In Need of Change...Ideas?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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In Need of Change...Ideas?
I was talking with my therapist last week and telling her that i need a change. I'm starting to feel like every day is becoming more and more like the same routine, the same internal feelings and wondering if this is as good as it gets for me?
A little background.....i work 9-5 at a job that I've been at for 9 years. It can be lonely at times as I'm alone in the afternoons and no interaction with co-workers. From there i go to the gym about 4 times a week and do weights, spin, aerobics, and kick boxing. Then i usually go home, make dinner, watch some TV and go to bed about 11 or 12. But i have also started our softball season which has been a blast. We play Mon. and Wed. and it's with pretty much new people that i met this year for the first time. I've joined Match but am not really feeling that lately either!
I guess my question would be if you are no longer with your A or have detached, how do you break up the monotony of the everyday/week same routine. My life is by no means empty but I'm feeling a bit robotic and it could also be my residential area. My exabf lives down around the corner now. But me and my roommates are pretty much settled where we are and like the area. My STRONG feeling is that i shouldn't feel like i have to be the one to leave. But I'm keeping it an option because maybe out of sight, out of mind would be best for me. I do live on the East Coast so there are alot of outdoor things to do as well.
Just looking to see what you do to break up that same old routine or if there is a "moving on" kind of book i could read to alter my thinking!!
Thanks!
p.s. Has anyone watched the Larry Brown video about forgiveness? My therapist had me look it up. About a son that lost his father to murder and he spent YEARS angry and upset at the murderer. Once he forgave him (within himself) his life was so much more happy and peaceful. Worth looking up for those struggling in that area as i am. Doesn't mean forget!
A little background.....i work 9-5 at a job that I've been at for 9 years. It can be lonely at times as I'm alone in the afternoons and no interaction with co-workers. From there i go to the gym about 4 times a week and do weights, spin, aerobics, and kick boxing. Then i usually go home, make dinner, watch some TV and go to bed about 11 or 12. But i have also started our softball season which has been a blast. We play Mon. and Wed. and it's with pretty much new people that i met this year for the first time. I've joined Match but am not really feeling that lately either!
I guess my question would be if you are no longer with your A or have detached, how do you break up the monotony of the everyday/week same routine. My life is by no means empty but I'm feeling a bit robotic and it could also be my residential area. My exabf lives down around the corner now. But me and my roommates are pretty much settled where we are and like the area. My STRONG feeling is that i shouldn't feel like i have to be the one to leave. But I'm keeping it an option because maybe out of sight, out of mind would be best for me. I do live on the East Coast so there are alot of outdoor things to do as well.
Just looking to see what you do to break up that same old routine or if there is a "moving on" kind of book i could read to alter my thinking!!
Thanks!
p.s. Has anyone watched the Larry Brown video about forgiveness? My therapist had me look it up. About a son that lost his father to murder and he spent YEARS angry and upset at the murderer. Once he forgave him (within himself) his life was so much more happy and peaceful. Worth looking up for those struggling in that area as i am. Doesn't mean forget!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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A good idea for a thread hbb, thanks.
I have no advice as I'm stil re-adjusting. I'm living with my Dad now and I just don't know what to do with myself. Its nearing the end of the working day here and I know I'll be going home to have my tea, watch a bit of telly, have a bath, sit in bed and go sleep like I have been every single night for the past month since I split for good from ex. I try to go swimming with my friend each Wednesday but I have started cancelling, it seems easier to lay around feeling sorry for myself.
Weird thing is when I was with ex, I spent my evening wondering WHEN he would be home.
Hmm, so yeah - nothing at all to add but thanks for the thread. I hope to get some ideas also.
I have no advice as I'm stil re-adjusting. I'm living with my Dad now and I just don't know what to do with myself. Its nearing the end of the working day here and I know I'll be going home to have my tea, watch a bit of telly, have a bath, sit in bed and go sleep like I have been every single night for the past month since I split for good from ex. I try to go swimming with my friend each Wednesday but I have started cancelling, it seems easier to lay around feeling sorry for myself.
