Help stop me from driving over there! Talk me back down into reality! VERY LONG....
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
If I were her and made a stupid drunk mistake I would want to clear it up with the person I caused so much hurt. I would want to have a sit down and apologize and reassure the person. I would feel terrible for hurting them and causing so much heartache for nothing.
He is not living with you he does not have to conform to what you think is right for him even if your thoughts about what he is doing is causing you great pain. This is 99.9% what you are thinking and .01% what he is doing.
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
I guess I'm just a person who feels strongly that I need to resolve issues to move on. So much in the last 14 years had been unresolved -well pretty much everything unpleasant.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
oh, and here's an ironic part of the story:
AH's mother is a certified drug and alcohol counselor
She has been active in AlAnon for most of her adult life (she's 60 now)
and she is a *huge* enabler for him, they are very enmeshed.
In fact, AH just turned 40 years old and she still buys him really nice sort of fancy underwear for him. Isn't that odd?
He hasnt cut the umbilical cord with her and is unable to - despite her continually hurting our 11yo daughter emotionally. (And we wont get in to her wanting me away from him since day one)
Right before everything blew up and we were talking about him moving back in, he was so worried that his mother would never speak to him again if he did go back to me. She has always manipulted and guilt tripped him, always.
How can a person be a freaking professional counselor and still act like she does? I just dont understand.
What is wrong with people?!?!?!?
Sorry, rambling again. Just venting.
AH's mother is a certified drug and alcohol counselor
She has been active in AlAnon for most of her adult life (she's 60 now)
and she is a *huge* enabler for him, they are very enmeshed.
In fact, AH just turned 40 years old and she still buys him really nice sort of fancy underwear for him. Isn't that odd?
He hasnt cut the umbilical cord with her and is unable to - despite her continually hurting our 11yo daughter emotionally. (And we wont get in to her wanting me away from him since day one)
Right before everything blew up and we were talking about him moving back in, he was so worried that his mother would never speak to him again if he did go back to me. She has always manipulted and guilt tripped him, always.
How can a person be a freaking professional counselor and still act like she does? I just dont understand.
What is wrong with people?!?!?!?
Sorry, rambling again. Just venting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Wow! I've been away all weekend and just now read through this thread. I recognize the craziness and obsessive thought process and I'm am so thankful for this reminder of where I never want to go again.
Honestly, you may look back on this weekend someday and be grateful that something finally "pushed you over the edge." For me, I probably would still be doing the alcoholic/codependent dance if I had not totally lost it one weekend and finally broke through the denial.
I think the first lesson I learned from SR was "actions, not words." This lesson continues to serve me well to this day. It seems that his words are clouding your judgement. Quit listening to them. Listen to his actions. I would go so far as to say that the absolute worst thing for you right now would be answers and explanations from either or both of them. You know all you need to know already, even if you don't realize it.
Now, this lesson applies not just to him, but to you as well. As was already mentioned, how are your actions helping the serious issues you face? How is obsessing over, talking to, emailing, and stalking him and the other woman going to help you find a job or a place to live? You are wasting a lot of precious time and energy that could be used on finding solutions.
If you can't get to an Alanon meeting, maybe you could at least pick up a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You could probably find it pretty cheap at a used bookstore, or borrow it for free from the library.
Sometimes it takes a crisis before we can begin to change. Maybe this will be the bottom for you.
L
Honestly, you may look back on this weekend someday and be grateful that something finally "pushed you over the edge." For me, I probably would still be doing the alcoholic/codependent dance if I had not totally lost it one weekend and finally broke through the denial.
I think the first lesson I learned from SR was "actions, not words." This lesson continues to serve me well to this day. It seems that his words are clouding your judgement. Quit listening to them. Listen to his actions. I would go so far as to say that the absolute worst thing for you right now would be answers and explanations from either or both of them. You know all you need to know already, even if you don't realize it.
Now, this lesson applies not just to him, but to you as well. As was already mentioned, how are your actions helping the serious issues you face? How is obsessing over, talking to, emailing, and stalking him and the other woman going to help you find a job or a place to live? You are wasting a lot of precious time and energy that could be used on finding solutions.
