Help stop me from driving over there! Talk me back down into reality! VERY LONG....
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Help stop me from driving over there! Talk me back down into reality! VERY LONG....
It is so ironic that I joined and started posting a few days ago.
Little did I know how much my world was going to crash so soon after I posted.
If you read my intro post, you'll get a better understanding but briefly, my
husband of 14 years has been gone since Sept '07 since I finally told him to choose between getting help & severing the destructive relationships with his drinking buddies, ect or his wife and family. But we've been pretty much "together" other than living together though. I think that may have been much of the problem as he was having his cake and eating it too so to speak. Still a couple, I was / am financially dependent on him as he left when I was finishing up my last semester of nursing school. Looking back he had it pretty good, had his freedom and still got to enjoy a relationship with me. If he came over and the kids were driving him nuts, he was free to get up and leave. If he wanted to go out on the weekends, no one was there to give him grief about it. Yet he still had me as his wife, still enjoyed the benefits of all that. What was I thinking??????????
Anyhow, we've been recently talking about him moving back in. Mainly because right now neither one of us can survive financially as two seperate households. I havent found a job yet, maybe this coming week, its a long story, but the thinking was that since we were still "so madly in love" and missed each other terribly, maybe he could move back in. BUT he had to begin to work on the issues, which made him hem and haw and made him very indecisive. Then (and this is where my first post here came in) he called me up and told me that if I wanted him to move back in, then okay, but I asked for it. And that there were things he wasnt going to do: like not deal with his mother and not give up his drinking buddies.
So at that point I told him, well, we don't have to decide right now. Because duh to me, he was no where near ready to move back in.
So, we stood where we've been.....he calling me constantly telling me how much he loves me, how i am his whole world, how he just had to call me to hear my voice because its o soothing to him, how if he couldnt have me he doesnt ever want anyone, how he doesnt ever want to live without me, blah, blah, blah....
Well, as I spent all day Friday obsessing over what to do about "us," the phone rings at 11:16pm. It is his cell. I answer it and some voice I dont know says "who is this?" my first thought was he was at a bar passed out or something and someone was trying to call me and tell me, or something equally terrible.
I told the person my name, there was music blaring in the background.
The person says "well you aint his f-ing honey anymore!" <in his cell phone address book, "Honey" is listed for my number> I didnt really understand what was said so I said "what?" the woman said "you heard me, you aint his f-ing honey anymore!" I said "oh, well, that's fine then" trying to be nonreactive and casual sounding. She then says "that's fine then? that's not what you were saying the other night!" I kind of laughed and hung up the phone.
I waited for him to call me back while I said and replayed it all in my mind.
I started trembling uncontrollably.
I called his house phone, my stepson answered, I asked for my AH, well stepson didnt even know AH was gone. Turns out he supposedly had gone with a woman he knew (its complicated - 16 years ago before I knew him he had a brief fling with a woman, got her pregnant and then agreed to sign his rights over regarding the baby. This child, a boy, had recently found him and wanted a relationship with my AH - this woman ended up being this boys mother) I knew my AH was having a boys weekend at his house with his two sons and this boy that was adopted out and this boys younger brother was also going to come along. They were to hang out, play video games and watch movies Friday night. My AH knew I was going to be alone all Friday night and into Saturday afternoon, as it was one of those rare weekends where my 4 dd's at home had plans with different friends. AH told me to enjoy my peaceful night and he'd see me later this weekend since he'd be busy with the boys. And so, at 11:16pm I was half asleep when I got this strange phone call.
<<<Are y'all still with me?>>>>>
So anyhow, after talking to my stepson and the boy that was adopted out that were at AH's apt, the story was that my AH and this boys mother went to the next town to pick up the woman's youngest son to take him back to my AH's apt. Apparently AH and this woman had been gone for a while.
Putting two and two together, I'm realizing the woman in the phone call must have been this woman.
I sat an waited for an explanation phone call, didnt come. After an hour it was now 12:30am, I was still shaking uncontrollably and didnt know what to do. I was beyond furious.
I emailed him asking him what the heck that phone call was all about, who the heck that woman was calling me from his phone, what the heck she was talking about, why did he not call me to explain? Surely this was some joke or something?!?!?!
I then got all crazy and took a couple of my framed wedding photos off the wall and drove over there. I parked out front and walked around back to where his bedroom window is right next to the back door to his apt.
So, its about 12:50am and the bedroom window is open, I stand under the window and see and hear them in there enjoying each others company, talking. So, I take my rings off my fingers throw them down to the cement, take my wedding pics and smash the pics/frames down on the cement and walk away to my car and drive home.
No phone call from him, nothing.
I was still livid. I went and found the large canvas bag that held 14 years of love letters, cards, special objects, pics, ect....I went to the garage and got the lighter fluid and the big lighter. I drove back over there, walked back to the back door. The bedroom window was now shut and the shades were drawn.
My wedding pics were laying there untouched, I guess somehow they didnt hear the smashing - have no idea how.
I put the canvas bag down and lit it all on fire.
I knocked loudly on the door, nothing. By this time it is about 1:45am, her car is still there. I pound on the door. Finally the woman's son comes and lets me in. I say where is "AH?" AH rounds the corner from his livingroom where apparently they were all cozied up in the dark watching a movie, as he rounds the corner he has a huge smirk on his face but says nothing to me.
The fire was raging behind me, the fumes actually almost knocked me out. I said to AH, "you have something out back here you might want to put out." and he follows me out, does not say a word. I continue to walk out front back to my car and get in and drive home.
The rest of the night, no phone call, no email, doesnt come over here, nothing... just silence.
I take two sleeping pills at about 4am to get some sleep.
The next day I have an email from him telling me this:
I'm sure that nothing is going to change your mind,but i will tell you anyway.She needed a sober ride home,on this particular night i was sober,I walked over to the mexican place next door,got a cup of coffee,drove her in her car,to her house,where she was going to stay,and Aaron's brother Justin was going to come back to my house and watch movies with me and my boys.She picked up MY phone thinking it
was hers,asked who's number that was and why was it in her phone,I said thats my phone,and thats my wifes number,she called you and said whatever she said.She got back in the car at her house,and asked if she could come back with us and watch the movie,so she did.I did not sleep with her last night,or any other night for that matter,16 years ago i did.I did not call you back,what good would that have done anyway.I knew that you would be coming to my house sooner or later.and you did.I did nothing wrong last night.I know that you will think this is all bs,but it's not.Maybe I used poor judgement letting her come back here,I'm known for that.She was drunk and her boys were worried about her so i just let her come back with us,thats it.
So, that was as the song says his "Sunday School answer, trying to make it all okay."
I replied with quite a scathing email: (excuse my french, I was as mad as I've ever been in my entire life)
you know you can put whatever spin on your little story that helps you sleep at night.
Where in any of this BS is anything appropriate?
Where in any of this BS is anything honoring or respecting me, our relationship/marriage or our family?
WHY was she at your house drunk in the first place?
WHY was she at your house hanging out at all?
