freeflower

It has been 4 weeks now that i moved away from 28 years of marrage, my beloved dogs and my home of 22 years. I have a very nice little apartment with my 3 cats. I have a wonderful support system of friends and grown children. i have a future of peace with no ah to confuse me and make me fell like nothing yet I still am having a hard time feeling anything. I thought I would be more motivated to do something like go for walks, read, call people to things etc. but I haven't done those things for so long now...years actually, that I can't seem to do it now!!!!!!!!! I spent yesterday with ah. Our granddaughter, out first, was baptised. I drove over and picked him up and he says, "you look nice". That was it for personal chat. The rest was about the weather. I spent alot of years detaching from this man, quietly. I want him to find himself, and get some happiness but I think he is sitting there feeling the same as me...nothing. But we felt nothing for years, so what is the difference. He has told my dd's that he is going to start conciling thru work and that he can stop drinking if he wants too. He says he isn't drinking now. he also has not told his elderly father about our seperation. For years I was the one to participate in my kids lives. he was always wroking, stopping for drinks after work, coming home and passing out. Or he bartended for extra money. I have always worked a steady job with insurance and such and he had his own busines so he didn't have the same punch the clock life as me. When my kids all left home, it was hard for me because they were my life. For him, it wasn't any different because he was never there before. In the middle of these years, the drinking excapades still went on with him to the point of 3 duis in 28 years, the last 2, 8 months apart. By year 20 of our marrage I was so unhappy and sick of the drinking. Not like some of you, we never had violence and he was always home. he could only last till around 8 pm with his drinking before having to pass out usually sitting straight up on the couch.When the 2 duis came I finally had enough and he knew it. he quietly moved in with his dad than a friend. All the while writing me notes of his love for me. I broke and decided to help him. He was court ordered to go go to rehab and he did, he spent jailtime and I drove him all over until he got his temp licence back. I decided that I had to help him ...again and he promised me that things would be good forever. No more booze. So we really connected for about 6 months, I trying to help him with everything to make him feel loved and more like a man should feel and than...he started sneaking drinks again. I know when he has even had one by his uncharacteristic chattiness and instead of reacting, i sat silent in disbelief. For the next 7 years, I watched him evolve into this secret drinker and said hardly anything. By this point, we had stopped sleeping together all together. The thought of him trying to make love to me made me sick and I detached. A big drinking incident that was the deal breaker for me happened and I've been cold ever since and finally moved. He hasn't said don't leave or I will change, just you won't belive anything I say so I won't say anything at all. Whew, what a ramble trying to explain my "life" in a few words to complete strangers.
Might I ad that my mother just passed awya 6 months ago from cancer. She lived three houses away and I and my sister where her care givers. SO the last 2 years I was consumed with this pain and still have not excepted that she is gone. Again I feel nothing. Now his father is to old to drive and ah has to care for him. And yes, I know he is back to driving with a few under his belt..with his dad in the car.
Will I feel again? Is this normal to not know how to get back into life? Just to note, we live in a small town so this is major gossip and foder for speculation. My co workers also don't know about his mainly becasue I don't air my dirty laundry to them and now it is breaking at work..again, speculation and rumors. God, I hope this makes some sence. What do you think? ff

I want to be Happy!

Barbara52

I'm sorry you are feeling such pain. THat is what I see in your words. Are you in individual therapy? You might want to give it a try if not because you have gone thru an awful lot and a therapist can help you find your way thru it all. The grief of losing a parent on top of the grief of losing a marriage can be very hard to navigate thru.

bookwyrm

Hang it there freeflower. It sounds as if you're still in mourning (mother and marriage), you've gone through a lot lately. Give yourself a bit of time and don't be so hard on yourself.

freeflower

Just to ad..symbolically, the memorial day parade just passed by my window. kinda like life passing me by. Therapy should be my next route I know. Being in limbo sucks. We haven't talked of divorce and I still have to travel 4 days a week to our home while he works second shift to care for our dogs..feed them and let them out, so going "home" to a different feeling house that is spattered with part of our belongings and history is kind of like running in heavy sand. We where going to find new homes for the dogs but I wasn't ready for that. They came into my life during the 7 years of detaching and well if your an animal lover of any sort, you will understand my need to not make them suffer for our problems..............

nowinsituation

Freeflower -- In answer to your question whether feeling numb is normal, I would definately say yes. We are in very similar situations; I moved out almost 7 months ago. At first I would describe it as being on "auto pilot". I was very focused and business like dealing with all the details of setting up a new household. I actually moved twice within 3 months -- setting up phone, utilities, etc., not to mention packing and unpacking -- twice!! I was like the ducks in my avatar -- calm on the top but paddling like h*** beneath the surface. For me the numbness passed, and I felt incredibly sad and angry. That is passing now, too. It seems it is a process, keep focusing on yourself. I have been going to Alanon which helps. I did some therapy which helped some (maybe I didn't have the right therapist); and I read and pray alot! Good luck to you!

Chrysalis123

Wow, Freeflower, you have been through a lot of very difficult things. I am sorry for your pain. Your inner strength jumped out at me when I saw all that you have done to survive. That strength will see you through this too.

I am leaving a 20 year relationship also, and I would say numb characterized me for sometime several times during the marriage. I was also completely in denial and when the scales fell from my eyes it was a big shock. I went from numb to extreme grief to rage for about a year. Atleast I was beginning to thaw out from being numb.


This part of your post helped me: He hasn't said don't leave or I will change, just you won't belive anything I say so I won't say anything at all.

My AH behaves just like this and he regularly lies to me. For the life of me I can't understand it and I guess part of my sickness is thinking that I should be able to understand the behavior of an alcoholic versus taking care of myself.

I also live in a small town and face the gossip. My 48 year old STBXAH has really stirred the pot since we aren't yet divorced and his new girlfriend is 24. I have decided to mind my own business, cry when I need to, rage when I need to, see my counselor, attend alanon, call my sponsor, read and educate myself and realize that this is out of my control. Peace to you Freeflower and take extra special care of you today!