Alcoholic/crack husband gone since payday; what do I do?
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Alcoholic/crack husband gone since payday; what do I do?
My AH relapsed after a long time (alcohol/crack). I knew it was coming. He didn't want me to go to work outside the home. He also hates his boss but wouldn't do anything about it unlike me. He was on the outs with his family because of his selfishness and he has been horrible to me and my family for a month, since I decided to go back to work. I've been working from home since we met and wanted to go back to working outside the home now that I don't have to micromanage kids anymore and I am healthier. I start my new job today and he did everything he could to sabotage it but I didn't give in.
Friday he came home, got his paycheck, said he paid my car for one more month, and basically said "Party Time" and left. He called at midnight and said he was at a bar. I said "I expected that much. Don't drive drunk." He hung up and came in at 7:30 am Saturday and took his $900.00 savings and all of his credit cards and our just paid off vehicle. Mind you he had a $769.00 paycheck and about $400.00 on top of that. So he has probably blown $2000.00 and didn't care if we had groceries. He doesn't even know I have a job yet and didn't care if we had no food since groceries are his obligation.
When he came in Sat., I said "Are you going to spend all of that" and he said "Probably, most of it." He looked sweaty. I followed him out the door and I said "Don't come home. I'm changing the locks." He said fine. He was walking down the driveway. I said "Where's the truck" and he said "Around the corner."
I changed the locks but then realized that he has keys to both my new car and my old one and I was afraid that he would see the doors locked and go take my car, which I need to start my new job. I had to change the locks back, until I can get the keys. Of course, I haven't seen him. I had to take money from my dwindling savings and buy groceries and gas. I am going about my business but I need advice here.
1. I am going to assume he will be fired unless he finds a way to call in to work from somewhere today. So I am going to change my witholding at work and get health insurance under my name today. I can't count on him and I need the insurance.
2. Should I file a missing person's report?
3. Should I report the vehicle for unauthorized use?
4. Should I call his family and tell them he didn't come home to go to work?
5. Should I call the morgue, jail, hospital when I get home today?
6. My family knows. My sister is an atty. I know I have an advisor need be.
7. What about my marriage vows, my 17 y/o daughter, our three dogs? His boss who is going to call here? Should I not answer the phone? He's a medical professional (counselor) and so am I (RN) for God's sake! How embarassing!
8. Should I pack his stuff and pay to get the locks changed on my new car? The loan is in his name but I am hoping to change that soon. I can make the next payment and thereafter, which is why I am going to call the lender and start the loan transfer process.
9. What do I do with him when he comes home? I can't even fathom dealing with him right now. I was planning on getting the car keys and kicking him out but like I said, the car is in his name. I'd have to go to the DMV and put plates back on my old POS car until I can get a loan, and it will take about 4 paystubs to get that. (I have my own income up until now, but not much, so I need to show my new job income.)
10. How do I not let this affect me at work? It is not easy going back after quite a few years away. I have been reading and preparing but I am living with uncertainity and wondering if he is dead somewhere.
Well, his cell phone goes right to vm now so I know the batt is dead. Our truck is probably being "loaned" to drug dealers. I cannot believe this. I can't believe he would throw it all away, a good job, home, marriage, degree, respect, to prove a point.
I will check this when I get home at 4pm because I will need to take action somehow. I am not going to pay his car insurance if he doesn't have a job. The biggest thing is do I answer the phone if his boss calls. What do I say?
Please help!
Gena
Friday he came home, got his paycheck, said he paid my car for one more month, and basically said "Party Time" and left. He called at midnight and said he was at a bar. I said "I expected that much. Don't drive drunk." He hung up and came in at 7:30 am Saturday and took his $900.00 savings and all of his credit cards and our just paid off vehicle. Mind you he had a $769.00 paycheck and about $400.00 on top of that. So he has probably blown $2000.00 and didn't care if we had groceries. He doesn't even know I have a job yet and didn't care if we had no food since groceries are his obligation.
When he came in Sat., I said "Are you going to spend all of that" and he said "Probably, most of it." He looked sweaty. I followed him out the door and I said "Don't come home. I'm changing the locks." He said fine. He was walking down the driveway. I said "Where's the truck" and he said "Around the corner."
I changed the locks but then realized that he has keys to both my new car and my old one and I was afraid that he would see the doors locked and go take my car, which I need to start my new job. I had to change the locks back, until I can get the keys. Of course, I haven't seen him. I had to take money from my dwindling savings and buy groceries and gas. I am going about my business but I need advice here.
