aztchr

So last weekend I didn't go see my ex when he called. It was the right decision at the time, but all week I've had regrets. I feel I may have missed a second chance.

So today I called him, no answer, but decided to just go over there anyway. He wasn't home. I guess I thought my message that I was coming over would have him calling me back. He has a pull on my heart and I'm back to spinning. My message probably sounded ridiculous and desperate. I feel awful that I probably ruined another chance of reconnecting. He reached out to me after months and I said no. Then I change my mind and he's not available. I'm causing my own pain. I still want to be able to control it all.

Now I've wasted more gas and time from the day. I want to fix everything again and just have him forgive me for my insanity. When I finally let go and really thought about everything if he ever called, it definitely wasn't this picture.

Guess I just needed to admit another of my wrongs.

Spiritual Seeker

Maybe you're lucky he wasn't home. Probably not such a good idea to just pop in on
someone you haven't been involved w/ for 2 yrs.
You left a message, if he is interested in rebuilding, he'll call back.
Sounds like you're holding on a little too tight.
Breathe, stretch, breathe, wait and see.

FormerDoormat

Keep in mind that a return to insanity is a choice. So is avoiding insanity. A few weeks ago you felt you had enough recovery under your belt to invite your alcoholic back into your life. Do you still feel the same today?

aztchr

I do want him back in my life. I think I've probably messed that up now.
I'll just have to see what happens next from his side.

Barbara52

I'm confused or perhaps misremembering. Didn't you say he is still where he was when you left 2 yrs ago? Why do you want him and all that goes with that back in your life?

aztchr

Yes, he's still whre he was when I left.
I know it doesn't make sense as to why I would want any part of that again.

I question that myself. I'm forever hopeful I guess and really haven't let go. I moved, but never really let him out of my heart and head.

LaTeeDa

The answer lies less in what he will do next than in what you want for your life. Did you leave because you thought it would "straighten him out?" Or did you leave because you wanted and deserved more than he was willing to offer? The questions you should be asking are not what he wants, but what do you want?

L

aztchr

Partly yes to both. I thought his drinking and behaviors were excessive. I didn't feel we really had a relationship that I wanted. It was more so what his mom and stepfather had. He was comfortable with it, and I didn't have that modeled to me so I wanted something different. I'm still stuck on why him. There's still something that is keeping me attached even after being apart.

hbb

I've had those same feelings. Do you think it could be because it's what you know and that familiar pair of old shoes. My exabf left me and went back to his ex because of that comfort zone, not because it was the healthy/correct thing to do.

I'm just wondering....as you mentioned that you didn't feel it was the relationship that you wanted. What will be different this time around and if nothings changed on his end?

LaTeeDa

Speaking for myself, fear is what kept me stuck for a long time. I hung on to the known because I was afraid of the unknown. It's a natural human response, even when the known is crappy. And if the known never gets too crappy, most people will stay there forever. In that sense, I am grateful that my life got bad enough to motivate me to change.

Something I've learned over the past 3 years is that there is only so much space in my life. I've noticed that I almost never get anything new if I am still clinging to the old. That goes for everything in my life including romantic relationships, jobs, self-image, material things, you name it. I am a person who wants security. What that really means is I fear the unknown. It's not easy for me to let go of the things in my life that have outlived their usefulness. But, it is getting easier as I see what happens when I do. If you want better things in your life, you have to let go of what's not working FIRST. Then trust that life will bring you exactly what you need. Make the space available and watch what happens.

L