LostGuy

I finally filed for divorce yesterday. Even though we have been apart for six months, and she is now living in another state, it was so hard to do. It is such a tragedy. The good times were so good. And she blames me for leaving, calling it me throwing a “tantrum” . . . all she did was have a “little indiscretion” with my friend, after all!!! She doesn’t understand, or refuses to see, that it was a last straw for me. After standing by her for ten years of drinking and the verbal abuse and chaos that came with it, for her to do this (as what I now know as a dry drunk) was too much.

Really, it was a blessing in disguise. For one thing, it means I won’t have to pay her alimony, because she cheated. For another, I was too something (weak? Scared?) to leave in the past. I excused her alcoholism as a disease, and I have my own struggles with depression that she put up with as well. In fact, she blames her cheating on the fact that I was such a pill to be around. Hard to work on yourself, though, when you are always trying to hold things together and always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I don’t think I ever would have had the strength to pack up and leave in the past, but the night I found out about the betrayal, I just left, without thinking, and haven’t spent a night with her since. It was like my inner child finally stepped up and said “ENOUGH! We are not going to analyze the pros and cons of leaving any more, the rights and wrongs of it. We are just going to get the hell out.”

Still, I feel guilt for leaving, and I am scared about starting over (hell, I moved out from my college roommate and in with her, I’ve never actually lived alone before!!). It just sucks.

Just needed to get that out!

peaceteach

(((Lost Guy)))

It's such a surreal time, letting go of what you thought your life was going to be and filing for divorce from your spouse. I remember those sad/scared feelings so well, and I am sending prayers to you tonight

I too went from my mother's house/college dorm to being married. For the past 3+ years I have lived alone, for the first time in my life. It's actually been awesome, overall. I have this wonderful little home where everything is all about me, with no drunken drama and no one yelling at me or making me feel anxious. Now if I am anxious, I have only myself to blame-LOL! It will get easier, and you will get used to the idea of being "divorced". It took me this long, but then I was married for over half my life so I couldn't expect it to get easy over night. The thing about us codies is that we are very PATIENT, and we just need to be patient with ourselves during this time, very self-nuturing, and remind ourselves that we had NO CHOICE in the matter. It was up to someone else, and THEY made that choice.

I think that your HP gave you that final kick that got you to today. Infidelity seems to me to be worse than alcoholism, as far as a deal-breaker. I think you did the right thing by filing, and I hope you feel a little relief in knowing that you never have to go back to that existence again. That thought alone gives me serenity every day.

Barbara52

You have my thoughts and prayers. You will get thru this. And you have a chance to create the life you want and deserve.

i4getsm

You have my prayers as well. I'm writing up a narrative for my divorce lawyer tonight in order to get my papers filed. It sucks so badly, but like you, I've been betrayed, and there's just no going back. I lived on my own for several years before getting married. I promise you'll adjust and come to love the peace and quiet! I've got two little ones but honestly it's already so much peaceful without STBXAH here. I get on edge when he has to come over to visit the kids or when I take them to his place.

serenityqueen

Freedom1990

There is life after divorce! :ghug2

lexusgirl

Stay strong you're doing great!!

Chrysalis123

Lost Guy, I could have written your post word for word (except substitute he for she). I understand what you are going through. I love what Peaceteach said about us codies being patient. I have that nailed and since I was so good being patient for 18 years with STBXAH I need to turn that patient energy onto myself because I AM WORTH IT!!! and so are you.

wish he'd quit

I can relate to your story. While there was no infedility, he chose the alcohol over us more often than not. I too will be filing for divorce. I'm actually excited to be able to start moving on. I hope that things keep getting better for you.

cowboy12

Wow.... Im another who could have wrote that post word for word...

I thought things would have got better once she got into AA, only for her to cheat with a member of that fellowship who she is still with... but like others have said here ...[ it was a blessing in disguise]
the Sun does shine again..and as SerenityQueen said it took some getting used to being alone, but try to look at it as being alone, but being without the worries of what she's going to do next. The constant wondering/worrying is mentally exhausting,

I thought being alone would be tough too, but my doctor gave me the best advice ever...exercise ...natural endorphins counteracted any gloom I had when grieving my marriage, and it was a safe place to deal with the anger....depression runs in my family too. so I exercised...just back from the gym now...

