1000island333

On many occasions in the past year or so my Ah will disappear
to our neighbor next door. He will do work for her on her computer
or around her apartment in exchange for money. He also hits her
liquor cabinet and comes back pretty drunk. I have told her that
I am not too happy with it.

Last night he was so drunk that he woke me up twice during the night.
It was pretty upsetting. A big fight ensued. . Anyway, I wrote a letter to her saying that I
am not blaming her after all he is responsible for his behaviors but too
please stop helping him get his drunk on. I mean I have to live with it
after all. Plus his drinking is accelerating lately. I rang her door bell twice but there was no answer this morning
so I pushed the letter through her mail slot. I wonder now if I am being
too controlling. I was just so fed up of it. I don't like that he will get
the neighbors involved in his drinking. She doesn't drink or smoke but has
the occasional drink. He also borrows money from neighbors and doesn't
pay them back which is another pet peeve with me. Was I wrong to tell
her to stop supplying him with the means to drink and a place to get
smashed as well?

LaTeeDa

I've come to a place where I don't like to label actions as "right" or "wrong." It's a matter of opinion and my opinion of your actions doesn't really make a lick of difference.

You are welcome to tell her anything you like. And she is welcome to do as she pleases, as long as she is not breaking any law. So, whether it's right or wrong, I don't know. But, it seems like probably a waste of your time and energy.

L

1000island333

I agree, your opinion of my actions doesn't make as you say a lick of difference.
I have come to a "place" where I KNOW she is not breaking the law too.:ghug2

Being with this crazy drunk is a waste of time so I guess I have lost my way in
what is probably my waste of time and energy.
1000

LaTeeDa

You are not unique. When I was married to a "crazy drunk" I tried to control him and everyone around him, too. When I finally realized the only person I could control was myself, I stopped wasting time and energy. Now I put it to good use making my life better. It took some time and a really wise counselor, but it was so worth it. Is counseling an option for you? Or, maybe Alanon?

L

PrettyViolets

I would look at it from your neighbor's perspective. Your neighbor may like your husband's company. She may be lonely or likes to have a man to help her with things, so she may be more willing to go along with anything that he wants in order to be social. She does not have to live with him, so she may not know the consequences of what happens when your husband gets too drunk and she may not understand alcoholism.

If you do get a chance to talk to the neighbor, I would honest with her that your husband may be taking advantage of her and that your husband drinking too much alcohol is causing problems in your marriage. It is her choice though on what she decides to do. And if your husband is not able to get the liquor at the neighbors, he will get the liquor somewhere else (he is addicted).

Barbara52

Its not wrong to let your feeling be know to your neighbor. Its not wrong to make a request she not supply alcohol. But now that you've made that request, her further actions are up to her. Be prepared for the possibility of anger from her or your husband.

I do hope you consider AlAnon or counseling. It may help you understand your actions and choices better. You cannot control what your AH or anyone else does. You can control your own reactions and actions.

1000island333

A big thank you to all. Actually I was feeling stupid and guilty about the
letter though I did put it nicely (I think) to her. My SA has become worse
in a few days and I think he is using again. I will let my neighbor know not
to trust him at all because he has taken our bus pass and sold it as well
as other things that transpired today (lying, taking my bike and disappearing,
and worse taking money he had no business taking) all in one day.

I wish I could just walk out tomorrow or soon. I am even looking into it.
Thank goodness I have a vault but the DVD player doesn't fit in it. Darn!
I think a lot of stress would disappear if I can manage a clean break. Life
is too short for this. It is so creepy to be with someone like this. Never
again will I ever live like this. I look around and I have so much stuff.
I mostly want to take the two cats with me. They will not thrive with this
guy. He is getting so much worse so fast. It's amazing how it can accelerate.
:codiepolice

PHIZ007

whether you stay or whether you go do start working on yourself as if you don't the sad thing is that you will more than likely take all this into a new relationship eventually.

It isn't easy but once you start working on you lots of good things will happen.
Life can be good again

All the best Phiz:ghug3