1000island333

I have been putting up with a toxic relationship for many years. My SO is an alcoholic and smokes pot sometimes as well.
He also has had problems with a form of crack in the past. He has OCD and has been on medication for it for ten years now.
I tend to think he uses his diagnosis of OCD too often as an excuse for his miserable record in keeping his abstinance. I wouldn't
even mind that much
if he wanted to have a drink and joint once or twice per month but it's all or nothing with him. He drinks as soon as he gets a hold of
any sums of money. The next day he sleeps all day long and I hate that too. He is useless around here.
I seriously want this loser out of my life. We have no intimancy either but that is no longer important to me.
I am feeling depressed, angry and frustrated with the impact this
behavior has on my life. I think most people think I am ******** for having put up for so long. I know that I don't care what
people think but that I need a game plan to get out of this. He also chain smokes, enough said.

I am broke but I know I can rally to still get myself out of this situation that has gone on for years. I was out of it once and was
foolish to think this moron could change after he was in a rehab for a whole year. I haven't even mention all the troubles his debauchery
has caused. The lying, stealing, not paying bills or buying food because alcohol, cigarettes and pot has to be bought instead over and
over again. The arrests he has had, the lack of general support in my life in every way. The guy lives like a guest here. He is a generaly nice
and talented fellow
but he has ruined his mind and no doubt his body from years of abuse. His family and all his friends are no longer talking to him.
He is in some out patient rehab that is only once per week
but he lies to them about his abstinance and not surprisingly it isn't working. Anyway, I am really no longer interested in fixing him but fixing
me in that I need to seperate an 11 year old relationship that has been too heartbreaking, frustrating and distracting. We even lost
a beautiful apt. that we renovated many years ago when he was on crack. Things went really crazy and you sort of go crazy yourself
if not just totally exhausted in every way.


I am 51 now. My Mother is sick with cancer though still managing but bare minimum like shopping for groceries and cooking.
We don't get along that well. Basically she does most of the talking, doesn't really acknowledge me much, puts me down often
and generally I love her but feel a hell of a lot better when I am not with her. I have been down twice to where she lives 3,000
miles away from me to help her out for various reasons. So out of two years I have been down there six or seven months in
all. I am suppose to go over there again and this time it is possible with her cancer that this could be the final time. I don't like
where she lives and I find every time I have visited her to be a tramautic and depressing situation.
On the plus side I know how to occupy myself
and keep my sanity with exercise and hobbies when there. She lives in a place in the Southwest that is about 105 f give or take, seven months of the year so
this really makes me very depressed too at times. I hate hot weather but know I have to try to just suck it up. My Mom doesn't use the central
air very much. I could maybe fix that situation by paying the electric bill though she is so thin from the cancer she doesn't feel the heat
like I do and will complain it's too cold. Not the most important problem but I really feel sick with hot weather.

I am broke and I will need to find some employment when I get down there. I have some ideas and might work on my computer. I
will ship my tower out there and look for a monitor later. I am not worried about that. I can take a McDonald job if need be. It's a small
town and the economy is not that great there but there are some jobs that could be scraped up.

My Mother will be leaving me her mobile home and a other assets when she passes away
. There is a will but she never bothered to get a living trust.
I gather that her estate will go into probate and this could be for many months. Plus I would probably have to pay the probate lawyers
6-8,000 in the end to get the inheritance. I don't know how I would pay this as I am broke.
I am the only heir. I could perhaps arrange with her a trust when I get down there. I have
been putting my life on hold in a sense for the past few years as I am going back and forth. I would really like to make a new start
in my life without toxic people in my life. Find a good job, if possible and create some income streams with all the info I have gathered
but have not put into much practice yet. I think she could put the mobile home in my name and the car and she has mentioned it.

Where I live now I don't pay much rent and it is a very charming apartment in a very convenient and charming area. Places like this
don't grow on trees. I also have two cats to complicate my going away. I don't care to put one in cargo while the other would be in
the cabin when I fly out there to my Mom's. I am broke as I said before. I don't know what to do. Leave all my stuff here and the cats
with this drunk. Or kIck him out and temporarily rent out my apt. while I am gone. I have a lot of paintings that I did too and art
supplies. I don't know wheather to just sell and toss what ever I can and put the paintings ect. into storage. Find someone that will
fly with me and the two cats so that both cats can fly in the cabin on a non stop flight. I would have to buy a return ticket for who ever
would fly with me. Plus the expense of paying for the cats and a health certifcate for each.

I have left everything in the hands of my SO and he sold all my DVDS, DVD player, VCR and two of our other cats died on his watch.
Once had asmhma and he was in jail for three days and the cat had an attack while he was gone. The other a 16 year cat, my favorite,
got scratched and developed an abcess in his belly. After wiring 2,000 to try and save him his heart stopped the morning after
the operation. I was 3,000 miles away and my Mom was in the hospital too. Two cats gone in one month.
It was one of the lowest points in my life.