WHY was she allowed to come back to your house to "watch a movie" and spend the night?
WHY was she scrolling through your address book on your phone?
WHY did you let her call me? She was not outside the car calling me, I heard the music in the car.
****, you are so damn possessive protective of that cell phone of yours I'm barely allowed to touch it, yet she was looking through
your address book and allowed to use it to call me?
WTF????????????????????????????
WHY did she say what she said to me?
WHY are you talking to her about our relationship?
WHY did you not call me and explain? Oh, lets see, because you're going to wallow in the "poor little me" excuse of I wouldnt have understood.....well who the hell would?
WHY was she in your bedroom hanging out?
WHY did you allow her to spent the night at your house?
WHY did you not have anything to say to me when I came over - nothing to say for
yourself except you coming around the corner from your livingroom with a big freaking smirk on your face for me?
Your silence and non-action speaks volumes.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG?????? Dude, you are living in an alternate universe if that is how you feel.
Tell, me what the freak you did RIGHT???????????????????????
I dont give a **** if her "boys were upset" that is HER problem, she should have thought about that. You should have taken her and her boys home if that were the case.
Or, oh yeah, she shouldnt have been hanging out with you in the first place, drunk or not.
You were sober and allowed all of this to happen, you were sober and made these choices? Good, at least you cant excuse it with you being drunk.
ONCE AGAIN- YOUR LOYALTY AND PRIORITY IS TO ME, OUR RELATIONSHIP, OUR MARRIAGE, OUR FAMILY.
ONCE AGAIN the choices you made & how you handled the situation went totally against those. You totally disrespected everything for HER sake.
You could have handled the situation in a hundred different ways if you were on the up and up, if it was all so damn innocent.
You knew I was alone all night, you could have invited me over if you just had to hang out with her all night, for starters.
And I told him it was over, that in no way was he acting like a man who was interested in saving our marriage, despite all of his pretty words of "love."
I outlined some demands on how he will visit with our daughter and how he will not (its been an issue with him leaving her there at his apt in the evening when she is visitng while he takes a taxi to the bar and gets drunk) along with severe mood swings, subtle neglect, anger problems, ect.
And you know, he never even once said he was sorry. And all I've heard from him was two emails in response to mine. I'm sure he's out at the river with the boys and probably that woman having a great old time this holiday weekend in the beautiful weather.
While I spent all day and most of the night in a drug-induced sleep, didnt get out of bed until after 8:30pm last night. Had a friend take my daughter over night yesterday that had come home, as I was nearly comatose and useless to her as a parent.
Anyhow, I'm between being constantly in tears and obsessing over this whole thing. I want to know if she is with him, if they are spending more time together. I want to drive out there and see.
I know this is not a good thing to do, but my curiosity is killing me.
I am nervous and shaking.
I have to know.
Talk me out of it please! And now I'm questioning myself so much. Did I overreact? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I just acting like a crazy, insecure wife? Could it have all been so innocent?
Ugh, and HOW is he able to just go on with his weekend as if everything is hunky dory and perfectly fine? It makes me crazy!
WHY is he not here begging for forgiveness? How can he say he did nothing wrong?
HELP!
Little did I know how much my world was going to crash so soon after I posted.
If you read my intro post, you'll get a better understanding but briefly, my
husband of 14 years has been gone since Sept '07 since I finally told him to choose between getting help & severing the destructive relationships with his drinking buddies, ect or his wife and family. But we've been pretty much "together" other than living together though. I think that may have been much of the problem as he was having his cake and eating it too so to speak. Still a couple, I was / am financially dependent on him as he left when I was finishing up my last semester of nursing school. Looking back he had it pretty good, had his freedom and still got to enjoy a relationship with me. If he came over and the kids were driving him nuts, he was free to get up and leave. If he wanted to go out on the weekends, no one was there to give him grief about it. Yet he still had me as his wife, still enjoyed the benefits of all that. What was I thinking??????????
Anyhow, we've been recently talking about him moving back in. Mainly because right now neither one of us can survive financially as two seperate households. I havent found a job yet, maybe this coming week, its a long story, but the thinking was that since we were still "so madly in love" and missed each other terribly, maybe he could move back in. BUT he had to begin to work on the issues, which made him hem and haw and made him very indecisive. Then (and this is where my first post here came in) he called me up and told me that if I wanted him to move back in, then okay, but I asked for it. And that there were things he wasnt going to do: like not deal with his mother and not give up his drinking buddies.
So at that point I told him, well, we don't have to decide right now. Because duh to me, he was no where near ready to move back in.
So, we stood where we've been.....he calling me constantly telling me how much he loves me, how i am his whole world, how he just had to call me to hear my voice because its o soothing to him, how if he couldnt have me he doesnt ever want anyone, how he doesnt ever want to live without me, blah, blah, blah....
Well, as I spent all day Friday obsessing over what to do about "us," the phone rings at 11:16pm. It is his cell. I answer it and some voice I dont know says "who is this?" my first thought was he was at a bar passed out or something and someone was trying to call me and tell me, or something equally terrible.
I told the person my name, there was music blaring in the background.
The person says "well you aint his f-ing honey anymore!" <in his cell phone address book, "Honey" is listed for my number> I didnt really understand what was said so I said "what?" the woman said "you heard me, you aint his f-ing honey anymore!" I said "oh, well, that's fine then" trying to be nonreactive and casual sounding. She then says "that's fine then? that's not what you were saying the other night!" I kind of laughed and hung up the phone.
I waited for him to call me back while I said and replayed it all in my mind.
I started trembling uncontrollably.
I called his house phone, my stepson answered, I asked for my AH, well stepson didnt even know AH was gone. Turns out he supposedly had gone with a woman he knew (its complicated - 16 years ago before I knew him he had a brief fling with a woman, got her pregnant and then agreed to sign his rights over regarding the baby. This child, a boy, had recently found him and wanted a relationship with my AH - this woman ended up being this boys mother) I knew my AH was having a boys weekend at his house with his two sons and this boy that was adopted out and this boys younger brother was also going to come along. They were to hang out, play video games and watch movies Friday night. My AH knew I was going to be alone all Friday night and into Saturday afternoon, as it was one of those rare weekends where my 4 dd's at home had plans with different friends. AH told me to enjoy my peaceful night and he'd see me later this weekend since he'd be busy with the boys. And so, at 11:16pm I was half asleep when I got this strange phone call.
<<<Are y'all still with me?>>>>>
So anyhow, after talking to my stepson and the boy that was adopted out that were at AH's apt, the story was that my AH and this boys mother went to the next town to pick up the woman's youngest son to take him back to my AH's apt. Apparently AH and this woman had been gone for a while.
Putting two and two together, I'm realizing the woman in the phone call must have been this woman.
I sat an waited for an explanation phone call, didnt come. After an hour it was now 12:30am, I was still shaking uncontrollably and didnt know what to do. I was beyond furious.
I emailed him asking him what the heck that phone call was all about, who the heck that woman was calling me from his phone, what the heck she was talking about, why did he not call me to explain? Surely this was some joke or something?!?!?!