Weird thing is when I was with ex, I spent my evening wondering WHEN he would be home.
Hmm, so yeah - nothing at all to add but thanks for the thread. I hope to get some ideas also.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
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Heather, you rascal, you've been reading my mail.
What helps me is an AA club that I go to.
there is always some kind of happening.
I ride my HOG alot, and that consumes alot of time,
and I meet all kinds of good people.
Try steping out of your comfort zone, it helped me.
What helps me is an AA club that I go to.
there is always some kind of happening.
I ride my HOG alot, and that consumes alot of time,
and I meet all kinds of good people.
Try steping out of your comfort zone, it helped me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
I'm considering scuba, I think I need to quit smoking though.
and that would be a good thing, there are to many things
that interest me, $$$$ I need more. to satisfy my wants.
and that would be a good thing, there are to many things
that interest me, $$$$ I need more. to satisfy my wants.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Maybe I am wrong here but what jumps out at me with your post is: you have a STRONG feeling that you shouldn’t be the one who has to leave.
And that your therapist is suggesting forgiveness. Sounds like maybe having him living close by is keeping you in your regimented routine which is also keeping you away from your home for long periods of time. Keeping busy to avoid things can be good in one way but bad in emotional ways. Maybe that is why your therapist is suggesting forgiveness, to get you to a healthier emotional place because he is living close by.
When I broke up with an old bf I avoided like crazy without even realizing it. I kept myself busy, too busy to deal with my continued hurt and avoiding running into him was my protection.
With me it was more in forgiving myself and understanding my co-dependent behaviors that kept me in an un-healthy relationship far longer then I should have been. With time I had forgiveness towards him, had developed better coping skills, understood red flags with people and felt proud to be able to avoid un-healthy people and relationships.
Running into him was no longer an emotional threat and feeling totally free was a blessing.
I don’t know of any books, for me talking, sharing ideas and gaining input about myself was what helped.
And that your therapist is suggesting forgiveness. Sounds like maybe having him living close by is keeping you in your regimented routine which is also keeping you away from your home for long periods of time. Keeping busy to avoid things can be good in one way but bad in emotional ways. Maybe that is why your therapist is suggesting forgiveness, to get you to a healthier emotional place because he is living close by.
When I broke up with an old bf I avoided like crazy without even realizing it. I kept myself busy, too busy to deal with my continued hurt and avoiding running into him was my protection.
With me it was more in forgiving myself and understanding my co-dependent behaviors that kept me in an un-healthy relationship far longer then I should have been. With time I had forgiveness towards him, had developed better coping skills, understood red flags with people and felt proud to be able to avoid un-healthy people and relationships.
Running into him was no longer an emotional threat and feeling totally free was a blessing.
I don’t know of any books, for me talking, sharing ideas and gaining input about myself was what helped.
Live, Laugh, Love
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Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
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Atalose, i agree with you 100%. I'm terrified to turning that corner at the store or where ever and running into him. I'm not sure if you know but apparently he and his ex are having a baby and they got married just recently (all within 10 months mind you).
My therapist talks about wanting me in the right place when/if that should happen and i'm not sure i'm there yet....i know i'm not there yet actually. Your right, avoidance and keeping busy elsewhere is what i think i'm doing. Driving by there house EVERY day to work sucks too. There is a round about way but it's a pain and i feel if i'm going to live there i need to get used to being comfortable there. It seems as though he's no where and avoiding me like the plague because i do rarely see him drive by or whatnot. I think for me, it's the anticipation EVERY time i go out to my car that today's the day. Maybe i need for it to happen to move on.
I'm struggling with forgiveness. I know it's only affecting me, i know that full well. I'm still angry and hurt. My days are defiantly better but i think they could even be better if i just could see what everyone else sees. He's a liar, cheater, breaking the law financially and the list goes on. WHAT'S APPEALING? I know what, the fact that i'm a good person and i deserve a baby and a husband and a good life....
