Time to confront my AH. HELP!

Old 05-20-2008, 01:24 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I am still having the "talk" with him every day about the alcohol. He still thinks that I made him quit and that he drinks because I dont keep a very good house. Blah blah quack quack quack. I can tell you that one thing that I have learned here and hear it often repeated is the whole control thing. I can't make him do anything, he makes his own choices. I remind myself of this every time we discuss it. AH has been "sober" for probably 2 weeks now since he found out I want a divorce. Again he thinks I made him quit and again I remind him that he makes choices for himself just as I make choices for myself.

My main focus right now is being my own independant person. For years I have made decisions based on what he would want me to do instead of what I wanted to do. Well no more. I informed him that nobody will be making decisions for me now except me. It will also be because its what I want or need not because someone else does. I will also be the one making the decisions for my children until I am certain that he is capable of doing so sober and with out the intent of using them as pawns. Just keep repeating to yourself what it is you want and need. The more you say it the more you start living it. Its not easy but it is possible.
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Old 05-20-2008, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by wish he'd quit View Post
I am still having the "talk" with him every day about the alcohol. He still thinks that I made him quit and that he drinks because I dont keep a very good house.
Wow. Drinking because you don't keep a very good house? And I thought my AH was reaching when he said he drinks because he doesn't get enough sex. I explained to him he'd get more sex if he wasn't passed out, snoring loud enough to wake the dead, sweating beer out of his pours.

I actually went to the gym last night but still had a little bit of guilt gnawing at me and I watched the clock the whole time I was there. I guess old habits die hard. I did a full hour of cardio and went home feeling tired but good, with a clear head, until I was greeted with disdain by my AH. He was drinking water, by the way. So I guess yesterday was his Day 1 of sobriety.

He was mad at me because he was "tired of waiting" and said he was going to fix his dinner and didn't care when or if I ate. It was 5:40!!! I didn't take the bait for the argument, showered and went back downstairs and talked to him like all was fine. After about 15 minutes his mood lightened up a little but he went up to bed at 6:45. I went upstairs around 8:30 and he was still awake. First time in months he's been awake that late.

Should I be acknowledging that he's drinking water and not beer? I started to say something about it but I never know if he's going to take it wrong way and turn it into a big argument.

Thoughts anyone?????
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Old 05-20-2008, 10:51 AM
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Would you comment to someone else on what they are drinking or not drinking? He's an adult! Adults do not need constant approval from "mommy" to do the right thing. Or shouldn't at any rate.
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Old 05-20-2008, 11:04 AM
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I would say it depends on the person whether you say something or not. It may feel good for someone to say something or it may feel like pressure.

If it were me I probably wouldn't say anything.... but that is just me My thought is...why should I be commenting on what he is drinking regardless

Hang in there you are doing great.

I wanted to add a book that is an easy read (and helped me lots) is Marriage on the Rocks. Also Getting to Al-anon was helpful. There are so many wonderful people there that have been through what you are going through...they truely understand. I never realized how much work I had to do on myself...untill I started working on myself
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Old 05-20-2008, 11:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
Would you comment to someone else on what they are drinking or not drinking? He's an adult! Adults do not need constant approval from "mommy" to do the right thing. Or shouldn't at any rate.
That's why I asked...this is new to me. If I hadn't have had that talk with my AH, he would have downed at least another 12-pack last night.

You know how they say opposites attract, sometimes I think I'm a man in a woman's body and vice versa with my husband. He can be overly sensitive and more times than not, I am less sensitive than most women. I don't coddle, cajole or baby, never have, never will.

That said, I don't know if I'm supposed to acknowledge that I see he's making an effort, albeit at my prompting and not of his own volition.
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Old 05-21-2008, 11:41 AM
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I know recovery can be a tricky one :ghug

If it were me I wouldn't bring it up at all. Maybe just enjoy the time you have with him sober....but keep doing for you

If he wants your support he will ask you for it, remember he decides how he recovers
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Old 05-22-2008, 11:55 AM
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Today will be Day 4 of sobriety for my AH. His mood has been up and down and he's continually trying to get me to argue with him. I know he's just doing it so if we have a big blow out he'll have an excuse to drink again. Needless to say, I'm not taking the bait but it's been extremely difficult to rise above it.

I know he's experiencing psychological effects of alcohol withdrawal, but should I expect to see him having physical reactions too? And, if so, when and what will they be? He's been drinking 10-12 (sometimes more) cans of beer a night for months.
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Old 05-23-2008, 12:36 PM
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hard to say?? I think everybody is different

I know my therapist helped me answer a lot of these questions
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