Putting my house up for Auction!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Putting my house up for Auction!
The last time I visited I was warbling about dreading getting the house repossessed and getting in further debt with loans.
Well after leaving work crying yesterday my colleague found an auction site. I had a look at properties near me that need "complete renovation" as mine does and they are making a packet! If mine goes for a similar price both me and the ex will leave with a couple of thousand. *fingers crossed* I am waiting for the woman to call me back with figures.
I do feel very teary that the end is coming though. I will cry when the house goes. Thats where I planned to be happy and have a family.
Well ex is not making this easy. His begging for another go has cranked up a notch. I'm getting messages and calls telling me he loves me to death, do I not love him anymore? why won't I give him one more chance? he's realised he's been wrong, he wants to move and start a family, he wants to give up drinking, ....
Its ripping my heart out.
Well after leaving work crying yesterday my colleague found an auction site. I had a look at properties near me that need "complete renovation" as mine does and they are making a packet! If mine goes for a similar price both me and the ex will leave with a couple of thousand. *fingers crossed* I am waiting for the woman to call me back with figures.
I do feel very teary that the end is coming though. I will cry when the house goes. Thats where I planned to be happy and have a family.
Well ex is not making this easy. His begging for another go has cranked up a notch. I'm getting messages and calls telling me he loves me to death, do I not love him anymore? why won't I give him one more chance? he's realised he's been wrong, he wants to move and start a family, he wants to give up drinking, ....
Its ripping my heart out.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
(((((sugarlily)))))
I'm new but have been lurking for a while now (I'll introduce myself in a new thread later). I just had to reply to your post. Please, please stay strong for you. I know how you feel about your heart being ripped out - what you're doing isn't easy and you're having to let go of your dreams of growing old with your A. To me, it feels like grieving a death. Be gentle with yourself and know I'm thinking about you and wishing you well.
:ghug2
I'm new but have been lurking for a while now (I'll introduce myself in a new thread later). I just had to reply to your post. Please, please stay strong for you. I know how you feel about your heart being ripped out - what you're doing isn't easy and you're having to let go of your dreams of growing old with your A. To me, it feels like grieving a death. Be gentle with yourself and know I'm thinking about you and wishing you well.
:ghug2
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Welcome bookwyrm
B]it feels like grieving a death[/B]. Be gentle with yourself and know I'm thinking about you and wishing you well.
:ghug2 Thank you very much for your words.
yes it does definitely feel like grieving. Plans that were never to be .... I did want kids running about in that house, and there were nursery's nearby, good schools etc.
But I've got to remind myself it was his behaviour that drove to this. He was sweet as pie sober and an abusive drunk. I have to remind myself of that everyday. Promises are all very well but are not nearly enough to be a foundation for my future.
Welcome again, and please do introduce yourself. x
Originally Posted by bookwyrm 
B]it feels like grieving a death[/B]. Be gentle with yourself and know I'm thinking about you and wishing you well.
:ghug2
yes it does definitely feel like grieving. Plans that were never to be .... I did want kids running about in that house, and there were nursery's nearby, good schools etc.
But I've got to remind myself it was his behaviour that drove to this. He was sweet as pie sober and an abusive drunk. I have to remind myself of that everyday. Promises are all very well but are not nearly enough to be a foundation for my future.
Welcome again, and please do introduce yourself. x
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Sugarlily, I am so glad that you have found a solution to the house problem! This will really feel like a ton has been lifted when it has gone.
As for the exabf, as I've said before, ask yourself if there have been any changes. His speaking doesn't translate into doing. I find that I need to be able to SEE the changes for myself, not just hear the promises of a change.
Keep yourself strong. Try to limit contact with him, if he starts on anything other than practical things ie the house, politly end the conversation. I feel that you are in need of protecting yourself right now. Does that make sense? i mean that until you are stronger and can detach from his quacking, you don't need the exposure!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
As for the exabf, as I've said before, ask yourself if there have been any changes. His speaking doesn't translate into doing. I find that I need to be able to SEE the changes for myself, not just hear the promises of a change.
Keep yourself strong. Try to limit contact with him, if he starts on anything other than practical things ie the house, politly end the conversation. I feel that you are in need of protecting yourself right now. Does that make sense? i mean that until you are stronger and can detach from his quacking, you don't need the exposure!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by bookwyrm
(((((sugarlily)))))
I'm new but have been lurking for a while now (I'll introduce myself in a new thread later). I just had to reply to your post. Please, please stay strong for you. I know how you feel about your heart being ripped out - what you're doing isn't easy and you're having to let go of your dreams of growing old with your A. To me, it feels like grieving a death. Be gentle with yourself and know I'm thinking about you and wishing you well.
:ghug2
I'm new but have been lurking for a while now (I'll introduce myself in a new thread later). I just had to reply to your post. Please, please stay strong for you. I know how you feel about your heart being ripped out - what you're doing isn't easy and you're having to let go of your dreams of growing old with your A. To me, it feels like grieving a death. Be gentle with yourself and know I'm thinking about you and wishing you well.