I then got all crazy and took a couple of my framed wedding photos off the wall and drove over there. I parked out front and walked around back to where his bedroom window is right next to the back door to his apt.
So, its about 12:50am and the bedroom window is open, I stand under the window and see and hear them in there enjoying each others company, talking. So, I take my rings off my fingers throw them down to the cement, take my wedding pics and smash the pics/frames down on the cement and walk away to my car and drive home.
No phone call from him, nothing.
I was still livid. I went and found the large canvas bag that held 14 years of love letters, cards, special objects, pics, ect....I went to the garage and got the lighter fluid and the big lighter. I drove back over there, walked back to the back door. The bedroom window was now shut and the shades were drawn.
My wedding pics were laying there untouched, I guess somehow they didnt hear the smashing - have no idea how.
I put the canvas bag down and lit it all on fire.
I knocked loudly on the door, nothing. By this time it is about 1:45am, her car is still there. I pound on the door. Finally the woman's son comes and lets me in. I say where is "AH?" AH rounds the corner from his livingroom where apparently they were all cozied up in the dark watching a movie, as he rounds the corner he has a huge smirk on his face but says nothing to me.
The fire was raging behind me, the fumes actually almost knocked me out. I said to AH, "you have something out back here you might want to put out." and he follows me out, does not say a word. I continue to walk out front back to my car and get in and drive home.
The rest of the night, no phone call, no email, doesnt come over here, nothing... just silence.
I take two sleeping pills at about 4am to get some sleep.
The next day I have an email from him telling me this:
I'm sure that nothing is going to change your mind,but i will tell you anyway.She needed a sober ride home,on this particular night i was sober,I walked over to the mexican place next door,got a cup of coffee,drove her in her car,to her house,where she was going to stay,and Aaron's brother Justin was going to come back to my house and watch movies with me and my boys.She picked up MY phone thinking it
was hers,asked who's number that was and why was it in her phone,I said thats my phone,and thats my wifes number,she called you and said whatever she said.She got back in the car at her house,and asked if she could come back with us and watch the movie,so she did.I did not sleep with her last night,or any other night for that matter,16 years ago i did.I did not call you back,what good would that have done anyway.I knew that you would be coming to my house sooner or later.and you did.I did nothing wrong last night.I know that you will think this is all bs,but it's not.Maybe I used poor judgement letting her come back here,I'm known for that.She was drunk and her boys were worried about her so i just let her come back with us,thats it.
So, that was as the song says his "Sunday School answer, trying to make it all okay."
I replied with quite a scathing email: (excuse my french, I was as mad as I've ever been in my entire life)
you know you can put whatever spin on your little story that helps you sleep at night.
Where in any of this BS is anything appropriate?
Where in any of this BS is anything honoring or respecting me, our relationship/marriage or our family?
WHY was she at your house drunk in the first place?
WHY was she at your house hanging out at all?
WHY was she allowed to come back to your house to "watch a movie" and spend the night?
WHY was she scrolling through your address book on your phone?
WHY did you let her call me? She was not outside the car calling me, I heard the music in the car.
****, you are so damn possessive protective of that cell phone of yours I'm barely allowed to touch it, yet she was looking through
your address book and allowed to use it to call me?
WTF????????????????????????????
WHY did she say what she said to me?
WHY are you talking to her about our relationship?
WHY did you not call me and explain? Oh, lets see, because you're going to wallow in the "poor little me" excuse of I wouldnt have understood.....well who the hell would?
WHY was she in your bedroom hanging out?
WHY did you allow her to spent the night at your house?
WHY did you not have anything to say to me when I came over - nothing to say for
yourself except you coming around the corner from your livingroom with a big freaking smirk on your face for me?
Your silence and non-action speaks volumes.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG?????? Dude, you are living in an alternate universe if that is how you feel.
Tell, me what the freak you did RIGHT???????????????????????
I dont give a **** if her "boys were upset" that is HER problem, she should have thought about that. You should have taken her and her boys home if that were the case.
Or, oh yeah, she shouldnt have been hanging out with you in the first place, drunk or not.
You were sober and allowed all of this to happen, you were sober and made these choices? Good, at least you cant excuse it with you being drunk.
ONCE AGAIN- YOUR LOYALTY AND PRIORITY IS TO ME, OUR RELATIONSHIP, OUR MARRIAGE, OUR FAMILY.
ONCE AGAIN the choices you made & how you handled the situation went totally against those. You totally disrespected everything for HER sake.
You could have handled the situation in a hundred different ways if you were on the up and up, if it was all so damn innocent.
You knew I was alone all night, you could have invited me over if you just had to hang out with her all night, for starters.
And I told him it was over, that in no way was he acting like a man who was interested in saving our marriage, despite all of his pretty words of "love."
I outlined some demands on how he will visit with our daughter and how he will not (its been an issue with him leaving her there at his apt in the evening when she is visitng while he takes a taxi to the bar and gets drunk) along with severe mood swings, subtle neglect, anger problems, ect.
And you know, he never even once said he was sorry. And all I've heard from him was two emails in response to mine. I'm sure he's out at the river with the boys and probably that woman having a great old time this holiday weekend in the beautiful weather.
While I spent all day and most of the night in a drug-induced sleep, didnt get out of bed until after 8:30pm last night. Had a friend take my daughter over night yesterday that had come home, as I was nearly comatose and useless to her as a parent.
Anyhow, I'm between being constantly in tears and obsessing over this whole thing. I want to know if she is with him, if they are spending more time together. I want to drive out there and see.
I know this is not a good thing to do, but my curiosity is killing me.
I am nervous and shaking.
I have to know.
Talk me out of it please! And now I'm questioning myself so much. Did I overreact? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I just acting like a crazy, insecure wife? Could it have all been so innocent?
Ugh, and HOW is he able to just go on with his weekend as if everything is hunky dory and perfectly fine? It makes me crazy!
WHY is he not here begging for forgiveness? How can he say he did nothing wrong?
HELP!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
First, calm down and breathe! You sound much too emotional for it to be a good idea to drive anywhere, let alone to have a rational talk about the situation.
If this were me, I would take some time to absorb what has happened and think calmly about it all. Reacting emotionally and in anger may lead to trouble. It sounds as if you are lucky no one called the police on you last night. Please calm yourself and then think rationally about all that is going on.
If this were me, I would take some time to absorb what has happened and think calmly about it all. Reacting emotionally and in anger may lead to trouble. It sounds as if you are lucky no one called the police on you last night. Please calm yourself and then think rationally about all that is going on.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
I know I acted like a crazy person. I knew he wouldn't call the police.
This was the very last straw, I have been soooooooooo patient, faithful, trusting, forgiving, supportive, encouraging, you name it.
Mostly all I've gotten in return is heartache and constant rollercoaster ride of emotions, the last three years especially have been beyond difficult. No one who knows us is sure how I've not been for a stay in the mental hospital.
I wasnt going to confront him or even talk to him, just drive by and see if her car is there tonight again.