1. I am going to assume he will be fired unless he finds a way to call in to work from somewhere today. So I am going to change my witholding at work and get health insurance under my name today. I can't count on him and I need the insurance.
2. Should I file a missing person's report?
3. Should I report the vehicle for unauthorized use?
4. Should I call his family and tell them he didn't come home to go to work?
5. Should I call the morgue, jail, hospital when I get home today?
6. My family knows. My sister is an atty. I know I have an advisor need be.
7. What about my marriage vows, my 17 y/o daughter, our three dogs? His boss who is going to call here? Should I not answer the phone? He's a medical professional (counselor) and so am I (RN) for God's sake! How embarassing!
8. Should I pack his stuff and pay to get the locks changed on my new car? The loan is in his name but I am hoping to change that soon. I can make the next payment and thereafter, which is why I am going to call the lender and start the loan transfer process.
9. What do I do with him when he comes home? I can't even fathom dealing with him right now. I was planning on getting the car keys and kicking him out but like I said, the car is in his name. I'd have to go to the DMV and put plates back on my old POS car until I can get a loan, and it will take about 4 paystubs to get that. (I have my own income up until now, but not much, so I need to show my new job income.)
10. How do I not let this affect me at work? It is not easy going back after quite a few years away. I have been reading and preparing but I am living with uncertainity and wondering if he is dead somewhere.
Well, his cell phone goes right to vm now so I know the batt is dead. Our truck is probably being "loaned" to drug dealers. I cannot believe this. I can't believe he would throw it all away, a good job, home, marriage, degree, respect, to prove a point.
I will check this when I get home at 4pm because I will need to take action somehow. I am not going to pay his car insurance if he doesn't have a job. The biggest thing is do I answer the phone if his boss calls. What do I say?
Please help!
Gena
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Gena,
I'm so sorry you are in this maddening situation. You have a choice, Gena. This is a pivotal point--FOR YOU. Do you EVER want to go through this panic/fear/spiraling downward again? Do you realize the state you are in right now? This is not a good place to be Gena, and it's obvious you are reeling in the out-of-controllness of it all.
The boss. Do you WANT to answer the phone? If you don't, don't. Period. Right now you are allowed to do EVERY possible thing that is best for GENA, no one else.
I would NOT connect your husband's disappearance to your getting a new job, GENA. He was going to use whether you got a job or not. Try to remember everything you've read here--addicts will use because that's what they do. It's not personal to you. He may try to blame you for it, but the truth is that is what they do. Go read the stickie on it again if you have forgotten that or if you are feeling guilt about your job. Congrats, by the way, on the job!
What are two priorities right now that you can focus on, Gena? Just two. Maybe getting your daughter up and ready for school and yourself up and ready for work. All these problems will be around to deal with later. The car, the lock-changing, the loan situation. Just try to focus on what is immediate. Your A will turn up sooner or later and then you can get the other stuff taken care of.
Be sure to take a minute and grab something to eat during all this. Your energy level must be getting low with all the fear you are experiencing. Breathe, get a focus on what you CAN realistically accomplish at this moment, and start there. You DO NOT have to continue on this spiral down with the addict. You have a choice as to whether you want to or not.
I'm so sorry you are in this maddening situation. You have a choice, Gena. This is a pivotal point--FOR YOU. Do you EVER want to go through this panic/fear/spiraling downward again? Do you realize the state you are in right now? This is not a good place to be Gena, and it's obvious you are reeling in the out-of-controllness of it all.
The boss. Do you WANT to answer the phone? If you don't, don't. Period. Right now you are allowed to do EVERY possible thing that is best for GENA, no one else.
I would NOT connect your husband's disappearance to your getting a new job, GENA. He was going to use whether you got a job or not. Try to remember everything you've read here--addicts will use because that's what they do. It's not personal to you. He may try to blame you for it, but the truth is that is what they do. Go read the stickie on it again if you have forgotten that or if you are feeling guilt about your job. Congrats, by the way, on the job!
What are two priorities right now that you can focus on, Gena? Just two. Maybe getting your daughter up and ready for school and yourself up and ready for work. All these problems will be around to deal with later. The car, the lock-changing, the loan situation. Just try to focus on what is immediate. Your A will turn up sooner or later and then you can get the other stuff taken care of.