If you can't get to an Alanon meeting, maybe you could at least pick up a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You could probably find it pretty cheap at a used bookstore, or borrow it for free from the library.
Sometimes it takes a crisis before we can begin to change. Maybe this will be the bottom for you.
L
Last edited by LaTeeDa; 05-27-2008 at 08:45 AM.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
I'm sorry, but I just couldn't read through this whole thing. I felt this angry and this crazy years ago when I was dealing with some issues with my AH. That's how I WAS. It's not healthy. It's not normal- at least for me now. My AH left 9 months ago, and I have not felt that crazy since. I've felt sad. I've felt angry- but not burning down the house angry. I've also felt some relief- because I now know I never, ever want to live my life with his chaos again. Thank God he left. He's still the same, choatic, self-absorbed person he was years ago- only now I see very clearly that he's not someone I want to spend a single second of time on. I'm trying to spend my precious time on myself and our dd. I hit bottom 9 months ago, and today I will tell you that I am grateful to be right where I am- with the help of counseling, SR, friends and family and al-anon I have come far. I hope you will read back over your thread and realize that you do not have to live your life the way you are. Please take care of yourself- live your life for you- and your children. He is showing you very clearly what he is. Is that what you want to spend the rest of your precious life on?
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Strongerwomen....I am sorry for your pain.
Have to agree with many of the posts above.....please STOP focusing on Hubby, Mother In Law and everything else that you have taken on....as above IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM......really it isn't!
I DO understand....Many many people understand on here and have been exactly where you are this very day - it is very very hard to step away from the chaos HOWEVER the only person that can do it for you is yourself......
Start focusing on yourself.....what can you do for YOU....and you will truly see that once you start to change your behaviour many good things will begin to happen. It isn't rocket science, but it does take time and it sure does work.
I am still learning how to step away...and I do get it wrong sometimes! However I have come aong way and sometimes (many times infact!) I get it right and I am so much happier without all the chaos in my life.....
Read lots on here...there are many many wise people on this very forum, with a wealth of experience in this dreadful disease. You may not always read what you want to read - take what you want and leave the rest but really please do start to focus on yourself....there is plenty help out there if you want it. Life is here to be lived...again I am sorry you are having a hard time and have so much on your plate.
Have you read "Codependant No More" By Melodie Beattie - it taught me alot (and still does) - you may find it useful too. I bought my copy on ebay....
I wish for you the very best - Today is the first day of the rest of your life so make it a positive one for your future. Even if you do just one thing differently today it could make a BIG difference - try it...what do you have to lose....apart from the anger and chaos....good luck...I look forward to hearing how you go....
Kindest Phiz
Have to agree with many of the posts above.....please STOP focusing on Hubby, Mother In Law and everything else that you have taken on....as above IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM......really it isn't!
I DO understand....Many many people understand on here and have been exactly where you are this very day - it is very very hard to step away from the chaos HOWEVER the only person that can do it for you is yourself......
Start focusing on yourself.....what can you do for YOU....and you will truly see that once you start to change your behaviour many good things will begin to happen. It isn't rocket science, but it does take time and it sure does work.
I am still learning how to step away...and I do get it wrong sometimes! However I have come aong way and sometimes (many times infact!) I get it right and I am so much happier without all the chaos in my life.....
Read lots on here...there are many many wise people on this very forum, with a wealth of experience in this dreadful disease. You may not always read what you want to read - take what you want and leave the rest but really please do start to focus on yourself....there is plenty help out there if you want it. Life is here to be lived...again I am sorry you are having a hard time and have so much on your plate.
Have you read "Codependant No More" By Melodie Beattie - it taught me alot (and still does) - you may find it useful too. I bought my copy on ebay....
I wish for you the very best - Today is the first day of the rest of your life so make it a positive one for your future. Even if you do just one thing differently today it could make a BIG difference - try it...what do you have to lose....apart from the anger and chaos....good luck...I look forward to hearing how you go....
Kindest Phiz
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