Introducing myself, pt 2
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
Introducing myself, pt 2
K, this is a lot of my journal entry. I think these raw thoughts express my emotions right now as best I can. Feel free to comment (kindly please):
Here I am, alone on a Memorial Day weekend. It wasn't supposed to be like this AT ALL. I should have my man here in my home. We should have done some window shopping in the malls. We should have been laughing, holding hands, kissing, and such. We should have then came back to my place, and watched the movies I ordered from Netflix for us to watch. There were movies that I got in mind for him, although I like them too. And, although I needed Netflix for my own sanity, I fought like hell to get those movies delivered just for our perfect holiday weekend sleepover.
Well Freak THAT ALL TO HELL, HUH?
Even as I type, I bet that selfish, drunken, self-destructive (bleep) is getting drunk and waisted at his loser "drinking buddies from highschool"' s house, ooops, should I say the backyard of the brother of the loser.
How could someone so SMART, someone who, in his sober state "gets it" BE SO STUPID AND SELF DESTRUCTIVE?!? I so want to scream at him, and beat him upside the head for this one. And it's not even about the fact that he dragged me down emotionally, broke my heart time and again with his self destructive tendencies, never apologized, was an ******* to me, and himself on the phone, challenges my sensibilites by calling me drunk, emotionally blackmails me by forcing himself on me drunk, and using my "condition" as leverage. No, it's not even about all of that, though it's a lot.
It's the fact that I have to go on with my life, now, MORE LONELIER THAN BEFORE. I was lonely, and horny, and now that I've tasted the feast, I WANT MORE, and now I have to starve again. I have to starve for kisses, hugs, affection, SEX. I have to starve for encouragment. I have to starve for laughter. I have to be physcically, and emotionally starved AGAIN. I have to get back in the "lonely loser" line, waiting, hoping, for someone new, that frankly I don't want, because I HAD SOMEONE I WANTED!!!!!
Let me clearify that for myself. I had someone that I wanted SOBER. I wanted the "him" that "he" is SOBER.
But, alas, despite his "rah-rah", "I'm going to surrender my drinking", "I'm tired of drinking and drugging", he goes right back to it like the proverbial dog to his vomit; he laps it up with a disgusting glee, and then calls me to demand that I indulge him in laping up his "vomit". He says he wants me to accept him as he is, and I've realized that he means it literally. He wants me to accept him as a drunken, demon-possesed, broken down human being (I almost slipped, and called him a 'man', but I can't do that now). But like the counselor told me on the phone, I can't do that; I know too much, I'm too sharp, I love myself too much.
But along with these, I love HIM too much to stand back, and watch him destroy himself. Along with this, it's true, I love MYSELF too much to keep allowing him to fling his poo on me, like a monkey. And that's just how he treated me. Although "sober him" tells me he wants to know what he can do to step up the plate for me, because no other man deserves me, he then turns around and like a monkey at the zoo, reaches back to his rear, and flings his poo at me. My masochistic days are OVER, so no more standing in the way of his poo flinging.
Now, as I sit here, a day after the day I thought I was going to curl up and die, a day after I had to beg my God to get me through yesterday, because I had to work, I sit here angry, sad, lonely, hopeful, rueful, yet...peaceful. Everytime in the last few weeks that I told him to leave me alone, it's like the sun shinning through the clouds of a storm. It feels like when the last drops of rain are falling upon a field that is drenched, yet the sun peeking out, making everything yellow and bright again. The fields start to give off a scent of wet, fresh grass, and the winds are still. The birds start singing again, as they come out of hiding, and perch back into their trees. You know the storm is over, and tomorrow, the sky will be blue again.
That's how I feel; tired, drenched, yet relieved and peaceful. But I still have to battle the storm of my heart. The questions...can an addict really change? When will he "get it"? Will he ever stop hating himself enough to "get it"? And when and if he gets it, will it be way too late? Will it be years from now, and if so, I probably will have already moved on. And yes, on the surface I should have moved on 2 weeks ago when the storm first rained upon me, but the problem is I know too much; I know him sober, I know his heart, I know his dreams, I know his household and personal habits, I know his wit, I know his intellect. I know too much to give up on him completely, and that in of itself will kill me, even more than his poo flinging, and his pushing me away.
Here I am, alone on a Memorial Day weekend. It wasn't supposed to be like this AT ALL. I should have my man here in my home. We should have done some window shopping in the malls. We should have been laughing, holding hands, kissing, and such. We should have then came back to my place, and watched the movies I ordered from Netflix for us to watch. There were movies that I got in mind for him, although I like them too. And, although I needed Netflix for my own sanity, I fought like hell to get those movies delivered just for our perfect holiday weekend sleepover.
Well Freak THAT ALL TO HELL, HUH?
Even as I type, I bet that selfish, drunken, self-destructive (bleep) is getting drunk and waisted at his loser "drinking buddies from highschool"' s house, ooops, should I say the backyard of the brother of the loser.
