queenteree

This past weekend me and AH went to his cousin's wedding. I originally didn't want to go anywhere like that w/him cause as I told him, I don't want to be a "babysitter", but it was important to his mother that we all go (and his mother is over 70 yo). So I kinda sucked it up and went. But before we went, I told AH that I am bringing cab money, that if he drank I was taking a cab home, didn't care how he got home and that I am planning on dancing and enjoying myself without worrying about him (figured since we were giving a very "generous" gift also, wanted to kinda have fun for the money instead of just sit there and pout).
Anyway, AH appeared OK on the way there. (He has liver disease so sometimes he is mentally off). Anyway, we get there, I go w/his one sister to get a drink and asked if anyone needed anything. AH said "get me a beer" I told him "if you want a beer, you'll have to get it yourself". Anyway, we're dancing, AH is dancing w/cousins, etc. and seems "off" but not the usual drunk. His other sister starts nastily telling me "you have to get him out of here, he needs to go home!!! You better take him home now" I told her I brought cab money and maybe she should direct him to a cab, but that I was there to enjoy myself and I was not "taking" him home as I was not driving (I had one drink). Her husband insisted I "take" AH home immediately before he (AH) fell on his face. Told BIL that wasn't my problem and I wasn't taking anyone home. Then my SIL accused me of getting AH a drink, that she saw me get it from the bar (I got him WATER!!!! from the bar cause the water on the table had lemon in it and it upset AH's stomach). I walked away so upset and crying that she could even think I would give AH a drink, I knew I couldn't stay and enjoy myself with these type of people, so I called my son to come pick me and AH up. Meanwhile AH is mad at me, tells his sisters, etc. that he's driving home (I had the valet ticket), they follow him, call him a cab. I go to tell him that son is coming to get us, his sister (same one was above) yells at me saying "BACK OFF!!! F***IN BACK OFF!!!" I lost it. I said to her "whoa! you're telling me to back off when I'm here telling my AH that our son is coming to get us??? You're telling me to back off from MY HUSBAND??? The brother you and your husband wanted me to get rid of because he was an embarassment???!!!!" Then I called her an f***in alcoholic like her brother, (which she drinks ALOT) and walked away and told her that her mother should know what she's about. She ran to her husband who started with me, I called them both A's, thru all this, AH got in a cab, went home, and my son picked me up.
I am so upset that I let this person get to me, that I lost it and lowered myself to her level. I am also upset that how dare she (and others at times) dictate to me what I must do "with the alcoholic" (like "take him home", etc.) I told AH I am "done" with his family, won't go there and won't have them over on holidays, etc. and if he doesn't like it, it's too bad. Also if he brings them to the house, I will not make them feel welcome and will leave till they leave. How should I have handled the above scenario? And most importantly, I am still stewing over his sister (like hatred, which is a strong emotion) and I want to get over it, let it go, and move on to more positive things. Any ideas?

miss communicat

yes. but you might not like my idea.

until you lose interest in drama, this stuff will continue to hold your attention.

I'd ask you to examine why its so important that others hear from you that they are alcoholic?

what do you get out of being the one who is able to tell everyone else how wrong they are, how alcoholic they are, and that others see how right you are?

I mean, why are you doing this to yourself?

loner1968

Yuck I,m sorry you had that experience. It's probably not going to get any better. I've been the one who had to "babysit" drunks all my life. No More though. I think you did the right thing by not giving in to their demands. I myself have a tendency to fly off the handle too but i am learning to think about how when you fight with drunks you might as well be fighting with a brick wall...a brick wall that is always right and YOU are the one with the problem. I hate to sound like a downer but I think you probably know that YOU are going to be the bad "guy" in all this. IT"S NOT TRUE!!!! You stood up for yourself and ya know what? They couldn't handle it. Too bad...You do what you think is right and no matter what happens you will get through this. trust me I never thought i would get through my crap but coming here has helped. I hope you feel better and try to remember that it was all about the drama. Nothing they say is true and If you stay strong they won't like it but you will be better off.

Bernadette

" I originally didn't want to go anywhere like that w/him cause as I told him, I don't want to be a "babysitter"

Queen- you shoulda stuck with your original feeling on this one. Social events involving alcohol with alcoholics are a BIG no can do on my list.

You could plan a special day with your 70 yr old MIL and just tell her the truth that you'd be more comfortable socializing with her without all that alcohol around. And take her to brunch!

Your anger got the best of you in that situation - but you already had a premonition that this night could get out of control. All you can really do now is let the dust settle a little and then own your own bad behavior in all this...you're the only person who you can change!!