:ghug2
Lily xxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
Sugarlily, I am so glad that you have found a solution to the house problem! This will really feel like a ton has been lifted when it has gone.
As for the exabf, as I've said before, ask yourself if there have been any changes. His speaking doesn't translate into doing. I find that I need to be able to SEE the changes for myself, not just hear the promises of a change.
Keep yourself strong. Try to limit contact with him, if he starts on anything other than practical things ie the house, politly end the conversation. I feel that you are in need of protecting yourself right now. Does that make sense? i mean that until you are stronger and can detach from his quacking, you don't need the exposure!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
As for the exabf, as I've said before, ask yourself if there have been any changes. His speaking doesn't translate into doing. I find that I need to be able to SEE the changes for myself, not just hear the promises of a change.
Keep yourself strong. Try to limit contact with him, if he starts on anything other than practical things ie the house, politly end the conversation. I feel that you are in need of protecting yourself right now. Does that make sense? i mean that until you are stronger and can detach from his quacking, you don't need the exposure!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I know exactly how you feel about distancing myself. I called about the Auction at dinner just so he knew where we stood. I was making it out to be a positive thing - especially if we end up with cash out of it. I did sound a bit upset though. He asked where I was going, I said I was popping the shop.
I got back in my car after buying my dinner and he's already ringing me. "So is this it then?" so I said "Yes, what do you mean?" He then goes on to say that he wants to be with me, he wants to use the money to get a deposit on a house in a quiet village where I always dreamed of living. I was saying its too late for that - too much has happened - he's hurt me too much - he has a temper - he can't be trusted......
I was just sat in my car crying my eyes out and told him to please stop calling me, its messing my head up.
I guess I have a lot of this to come.
Thank you xx x
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We call that "quacking". It's easier when you can just replace what he's saying with "quack quack quack".
Maybe this is exactly what he needs to reach his bottom... and then he'll truly want to find recovery. It's much better to watch his ACTIONS than to listen to his quacking. Miracles happen every day, but you have to do what's right for you.
You can build a better, healthier life for yourself starting today. The house? It's just a house. Perhaps you'll find another one. Imagine your next place - your HOME - filled with love and laughter, no more drama.
Better days are ahead.
Cats
Maybe this is exactly what he needs to reach his bottom... and then he'll truly want to find recovery. It's much better to watch his ACTIONS than to listen to his quacking. Miracles happen every day, but you have to do what's right for you.
You can build a better, healthier life for yourself starting today. The house? It's just a house. Perhaps you'll find another one. Imagine your next place - your HOME - filled with love and laughter, no more drama.
Better days are ahead.
Cats
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
That was a really heartwarming message CatsPajamas, thank you.
I gotta say - I read this:
As:
I was imagining his reaction if I were to try that! 
Yeah there is an awful lot of this quacking going on, and it does hurt me. I am a soft person in general. Each moment I feel I am getting stronger something like this will happen and it brings me back down.
You are all right though - there is no ACTION on his part, just a load of talk.
xx
I gotta say - I read this:
We call that "quacking". It's easier when you can just replace what he's saying with "quack quack quack".
We call that "quacking". It's easier when you reply "quack quack quack".
Yeah there is an awful lot of this quacking going on, and it does hurt me. I am a soft person in general. Each moment I feel I am getting stronger something like this will happen and it brings me back down.
You are all right though - there is no ACTION on his part, just a load of talk.
xx
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Remember Sugarlily, you do not have to respond to his quacking. When he begins on the ''I want to do this that and the other with you...'' why do you feel you need to answer him all the while? You told him it was over and I am sure you explained all your reasons time and time again. If he isn't getting it, thats his problem, you need to move out of the same old conversation and to a better place mentally for you.
Don't quack back, just say ''thats all I wanted to talk about goodbye!'' and hang up. You are in control of the situation, don't allow him to keep reeling you in.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Don't quack back, just say ''thats all I wanted to talk about goodbye!'' and hang up. You are in control of the situation, don't allow him to keep reeling you in.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
why do you feel you need to answer him all the while?
That has been ingrained into me since I was a little girl. I've always been a people pleaser, one that didn't know when to say no. I need to learn to do this.
I guess I don't wish to come off as rude or uncaring.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by SugarLily
...I guess I don't wish to come off as rude or uncaring...
I have said this too. What I got in response to this was along the lines of, why are you so worried about what he thinks of you? He has treated you badly many times and never once stopped to consider if he was being rude or uncaring!
Take back your strength! Give your caring self to a person who genuinely deserves it....
YOU!!!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by SugarLily
..That has been ingrained into me since I was a little girl. I've always been a people pleaser, one that didn't know when to say no...
I learnt from my parents that the way to receive affection from them was to commit a selfless act FOR THEM. I soon learnt in my adult relationships that this also worked. The problem is, although it is a beautiful thing to be selfless, there are many who would use this against us and take advantage. I am learning that I should be more gaurded of this part of me, and give it to those who will not abuse it.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
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