peaceteach

(((Makeachange))))

I do not think for one minute that you are a pathetic dolt, honey. I think you are a married woman who still wants to trust that her husband is telling the truth. But it does sound too far-fetched to believe. A's are very good at deflecting truth away from themselves, and you know that defensive behavior is often a sign of guilt.

As an outsider, it is BEYOND shameful that your husband would point a finger at your daughter being the culprit if he is the real guilty party-BEYOND SHAMEFUL. If you cannot see the truth for yourself, perhaps you can see it with the righteous anger of a mother outraged by this act.

I don't have a clue how that testing process works, if you can take one of his hairs from a comb to make the match, but I'd find the money for the DNA test. I would want to know for my sake AND for my daughter's.

Barbara52

I love the way you think!

Barbara52

Does it really matter? I mean that fact that the possibility is there, that makeachange thinks it could be true, doesn't that indicate enough of a problem in and of itself? Especially on top of the abuse.

bigredme

Two word: Nanny Cam! Hope it's the teenager (at least they're using protection)

peaceteach

I agree, Barb, that no, it doesn't matter given all the bad things-to you and me, as outsiders. But to someone in the throes of codependency and thick in the wanting to believe a husband, sometimes it is easier to take a necessary action for your child's sake than for yourself. It isn't right, and it doesn't help you toward recovery for yourself (initially) to take action for the kids' sake, but it is sometimes the motivation a codie wife/mother needs to finally make the break.

Confused757

Ok. I never believed that my AH would cheat on me even after I found out that he had kissed a girl a few years ago. I just thought he had a drinking problem & that's what made him stay out all night. Even though I didn't think he would cheat, something in my gut made me check the car & his clothes after most of nis night long drinking binges. I never found a thing. Well, I was so WRONG! After AH went to rehab, I had to ask if he had done anything that I didn't know about & he admitted to having sex with 4 women, liking a couple more & fooling around (oral/touching) with some more. And that's just what he REMEMBERS!
It sounds to me like you have the proof right there in front of you. I had NONE. Just his all night outings, angry phone calls to blame me for why he was out, his phone turned off & then him coming in the next morning still very drunk & saying nasty things to me.
I hope for you that it's not him & I also hope that you are ok because you said he's a "wife beater."

i4getsm

A few quick comments before I get myself some sleep...

1) It may not have been your AH. It is possible that he didn't do it. Your daughter may have. I'm extremely close to my mother, but I might not be willing to admit to a condom found in HER bedroom. JMO. I would probably be inclined to think it was AH given past history but ya never know.
2) I think this discovery should be used to spur you into discovering what you want. You don't sound happy. You sound like you feel stuck. What do you want in this life?
3) You have to do what YOU feel is right. If that means you want to try to work things out with your AH, seek counseling or whatever, that is a choice that you alone should make. If that means leaving, get a dang good attorney and a protective order.
4) Finding out more will probably only hurt you. I think you need to do some soul searching first. Then, if you need to find out more to turn you in one direction or the other, that's what you need to do. (I am in the exact same spot so I understand the need to know enough so I don't make a lifechanging decision based on a false assumption. KWIM?)

(((HUGS)))

LivingInMyHead

I can so relate to your story. Just this week I was diagnosed with not one but two STDs! I know that the source has to be my AH because I haven't been with anyone else - ever! Furthermore, I was tested for these diseases, by the same Dr. who is now diagnosing me, during my two pregnancies and the tests were negative. Therefore, my AH had to have contracted them and passed them to me sometime after the birth of our children, right? Logic and scientific evidence would say this was true; however, I find myself doubting it!! How screwed up am I? And here I thought I was making progress on my codie issues!!!
So, when I confronted my AH, do you have a guess what his response was? A blank, absent stare and a stark denial. He didn't even get upset!! He said I could have contracted them from a public toilet!!! Give me a break!
Bottom line - they will lie, lie, lie - even when you have the "smoking gun!" I too have thought that it would take seeing him in the act with someone for me to really believe it - but even then I probably would doubt my eyesight!!

splendra

I think your gut is telling you something

Pick-a-name

Have you heard "more shall be revealed"? I have found that to be true. I'm guessing that your HP will show you what you need to see. Perhaps pray for that.

