that I'm worried about. It's his relationship with our girls. Right now, there is no relationship.
He says he's sober but I haven't seen him in 6 mos. I have no idea if he trully is sober or not. He said that he almost came up (to VA) this weekend, but didn't because he can't act off his emotions like he used to do. He said he really wants to be here but he can't right now & it hurts him. I'm glad that he's in recovery but I feel like I have traded in a husband/father who was "around" sometimes (even though he was an AH) for a sober husband who isn't around at all. It feels like he just pushed us aside & is going on with his life, but making excuses again as to why he can't be around for us. He has no job & could be anywhere he wanted to be, but decided on FL where he has no family instead of here & now says he doesn't want to be there. IMO, if he really doesn't want to be there, he can change that.
As for me, I am doing much better. It's only when the girls are being really aggrivating that I get angry at my RAH for basically leaving us to do his own thing. Being in recovery doesn't excuse him from being a father to his kids.
Just needed to vent a little.....
He's still not working, or so he says. I am getting NO support for our 2 girls at all. He doesn't even ask about them & only knows the things he does because I offer up that info on my own & ocassionally send him pics through his email. He's telling me that he loves us, can't come "home" until he gets himself straight, still doesn't know how long that will be, doesn't want to be alive sometimes, doesn't know if he belongs in a family, is sorry, can't see himself being with me after what he did to me & is talking about our family's plans for the future (house, doing things with the girls, says he should have hugged us more, etc...)
It's almost as if he believes he can be away for as long as he wants & then just pop back into our lives & things are supposed to be perfect. Like the girls are just going to run up to him with their arms wide open yelling "daddy!" My 4 yr old is at the point where she won't even talk to him on the phone anymore, but will talk to other people. She's stopped asking about him even when she sees his picture. The baby (17 mos) doesn't even remember him & stopped saying "dada" months ago. I show her pictures of him, but she doesn't seem intersted. It's not my relationship with my RAH that I'm worried about. It's his relationship with our girls. Right now, there is no relationship.
He says he's sober but I haven't seen him in 6 mos. I have no idea if he trully is sober or not. He said that he almost came up (to VA) this weekend, but didn't because he can't act off his emotions like he used to do. He said he really wants to be here but he can't right now & it hurts him. I'm glad that he's in recovery but I feel like I have traded in a husband/father who was "around" sometimes (even though he was an AH) for a sober husband who isn't around at all. It feels like he just pushed us aside & is going on with his life, but making excuses again as to why he can't be around for us. He has no job & could be anywhere he wanted to be, but decided on FL where he has no family instead of here & now says he doesn't want to be there. IMO, if he really doesn't want to be there, he can change that.
As for me, I am doing much better. It's only when the girls are being really aggrivating that I get angry at my RAH for basically leaving us to do his own thing. Being in recovery doesn't excuse him from being a father to his kids.
Just needed to vent a little.....
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sorry you AH is acting the way he is. But all you can do is take care of yourself and your children. They need you to be the caretaker and role model they need. The 4 yr old may benefit from seeing a child therapist. That therapist may also be able to give you information on the best way to handle all that is going on to help your children as much as possible. It sure sounds like you are going to be a single parent (at the least for a while) and should plan of life proceeding that way.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Does it matter if its normal in recovery or not?
The real question is: Is it acceptable to you? If yes, carry on as you are. If not, what do you want to change in your life?
A lot of bad behavior can be laid on the alcoholism. A lot of bad behavior can be laid on other things such as someone not wanting to be a responsible husband and father (or wife and mother). Regardless of the specific reasons for his behaviors, are his behaviors and choices acceptible to you?
The real question is: Is it acceptable to you? If yes, carry on as you are. If not, what do you want to change in your life?
A lot of bad behavior can be laid on the alcoholism. A lot of bad behavior can be laid on other things such as someone not wanting to be a responsible husband and father (or wife and mother). Regardless of the specific reasons for his behaviors, are his behaviors and choices acceptible to you?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 38
Barb as always has wise advise.
