whatnow2

Right now AH is going to counseling and claiming to be "dry"...For now I have postponed divorce plans, but I'm bummed because there are still really bad signs that AH is being dishonest about behavior.

I was thinking the financial fear was what was keeping me in this situation. Well now that I think I've got it worked out so the kids and I could get by for a while I still fear leaving. When he was gone for a few weeks after I filed an Order of Protection, I really missed him. Not so much "him" but closeness and intimacy. This is/was a big part of our relationship. And I by no means think I'm any kind of sex addict or any thing like that, but it was a great part of our relationship and I definitely miss it when he is not here.

We've been married almost 20 years and I worry about meeting someone new, finding someone who wants to be with me, who is any less "messed up" than what I already have. I have never been alone. Since I was 16, I have been in one relationship or another. I have 4 kids, too. Dating would be a pain and I certainly wouldn't want to rush in to something with a stranger.

So that's my fear and I know intimacy is not more important than my sanity, but how do you get over your fear of being alone?

Serenity8

That is a tough one. For me, I am alone so much and the sex is non-existent that my AH has sort of done me the favor of making it easy to contemplate a life without him.

I think you need to figure out why you will choose to accept what I am assuming is unacceptable behavior. And the BEST favor you can do yourself is be your own comfort person, your best friend, and get to a point where you don't need anyone to feel comfortable and confident. Whether you choose to stay with your AH or not. Because only then will you be able to make the right choices for the right reasons.

Chrysalis123

Boy, I am dealing with this exact sentiment. Sometimes the fear is intense but then I remember how lonely and unhappy, depressed I was in the marriage. I am slowly creating a new life but it is still a scary thing to contemplate.

Barbara52

Part of getting over my fears about being alone was the realization that I was already alone even though married. AH had removed himself from the relationship, was emotionally distant and unavailable. We lived as roommates rather than husband and wife. There was no intimacy. To some degree, all physically removing myself did was remove the drama, anger, annoyance, etc that went along with living with an active alcholic who is deep in denial. I actually feel less alone now than I did when I was living with AH.

Serenity8

This is exactly how I feel, though we still live together. I think I will be so much happier once we don't live together; I have to get over that hump myself and get moving to make it happen.

whatnow2

Thank you for your replies. In my situation, AH is still "trying" and what really makes it hard is that there are some really good times and then times like today when he came home late and claimed to be "at the store". The good times are so good, but the bad times are so so bad. We'll see what happens, pray and take one day at a time.

The counselor he is seeing will let me come after he has gone a few times and I am really looking forward to that. I know he has been somewhat open with the counselor because the counselor told him to read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship."

I do know that if he had any explosive moments I would have him removed again. It seems every episode gets us closer and closer to the end. He can get VERY angry when drunk and verbally abusive. Then when he sobers up and is sorry he is great. Sometimes I think if we could just live in seperate homes and see each other for "visits" that would be ideal. Then I wouldn't wonder or know if he's drinking and be let down, or have to deal with a slob passed out on the couch. He hasn't been like that since being back and I'm trying to focus on me and let God worry about him.

Pick-a-name

haha.....actually we did that for a few years. I suppose in a way,we still are.
I once kidded (kinda) that down the road,if things got better we'd do well to have a duplex. The noise,kids,pets,etc. on my side and he could live "just so" one his.

I've decided the same thing you have,though. Work on myself and my life and let God's plans for me (and him) unfold. They will (His plans) anyhow.

I'm sorry about the outburts when your AH drinks.........that's how my AH got towards the end of living here with us,and why he no longer does. He swears the kids and I made up the things he said and did,just to be mean....(what?!!). It's sad what happens with alcoholism in the lives of so many.