That's still probably not a good idea. Is it better to drive over and see or sit here with my imagination going obsessively?
Maybe I'll just take a sleeping pill and get into bed...
This was the very last straw, I have been soooooooooo patient, faithful, trusting, forgiving, supportive, encouraging, you name it.
Mostly all I've gotten in return is heartache and constant rollercoaster ride of emotions, the last three years especially have been beyond difficult. No one who knows us is sure how I've not been for a stay in the mental hospital.
I wasnt going to confront him or even talk to him, just drive by and see if her car is there tonight again.
That's still probably not a good idea. Is it better to drive over and see or sit here with my imagination going obsessively?
Maybe I'll just take a sleeping pill and get into bed...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Even though you felt that he wouldn't call the police, someone else could have called, and that would have put you in a really bad situation.
I would highly suggest you check out an al-anon meeting to help you focus on yourself and stop obsessing on what your husband is doing. You have no control over what he is doing, nor who is going to pick up his phone and call you. So my advice is don't drive over there, and don't sit there with your imagination going obsessively; heck, I'll even go so far as to say stay away from your sleeping pill.
Pray. Pray for serenity, to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And al-anon or nar-anon could really help you.
I would highly suggest you check out an al-anon meeting to help you focus on yourself and stop obsessing on what your husband is doing. You have no control over what he is doing, nor who is going to pick up his phone and call you. So my advice is don't drive over there, and don't sit there with your imagination going obsessively; heck, I'll even go so far as to say stay away from your sleeping pill.
Pray. Pray for serenity, to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And al-anon or nar-anon could really help you.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
As Barbara says calm down and b r e a t h......... definately do nothing while you are so emotional.....it will for sure end up in more trouble for you. Sleeping on it probably sounds a good thing to do.
I am so sorry your are hurting. You have had, like many of us alot to put up with....I understand why you are so upset and mad.
Once you have calmed down.....maybe wait till tomorrow too.... you will work out a better way to deal with the situation you are faced with.
Take a step away from the chaos for a moment....perhaps for 24 hours.....do nothing in that time that relates to him or the situation.... you will then be in a much better brain space to really see what the best thing is to do.
Keep us posted.... kind thoughts for you Phiz
I am so sorry your are hurting. You have had, like many of us alot to put up with....I understand why you are so upset and mad.
Once you have calmed down.....maybe wait till tomorrow too.... you will work out a better way to deal with the situation you are faced with.
Take a step away from the chaos for a moment....perhaps for 24 hours.....do nothing in that time that relates to him or the situation.... you will then be in a much better brain space to really see what the best thing is to do.
Keep us posted.... kind thoughts for you Phiz
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Wow. I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Your post is a perfect example of how the A's behavior affects our behavior. I have felt so close to the edge of coming to pieces and losing my own mind. That's just what this disease does to everyone around it.
Take some time to think and get your balance. That whole situation really was a lot to digest.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Take care of yourself. Concentrate on what is best for you. Do something nice for yourself today and try to put him out of your mind......even for a little while.
gentle hugs
Take some time to think and get your balance. That whole situation really was a lot to digest.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Take care of yourself. Concentrate on what is best for you. Do something nice for yourself today and try to put him out of your mind......even for a little while.
gentle hugs
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Regardless if they are A's or not, it still hurts when this kind of thing happens.
It sounds like you're strong and you know what you want. Why not let go, and take care of yourself. You deserve better then to deal with this, and I'm sure it won't be the last time something like this happens.
Praying helps me when I start obsessing. Also counseling helps me figure out why I put up with unacceptable behavior.
(((hugs)))
It sounds like you're strong and you know what you want. Why not let go, and take care of yourself. You deserve better then to deal with this, and I'm sure it won't be the last time something like this happens.
Praying helps me when I start obsessing. Also counseling helps me figure out why I put up with unacceptable behavior.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I am so glad that your meltdown didn't result in police action and I echo all the suggestions to now start finding the tools you need to stop your obsession over this man and start focusing on you. It is time and you made that clear the other night.
I do admit, though, that I would have LOVED to witness the fire burning and your wrath of ridding yourself of the bag of letters-LOL! It sounds very therapeutic to me. Next time, though, vent your rage in a safer, private environment where you don't involve anyone else and don't violate any laws, okay?
I do admit, though, that I would have LOVED to witness the fire burning and your wrath of ridding yourself of the bag of letters-LOL! It sounds very therapeutic to me. Next time, though, vent your rage in a safer, private environment where you don't involve anyone else and don't violate any laws, okay?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm sorry you're going through this chaos. You have a choice in the matter, luckily -- you can decide you don't want to live this awful made-for-TV-movie drama any more, and get help for yourself.
If you want a happy life, you can let this go and let him dig whatever sized hole he wants. You can decide you don't want this insanity of obsession and doubt.
(begin unsolicited opinion) From everything you've told us, he doesn't sound like he's worth all the time and energy you're putting into the relationship. The old "she just needed a ride home" is the oldest line in the book of alcoholic behavior....I think it's stamped inside the front cover. He appears to be a liar, a manipulator, a life-long cheater, and a drunk. Is this what you really want for yourself? This kind of late night mickey-mouse he-said, she-said craziness? Does it make you feel proud of yourself to be involved in such a horrible tangle of lies and bad behavior? (I'm big on ALWAYS feeling proud of our own lives and behavior)
I know that when I finally tired of it, and got some help from al-anon focusing on ME instead of whatever my X was thinking or doing, my life started getting exponentially happier and stronger. (end opinion)
I wish the same for you with all my heart. Who has time to waste on things like this? We have so little time on this planet to find happiness as it is.
Wishing you strength and peace of mind.
If you want a happy life, you can let this go and let him dig whatever sized hole he wants. You can decide you don't want this insanity of obsession and doubt.
(begin unsolicited opinion) From everything you've told us, he doesn't sound like he's worth all the time and energy you're putting into the relationship. The old "she just needed a ride home" is the oldest line in the book of alcoholic behavior....I think it's stamped inside the front cover. He appears to be a liar, a manipulator, a life-long cheater, and a drunk. Is this what you really want for yourself? This kind of late night mickey-mouse he-said, she-said craziness? Does it make you feel proud of yourself to be involved in such a horrible tangle of lies and bad behavior? (I'm big on ALWAYS feeling proud of our own lives and behavior)
I know that when I finally tired of it, and got some help from al-anon focusing on ME instead of whatever my X was thinking or doing, my life started getting exponentially happier and stronger. (end opinion)
I wish the same for you with all my heart. Who has time to waste on things like this? We have so little time on this planet to find happiness as it is.
Wishing you strength and peace of mind.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
I definitely say you need to sleep on it. I have BTDT just as you described. Mad enough to literally blow my top. But, once I woke up the next morning, I just said to myself "I'm done. That's it.". And, even though I've had my moments of wanting to wring his neck, I've been pretty good about letting it go. If he felt remorse for what he had done, he would NOT have sent you an email with excuses. That is A behaviour...trying to explain it all away, but not really sorry. KWIM?