Don't know what is normal. Can say you are not alone.
-- My AW too said she loved me, but didn't act accordingly, even while abstaining, and I am squarely in the camp of "love" is a verb
-- My AW too seemed to believe that she could completely mentally check-out of our marriage because her white-knuckling was so difficult/whatever to her, and that I should be fine with it and patiently wait for her to decide to become a full partner in our relationship again, at her convenience. It wasn't quite as dramatic as moving to FL in my case, but emotionally she may have well have.
At least I am an adult. It breaks my heart to read in your post about your kids and their loss of their connection to their father. I guess there is nothing you can do about that except to keep being a great Mom. Be proud of yourself for fighting the good fight on that front!!
Don't know what is normal. Can say you are not alone.
-- My AW too said she loved me, but didn't act accordingly, even while abstaining, and I am squarely in the camp of "love" is a verb
-- My AW too seemed to believe that she could completely mentally check-out of our marriage because her white-knuckling was so difficult/whatever to her, and that I should be fine with it and patiently wait for her to decide to become a full partner in our relationship again, at her convenience. It wasn't quite as dramatic as moving to FL in my case, but emotionally she may have well have.
At least I am an adult. It breaks my heart to read in your post about your kids and their loss of their connection to their father. I guess there is nothing you can do about that except to keep being a great Mom. Be proud of yourself for fighting the good fight on that front!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 66
My 4 yr old & the rollie pollies....
Just the other day we were sitting out on the front porch when she noticed some rollie pollies on the step. She bent down to get a closer look & said, "There's a mommy & the babies but no daddy."
I asked her where the daddy was & she said, "He's not there."
Then, she said, "Oh wait. I see him. He's just sleeping."
I almost wanted to cry. I guess that was her way of vocalizing what she understands, with play. I told my husband that little story & he signed his last email "the daddy rollie pollie."
Just the other day we were sitting out on the front porch when she noticed some rollie pollies on the step. She bent down to get a closer look & said, "There's a mommy & the babies but no daddy."
I asked her where the daddy was & she said, "He's not there."
Then, she said, "Oh wait. I see him. He's just sleeping."
I almost wanted to cry. I guess that was her way of vocalizing what she understands, with play. I told my husband that little story & he signed his last email "the daddy rollie pollie."
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
((((Confused))))
I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. My XAH left town, too, and while he occasionally sees the children, I fear the inconsistency is worse than nothing.
I'm trying to focus on myself, working through the trauma of marriage to an out of control person, and finding myself so I can be what my children need me to be.
I admit the idea of being alone terrifies me--which is very funny because I was basically alone all the time in the marriage and we've been separated a year, and I clearly can survive.
You can survive, too--you are doing it.
Your RAH has no right to take that rollie pollie story and use it to make you feel sorry for HIM. I'm sorry but recovery that includes abandoning your children is selfish and ridiculous. Real adult people stay in their childrens' lives through all kinds of adversity--including terminal illness. What a crock of #$%^ that he's "not ready" to be a father to his children. A lot of times I'm not in the mood to parent my children too (who is always perfect?), but that is just not an option for an adult. I wouldn't cut him any slack in that area. JMHO.
I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. My XAH left town, too, and while he occasionally sees the children, I fear the inconsistency is worse than nothing.
I'm trying to focus on myself, working through the trauma of marriage to an out of control person, and finding myself so I can be what my children need me to be.
I admit the idea of being alone terrifies me--which is very funny because I was basically alone all the time in the marriage and we've been separated a year, and I clearly can survive.
You can survive, too--you are doing it.