I know that it's upto me to seek that life out and i'm damn stuck at the moment once again!
Geees ~ YES quit smoking!! Best thing i did for myself, i smoked 12 years and Sept. 1st will be 4 that i quit Scuba sounds fun! Oh and good thing you clarified hog lol!!! I knew what you meant because of Dumb and Dumber lol!!!
My therapist talks about wanting me in the right place when/if that should happen and i'm not sure i'm there yet....i know i'm not there yet actually. Your right, avoidance and keeping busy elsewhere is what i think i'm doing. Driving by there house EVERY day to work sucks too. There is a round about way but it's a pain and i feel if i'm going to live there i need to get used to being comfortable there. It seems as though he's no where and avoiding me like the plague because i do rarely see him drive by or whatnot. I think for me, it's the anticipation EVERY time i go out to my car that today's the day. Maybe i need for it to happen to move on.
I'm struggling with forgiveness. I know it's only affecting me, i know that full well. I'm still angry and hurt. My days are defiantly better but i think they could even be better if i just could see what everyone else sees. He's a liar, cheater, breaking the law financially and the list goes on. WHAT'S APPEALING? I know what, the fact that i'm a good person and i deserve a baby and a husband and a good life....
I know that it's upto me to seek that life out and i'm damn stuck at the moment once again!
Geees ~ YES quit smoking!! Best thing i did for myself, i smoked 12 years and Sept. 1st will be 4 that i quit
Scuba sounds fun! Oh and good thing you clarified hog lol!!! I knew what you meant because of Dumb and Dumber lol!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Heather -
I think I understand. I have been feeling the same way - stuck. It's like I am wondering; is time going to heal this wound, if so I will try to be patient. If not, is there something I NEED to be doing?? If I need to be doing something to get past this, then what???? I realize that life with my AH was bad, and I entertain no thoughts of going back to it. I think I have forgiven him; or at least I am darn close. He continues to be himself and the only part that upsets me is that others don't see it.
I try to focus on me -- but, like you I have this big question NOW WHAT? What should I do to move on, or is it just going to happen?
I think I understand. I have been feeling the same way - stuck. It's like I am wondering; is time going to heal this wound, if so I will try to be patient. If not, is there something I NEED to be doing?? If I need to be doing something to get past this, then what???? I realize that life with my AH was bad, and I entertain no thoughts of going back to it. I think I have forgiven him; or at least I am darn close. He continues to be himself and the only part that upsets me is that others don't see it.
I try to focus on me -- but, like you I have this big question NOW WHAT? What should I do to move on, or is it just going to happen?
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I like posts like this Heather, it gives me a chance to reflect on how much my life has changed since I sobered up and came into recovery. My first 6 months sober were the worst times of my life, I had zero motivation to do anything, life felt so stagnant. I too often asked myself "is this it, is this as good as it gets?".
Change came, but it came slowly and continues to happen that way, and I always have to be the one to take action and do the footwork. At first I just immersed myself in recovery meetings and hanging out with people from the Fellowship. I got busy with service work and filled up any spare time trying out new hobbies.
It seems like nowadays there's hardly a free moment. I'm either with my GF, kids, or friends. We play paintball, go to movies, ride motorcycles, camp and hike, and the best gift of all is that we support each other.
I understand what you mean about breaking up a routine or wanting to move on, but my experience has been that I usually wait for my program and HP to show me what I'm going to do next. So far I haven't been let down!
Change came, but it came slowly and continues to happen that way, and I always have to be the one to take action and do the footwork. At first I just immersed myself in recovery meetings and hanging out with people from the Fellowship. I got busy with service work and filled up any spare time trying out new hobbies.
It seems like nowadays there's hardly a free moment. I'm either with my GF, kids, or friends. We play paintball, go to movies, ride motorcycles, camp and hike, and the best gift of all is that we support each other.
