Some Family Rejects sober husband

Old 05-23-2008, 04:40 PM
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Angry Some Family Rejects sober husband

I don't understand it, and I am quite angry. Earlier last year, a few of my family members stated that they were "making bounderies" and not going to be a part of my alcoholic husband life. They stated that they will no longer attend family functions if he were there. I understood at the time, because he was a raging alcoholic. Now he's a sober alcoholic and it's been 6 months, and they still don't want him attending family functions when they are present. How is this fair? My son and I are welcome, but I cannot bring my husband-of whom they know is sober-but don't quite believe it!It is causing a disruption and a division for my entire family! My sister and mother have to plan functions at two separate times so that "they" aren't all there at the same time. Everyone else is giving into their unrealistic demands to "keep the peace", but I am at the point where I will not attend functions if he is not welcome. It is difficult, however because I do not want my son to miss out. Am I wrong?
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Old 05-23-2008, 05:12 PM
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I don't think you are wrong, alynn07, but perhaps not for the reasons you are thinking. I would continue to focus on YOU, and what brings peace and serenity in YOUR life. Your RA husband has his own focus, and your motivation doesn't have to be about him on this issue. If the absence of your husband at the function is bringing YOU pain, then you aren't wrong in skipping functions for the family. If these people are a cause of stress for you, then being around them is toxic to YOUR boundaries of keeping a happy focus in life. Turn this over a bit and think about how YOU are being affected, not your husband. Then decide. And choose the one that feels right in your gut, that brings a sense of peace to your body and mind.
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Old 05-23-2008, 05:20 PM
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Wink

Thank you, PeaceTeach! I really needed that! Yes, it does cause ME stress. I have to set MY boundaries! Wow. I didn't realize I was more focused on him than I was on me! The "codey" in me still exists.
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Old 05-23-2008, 05:37 PM
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Life is full of changes, with or without addiction. In recovery, we get to choose which directions we want take with each new opportunity life brings. Just for today, get that self-mojo going and remind yourself that YOU deserve to be happy, to put yourself in an atmosphere of serenity and love. And to know that some things change, even the way family holidays are celebrated! Change is part of growth, and knowing what feels right helps you to make the right choices, choose the right paths. Keeping the focus on YOU is the healthiest gift you can give to yourself and your family.

And get reading on some codependency books if you haven't much! They are so insightful and empowering. I love "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie
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Old 05-25-2008, 03:24 PM
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How is this fair?
It is fair. As you are well aware, alcoholics wreak havoc on many people's lives. Your family has every right to invite whomever they choose into their home. Likewise, they have every right to bar whomever they please. And you have every right to attend or not. This situation is directly a result of your husband's actions. His actions = his consequences.

My alcoholic boyfriend had seven months of sobriety but then decided to "have just one more drink to see if he could handle it now." That resulted in one final binge that ended his life. After what I've been through, six months of sobriety doesn't convince me that an alcoholic is embarking on a life-long change. Six months of sobriety after 40 years of drinking was a drop in the bucket for my alcoholic boyfriend, and was barely any time at all in comparision to his drinking career.

You can't blame your family for wanting to protect themselves from someone who has been harmful to them and harmful to you. Either go without your husband or don't go at all. But it's wrong to be angry at people who have set boundaries in their lives to protect themselves from harm.
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Old 05-26-2008, 09:52 AM
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Thank you for your comments and I'm so sorry for your loss. I just have to say that it wasn't a matter of "harm", but "embarrassment". Either way, I know alcoholism does affect everyone around them. I hope I'm not out of line, but 6 or 7 months is better than none at all, isn't it?
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Old 05-26-2008, 10:19 AM
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I spent many many years inflicting pain, chaos, and confusion on my loved ones.

Their trust wasn't earned overnight, and rightfully so.

It helps me to remember that I am the only one in my family in recovery, both from alcoholism/addiction, and codependency.

Other family members don't have a program to help them past the pain, resentments, and fear that they have in their lives.

So, I must set my boundaries for what I will/won't put up with as far as those members are concerned.

Even though I've been sober over 17 years now, my mother still has a tremendous amount of unresolved anger/resentments.

Our family gatherings are limited to about once a month for a few hours to eat out and see a movie.

It's always pleasant, and we're not around each other long enough for conflicts.

The higher my expectations of others, the lower my serenity

I have also had to be aware of what was in the best interest of my kids (now both grown) and had to learn to put aside my feelings at times. There's nothing worse than having our kids reap the benefits of our own aggravation/anger towards other family members.

My oldest daughter is a prime example of that. She is an active alcoholic, and when she still had custody of her kids, she allowed her own unresolved feelings towards me dictate what she allowed me to do with the grandchildren, which was nothing. She kept them from me. Did that hurt? Yes. However, it hurt the grandchildren far more
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Old 05-26-2008, 11:29 AM
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Absolutely 6-7 months of sobriety is better than none at all. It may be the beginning of a life-long recovery, and it may not. Only time will tell. Sadly, the odds are stacked against the majority of addicts. Hopefully, your husband will be one of the lucky ones. I pray that he will.

As Freedom already mentioned, it takes time and actions to rebuild trust once it's been broken. Allow your family time to heal plus the dignity to make healthy choices for themselves. Their choices are not meant to hurt you or your husband; they are intended to protect themselves.

My family held a lot of resentment towards my alcoholic boyfriend because of the hurt and anguish he'd caused me. I would feel the same if someone were causing my daughter pain. When I looked at the situation from this perspective, I was better able to understand their actions.
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