BT/DT; I never thought mine would ever cheat either. They are sick and do sick things. I'm sorry; I know how it pulls the rug out from everything you thought you knew and believed.

makeachange

I'm getting stronger- whether it's because of this or in spite of this or whatever, I know I'm getting stronger. Last night was bad, he was raging and ugly. Every other time I would have been reduced to a crying, blubbering mess. Instead, I was strangely empty and cold. I was angry on the inside, but I did a good job not showing him that. To me, that's a sign of me gaining some strength. He yelled and cursed and accused me; he shook his penis at me and asked me if it looked like he'd been sleeping around (wtf?); he dared me to name who he'd supposedly been sleeping with. You name it, he tried to get me to take the bait. Finally, he told me that he thought it was one of his friends who had asked him to come over and have sex at our house one day but who he had told no. Then he told me that friend had admitted it. This morning, in the midst of all of his apologies and making up, he contradicted himself and told me that friend told him he never used condoms so it couldn't have been his. (Forget the ick factor I have that yet someone else came to our house and had sex in our bed!) I'm just sick of it all. While today has been uneventful and he is currently on good behavior, I'm not willing to continue living like this. I'm still waiting for my brother (an attorney) to call me back to let me know when his colleague can see me this coming week, and I'm going to work on gathering the documentation I need while AH is at a golf tournament all day tomorrow. At this point, I am struck by the realization that I don't believe anything that AH says at all, whether it is about the condom or not. I can only hope that my HP will reveal the truth to me and that my HP will guide me in this; I definitely need all the help and strength I can get in case I begin to waiver again.

T

i4getsm

Praying for you. (((HUGS))) Continued strength...

thelightdawns

I can sooooooooo relate to this one!

IMO someone who has no respect for you, and is abusive, would have no problem cheating. They obviously don't have the moral code that stops others (like me) from treating people that way.

I have taken so much crap from my XABF, yet to read of someone else in the same/similar situation makes me nearly blow my stack!!
is that a codie thing?

makeachange

Yesterday evening and now today have been so surreal. He has been going around as if nothing ever happened. He even keeps asking me if I'm in the mood for sex yet. ???? Is he crazy? He's on good behavior for now, on alert to my attitude and mood. He keeps asking me if everything's okay, if I still love him, if I'm still mad. He knows he screwed up again, but I think he believes that it will all blow over again, just like it has for the last 19+ years. He came home from the golf tournament "sick" and has been begging me to come take care of him, to rub his back and pat him to sleep and stuff. I just can't stomach it. He's hungover and probably worried sick about what he has said and done most recently to our family. Good, I want him to be. Maybe I sound harsh, but I feel harsh right now. Thelightdawns, I know what you meant in your post. If I read about my friend or colleague or anyone going through this crap, I would be furious, ready to ride in on my white horse to save her. Funny how we don't save ourselves when we should, huh? I'm working on that though....

T

best

You have no idea how much fear you put into him by doing that.

Your actions (or lack of) SHOUT to him... She really means it this time..YIKES!

Saying nothing can say more then all the words in the world.
Saying things softly does shout louder then a foghorn.

I know I was left speachless a time or two because of it.

Tally

Yes!

Pajarito

Good grief! This thread is amazing- how many of us have been through things like what you are going through- and the tantrum your AH threw??? Priceless. I read through it with my mouth open. Good for you for keeping your anger inside (in front of him) when you probably could have easily gone off! Silence speaks volumes- and then he starts spinning. . . not used to your strength. You sound stronger to me in just a few days of posting. What really spoke volumes to me was his response to your asking if he knew about the condom. Just the fact that he made light of it, joked to his friends about it at your expense says so much. Unacceptable!!! Believe me- I am learning myself and getting stronger every day. I put up with way too much verbal abuse from my STBXAH- and looking back I cringe! Mine had 2 emotional affairs- and with each blew up at me when I tried to talk to him about them, rolled his eyes, was impatient, blamed me. . . and one incident 9 years ago makes me wonder if there was also some physical interaction. I tried for so long to deny it- to conjure up some logical explanation. Ugh! All crap! Please do not be hard on yourself. You wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, you wanted that dream. You did your best- as I believe I did. I guess I couldn't stuff it inside any longer. We all come to that place in our own time when enough is enough. I am right with you and hope you'll continue to be strong and listen to your gut. (((Take care!)))