I understand what you mean about breaking up a routine or wanting to move on, but my experience has been that I usually wait for my program and HP to show me what I'm going to do next. So far I haven't been let down!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
In some ways I envy you Heather. You are young and can decide to run off to where ever your fancy takes you, to pick a new career, to spread your wings and thrive!
Me, I'm an old fart at 53 and stuck for the time being 'cause of ties with my sons. Not that I feel stuck really but I can't pick up and move as easily as you can if you want.
As to breaking the monotony of life, well, I'm working on that myself, figuring out what I want to do when I grow up.
I love my career but I ahve lots of available time to take on something else also. Just not sure what that may be yet but I'm enjoying figuring it out.
Me, I'm an old fart at 53 and stuck for the time being 'cause of ties with my sons. Not that I feel stuck really but I can't pick up and move as easily as you can if you want.
As to breaking the monotony of life, well, I'm working on that myself, figuring out what I want to do when I grow up.
I love my career but I ahve lots of available time to take on something else also. Just not sure what that may be yet but I'm enjoying figuring it out.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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I'm still giggling from the picture of G Poncho riding a pig!! ha ha ha!
I agree Heather, step out of your comfort zone, join a new class in the evenings, cookery, a language class, dancing, whatever!
I have reclaimed my free time by taking a more active role in my music, which I neglected badly. It is lovely because now my daughter who is learning clarinet will play along with me and my flute!
I also have begun attending my bhuddist class on Sats which I left 3 years ago due to financial difficulties and have truely missed. I practice meditations through the week.
I babysit for my twin neice and nephew every Thursday evening for my sister. I love the time with them, watching them grow and develop!
I spend more time doing things with my daughter, helping with school work and going to the park with the dog, things that always seemed to be put to one side when I was miserable and stressed.
I go to my friends for chats and meals and invite my friends to my house for the same. On Firday I met up with a coworker and she stayed at mine till near 1am until she found a cab home!
Wow, didn't realise I did all these things! Thanks for the thread Heather.
Lily xxxxxxxxx
I agree Heather, step out of your comfort zone, join a new class in the evenings, cookery, a language class, dancing, whatever!
I have reclaimed my free time by taking a more active role in my music, which I neglected badly. It is lovely because now my daughter who is learning clarinet will play along with me and my flute!
I also have begun attending my bhuddist class on Sats which I left 3 years ago due to financial difficulties and have truely missed. I practice meditations through the week.
I babysit for my twin neice and nephew every Thursday evening for my sister. I love the time with them, watching them grow and develop!
I spend more time doing things with my daughter, helping with school work and going to the park with the dog, things that always seemed to be put to one side when I was miserable and stressed.
I go to my friends for chats and meals and invite my friends to my house for the same. On Firday I met up with a coworker and she stayed at mine till near 1am until she found a cab home!
Wow, didn't realise I did all these things! Thanks for the thread Heather.
Lily xxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You don’t have to forgive him today or even tomorrow, you forgive him when you are ready to. Work on forgiving yourself, it’s ok to feel hurt, the life you wanted with him he seems to be having with someone else.
It seems to me that yes you deserve a baby and a husband and a good life. A life where your husband doesn’t lie, cheat or break the law. Your child would deserve better as well. You can still have all of what you wish for just not with this man because this man cannot give you the kind of live you want and deserve.
You should remember that the woman he is hooked up with now and is going to have a baby with is going to have a life filled with hurt and disappointment from him. That child will have hurt and disappointment.
It may feel like you are missing out on something but the truth is you are lucky not to be in that situation with this man. It doesn’t mean you won’t be happy and have a wonderful man in your life to share a child with, one day you will.
Anticipation can be like “the monster in the closet” we let our fears grow and control us, fear takes us away from reality and makes “the monster in the closet bigger and bigger”.