How could someone so SMART, someone who, in his sober state "gets it" BE SO STUPID AND SELF DESTRUCTIVE?!? I so want to scream at him, and beat him upside the head for this one. And it's not even about the fact that he dragged me down emotionally, broke my heart time and again with his self destructive tendencies, never apologized, was an ******* to me, and himself on the phone, challenges my sensibilites by calling me drunk, emotionally blackmails me by forcing himself on me drunk, and using my "condition" as leverage. No, it's not even about all of that, though it's a lot.
It's the fact that I have to go on with my life, now, MORE LONELIER THAN BEFORE. I was lonely, and horny, and now that I've tasted the feast, I WANT MORE, and now I have to starve again. I have to starve for kisses, hugs, affection, SEX. I have to starve for encouragment. I have to starve for laughter. I have to be physcically, and emotionally starved AGAIN. I have to get back in the "lonely loser" line, waiting, hoping, for someone new, that frankly I don't want, because I HAD SOMEONE I WANTED!!!!!
Let me clearify that for myself. I had someone that I wanted SOBER. I wanted the "him" that "he" is SOBER.
But, alas, despite his "rah-rah", "I'm going to surrender my drinking", "I'm tired of drinking and drugging", he goes right back to it like the proverbial dog to his vomit; he laps it up with a disgusting glee, and then calls me to demand that I indulge him in laping up his "vomit". He says he wants me to accept him as he is, and I've realized that he means it literally. He wants me to accept him as a drunken, demon-possesed, broken down human being (I almost slipped, and called him a 'man', but I can't do that now). But like the counselor told me on the phone, I can't do that; I know too much, I'm too sharp, I love myself too much.
But along with these, I love HIM too much to stand back, and watch him destroy himself. Along with this, it's true, I love MYSELF too much to keep allowing him to fling his poo on me, like a monkey. And that's just how he treated me. Although "sober him" tells me he wants to know what he can do to step up the plate for me, because no other man deserves me, he then turns around and like a monkey at the zoo, reaches back to his rear, and flings his poo at me. My masochistic days are OVER, so no more standing in the way of his poo flinging.
Now, as I sit here, a day after the day I thought I was going to curl up and die, a day after I had to beg my God to get me through yesterday, because I had to work, I sit here angry, sad, lonely, hopeful, rueful, yet...peaceful. Everytime in the last few weeks that I told him to leave me alone, it's like the sun shinning through the clouds of a storm. It feels like when the last drops of rain are falling upon a field that is drenched, yet the sun peeking out, making everything yellow and bright again. The fields start to give off a scent of wet, fresh grass, and the winds are still. The birds start singing again, as they come out of hiding, and perch back into their trees. You know the storm is over, and tomorrow, the sky will be blue again.
That's how I feel; tired, drenched, yet relieved and peaceful. But I still have to battle the storm of my heart. The questions...can an addict really change? When will he "get it"? Will he ever stop hating himself enough to "get it"? And when and if he gets it, will it be way too late? Will it be years from now, and if so, I probably will have already moved on. And yes, on the surface I should have moved on 2 weeks ago when the storm first rained upon me, but the problem is I know too much; I know him sober, I know his heart, I know his dreams, I know his household and personal habits, I know his wit, I know his intellect. I know too much to give up on him completely, and that in of itself will kill me, even more than his poo flinging, and his pushing me away.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Here is my journal entry for today:
Here I am alone on Memorial Day and loving every minute of it. I got up early, did a few chores, went grocery shopping, then hurried up and put the groceries away so I could sit on my newly redecorated front porch enjoying my favorite decorating magazine and sipping on a peach iced tea.
Thank God that those days of chaos, insanity, and pain are over and I no longer have an alcoholic in my life. Thank God I am no longer a victim. Thank God I learned how to make healthy choices. Thank God I realized that I deserve much more than I had settled for in the past. Thank God for Alanon and SR and all the wonderful people here who helped me learn and grow and change.
Here I am alone on Memorial Day and loving every minute of it. I got up early, did a few chores, went grocery shopping, then hurried up and put the groceries away so I could sit on my newly redecorated front porch enjoying my favorite decorating magazine and sipping on a peach iced tea.
Thank God that those days of chaos, insanity, and pain are over and I no longer have an alcoholic in my life. Thank God I am no longer a victim. Thank God I learned how to make healthy choices. Thank God I realized that I deserve much more than I had settled for in the past. Thank God for Alanon and SR and all the wonderful people here who helped me learn and grow and change.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
NTL - I am so sorry for what you have been going through.
I am gald you have some peace after the storm.
My advice is to focus on yourself and not on him, his drinking or his behaviour. You can only help you and he can only help himself.
I am sorry for your pain......thank you for the post and formerdoormat thank you for sharing your day too :0)
You have choices in life - we all have choices, sometimes it takes us a long long time to realise this...sounds like you have taken the first step....keep stepping there is a wonderful world out ther to be enjoyed.
All the very best Phiz
I am gald you have some peace after the storm.
My advice is to focus on yourself and not on him, his drinking or his behaviour. You can only help you and he can only help himself.
I am sorry for your pain......thank you for the post and formerdoormat thank you for sharing your day too :0)
You have choices in life - we all have choices, sometimes it takes us a long long time to realise this...sounds like you have taken the first step....keep stepping there is a wonderful world out ther to be enjoyed.
All the very best Phiz
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