I have sent my SO money to pay bills the odd time and it was just a waste of money. I will not be repeating that mistake. I feel
like such a door mat. But lets not get into how stupid I have been and what a rut I am in. I know that and don't feel too proud
that I let this go on for so long. Depressing causes a lot of inertia and early menopause really didn't help the matter.
. I am looking for solutions. I guess because I lost my big renovated apt. many years
ago I am a bit reluctant to lose this place I am in now. Maybe I should though because if I really want to end this relationship it
probably would be best to disappear. There could be a move later to another province. I am in Canada. Btw, health care
is another issue and I health issues I have to address before I can leave too. My Mom has a lot doubt about coming to Canada.
She is an American since 2003 and has lived in the States for fifty years as an immigrant with a green card. She thinks she can't
get her S.S. and also her medicare would gone as well. Not that she is using the medicare where she is now as she refused a
major operation to address her cancer. I think it would be a shock for her to leave her home of thirty years. Plus she is too
frail to go through a cross country move. I would have to find a ground floor apartment too if she could come here.

Well, I don't know what to do. My Mom talks about a reverse mortgage. She has always owned the mobile home outright
and it's worth 110,000. It is by means a trailer. Or I will have to find some telemarketing job. I use to do some minor renovating
and cleaning for my landlord until recently but I have started hormone pills. I am really tired and depressed but trying to think
positive. It goes up and down. I hate telemarketing but where I live thats all I can do to make 11+ per hour. I can't see myself
standing all day. If I work part-time it won't be enough to get me and the cats to my Mom, ship the computer tower, put paintings
in storage ect. Or I can go alone to see my Mother and once I am finacially able to kick this man to the curb once and for all.

I have thought of taken him to court to get him out of here since the lease is in my name only. Just stay put and never mind my Mom too.
Go back to school for a year to help my employment in the near future.
She has a program where she lives
and they would send someone for eight dollars for four hours work. Plus hospice care at home to if need be.
She doesn't want strangers in her home though. She also paid
3,500 recently on landscaping when she knows I am struggling to get an air-line ticket. This is so frustrating. My Mom is somwhat
of a narcisscist and I left
home when I was 14 years old believe it or not. Everything said by me is taken by my Mom as a topic leading back to her. It's almost
uncanny. My Mom has failed me many times though she has been generous with
money in the past. The money was the substitute for love. My Mom repeats the same stories all the time but I know it's an age thing
with some people. She is very lonely as she doesn't like people and has no friends. She rejects neighbors freindly ways as well.
She never wanted to take up hobbies or be bothered by people.

This is a long lamentation but I am trying to figure out what to do before I go compleately nuts too. Can anyone make any
sense out of this spaghetti? I often thought if you don't know what to do than do nothing. Maybe I should just take the free
course because times a wasting and these past years have been just so hard. I know life can be so much better than this.
I know this is complicated or is it me making it that way? I love my two cats that I have left. Don't want to be away from them.
They make me happy and calm.
Sorry this post is so longggggggggg.:sorry

Barbara52

Well, you certainly have a lot to sort through to figure just what you want to do. But as intimitdating as it looks all at once, you can break it down and make decisions step by step rather than thinking you have to figure it all out at one time.

A helpful technigue is to write down a specific problem or area you need to make a decision about. Stick to just the one thing. Write down the pluses and minuses about each option and see what that may tell you. Often one choice becomes the obvious "right" one for you.

As for being 50+, so am I. And it feels wonderful having made my choices. I am moving forward to a much happier life. You can too.

1000island333

I tried to edit my long post and make corrections but I guess it took to long. Yes, Barbara52, I agree that it helps to break it down. As I tried to edit the post I could see
there are some problems that can be ignored and some cant. I will get through with
all my medical tests and get the green light to return to the States. My Mom is on limited
time after all. She has no friends and doesn't like strangers. So I'm it.

I may be best to leave everything the way it is with my SO and let the cards fall
where they may. Maybe bring one cat into the plane cabin. Leave one cat behind.
When I am in a better position and the if the SO still is on the drunk path, sayonara,
He has quit once for two years while we've been together and eight months another
time. I am beginning to doubt that some people can ever get off of these patterns as it stands.

Barbara52

See! Progress already just from writing it out.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR. It helps to get it all out. Then it's a little easier to break it into smaller pieces. There are always answers to our problems but we don't always like the answers.

Try to separate what NEEDS to happen from what you WANT to happen. Take care of the needs. And take care of YOU.

gentle hugs

1000island333

Thanks very much Barbara52 and Kindeyes. Some good perspective gained.

Rella927

Welcome to SR! So glad that you found us! Sorry you are going through what you are but I truly believe that there is a "solution" for every "problem" things to get easier when we begin to focus on ourselves!

Please keep posting and check out some of the stickies at the top of the forum!

1000island333

Thanks so much Rella927. I am already having some wake-up calls by reading around
on the threads. It is making me look at the alcoholic SO in a new light and it ain't
a pretty one. Yeesh!