firebird

I tried to leave my Abf yesterday, bags packed, plane ticket, etc. and I couldn't do it. I know in my gut that this relationship is going nowhere, that I don't want the kind of life he can offer me. My instincts tell me to get out no matter how hard it is, but I just couldn't do it.

I've decided to give it one more chance. I'm angry and disappointed with myself for being so weak and allowing myself to try again, when I know in my heart he won't put our relationship first. At the same time, I feel like maybe I haven't tried hard enough.

We were meant to be getting married. I have called it off and said that this is our last chance to try to work things out. I still don't think he sees his drinking as a problem and although he has cut down and things are better, they aren't good enough yet. How do you learn to accept that you are just not getting through? And that they would choose alcohol over a person who loves them?

Laan

It's very hard hey, but some things we just need to accept - it's not nice though.

If you feel you could give him another chance, go ahead, but do not allow yourself to become a doormat! Once they know they've got the upper hand, you will always be last to be considered.

In my opinion, give it a try for yourself, but know where to draw the line - for yourself!

Lilyflower

Firebird, I split up with my exabf time and time again,I would tell him it was over, find somewhere to go blah blah, and then beg him to stay after. Once I moved out; packed my bags called a cab for myself and my daughter and lived at my mums for a week; before I caved and went back. Don't be angry and disappointed with yourself, this is so hard.

You will know when you have finally reached the end, the promise of a brighter tomorrow without the misery becomes more appealing than the hope things will get better.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

lostnspain

That is soo true Lily Flower..
I would hate being with him but I would stay because I loved him..the problem was he didn't know how to be any different then he was. And I was in love with a person I thought he was not..What he is.
I know it is a process. You will make the right dicision at the right time for you.

firebird

Thanks. It is hard and I just can't seem to let go. The thing is he knows he has me right where he wants me. When I leave I want it to be a clean break with closure so I can put it all behind me with no regrets that I didn't do everything I could.

I keep second guessing myself and really can't get my head around why he doesn't get it. I suppose I just need to accept him for the damaged, selfish person that he is and move on because right now I feel like my life is on hold waiting for him to return to the person he was. And it's tearing me apart. . . so maybe I look at it as having to leave to save myself.

lostnfound1961

I have learned that my husband has an illness, the same one my mom and dad had and yes I have. I have not had a drink in over two years but I can tell you when you are in that altered state..... Everything changes. You don't feel what other people are feeling, you are blined to the pain you cause and you do what seems fun at the time.

I don't know how long you have been eith him but the longer you stay.... the harder it will be to leave. You can become addicted to his addiction, to the stress and drama. Your preseption of who he is and who you are and what hand you have in this illness will change. You will go from, (I can't live like this) to (how can I help him) and (oh no, he is doing it again, what did I do) and the ever lovely (he is in so much pain, if I leave him, he will die)

That is all bunk, head games you play with your self curtisy of his drinking (HIS drinking, His illness) He will do what he will do with or without you. The pain wont stop for you unless you move on to a healthy relationship.

You didn't brake him and you can't fix him, but you can fix you.
Hugs
Dale Ann

Barbara52

firebird, just how long are you willing to put you life on hold? What are you getting out of this?

Accepting people as they are is an important step toward living a healthier life.

Bernadette

Heya firebird.
(((hugs)))
It is so very hard to end a love relationship. Unfortunately in our "brain" memory we still have this powerful residue of the first impressions and the good times. It is unfortunately the same type of mechanism in our nervous system that facilitates addictive beahvior. Just like the A who is not really enjoying their d.o.c. anymore but continues to use it in spite of negative consequences because they are still looking to relive those first few great highs.

I have heard recovered alcoholics say to those that are still not "ready" for recovery "Well maybe you still have some drinking to do." And it always kind of shocks me, because anyone from the outside can see this person should probably stop NOW!! But it's not until you're done that you're done. Just don't let yourself get bogged down in "trying" to salvage what is just a distant memory from the past. You could waste a lot of years.

You said:
At the same time, I feel like maybe I haven't tried hard enough.
Is it YOU who hasn't tried enough? So you think your partner has been really really trying and is someone who is willing to grow and change and it's just YOU who is responsible for the relationship going south? I would think long and hard about that. We all need to own our own actions and behaviors. But we don't have to be unduly hard on ourselves.

I hope things work out for you. But if in the end you do decide to leave it is gonna hurt, no matter how much we know it is the right thing to do - it is gonna still hurt and we have to live in that pain for a while as part of the process...just don't stay in a mediocre relationship out of fear of the pain of separating!!

Peace and prayers that you will figure it all out. One day at a time!
B.

Summer2008

Firebird, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, I also have a bf who is an alcoholic. I have been dating him for almost a year and a half now. I have walked away from our relationship several times already, and thought about it even more then he is aware of.

Luckily I have my own apt so it makes it easier.

I think of myself as sitting on the fence in regards to what direction our relationship will go. For now the way I see things is like this, "As long as I am having more good days then bad days with him and/or I am ready I will continue to stay with him.

The thing I keep telling myself is I do not have to make the decision today.