At the end of the day, all of the anger in the world isn't going to change one dang thing. His email to you shows that. I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. I understand very well how infuriating it can be. HE isn't worth the kind of emotion that you are giving him. Right now he OWNS your emotions instead of YOU owning them. He has just given you a preview into his REAL feelings. You now have the choice to use that preview to do what's best for YOU.
At the end of the day, all of the anger in the world isn't going to change one dang thing. His email to you shows that. I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. I understand very well how infuriating it can be. HE isn't worth the kind of emotion that you are giving him. Right now he OWNS your emotions instead of YOU owning them. He has just given you a preview into his REAL feelings. You now have the choice to use that preview to do what's best for YOU.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
You are out of control. Your behavior is dangerous to yourself and others. First, it's dangerous for a woman to be standing alone outside an apartment complex at 1:45 in the morning. Second, the fire you set to make a point with your husband could have caught the building on fire and injured others in the process. Plus, it's illegal to intentionally start a fire. It's called arson.
If you're not attending Alanon, I strongly recommend it. Something has to change or people are going to get hurt.
If you're not attending Alanon, I strongly recommend it. Something has to change or people are going to get hurt.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Glendale, Arizona
Posts: 6
Wow. I'm new to this but when I read your post I actually started crying because my AH is much like yours. Especially when it comes to excuses about other women. Yet, it took me reading this post to realize that what he told me was just excuses to keep me hanging on.
I hope you didn't go back over near his house. But I totally understand the feeling. I had family there to stop me when I wanted to go and destroy my AH truck when I caught him at a bar with another woman. I'm glad I didn't.
I just hope you didn't and don't put yourself in the position to do something you shouldn't. They have hurt us in a way that we can't hurt them back. They care only for themselves.
I hope you didn't go back over near his house. But I totally understand the feeling. I had family there to stop me when I wanted to go and destroy my AH truck when I caught him at a bar with another woman. I'm glad I didn't.
I just hope you didn't and don't put yourself in the position to do something you shouldn't. They have hurt us in a way that we can't hurt them back. They care only for themselves.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
First, thank you everyone. Excellent words of advice and support, I keep going back to read them over and over.
Gotta defend myself a little though about the fire.....it was in a huge metal mixing bowl, on a cement slab. There was never any danger to a building or cars or people, besides myself - too much lighter fluid and not enough space between me and it for a bit.....And I dont really think it was arson. I was burning my own property that I didn't want anymore - in a contained fire.
I may be crazy, but I'm pretty safe! sorry, bad attempt at humor.....
(Hmmm.....is that all just bad excuses? I'm so unsure of everything right about now.)
Y'all I'm really sick I guess. I really allowed AH to pull me very far down into the abyss. Again.
Handed him my heart and soul on a silver platter for him to shatter into a million little pieces. Again.
Let me add a bit to the story - what happened last night and today.
I *did* drive out to the river where they were camping out, last night/this morning at 1:30am, on less than a 1/4 tank of gas with no money to buy more. The river is about 23 miles away one way. Craziness right there...
They were asleep in the tent. They being AH and stepson. She was not there. Which made me feel temporarily better. AH was not happy for me to be checking up on him. I told him I had 63cents to my name and was on "E" and needed money. He said he didnt have any money. Hmm.....only Sunday and already out of money so soon after payday, huh? Sheesh.
He handed me a ten and a five and I took the ten and threw the five at him. Then got into my car and drove home, praying all the way to make it back to town before running out of gas on a dark deserted country road, and me with no cell phone. God knows how I actually made it to town and an open gas station, I prayed all the way.
He came over today because my water and electric were due to be cut off tomorrow. I guess he was feeling guilty, he found money somewhere to get my water bill paid. He changed my light bulbs (? !), tried to talk to me, tried to hold my hand. Left and came back 3 times telling me he wanted to talk but couldnt think of anything to say that wouldn't make things worse.
I was not talking, only crying. Didnt let him hold my hand.
He finally left and went home.
I later went out for a drive, to the grocery store. Where SHE lives is in a newish subdivision on a road that leads to the grocery store. My daughter had commented over a week ago that Aaron (the adopted out boy, her 1/2 brother) moved there recently.
Well, wouldnt you know it while driving down the road towards the subdivision, SHE was pulling into it. From the night of the "fire" I knew what kind of car she drove and by golly, there it was right in front of me.
So, I turned in and followed her. She pulled into her driveway. I pulled up and asked if "J. L" lived there. I didnt know it was her exactly because the night I saw her in my husbands bedroom I only saw the back of her head.
She had the advantage of knowing who I was, because she had seen me before without me knowing it and had seen pics of me in AH's apt.
She came to the car I asked if this was where J.L. lived. She wouldnt answer me straight, so that pretty much answers the question right there.
Went back and forth about why I wanted to talk to J.L., without her confirming that it was in fact her.
No knowing for sure if it was her or a friend, I told her that we had had a conversation she started the other night that needed to be finished. And then after getting no where with her, I said "well, I'll catch her later" and sped off.
I was gone for a while after that. Meanwhile my AH is calling the house every 20 min the kids said. I got home and he calls all threatening me with the police because I had threatened her (?), and acting all protective of her, taking up for her. Saying he should call the police and warn them if anything happens to her to go after me. Oh please he knows me better than that.....duh, if I was going to bash her face in or something I pretty well would have done it when I found her in my husbands bedroom the other night. I'm not going to hurt someone.
I simply want an explanation from her. And I want to know if her version of the nights events match up with his.
Anyhow, AH calls me back and says she will talk to me on the phone. Not good enough for me. I want face to face. Phone conversations are too easy to end, and you cant read someones body language like you could in person.
I feel like they both owe this to me. If it was all innocent and I'm overreacting and it can all be chalked up to her being drunk, then they should be able to talk with me about it, no?
So, anyhow, at about 10:30 pm tonight I tell AH that I'm driving over to his place because I want and NEED answers.
I get there and he is all acting defensive and like he doesnt give a damn that we're over. When we both know damn well he does.
We start to argue, I just want my questions answered, the questions I had asked him in the email. I am the type who needs explanations and reasoning, I need to know the why of it all. Thats how I get past things and process them. If they slept together, if anything unappropriate happened I'd rather he told me the truth if they did.
He got all cocky when his version of what he was telling me wasnt matching up with what he emailed me.
That started screaming and yelling and him starting to call the police on me (!) what a coward. Are all A's cowards? Are they all scared and running from everything all the time? Are all of them afraid of any type of confrontation (like walking out of counseling when it turns to them and their behavior?) Are they all the types to just stuff things in a corner and not deal with it?
For someone who needs to talk everything through, and needs answers, and needs the why's - it makes me crazy.
I called him about every name in the book, with coward being the most said. He is a coward, cant even give me the decency of answers. He didnt want to talk about it, so too bad for me.
Hmm....like hell. You shattered my world, you wounded me deeply, you were very cruel to me, dammit, you are gonna witness my pain! Thats how I feel.