Be sure to take a minute and grab something to eat during all this. Your energy level must be getting low with all the fear you are experiencing. Breathe, get a focus on what you CAN realistically accomplish at this moment, and start there. You DO NOT have to continue on this spiral down with the addict. You have a choice as to whether you want to or not.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Addict's Wife 
Alcoholic/crack husband gone since payday; what do I do?
Good for you for changing the locks. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Lake Forest, CA
Posts: 3
I would agree with the other's. Take care of Gena, Sounds like you've exhausted too much of your energy already taking care of HIM. Sometimes you just have to love someone enough to let them go. So often we spend so much of our own lives waiting, hoping, that somehow, someway, someday, they'll sober up, and often times they don't. So, until then, you give them to God, and move forward with your own life. Take care of you. I suggest going to some meetings yourself (Al-Anon) Find some support from others who have been through what you're going through. Most of all Pray, even when it feels like those prayers are bouncing off the ceiling, keep on praying!! God's listening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
1. I am going to assume he will be fired unless he finds a way to call in to work from somewhere today. So I am going to change my witholding at work and get health insurance under my name today. I can't count on him and I need the insurance. A wise thing to do regardless of what he does at this point. Proceed as if he isn't going to be around.
2. Should I file a missing person's report?
Personally, I would not. He's an adult and responsible for himself.
3. Should I report the vehicle for unauthorized use?
Is it in your name? If not, then I don't think you can.
4. Should I call his family and tell them he didn't come home to go to work?Only if you want to. Again he is an adult responsible for his actions. If they ask about him, then would be the time. Or if you are close perhpas that would be a good thing. But think about what your motive is for telling them.
5. Should I call the morgue, jail, hospital when I get home today?
Not to be morbid, but they will contact you if he is there, won't they?
6. My family knows. My sister is an atty. I know I have an advisor need be.
7. What about my marriage vows, my 17 y/o daughter, our three dogs? His boss who is going to call here? Should I not answer the phone? He's a medical professional (counselor) and so am I (RN) for God's sake! How embarassing!
[You have done nothing to be embarassed about! You are not responsible for his actions. Only he is. Unfortunately, he is acting like the addict he is.
8. Should I pack his stuff and pay to get the locks changed on my new car? The loan is in his name but I am hoping to change that soon. I can make the next payment and thereafter, which is why I am going to call the lender and start the loan transfer process.
None of this needs to be done immediately. You have a lot going on. Give yourself time to deal with those things you must do immediately and put the things that aren't immediate to a back burner and deal with them when you have had a chance to breathe and think a bit.
9. What do I do with him when he comes home? I can't even fathom dealing with him right now. I was planning on getting the car keys and kicking him out but like I said, the car is in his name. I'd have to go to the DMV and put plates back on my old POS car until I can get a loan, and it will take about 4 paystubs to get that. (I have my own income up until now, but not much, so I need to show my new job income.)
As to what to do is he comes back, come up with a plan and execute that plan. Be prepared to call the police if you feel anything less than safe if he shows up.
You probably need his signature to change the title to your name alone.
10. How do I not let this affect me at work? It is not easy going back after quite a few years away. I have been reading and preparing but I am living with uncertainity and wondering if he is dead somewhere.
As an RN, you have training on separating your emotion from your job. Use that training for you here.
The biggest thing is do I answer the phone if his boss calls. What do I say?[/quote]
You answer only if you want to first off. If you decide to answer, you say whatever seems appropriate. The truth works. You don't know where he is and don't know how to contact him. This is you AH problem, not yours. He is an adult responsible for his actions and choices.
2. Should I file a missing person's report?
Personally, I would not. He's an adult and responsible for himself.
3. Should I report the vehicle for unauthorized use?
Is it in your name? If not, then I don't think you can.
4. Should I call his family and tell them he didn't come home to go to work?Only if you want to. Again he is an adult responsible for his actions. If they ask about him, then would be the time. Or if you are close perhpas that would be a good thing. But think about what your motive is for telling them.
5. Should I call the morgue, jail, hospital when I get home today?
Not to be morbid, but they will contact you if he is there, won't they?
6. My family knows. My sister is an atty. I know I have an advisor need be.
7. What about my marriage vows, my 17 y/o daughter, our three dogs? His boss who is going to call here? Should I not answer the phone? He's a medical professional (counselor) and so am I (RN) for God's sake! How embarassing!
[You have done nothing to be embarassed about! You are not responsible for his actions. Only he is. Unfortunately, he is acting like the addict he is.
