In Need of Change...Ideas?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Something caught my eye in makeachange's post this morning, and in yours:
"Do not ask for joy unless you're ready to feel and release your pain, so you can feel joy.
Do not ask for success unless you're ready to conquer the behaviors that would sabotage success."
I don't imagine that a perfect stranger walked up to you and told you that your X's baby was due. You're still allowing people to give you news about him. You're probably not doing anything to avoid getting news about him and his life...you still crave news about him, so you wouldn't consider holding up your hands and saying, "Look, I don't ever want to hear anything about him, or her, again. I'm trying to get over this. Stop giving me gossip."
You asked how you can make a change in your life. You might start by conquering that behavior, whatever it takes. Consider giving up your drug of choice if you truly want to get better and stay better.
"Do not ask for joy unless you're ready to feel and release your pain, so you can feel joy.
Do not ask for success unless you're ready to conquer the behaviors that would sabotage success."
I don't imagine that a perfect stranger walked up to you and told you that your X's baby was due. You're still allowing people to give you news about him. You're probably not doing anything to avoid getting news about him and his life...you still crave news about him, so you wouldn't consider holding up your hands and saying, "Look, I don't ever want to hear anything about him, or her, again. I'm trying to get over this. Stop giving me gossip."
You asked how you can make a change in your life. You might start by conquering that behavior, whatever it takes. Consider giving up your drug of choice if you truly want to get better and stay better.
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Givelove, i needed to read that today.
I agree with you, i'm not saying i completely avoided any news along the way but up until i walked into that room last night i knew nothing and didn't ask. She blurted it out and i guess from there i listened. I did say that i didn't want to know anything and she said sorry but by then it was too late! I think she may have thought i wanted to know, who knows. I know what you mean though, i've wanted to know stuff over the months....guilty
Your exactly right, i do need to give up my drug of choice. I did talk about that yesterday with my therapist about releasing the pain once and for all to receive happiness and that i'm probably passing by great opportunities the way i am right now.
I KEEP telling myself that it is what it is and that nothing is going to change what has happened so i mise well drop it once and for all.
I wish i understood myself better, i feel like a stranger in my own skin and it sucks. ICK.
I agree with you, i'm not saying i completely avoided any news along the way but up until i walked into that room last night i knew nothing and didn't ask. She blurted it out and i guess from there i listened. I did say that i didn't want to know anything and she said sorry but by then it was too late! I think she may have thought i wanted to know, who knows. I know what you mean though, i've wanted to know stuff over the months....guilty
Your exactly right, i do need to give up my drug of choice. I did talk about that yesterday with my therapist about releasing the pain once and for all to receive happiness and that i'm probably passing by great opportunities the way i am right now.
I KEEP telling myself that it is what it is and that nothing is going to change what has happened so i mise well drop it once and for all.
I wish i understood myself better, i feel like a stranger in my own skin and it sucks. ICK.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by hbb 
I agree with you, i'm not saying i completely avoided any news along the way but up until i walked into that room last night i knew nothing and didn't ask. She blurted it out and i guess from there i listened. I did say that i didn't want to know anything and she said sorry but by then it was too late! I think she may have thought i wanted to know, who knows. I know what you mean though, i've wanted to know stuff over the months....guilty
I personally would pretend she has Ebola, heather. Avoid her like she can give you some disease that can kill you. Because, in a way, she can. You don't need any help sabotaging yourself. Who blurts out "good" news about someone's ex, thinking it's a good idea? Who is that self-centered? Anyway, not to rag on her, but.....she sounds like a good candidate for keeping away from you as you continue to try to get better.
For today, maybe take a deep breath and start again, brick by brick.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
I love this thread Heather. So many people look out for you- not the idiot (IMHO) who blurted out the news about your ex.
Don't you live in Boston? It sounds like a small town- how easy it is to run into him or people who know him.
Anyway- one thing that struck me in reading through your replies- you can't run away from him- move for instance. It doesn't work. My experience is that my AH had an emotional affair (maybe more) with a woman he went to law school with. It lasted a year before I finally had the evidence to confront him with. In that year I knew things were not right, tried to get him to counseling with me, tried to talk to him about it- nothing worked. When I found out I still had to endure 2 more years of his going to school with this woman- killed me. We could go into why- why did I stay with him? But the point I want to make is that after he was done with school we moved out of state- and I couldn't WAIT to get out of there- leave all of the memories behind. That didn't work. I carried them with me because we/me didn't really work through them. Now- 9 years later, I am finally working on what happened with my counselor. It doesn't sound like you are trying to bury or run away from what happened with your ex. Keep working with your counselor. My experience is you can't run away from your issues-they will come back with a vengeance- like fleas. Personally, though- I'd stay away from unhealthy people- like your "helpful" friend at the gym. Take care- you are young and have the world at your feet!
Don't you live in Boston? It sounds like a small town- how easy it is to run into him or people who know him.
Anyway- one thing that struck me in reading through your replies- you can't run away from him- move for instance. It doesn't work. My experience is that my AH had an emotional affair (maybe more) with a woman he went to law school with. It lasted a year before I finally had the evidence to confront him with. In that year I knew things were not right, tried to get him to counseling with me, tried to talk to him about it- nothing worked. When I found out I still had to endure 2 more years of his going to school with this woman- killed me. We could go into why- why did I stay with him? But the point I want to make is that after he was done with school we moved out of state- and I couldn't WAIT to get out of there- leave all of the memories behind. That didn't work. I carried them with me because we/me didn't really work through them. Now- 9 years later, I am finally working on what happened with my counselor. It doesn't sound like you are trying to bury or run away from what happened with your ex. Keep working with your counselor. My experience is you can't run away from your issues-they will come back with a vengeance- like fleas. Personally, though- I'd stay away from unhealthy people- like your "helpful" friend at the gym. Take care- you are young and have the world at your feet!
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
I totally agree. I was talking to my mom over the weekend and that's exactly what i said, i could move my location but myself is everywhere i go! I'm going to stay put for now and just deal with the reality of it.
I actually live in a very small down outside of Boston and he lives about 1/8 mile down the street from me...JOY....but I'm not going to allow him to direct my thoughts anymore (or try at least). As for the gym girl, i think her intention was for me to see what a loser he/they are because this girl dated him years ago and told me he sounded the same with me as he did with her...sad!
I'm keeping busy, we had a game last night, lost again but that's ok! Then out after for a salad. Getting stuff planned for the long weekend, cookout and the beach hopefully.
The support here is incredible. It's been almost a year and i couldn't have come close to where i am without you guys! I think that a bout of amnesia may benefit me right now! I'll get it, i may be 75 but I'll get it damn it!
I actually live in a very small down outside of Boston and he lives about 1/8 mile down the street from me...JOY....but I'm not going to allow him to direct my thoughts anymore (or try at least). As for the gym girl, i think her intention was for me to see what a loser he/they are because this girl dated him years ago and told me he sounded the same with me as he did with her...sad!
I'm keeping busy, we had a game last night, lost again but that's ok! Then out after for a salad. Getting stuff planned for the long weekend, cookout and the beach hopefully.
The support here is incredible. It's been almost a year
and i couldn't have come close to where i am without you guys! I think that a bout of amnesia may benefit me right now! I'll get it, i may be 75 but I'll get it damn it!
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