So, anyhow, I ended up just breaking down completely in his apt. Fell to the floor sobbing hysterically, threw up, amost passed out from hyperventilating.
Of course he tried to confort me. I cried and cried and yelled and screamed and just got it all out. For a few minutes before I broke down I did have to really restrain from trying to beat the crap out of him.
So, after maybe an hour I was cried out and we began to talk a little. It was sort of positive. He still swears nothing went on between them. Regardless it was still very, very inappropriate and just plain wrong.
He said he was/is just trying to run. Run away from all the problems, run away from himself and us, and everything. Said he cant make himself numb enough with the alcohol anymore. Said he has no clue why the whole situation happened with her, why he didnt just call her a cab.
We talked a bit more. Then I started to get angry again so I told him I had to go, I was beyond worn out emotionally and physically.
The last thing I told him was that he owed it to me to make a sit down with her happen. That its what I needed for myself. And no, I'm not going to go crazy again even if she admits he's lying and they slept together.
I'm all crazied out now.
He said he would make sure that we would sit down and talk about what happened with her.
I'm not sure why I feel so strongly that I need to have a face to face with her. To see if their stories match up? To read her body language? To see if she is sincere to my face?
I dont know, I just feel like I need it to be able to process it all and begin to move on.
AH wants to know "then what?"
Like he wants some promise from me that if we talk with her and resolve this, then it will all be okay.
I told him I had no answer for him. That this was for me, not for anything he would get out of it or from it.
He actually had the nerve to tell me before I left that he loves me from the very depths of his soul. That I am everything to him. He hugged me goodbye.
I didnt hug back and when he told me those things I just looked him in the eyes and said with disbelief, are you serious? How can you be telling me this right now? I dont want you telling me how much you love me when your actions speak very loudly to the contrary and that he didnt know what love is.
So, yes, everyone I am one sick, obsessive codependent.
I know this. For now you all, I need your help and support. I have no $ to get to Alanon meetings. Literally I spent my last little bit of money I got from returning something to Walmart to get to AH apt tonight. Yes, I am dependent on him for money, as I am a new graduate nurse looking for my first job. ( prayers and good thoughts would be lovely for a job and soon!)
So, if anyone wants to stick it out with me, I need this place right now.
I am sick and tired of living my life like this. However I am terrified of living completely without AH. I am terrified of it being permanently over.
And yes, I know you all will tell me that meeting with her is a mistake, but I feel I need to.
WHY is this all so damn hard?
I am normally such a levelheaded, rational person, strong and determined, taking no BS from anyone, yet here I am acting like a needy, insecure two year old......
I am sooooooooo tired of this rollercoaster ride. My head is spinning. Its 2:30am, guess I should try to sleep.
Gotta defend myself a little though about the fire.....it was in a huge metal mixing bowl, on a cement slab. There was never any danger to a building or cars or people, besides myself - too much lighter fluid and not enough space between me and it for a bit.....And I dont really think it was arson. I was burning my own property that I didn't want anymore - in a contained fire.
I may be crazy, but I'm pretty safe! sorry, bad attempt at humor.....
(Hmmm.....is that all just bad excuses? I'm so unsure of everything right about now.)
Y'all I'm really sick I guess. I really allowed AH to pull me very far down into the abyss. Again.
Handed him my heart and soul on a silver platter for him to shatter into a million little pieces. Again.
Let me add a bit to the story - what happened last night and today.
I *did* drive out to the river where they were camping out, last night/this morning at 1:30am, on less than a 1/4 tank of gas with no money to buy more. The river is about 23 miles away one way. Craziness right there...
They were asleep in the tent. They being AH and stepson. She was not there. Which made me feel temporarily better. AH was not happy for me to be checking up on him. I told him I had 63cents to my name and was on "E" and needed money. He said he didnt have any money. Hmm.....only Sunday and already out of money so soon after payday, huh? Sheesh.
He handed me a ten and a five and I took the ten and threw the five at him. Then got into my car and drove home, praying all the way to make it back to town before running out of gas on a dark deserted country road, and me with no cell phone. God knows how I actually made it to town and an open gas station, I prayed all the way.
He came over today because my water and electric were due to be cut off tomorrow. I guess he was feeling guilty, he found money somewhere to get my water bill paid. He changed my light bulbs (? !), tried to talk to me, tried to hold my hand. Left and came back 3 times telling me he wanted to talk but couldnt think of anything to say that wouldn't make things worse.
I was not talking, only crying. Didnt let him hold my hand.
He finally left and went home.
I later went out for a drive, to the grocery store. Where SHE lives is in a newish subdivision on a road that leads to the grocery store. My daughter had commented over a week ago that Aaron (the adopted out boy, her 1/2 brother) moved there recently.
Well, wouldnt you know it while driving down the road towards the subdivision, SHE was pulling into it. From the night of the "fire" I knew what kind of car she drove and by golly, there it was right in front of me.
So, I turned in and followed her. She pulled into her driveway. I pulled up and asked if "J. L" lived there. I didnt know it was her exactly because the night I saw her in my husbands bedroom I only saw the back of her head.
She had the advantage of knowing who I was, because she had seen me before without me knowing it and had seen pics of me in AH's apt.
She came to the car I asked if this was where J.L. lived. She wouldnt answer me straight, so that pretty much answers the question right there.
Went back and forth about why I wanted to talk to J.L., without her confirming that it was in fact her.
No knowing for sure if it was her or a friend, I told her that we had had a conversation she started the other night that needed to be finished. And then after getting no where with her, I said "well, I'll catch her later" and sped off.
I was gone for a while after that. Meanwhile my AH is calling the house every 20 min the kids said. I got home and he calls all threatening me with the police because I had threatened her (?), and acting all protective of her, taking up for her. Saying he should call the police and warn them if anything happens to her to go after me. Oh please he knows me better than that.....duh, if I was going to bash her face in or something I pretty well would have done it when I found her in my husbands bedroom the other night. I'm not going to hurt someone.
I simply want an explanation from her. And I want to know if her version of the nights events match up with his.
Anyhow, AH calls me back and says she will talk to me on the phone. Not good enough for me. I want face to face. Phone conversations are too easy to end, and you cant read someones body language like you could in person.
I feel like they both owe this to me. If it was all innocent and I'm overreacting and it can all be chalked up to her being drunk, then they should be able to talk with me about it, no?
So, anyhow, at about 10:30 pm tonight I tell AH that I'm driving over to his place because I want and NEED answers.
I get there and he is all acting defensive and like he doesnt give a damn that we're over. When we both know damn well he does.
We start to argue, I just want my questions answered, the questions I had asked him in the email. I am the type who needs explanations and reasoning, I need to know the why of it all. Thats how I get past things and process them. If they slept together, if anything unappropriate happened I'd rather he told me the truth if they did.
He got all cocky when his version of what he was telling me wasnt matching up with what he emailed me.
