jojo

My first time on this site was June 9, the day before I took my husband to detox after him being clean and sober(?) for over two years. It was really a tough time because I really thought that he had it under control after that length of time and so my guard was way down. In retrospect, I recognize that I should have seen the signs - depressed, doing alot of sleeping in the evening and then not being able to sleep much during the night, not much smiling or laughing. All of this time he had been going to AA meetings about 3 times a week and talking to his sponsor about that often.

He fell off the wagon hard, finally went into detox and came out and went back to meetings. He was still under alot of stress because of trying to fulfill commitments he had made and trying to make things "right." I have been concerned but he seemed to be doing semi OK.

He fell off again. I thought that he had been drinking last night but didn't smell anything. This morning he called and was wasted. I got him to tell me where he was and got a neighbor to drive me to get him. Took him right back to the Recovery Center for detox again and hopefully into a long term treatment program after that.

I've read all of the posts, I have posted and read your replies to me and have been soooo grateful. You all seem to be so much further along than I am. Alot of your advice I do already. Is there anyone out there who lives with an A like mine who goes for long periods without drinking and than has huge relapses? He never just has a drink or two. It is always all or nothing. How do you handle the two completely different situations? Because of past trouble with the law that caught up with him (10 years ago when I didn't even know him} we have had some serious financial setbacks to the point where I needed to sell my car. So here I am, 57 years old, no car, on Social Security disability from fibrolmyalgia and a husband I can no longer depend on.

I guess the whole point of Alanon is to teach you to live with the alcoholic in a manner that doesn't take you down with them. But when your only source of income is that alcoholic, how do you protect yourself financially for future relapses? How do you tell the guy that earns the money that he can't have anything to do with controlling it? I feel trapped. Even if I learn to "live with the alcoholic" in a healthier way for myself, you can't learn to live without a roof over your head or food on table.

I just reread what I wrote and realized that even during those long sober spells he is a really needy person. Sometimes I feel like he is a full time job for me! I have learned one thing from this site. He just called from detox and asked me to bring him his bathrobe and slippers tonight. At first I thought, that is the last thing I want to do but I'll do it and then I thought, he made the decision to drink so he can wait until tomorrow for his robe. I have had enough for today. I told him that I was too tired and I would bring him his stuff in the morning. Felt good about that.

Anyone out there who lives in a situation similar to mine? I'd like to know how you manage to deal with it. While he is in the hospital I will have a vehicle to get to Alanon meetings and hopefully, can find someone who would be willing to give me a ride once in a while after he gets home.

Happy Fourth of July to all. I at least will have a peaceful one!

Debbie

Hey Jojo

I hear you but in my case, he is the one who is on the SSD and I am the one that is working and I am the only driver....ugh.....try that one for a while. But when it comes to drinking, I think our husbands could be one in the same. No couple drinks for him, just go straight to the hard stuff and do it right.

He's been in and out of hospitals and rehabs and there have been a couple times where he has been sober for long periods of time. I guess to this day I hope he gets it.

I guess I don't really have any great words of wisdom for you. Take this time for yourself, treat yourself while he gone and good for you for not jumping up to take him his stuff. I just figured I would tell you, I can relate......very much so.

But you know what, we are survivors and we gotta do what we gotta do.

I will be thinking of you and I am sending you a ton of hugs.

Love,
Debbie

maryl

Jojo,
I am in the same boat!. But my AH doesn't want to admit he has a problem and won't go to rehab. He is also the only bread winner in the house and with 2 kids and 1 car it is hard. Mine also gets out of hand, a few drinks are not enough and it escalates with each passing day till he misses a day of work or we get into it really bad.
I will tell you honestly, I truely wonder sometimes if it's worth it. I wish I had a job because our last argument would have ended with me leaving. But having no $$ makes that a hard choice.
I have read this great book called The Power Of Now by Eckart Toll. It is a wonderful book and hits hard how not to let these people who bring us down get to us. Gives also more insight as to why people in general act the way they do. If your husband is like mine he has other issues he has not faced and unfortunately we are the ones who get to deal with it.
My prayers and heart go out to you. I'm sorry I have no real answers for you, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. Keep posting and look at other posts. There is great advice out there and always a new way to look at our situation. Take advantage of having the car and if you can't get a ride to alanon meetings get a number of someone in the group who you could call if you really need to talk.

HUGS TO YOU,
maryl

EyesOpen

Jojo:

I dont mean to trivialize your situation... not at all.

But, perhaps you're not as financially dependent on him as much as you think.... especially if you take a long-term view point.

Even without the problem of alcohol, there are lots of situations where women are financially dependent on their husbands, and then due to illness or death of the spouse, loose their means of support. This happens to women of all ages....in all medical conditions.

Don't mean to be morbid, but there's no guarantees that he'll always be able to support you for the remainder of your life. Thinking that he is your source of financial security is kind of a false mindset, and is giving you a false sense of being trapped.

I read your post, and I hear a mature, intelligent, computer-literate woman speaking. I hear a woman with marketable skills or one capable of starting a small business from home. Maybe that sounds like too big a step tomorrow, but next year, year after that, maybe not so crazy.

You said it yourself. "even during the sober spells he is a needy person". Maybe the truth is that you are the pillar holding the household together, not him.

Maybe you're not as trapped as the alcohol wants you to think you are......... the alcohol they drink is very, very good at making US think we are powerless and stuck.

athorityangel

HI!

WHEN I WAS MARRIED TO THE AH. I WAS FINANCIALLY
DEPENDENT ON HIM. AFTER 7 YEARS OF ABUSE, NO MONEY,
PULLING A RED WAGON WITH MY BABY AND 1 LOAD OF
LAUNDRY AT A TIME 2 MILES TO THE LAUNDRYMAT, I DECIDED
I AM STAYING HERE BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO.

I MADE A DECISSION TO PICK UP EVERY PENNEY I FOUND ON THE
STREET TO SAVE AWAY UNTIL I COULD GET OUT OF THE
SITUATION. STABBED, SHOT AT, BEAT UP. LEFT 400 MILES
FROM HOME 8 MONTHS PREGNANT.

IN 6 MONTHS I WAS STILL ALIVE, SAVED ENOUGH MONEY TO
BUY A BUS TICKET FOR MYSELF AND MY 3 YEAR OLD, AND HAD
ENOUGH MONEY FOR 1 PHONE CALL.

THIS EXPERIENCE HAS TAUGHT ME, WHAT HAD I DONE TO PUT
MYSELF IN SITUATIONS THAT WILL HURT ME.

I DIDN'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO RED FLAGS. I MADE CHOICES
THAT WERE NOT GOOD FOR ME. ANY OTHER PERSON WOULD
HAVE RUN AWAY AND FAST. NOT ME....... I HAD TO WORK
THE STEPS AND FIND OUT EXACTLY WHY I DID THIS TO MYSELF.

WHAT AN EYE OPENER THAT WAS WHEN I FIGURED IT OUT.

MY LESSON IS TO NOT GET BACK WITH PEOPLE WHO DRINK AND
DRUG.

NOT ALL ALANONERS STAY. SOME DO.... IT IS A CHOICE...
ATHORITYANGEL

maryl

Angel,
Wow, what an inspiration. I guess NO EXCUSES are your moto. Thanks for sharing your trying and rewarding experience. Sometimes you must do whats right no matter what.
maryl