I work my own program now , and live a life on life's terms...

this too shall pass ... as they say.

Kindeyes

Divorce is so very painful but each end is also a new beginning. It may take some time getting use to but you'll be ok. Really.

gentle hugs

lillianrivers

I feel for you, man, but I have to echo the words of Serenity. I just filed yesterday and it seemed much easier (though still saddening) than with my first ex-husband. In this marriage, I found out two years ago of at least three chicks he'd cheated on me with. One was our sister-in-law's sister, it was in our bathroom of all places (with our daughter on the other side of one wall and our two sons on the other side of the other wall), and she ended up pregnant. She was such a ***** though that still no one knows and no one will pursue a DNA test. I was the ONLY one who wanted to know if the baby was his or not.

Despite all of that, I chose to try to forgive and salvage my marriage if possible. I don't know how many times I laid there while we were having sex trying to push those images out of my head. Did he do that to her? Did he kiss her? Did he _____? On and on. What is strange to me now is that I feel more hurt by the drinking than the cheating. The cheating was just one-night-stand, sex only (no emotion) type deals. The alcohol took my husband from me like a skanky ***** that just would not go away!

I think that is the "knowing" I will survive this because not only have I been divorced once before, but that I know this is the best and quickest road to happiness. I know that while I love my AH with all my soul, I know that even if he quit drinking (yeah, right) and dropped all his friends, it would still never be the same. You can't have back what you had in the beginning, the things that made you fall in love with her. What you have to realize now though is that it was her choice. I used to demand a reason "why," but I've even given up on that. There is no answer good enough to compensate for the tears, the pain, the agony, and the looks on my kids' faces when he acted like in front of them. I love him, but he will never be okay enough for me to try it again.

freeflower

I can feel your anxiety over being alone for the first time...I went from home to marriage 28 years ago and am 2 weeks into my own place. It is very different..almost like I live in a motel or something but I do know at night, when the day is over, I sleep like a baby for some reason. I mostly have scared feelings thru out the day but...I think since I feel so peaceful at night, it could be a step in the right direction and also reading the stories on here I think can help us newly seperated people feel like we aren't alone. I will pray for you to get some serenity in your life, and peacetree, you hit the nail on the head when you talked about coed's being so patient, I sat for 2 years and said hardly anything to ah after my final boundry was crossed...2 years I could have been starting my new life but at the time I didn't understand detachment...and that is what I believe happened to me completely.
You didn't make the choice to cheat...you made the choice to move on ,so move on with some pride...
,

Pajarito

Ok- before I even read one reply to your thread I must reply- this is me talking. My AH had 2 emotional affairs- and I would not put it past him to have had more than that- there was an incident that I cannot go back to as it was too long ago. HOWEVER- indiscretions- no matter the level- were unacceptable to me- finally. My gut- for years told me I was being treated poorly- yet I stuck it out for way too long with this man. Yes- it's incredibly sad. I feel like I have a huge, dark cloud hanging over me at times. But- I am finally seeing that living in the hell of not only alcoholism but trust issues. . . no thanks. I'm done. AND- my AH also blames me- for everything. HOW can he be such an a$%??? I don't know- and I care less and less as the days go by. I know I deserve to be treated better.

I agree completely. It's a gift. Right now it's hard. But if I let my sadness overwhelm me I will never learn from this. I have to learn- I have to grow, so I can move forward in my life and make room for all of the good things around me. I was spending way too much time and energy on a man who did not take our marriage vows seriously. He was- and still is- arrogant, self-absorbed, irresponsible. . . Do I want to live with that? Again- no. He left- yet he says I kicked him out. And to make matters worse, he blames me for everything- including his indiscretions. Are you kidding me? I will take my own inventory- thank you.

Do I sound fired up? Maybe you can tell what kind of day I'm having. I guess your post hit a nerve with me- I hope you will take your opportunity to grow and learn. Move forward and be grateful. I feel for you. You deserve better!!! (((Take care!)))