So what’s the worse that can happen if you do happen to run into him? You are not obligated to even talk to him if you chose not to. You don’t even have to acknowledge his presents. Often not saying anything is the best solution at the moment.
Work on this fear, work on how running into him might make you feel and work a healthy solution for yourself. Begin to chip away at “the monster in the closet” to start to free yourself and be able to live in your own neighborhood without anxiety and anticipation every time you leave your home.
It seems to me that yes you deserve a baby and a husband and a good life. A life where your husband doesn’t lie, cheat or break the law. Your child would deserve better as well. You can still have all of what you wish for just not with this man because this man cannot give you the kind of live you want and deserve.
You should remember that the woman he is hooked up with now and is going to have a baby with is going to have a life filled with hurt and disappointment from him. That child will have hurt and disappointment.
It may feel like you are missing out on something but the truth is you are lucky not to be in that situation with this man. It doesn’t mean you won’t be happy and have a wonderful man in your life to share a child with, one day you will.
Anticipation can be like “the monster in the closet” we let our fears grow and control us, fear takes us away from reality and makes “the monster in the closet bigger and bigger”.
So what’s the worse that can happen if you do happen to run into him? You are not obligated to even talk to him if you chose not to. You don’t even have to acknowledge his presents. Often not saying anything is the best solution at the moment.
Work on this fear, work on how running into him might make you feel and work a healthy solution for yourself. Begin to chip away at “the monster in the closet” to start to free yourself and be able to live in your own neighborhood without anxiety and anticipation every time you leave your home.
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Well i just got back from my therapist appt. i had at lunch. We discussed this very thread and am i stuck or not and is this as good as it gets. She agrees that I'm going in a little circle (more recently) but as a whole that things appear alot better.
We talked about the location for a minute and she said to me what i COMPLETELY agree with and already knew.....that even by moving location you take any problems that are unresolved with you where ever you go. I agree, almost like being your worst enemy!!! So for now, I'm making the best of my area and working on ME.
She gave me a challenge of sorts, she said take what IS...that he is married and having a child and know that that's how it is and strictly try and work on my happiness and what i want to do and how i want to live MY life. She said she knows exactly where i am in my thoughts and that why wouldn't he want to be with someone like me and that he has the "fairytale" life (which by the way she knows is in my head and not the case!) of what was to be our future.
She agrees I'm still vulnerable if i should pop into them unexpected as i agree. I truly believe it may be a sigh of relief emotionally for me once this kid is born!
Anyways, i was wrong about the guys name it's Larry James and it just so happens that the other name i mentioned was very helpful and now I'm sending that link to my therapist! Who should be charging who lol!!
p.s. Barb your a spring chicken
***Atalose ~ we were writing at the same time, thank you for giving me that to work on and something to really think about. I should be able to walk out my door freely and go wherever i want to! Sometimes i lose sight of the progress i have made and this is when i can't thank you guys enough. I agree with that monster in the closet theory, something definately to chip away at. I'm going to strictly work on me even if some think it's selfish (i.e. my friends that are used to saying and treating me whoever they want!).
We talked about the location for a minute and she said to me what i COMPLETELY agree with and already knew.....that even by moving location you take any problems that are unresolved with you where ever you go. I agree, almost like being your worst enemy!!! So for now, I'm making the best of my area and working on ME.
She gave me a challenge of sorts, she said take what IS...that he is married and having a child and know that that's how it is and strictly try and work on my happiness and what i want to do and how i want to live MY life. She said she knows exactly where i am in my thoughts and that why wouldn't he want to be with someone like me and that he has the "fairytale" life (which by the way she knows is in my head and not the case!) of what was to be our future.
She agrees I'm still vulnerable if i should pop into them unexpected as i agree. I truly believe it may be a sigh of relief emotionally for me once this kid is born!