That started screaming and yelling and him starting to call the police on me (!) what a coward. Are all A's cowards? Are they all scared and running from everything all the time? Are all of them afraid of any type of confrontation (like walking out of counseling when it turns to them and their behavior?) Are they all the types to just stuff things in a corner and not deal with it?
For someone who needs to talk everything through, and needs answers, and needs the why's - it makes me crazy.
I called him about every name in the book, with coward being the most said. He is a coward, cant even give me the decency of answers. He didnt want to talk about it, so too bad for me.
Hmm....like hell. You shattered my world, you wounded me deeply, you were very cruel to me, dammit, you are gonna witness my pain! Thats how I feel.
So, anyhow, I ended up just breaking down completely in his apt. Fell to the floor sobbing hysterically, threw up, amost passed out from hyperventilating.
Of course he tried to confort me. I cried and cried and yelled and screamed and just got it all out. For a few minutes before I broke down I did have to really restrain from trying to beat the crap out of him.
So, after maybe an hour I was cried out and we began to talk a little. It was sort of positive. He still swears nothing went on between them. Regardless it was still very, very inappropriate and just plain wrong.
He said he was/is just trying to run. Run away from all the problems, run away from himself and us, and everything. Said he cant make himself numb enough with the alcohol anymore. Said he has no clue why the whole situation happened with her, why he didnt just call her a cab.
We talked a bit more. Then I started to get angry again so I told him I had to go, I was beyond worn out emotionally and physically.
The last thing I told him was that he owed it to me to make a sit down with her happen. That its what I needed for myself. And no, I'm not going to go crazy again even if she admits he's lying and they slept together.
I'm all crazied out now.
He said he would make sure that we would sit down and talk about what happened with her.
I'm not sure why I feel so strongly that I need to have a face to face with her. To see if their stories match up? To read her body language? To see if she is sincere to my face?
I dont know, I just feel like I need it to be able to process it all and begin to move on.
AH wants to know "then what?"
Like he wants some promise from me that if we talk with her and resolve this, then it will all be okay.
I told him I had no answer for him. That this was for me, not for anything he would get out of it or from it.
He actually had the nerve to tell me before I left that he loves me from the very depths of his soul. That I am everything to him. He hugged me goodbye.
I didnt hug back and when he told me those things I just looked him in the eyes and said with disbelief, are you serious? How can you be telling me this right now? I dont want you telling me how much you love me when your actions speak very loudly to the contrary and that he didnt know what love is.
So, yes, everyone I am one sick, obsessive codependent.
I know this. For now you all, I need your help and support. I have no $ to get to Alanon meetings. Literally I spent my last little bit of money I got from returning something to Walmart to get to AH apt tonight. Yes, I am dependent on him for money, as I am a new graduate nurse looking for my first job. ( prayers and good thoughts would be lovely for a job and soon!)
So, if anyone wants to stick it out with me, I need this place right now.
I am sick and tired of living my life like this. However I am terrified of living completely without AH. I am terrified of it being permanently over.
And yes, I know you all will tell me that meeting with her is a mistake, but I feel I need to.
WHY is this all so damn hard?
I am normally such a levelheaded, rational person, strong and determined, taking no BS from anyone, yet here I am acting like a needy, insecure two year old......
I am sooooooooo tired of this rollercoaster ride. My head is spinning. Its 2:30am, guess I should try to sleep.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by strongerwoman 
I feel like they both owe this to me. If it was all innocent and I'm overreacting and it can all be chalked up to her being drunk, then they should be able to talk with me about it, no?
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
That started screaming and yelling and him starting to call the police on me (!) what a coward.
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
For someone who needs to talk everything through, and needs answers, and needs the why's - it makes me crazy.
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
I am sick and tired of living my life like this. However I am terrified of living completely without AH. I am terrified of it being permanently over.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Woweeeee!!!
I say ditto to B-52's entire post!
I needed to hear that bit too about people not owing me an explanation!! That is some spot-on wise truth right there!! It's MY problem that I think I deserve an explanation!
Thanx - and good luck Strongerwoman, focus on the job search - it's sane and will change things for the better for you.
Easy does it!
Peace,
B.
I say ditto to B-52's entire post!
I needed to hear that bit too about people not owing me an explanation!! That is some spot-on wise truth right there!! It's MY problem that I think I deserve an explanation!
Thanx - and good luck Strongerwoman, focus on the job search - it's sane and will change things for the better for you.
Easy does it!
Peace,
B.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((((((strongerwoman))))))))
My heart breaks for you having been and done some very similar things. I wish there was a way to help you see that backing away from this situation would be your best bet. Just let him go honey he ain't going nowhere I promise. Relax that grip just a little. You seem to comprehend that you are sick. This gives me hope for you.
Your hanging on to him is the cause of your sickness and the cure is letting go of him. Since you are a nurse I know you have the ability to get this...it is so simple really. I said simple not easy although it is not all that hard either if you are ready to get well. Any direction that you can turn away from him and her will do. You may have to hear this over and over for a while yet it just depends on how sick you are and your desire to get well.
I can guarantee that continuing to respond in the way you are doing is hurting you more than it is him or her. If anything you maybe even pushing them together by reacting the way you are doing. This is about your addiction to him.
By the way it does not cost anything to go to Alanon and if you call them someone may be able to come pick you up. Look them up in the white business pages of your telephone book.
If you can put the focus on yourself think about getting a job. Where do you want to live? Cause with nursing skills truely you could go anywhere you want to.
I have given you some of my very best nuggets here pick one and run with it babe. Take care of yourself and be gentle...
My heart breaks for you having been and done some very similar things. I wish there was a way to help you see that backing away from this situation would be your best bet. Just let him go honey he ain't going nowhere I promise. Relax that grip just a little. You seem to comprehend that you are sick. This gives me hope for you.
Your hanging on to him is the cause of your sickness and the cure is letting go of him. Since you are a nurse I know you have the ability to get this...it is so simple really. I said simple not easy although it is not all that hard either if you are ready to get well. Any direction that you can turn away from him and her will do. You may have to hear this over and over for a while yet it just depends on how sick you are and your desire to get well.
Originally Posted by ?
If you love someone set them free if they come back they are yours and if they don't they never were.
By the way it does not cost anything to go to Alanon and if you call them someone may be able to come pick you up. Look them up in the white business pages of your telephone book.
If you can put the focus on yourself think about getting a job. Where do you want to live? Cause with nursing skills truely you could go anywhere you want to.
I have given you some of my very best nuggets here pick one and run with it babe. Take care of yourself and be gentle...
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
I just am not getting how he can do what he did and then cower out of explaining himself or giving me any answers. All he does, all he has ever done is run away from problems, dodge problems, create absolute chaos then leave me to deal with it.
When I ask questions more often then not the answers are things like "I don't know why I did that." or "I don't know what to tell you." or "I dont have an answer for that., it just happened."
IMO, not doing so only makes things worse. His silence especially, just makes him look more guilty.
His intense fear of and avoidance of confrontation mixed with my need to get issues confronted and resolved doesnt leave us in a very good place.
