lexusgirl

I have tried to cut out all contact with xabf, maybe I'm not ready, I dunno. Part of me is ready but yet I'm not. So we texted a lot the last few days and he was in town. He asked me several times if I would see him, asked me out to dinner, wanted to fly me over to the coast next weekend so we could "talk."

I turned everything down, and I am proud of myself for being so strong, as in the past I never was as strong as I am today. He basically said, "what would it take for us to be together again?" At first I said a whole lot of recovery and therapy. But I know I cannot tell him what to do or control him, thats the codie in me once again trying to fix him. I also know he wouldn't be doing it for himself but probably for me. All of it's just really unhealthy even if he was to get sober and work a program.

I could tell he wasn't drinking or maybe not as much as he was owning up to his actions and not blaming me as usual. Although I'm sure that will change soon. I'm very very angry at him and I basically told him how I felt. I told him I can never be with him again as he hurt me too much and I don't want to have to live with an alcoholic my whole life even a recovering one, as he may fall off the wagon at anytime. It would always be a roller coaster ride with him.

I guess what I'm having a problem with, is that throughout my life my Dad always abandoned me or turned cold towards me if I did something wrong. He was a rageholic, verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. My Mom allowed him to hit me and she was off in her own la la land being depressed and very emotionally unavailable. She would constantly say when my sister and I would act up, that we were both accidents and she never wanted either of us. I feared him growing up. Only when I brought home straight A's or was the star softball player did he ever show me any type of attention, and it never lasted long. He then would go away on a business trip to be with one of his younger girlfriends he had on the side. I was never important enough to him. I never got my needs met by my father and I think that every little girl really needs their Daddy. Just as boys need their Mothers.

As an adult I have hung on to men in my life because I didn't want them to leave me like my Dad did. So now that xabf is showing me that he still wants to be with me, and is showing an interest to make it right, all the feelings of what my Dad did come rushing back. It's like the little girl wants to go back into the relationship, but the woman I am today knows better and wants nothing to do with him.

How do I heal my inner child? I'm working on it a lot with my counselor, but it still is there and it hurts so much. I ended the relationship with my Father back in 2002 (I know crazy huh?) as something really bad happened to me and he refused to support me emotionally. I almost died in a car accident and his attitude was "I told you you shouldn't have gone outta town." So after I healed I wrote him a letter and we have not spoken since.

I wish I could stop wanting to be wanted by someone who is emotionally unavailable.

Thanks for reading.

peaceteach

Lexus,

My dad was very similar to yours. Some people just aren't cut out to be parents. I think it's a brain defect, actually. Or maybe a "heart" defect, in that they just don't FEEL things the way a sane, loving, mature adult normally feels, like unconditional love for a child! I was pretty much detached from my father by the time of his death and had accepted that he was a great doctor, a self-absorbed egotistical man, and was missing the dad gene. His loss, in the end. We are a great family and he never knew it when alive, but I believe he does now.

I haven't done inner child work, but from reading some of the posts on the adult children of alcoholics forum, I believe that some there have (I'm thinking of GiveLove, I think?) Maybe you could also post this over there and see if you get more specific responses from people with parent-damage issues.

warrens

Lex

Holy smoke, have you grown! Seriously. Look at your posts of a month or so ago.

However things go, I don't think you will ever approach relationships in the same way. It sounds like you are flying your own plane and are making stops in some very interesting places. I know that life is probably far from ideal, but you seem much more capable of meeting it head on. Good for you!

warren

LaTeeDa

You're already doing the work. It's not something that just all-of-a-sudden goes away. It does hurt. Realizing that it hurts is a big step because, if you are anything like me, you grew up with this pain inside, but couldn't really identify why or how it got there. So, as a consequence, I was searching for someone to make it better. And I got married to an A, and the rest is probably pretty much the same as the other spouses on this board.

If I could give you one piece of wisdom, it would be this--

Blame is the biggest issue. As an adult child, I have gone through life blaming myself for whatever bad thing happened in my life, including my parents not meeting my needs. That's how it starts. Children blame themselves because parents are like gods to us. Then, once I realized that, I blamed my parents, my husband, my boss, you name it. Either way, it comes down to denial. Refusal to accept that life is what it is. (Or was what it was, as the case may be.) When I can stop blaming myself or others then I stop denying reality, stop being a victim.

Life is sometimes harsh, sometimes not fair, sometimes downright painful. That's the way it is. But, the flip side is that it can also be beautiful, fulfilling, and quite enjoyable. It's nobody's "fault" it's just life. Isn't that great?

L

loner1968

Lexus
I have been following your posts and I have to say you are kicking A$$!!! Just keep doing what your doing cuz it seems to be working for you.

:bounce

GiveLove

"But I know I cannot tell him what to do or control him, thats the codie in me once again trying to fix him. I also know he wouldn't be doing it for himself but probably for me."

Make no mistake here, Lexus -- he's not doing this for you. He's doing this for himself. He wants to win the game of getting you back. He wants you to forget everything he ever did to you, so he can have his safe punching-bag, make-it-all-better girl back. This is speaking from experience, unfortunately.