8. Should I pack his stuff and pay to get the locks changed on my new car? The loan is in his name but I am hoping to change that soon. I can make the next payment and thereafter, which is why I am going to call the lender and start the loan transfer process.
None of this needs to be done immediately. You have a lot going on. Give yourself time to deal with those things you must do immediately and put the things that aren't immediate to a back burner and deal with them when you have had a chance to breathe and think a bit.
9. What do I do with him when he comes home? I can't even fathom dealing with him right now. I was planning on getting the car keys and kicking him out but like I said, the car is in his name. I'd have to go to the DMV and put plates back on my old POS car until I can get a loan, and it will take about 4 paystubs to get that. (I have my own income up until now, but not much, so I need to show my new job income.)
As to what to do is he comes back, come up with a plan and execute that plan. Be prepared to call the police if you feel anything less than safe if he shows up.
You probably need his signature to change the title to your name alone.
10. How do I not let this affect me at work? It is not easy going back after quite a few years away. I have been reading and preparing but I am living with uncertainity and wondering if he is dead somewhere.
As an RN, you have training on separating your emotion from your job. Use that training for you here.
The biggest thing is do I answer the phone if his boss calls. What do I say?[/quote]
You answer only if you want to first off. If you decide to answer, you say whatever seems appropriate. The truth works. You don't know where he is and don't know how to contact him. This is you AH problem, not yours. He is an adult responsible for his actions and choices.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 110
The only thing that comes to mind when I read all of these post are the Three "C's".
You CAN'T control.
You CAN'T cure.
&
You didn't CAUSE IT.
I'll pray for you that you have the wisdom to do what you need to do for yes, GENA. In recovery we all learn take care of yourself. That doesn't lessen the pain/frustration/anger & sadness that you are feeling right now. Those are all exceptable feelings. But stay strong, and be true to yourself. This too shall pass.
You CAN'T control.
You CAN'T cure.
&
You didn't CAUSE IT.
I'll pray for you that you have the wisdom to do what you need to do for yes, GENA. In recovery we all learn take care of yourself. That doesn't lessen the pain/frustration/anger & sadness that you are feeling right now. Those are all exceptable feelings. But stay strong, and be true to yourself. This too shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
(((((((((((((((((((Gena)))))))))))))))))))))
Ohhh......Sooooooooooooo many many times did my XAH pull this number on the kids and I.....(he bailed on us a total of 8 times in the 22 yrs of marriage)
I called the hospitals, jails, family and answered the phone when his boss called and you know what ???? He would do it again when ever the mood struck his fancy. He was only doing what addicts do.....absolutely.
Just breathe......go to work, take care of the daughter and just keep breathing and doing what you need to do for YOU. The rest will all fall into place soon enough. He will be back when he's broke and homeless. Until he can't face his family anymore because he's too embarrassed. The car titles are going to be a little sticky since yours is in his name and his is in your name....hmmm you may want to talk to your sis about this one to see what options you have. I waited till my ex was passed out and then let all the air out of his tires and changed the ignition in his truck.....until he could prove to me that it was insured. But before I did that I did take out a TRO so he couldn't access the property to remove it. But hey ....that was just me....(mine had 6 dui's....I pulled out all the stops.)
Bottom line is you just go left foot right foot and the answers will come to you hun...
God Bless and Take Care of YOU and yours....
Janitw
Ohhh......Sooooooooooooo many many times did my XAH pull this number on the kids and I.....(he bailed on us a total of 8 times in the 22 yrs of marriage)
I called the hospitals, jails, family and answered the phone when his boss called and you know what ???? He would do it again when ever the mood struck his fancy. He was only doing what addicts do.....absolutely.
Just breathe......go to work, take care of the daughter and just keep breathing and doing what you need to do for YOU. The rest will all fall into place soon enough. He will be back when he's broke and homeless. Until he can't face his family anymore because he's too embarrassed. The car titles are going to be a little sticky since yours is in his name and his is in your name....hmmm you may want to talk to your sis about this one to see what options you have. I waited till my ex was passed out and then let all the air out of his tires and changed the ignition in his truck.....until he could prove to me that it was insured. But before I did that I did take out a TRO so he couldn't access the property to remove it. But hey ....that was just me....(mine had 6 dui's....I pulled out all the stops.)
Bottom line is you just go left foot right foot and the answers will come to you hun...
God Bless and Take Care of YOU and yours....
Janitw
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