Anyways, i was wrong about the guys name it's Larry James and it just so happens that the other name i mentioned was very helpful and now I'm sending that link to my therapist! Who should be charging who lol!!
p.s. Barb your a spring chicken
***Atalose ~ we were writing at the same time, thank you for giving me that to work on and something to really think about. I should be able to walk out my door freely and go wherever i want to! Sometimes i lose sight of the progress i have made and this is when i can't thank you guys enough. I agree with that monster in the closet theory, something definately to chip away at. I'm going to strictly work on me even if some think it's selfish (i.e. my friends that are used to saying and treating me whoever they want!).
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Hey Heather,
I know how you feel. You know....I changed a lot of things in my life to get away from the thoughts I used to have, but nothing worked so well as starting a small business out of my house. I work with different people every day, work in different places, always a creative challenge, meet some really fascinating kindred spirits, and I can work in my bunny slippers til...well....til whenever I feel like it. That, more than anything, took away the time I was spending complexing about "what if." And I ended up meeting a mate, some good friends, making money, and buying freedom. Pick up a copy of Barbara Winter's "Making a Living Without a Job" and see if it sparks any interest. It did for me. Ol' Whats-His-Name rarely enters my mind any more, and then only when I'm gloating about the fact that he's trapped in his stinky lying sewer of a life and I'm happy and free.
Wouldn't you like to feel more of that???
Find your joy, girl. You won't have any time to think about him any more.
Hugs,
GL
I know how you feel. You know....I changed a lot of things in my life to get away from the thoughts I used to have, but nothing worked so well as starting a small business out of my house. I work with different people every day, work in different places, always a creative challenge, meet some really fascinating kindred spirits, and I can work in my bunny slippers til...well....til whenever I feel like it. That, more than anything, took away the time I was spending complexing about "what if." And I ended up meeting a mate, some good friends, making money, and buying freedom. Pick up a copy of Barbara Winter's "Making a Living Without a Job" and see if it sparks any interest. It did for me. Ol' Whats-His-Name rarely enters my mind any more, and then only when I'm gloating about the fact that he's trapped in his stinky lying sewer of a life and I'm happy and free.
Wouldn't you like to feel more of that???
Find your joy, girl. You won't have any time to think about him any more.
Hugs,
GL
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Hog Wild
Originally Posted by Lilyflower 
I'm still giggling from the picture of G Poncho riding a pig!! ha ha ha!
It was a big black bore. There have been other adventures that qualify
too, But I won't go there.
Heather, what did Prince say, Lets Go Crazy, Lets Go Nuts Live it up a little. work is work. an evil (nessity)? Go out and tease the boys a little, Rock your world, But don't pick your nose in public. HA HA
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
Ol' Whats-His-Name rarely enters my mind any more, and then only when I'm gloating about the fact that he's trapped in his stinky lying sewer of a life and I'm happy and free.
Wouldn't you like to feel more of that???
Find your joy, girl. You won't have any time to think about him any more.
Hugs,
GL
Wouldn't you like to feel more of that???
Find your joy, girl. You won't have any time to think about him any more.
Hugs,
GL
And mine does have a stinky sewer of a life too but you know how your brain changes things! I can't wait to feel pure joy and i'm working my ass off to get there! I had a few great weeks in a row not that long ago but slipped along the way.It's amazing how fast the ups and downs come...just at the gym i heard that his baby was due yesterday. I'm hoping that this is it for me and i can finally put his miserable self behind me once and for all. Uggghhhh, apparently he's completely "focusing" on sobriety, i wonder but whatever....
Thank you Anvil that was a great post. It's true i have to make the best with what i have and spice it up a bit in the process! And i HATE mickey mouse anyways lol!!
Ok, now that i've wiped the tears of the latest news i've got to get on track now and focus. I don't know why i'm crying now, maybe because i was hoping it wasn't so
oh well.....
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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thank you Lex...my mind is mush! Trying to focus strictly on me but that doesn't last long! I'll get there eventually. To this day i have NO idea what is even appealing regarding any of our relationship and certainly now with everything that happened why i give it a second thought. Cant get it off my brain 
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