I guess I'm just a person who feels strongly that I need to resolve issues to move on. So much in the last 14 years had been unresolved -well pretty much everything unpleasant.
So, they can do what they wish to hurt me, be as cruel as they can and I have to just take it and not ask questions and not expect answers.
He can just tell me he doesn't feel like answering my questions, tell me "you're not going to get answers from me" with a smug look on his face, all cocky, and thats an okay way of dealing with things?
I *have* been the rational one, the sane one for all these years. This situation totally came out of the blue and has really thrown me for a loop.
You know what? It felt GOOD to get emotional and yell and scream and go a bit crazy.
I don't know. If I were her and made a stupid drunk mistake I would want to clear it up with the person I caused so much hurt. I would want to have a sit down and apologize and reassure the person. I would feel terrible for hurting them and causing so much heartache for nothing.
Not to make excuses but I'm also having to deal with studying for the "make or break" nursing licensing exam, dealing with my daughters and I being evicted in 7 days -with absolutely no where to go, being beyond broke trying to feed my kids and keep my utilities & phone on, trying to find a job which has proved to be really difficult in a saturated market with a whole bunch of nursing schools in the area just graduated nurses, deal with AH, deal with my kids, two of which have behavioral/emotional disorders, our youngest has a definite eating disorder - obsession with food, dealing with all of this alone, with no help at all except for what help comes from AH.
I have no support system, no help. Which keeps me dependent on AH.
AH actually called me twice this morning so far. Said he is going to the doctors (assuming he means to talk about his alcoholism) and has the nerve to keep telling me he loves me.
I cant answer him back, I'm 99% sure we are finally done for good. I just cant trust him at all and how do you live with that?
I'm glad last night my breakdown got him to think and open up and talk and admit. But I really think its all too little too late. And I've told him three times since last night that him getting help in no way implies that I will take him back, or even at this point consider anything that has to do with us, its too fresh, too raw.
I'm rambling. I have had 65 mins of sleep, and a full day ahead of me.
Keep talking sense into me please.
I have reached my breaking point. Its all just too much. I am utterly overwhelmed.
When I ask questions more often then not the answers are things like "I don't know why I did that." or "I don't know what to tell you." or "I dont have an answer for that., it just happened."
IMO, not doing so only makes things worse. His silence especially, just makes him look more guilty.
His intense fear of and avoidance of confrontation mixed with my need to get issues confronted and resolved doesnt leave us in a very good place.
I guess I'm just a person who feels strongly that I need to resolve issues to move on. So much in the last 14 years had been unresolved -well pretty much everything unpleasant.
So, they can do what they wish to hurt me, be as cruel as they can and I have to just take it and not ask questions and not expect answers.
He can just tell me he doesn't feel like answering my questions, tell me "you're not going to get answers from me" with a smug look on his face, all cocky, and thats an okay way of dealing with things?
I *have* been the rational one, the sane one for all these years. This situation totally came out of the blue and has really thrown me for a loop.
You know what? It felt GOOD to get emotional and yell and scream and go a bit crazy.
I don't know. If I were her and made a stupid drunk mistake I would want to clear it up with the person I caused so much hurt. I would want to have a sit down and apologize and reassure the person. I would feel terrible for hurting them and causing so much heartache for nothing.
Not to make excuses but I'm also having to deal with studying for the "make or break" nursing licensing exam, dealing with my daughters and I being evicted in 7 days -with absolutely no where to go, being beyond broke trying to feed my kids and keep my utilities & phone on, trying to find a job which has proved to be really difficult in a saturated market with a whole bunch of nursing schools in the area just graduated nurses, deal with AH, deal with my kids, two of which have behavioral/emotional disorders, our youngest has a definite eating disorder - obsession with food, dealing with all of this alone, with no help at all except for what help comes from AH.
I have no support system, no help. Which keeps me dependent on AH.
AH actually called me twice this morning so far. Said he is going to the doctors (assuming he means to talk about his alcoholism) and has the nerve to keep telling me he loves me.
I cant answer him back, I'm 99% sure we are finally done for good. I just cant trust him at all and how do you live with that?
I'm glad last night my breakdown got him to think and open up and talk and admit. But I really think its all too little too late. And I've told him three times since last night that him getting help in no way implies that I will take him back, or even at this point consider anything that has to do with us, its too fresh, too raw.
I'm rambling. I have had 65 mins of sleep, and a full day ahead of me.
Keep talking sense into me please.
I have reached my breaking point. Its all just too much. I am utterly overwhelmed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
So, they can do what they wish to hurt me, be as cruel as they can and I have to just take it and not ask questions and not expect answers.
He can just tell me he doesn't feel like answering your questions, you're not going to get answers from me and thats an okay was of dealing with things?
He can just tell me he doesn't feel like answering your questions, you're not going to get answers from me and thats an okay was of dealing with things?
As to whether its an okay way to deal with life and issues, irrelevant. It is what it is. It his way not your way.
I have found that accepting the fact that my AH acts irrationally helped me a great deal. I accept him as he is and no longer pin my expectations or wants on him. I no longer expect him to act as I would act or as I would like him to act. He acts as he wants/needs to just as I act as I want/need to. I have found that accepting reality is much better than trying to force reality to fit my want and needs.
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
You know what? It felt GOOD to get emotional and yell and scream.
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
If I were her and made a stupid drunk mistake I would want to clear it up with the person I caused so much hurt. I would want to have a sit down and apologize and reassure the person. I would feel terrible for hurting them and causing so much heartache for nothing.
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
Not to make excuses but I'm also having to deal with studying for the "make or break" nursing licensing exam, dealing with my daughters and I being evicted in 7 days, being beyond broke trying to feed my kids and keep my utilities & phone on, trying to find a job which has proved to be really difficult in a saturated market with a whole bunch of nursing schools in the area just graduated nurses, deal with AH, deal with my kids, two of which have behavioral/emotional disorders, our youngest has a definite eating disorder - obsession with food, dealing with all of this alone, with no help at all except for what help comes from AH.
With this much going on, calm rational thinking and planning may allow you to see things clearly and to work out how to get from where you are to where you want to be. Staying on the emotional roller coaster would not lead me to a better place.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi StrongerW--
Gotta agree w/ Barb52 here again:
Staying on the emotional roller coaster would not lead me to a better place.
Seems your priority should be studying for the NCLEX. One thing at a time, each in its time, and that seems like the most important thing u got going on for yourself. You will have so many choices and freedom once you get your license!! Life does not have to be so full of drama and chaos. In fact, you have the power, today, to step out of the drama and that's a healthy thing for you and your kids!!
Just for today!
Peace,
B.
Gotta agree w/ Barb52 here again:
Staying on the emotional roller coaster would not lead me to a better place.
Seems your priority should be studying for the NCLEX. One thing at a time, each in its time, and that seems like the most important thing u got going on for yourself. You will have so many choices and freedom once you get your license!! Life does not have to be so full of drama and chaos. In fact, you have the power, today, to step out of the drama and that's a healthy thing for you and your kids!!
Just for today!
Peace,
B.
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