Your RAH has no right to take that rollie pollie story and use it to make you feel sorry for HIM. I'm sorry but recovery that includes abandoning your children is selfish and ridiculous. Real adult people stay in their childrens' lives through all kinds of adversity--including terminal illness. What a crock of #$%^ that he's "not ready" to be a father to his children. A lot of times I'm not in the mood to parent my children too (who is always perfect?), but that is just not an option for an adult. I wouldn't cut him any slack in that area. JMHO.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
If he is that unhealthy emotionally (and it sounds like he is really struggling to me), then it's probably best that he doesn't see the kids. Children are much smarter than most folks give them credit for, and seeing their father in a weakened condition will only cause them stress.
As Richard became sicker, I distanced myself from him. What I didn't notice so much was that he was also distancing himself from me. He moved to a different city and most times our only contact was via phone. He frequently would say things like "what's the use in living," or "I stopped taking all my medications because what's the use."
It seems that his drinking was masking a much deeper problem. I believe depression is common in alcoholics. It's a form of self-medication. Take away the medication and they can become seriously depressed. In the end I realized that Richard was not only not present in my life, he was not present in his life, either.
Alcholism is a tragic disease. It robs our loved ones of their dignity, self-esteem, independence, emotions, and often times their lives. I look back now and realize that Richard's absence in my life (emotional and then physical) was a gift. Watching him fall into the deep abyss that was alcoholism was far too much for me to bear.
Sometimes blessings come from unexpected sources and are hard to see until the fog begins to lift.
Whether Richard retreated in an attempt to drink himself to death, save himself, or save me doesn't matter. What matters is that I survived the tragedy that is alcoholism. And I am a stronger, better, wiser, kinder, and more compassionate person as a result.
Is his absence from you and your daughters' lives a gift or a curse? That's for you to decide.
As Richard became sicker, I distanced myself from him. What I didn't notice so much was that he was also distancing himself from me. He moved to a different city and most times our only contact was via phone. He frequently would say things like "what's the use in living," or "I stopped taking all my medications because what's the use."
It seems that his drinking was masking a much deeper problem. I believe depression is common in alcoholics. It's a form of self-medication. Take away the medication and they can become seriously depressed. In the end I realized that Richard was not only not present in my life, he was not present in his life, either.
Alcholism is a tragic disease. It robs our loved ones of their dignity, self-esteem, independence, emotions, and often times their lives. I look back now and realize that Richard's absence in my life (emotional and then physical) was a gift. Watching him fall into the deep abyss that was alcoholism was far too much for me to bear.
Sometimes blessings come from unexpected sources and are hard to see until the fog begins to lift.
Whether Richard retreated in an attempt to drink himself to death, save himself, or save me doesn't matter. What matters is that I survived the tragedy that is alcoholism. And I am a stronger, better, wiser, kinder, and more compassionate person as a result.
Is his absence from you and your daughters' lives a gift or a curse? That's for you to decide.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Confused757 
My 4 yr old & the rollie pollies....
Just the other day we were sitting out on the front porch when she noticed some rollie pollies on the step. She bent down to get a closer look & said, "There's a mommy & the babies but no daddy."
I asked her where the daddy was & she said, "He's not there."
Then, she said, "Oh wait. I see him. He's just sleeping."
I almost wanted to cry. I guess that was her way of vocalizing what she understands, with play. I told my husband that little story & he signed his last email "the daddy rollie pollie."
Just the other day we were sitting out on the front porch when she noticed some rollie pollies on the step. She bent down to get a closer look & said, "There's a mommy & the babies but no daddy."
I asked her where the daddy was & she said, "He's not there."
Then, she said, "Oh wait. I see him. He's just sleeping."
I almost wanted to cry. I guess that was her way of vocalizing what she understands, with play. I told my husband that little story & he signed his last email "the daddy rollie pollie."
That is exactly the sort of thing a good child psychologist will do to help her work on all that she is feeling. And will understand what it means on a deeper level and help you act in ways to help your daughter.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
Alcholism is a tragic disease. It robs our loved ones of their dignity, self-esteem, independence, emotions, and often times their lives.
I agree with FormerDoormat, his absence is probably a blessing for the kids!
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