Go back and read your own posts. See what we see -- the girl who was abandoned to clean up his mess, the verbal abuse, the irresponsibility, the blinding selfishness.

Whenever you're thinking about going back to him, think about that girl your father abused and abandoned emotionally. Separate yourself from that girl. Look at her, see her tears.

She is depending on YOU to make things right, finally. You're the only one who's going to protect her from that agony happening again. Your boyfriend sure isn't going to do it. He is just pulling your strings, trying to get the puppet to act the way he wants.

Truly, Lex, your dad isn't worth this.

I know you will be able to find happiness without this abuser, if you'll just give yourself time. Continuing to give him even an inkling of hope of a relationship just drags out the whole thing, I'm afraid, but I guess you'll stop that when you're ready. Identifying WHY you're not ready to completely stop contact is a valuable step...and it sounds like you're making it today!

SugarLily

Hi Lexus

I'm sorry you are struggling with your feelings right now. I don't know what to say except to please stay strong.

I'm sorry also about what happened with your dad, that made me sit and think for a second. My dad has worked abroad throughout my whole life so has never really been present. Maybe thats why I latched on so hard to the ex. Food for thought I guess.

From reading your posts you seem you have come such a long long way and I admire that. Is it worth the risk to try again and end up feeling just as hurt as you were all over again? perhaps even worse?

I don't know - I don't know what to say. I'm new to all this still but please think of yourself first and foremost. x

nowwhat

I'm dabbling in inner-child work. My parents are not alcoholic but I had/have an emotionally unavailable mother. In my family of origin, things were always unpredictable and ugly--full of indirect communication and wondering what was going on.

From what I've been reading/talking w/therapist about, we unconsciously connect with partners who evoke the same feelings from childhood. Miserable feelings, but familiar. Real, fulfilling love and attention doesn't feel right--so we often discard truly loving partners for those who essentially spazz us out, subconsciously.

Anyhow, try to think of that inner child as your own child and protect the child as you would your own. Easier said than done, maybe that mental image GiveLove suggested will help. I'm going to try that, too.

Good luck, you are strong and you can take care of yourself.

i4getsm

I think the problem is that we still think we are not worthy of really good love. We don't think we deserve it. Our inner child is still saying that we should take whatever we can get because even that might not be here tomorrow. KWIM? I'm right there with you on this one. My dad was around when I was a child but I never really knew he loved me. He was a very standoff-ish parent (a very good man to our family - honest, kind, etc. but just not the love and hugs king of person). I don't remember him hugging me or telling me he loved me as a child. I think all of my relationships have been an attempt to find someone/anyone who would tell me they love me like my father never did. (Mind you, my relationship with my dad has done a complete 180 and he tells me he loves me every day when we talk/visit.)

Lex: You are really doing so much better. I know it still hurts and there are still some cracks to be repaired, but at least now you recognize it. I agree with GiveLove, I'm afraid that XABF is trying to win back something he lost not because he really wants it but because he lost it. Ya know? Don't take that as a slam on you. Look at him for what he really is...a selfish BOY incapable of seeing TRUE value when it's standing right in front of him. (((HUGS)))

SailorKaren

The classic book on inner child work came out just as I was starting my abuse recovery journey. Called "Healing the Child Within" by Charles Whitfield, I see that it is still in print. As I remember it, the idea is that when we experience loss or abuse as children in dysfunctional families, we don't get the good parenting we need to make sense of what happened and to grieve it effectively. We then carry these ungrieved losses into our adulthood, where they reside deep in our psyche, hurting and crying for help. Inner child work proposes a way to access them by first visualizing them as the little girl or boy we were when we first felt the hurt. We interact with this little child, asking what hurts, giving reassurance, protecting her/him, etc. There are any number of techniques to facilitate this. This link has a little summary: Inner Child Therapy - Soothing Your Inner Child Through this process, the hurts in our brain (the inner child) experience the intervention of an effective parent in the form of US, an adult who has/is learning to be a loving, caring mom or dad. As the old losses are grieved to completion under the guidance of their new, loving parent, their power and effect in our current lives diminishes.

This may seem like a lot of mumbo jumbo. I have read theories that suggest the section of the brain where these emotions lie, receives most of its neural impulses from the cortex, or thinking part of the brain. Meaning, that it has no direct connection to our senses. As such, it cannot be aware of the passage of time. Therefore, the ungrieved losses reside in a timeless place, and for that part of the brain, they might just as well have happened only moments ago. Also, being connected to the cortex, they don't really know the difference between what actually transpired, and what we might choose to send them in the form of a visualization. When we work with this child, that part of our brain has an actual experience of care and love from a good parent. That's why this work can be so powerfully effective. I have experienced it in my own recovery, and its been like a miracle for me.

lexusgirl

Thanks for all the helpful and insightful replies!

I know I'll get through this with xabf and the pain he has caused. I'll forgive him someday but will never forget.


:ghug