Peace-
B.

queenteree

Miss C - I didn't want drama - I didn't even want to go!!! I did it for his aging mother, she wanted the whole family there for pics and everything. I figured AH was gonna do something, but I figured I'd ignore it and handle it w/class and let the chips fall where they may with "him".
I don't like calling someone an alcoholic, I don't feel I am anyone to judge anyone, and I also feel that just cause someone has an addiction does not make them a bad person, just a person w/a disease. I said it out of anger, after she personally attacked me, accused me of getting him a drink (which was water, so what did she think? I'd get him a big glass of vodka?!) That set me off, upset me and made me cry cause I was trying to handle everything right. Then when I got us (me and AH) a ride home (since it wouldn't be pleasant for me to stay obviously) and removing us (me and AH) from the situation, as the sister demanded, I got screamed at to "back off" like I'm a peice of crap. That's why I said it. And you know what, maybe if she wasn't so drunk, she wouldn't have handled it that way. And this person is a mother who drinks at her kids little league games, so yeah, in a way, I would consider her an alcoholic! Am I not entitled to my opinion? I would never have said it if push didn't come to shove. But then again, who are "they" to tell me how to handle "my" affairs, what to do with "my" husband and what makes them so right. That's what pi**ed me off. Now I'm here, and the blame is all on me again. Oh well.

miss communicat

its not about blame, its about recovery and growth.

keep at it, don't quit. growth and recovery happen when we learn from mistakes and don't repeat them, we don't need to excuse, explain nor defend ourselves when we are growing from our experiences.

just my own e,s, & h

Bernadette

"Now I'm here, and the blame is all on me again. Oh well."

Hold on Queen -
We don't get to play this record at this party!! It's not all your fault!! It's not Oh well, poor, poor me I f***ed up again.

Just take a deep breath, cuz you're still hot about how it all shook down. Assigning blame is a smug and ultimately deadening activity.

You want to just take responsibility (not blame) for what happened to YOU that YOU could have done differently. All those crazy in-laws drunk or not - you cannot control them or assume to know why they do what they do.

But you can take a breath - put down the magnifying glass, and look in the mirror and ask honestly "why do I do what I do?" If you want things to CHANGE then this is a good place to start. Focus on you. Own up to you.

The big red flag I see is: you had a gut feeling that you didn't want to go and yet you succumbed to pressure from 70 yr old MIL. You felt pressured - but even then, and especially then actually - you had a choice to say "No Mom let's do something on our own, quietly, I can't handle a big party with the alcohol flowing."

Pressures and stresses never go away - it's how we choose to handle them.

Please don't beat yourself up - in fact, don't beat anybody up - and don't waste time with Monday morning quarterbacking. The past is done. Allow yourself to learn a good lesson from this one - when the gut says straightaway I don't wanna go - LISTEN!!

Be gentle with yourself - but make sure you are taking responsibility for your own choices and behaviors.
Peace,
B.

queenteree

Thanks all of you for your insightful posts. But just so all of you know, I totally own my behavior on this one, behavior I am not happy about or proud of. I don't like to be like that, yet I know dealing with "his" family, something else is gonna arise eventually. That is why I said I am done w/them, don't want to be around them, etc. That is the only way I can see handling this one, is to just remove them from my life, not AH's life, just my life.
I was just wondering how others would have handled a similar situation, and what words of wisdom do you have for helping me "let it go". Just in case the situation should ever arise again, I'd be better prepared. I guess I would hope you would all share your esh with me. Thanks.

Kindeyes

Queen
I'm sorry that you had this trying experience. By keeping the focus on yourself in these situations you can make sure that you stay true to you. Unfortunately you went (even though you knew it was going to be a tough situation) for your MIL.......not for yourself. I agree with you regarding avoidance at all costs regarding those who drink and attack you. Protect yourself from them and avoid them. By doing so you will at least avoid being in the middle of the drama but don't be surprised if this bugs the living crap out of them and they try alternate means of attack. Take cover and shield yourself from their cruel words and accusations. Staying calm under pressure is difficult but it feels really good.

gentle hugs

Bernadette

Well if I really found myself going toe to toe with drunk people I would just say, politely, "Excuse me for a minute," and I would head to the nearest EXIT and adios amigos!! Eat my dust.

I just don't engage with people who have been drinking too much. It's like, one of the first things I learned in AlAnon. Don't waste your breath when they've been drinking. Don't try to have any kind of rational or serious, or angry, or joyful conversation with them when they've been drinking. Period.

So since your SIL is an alcoholic too (I believe you) I just WOULD NOT engage. At all. It's pointless. :-) AND it's a super easy rule to remember and follow!
B.

Barbara52

Me, I would have walked away and left at the first sign of a potential scene. But that's me. You wanted to stay and have fun. A perfectly understandable thing to want. Just try out different reactions/actions you could have done and use that next time. All you can do is try to do better next time.

peaceteach

I'm always appalled at how others refuse to step in when an A is out of control and yet expect the spouse or children to handle the situation. Why invite the A to a shindig if you know he's going to ruin it?

Since my divorce, my grown children (21 and 24) have attended family functions on the other side without me running interference. The last time (a year ago Christmas) they showed up to their aunt's house where their dad was falling down drunk already, and they turned and walked out. The uncle, also drinking, came out the door and told them they needed to "get their dad out of there" and my kids were just shocked that their own uncle would try to put this on THEM. They called me, crying, and I said "Walk away. It's not YOUR problem."

That's what I hope you do the next time, Queen, if there IS a next time. Let your husband take the heat for HIS actions. You weren't the drunk ruining the party-he was. Yes, you stayed too long and said too much, but that is how we learn to not make the same mistake again.

I would bet that you are the only one right now worrying about this still. The drunks probably don't even remember what happened. Why don't you let this out of your system now, give yourself a little TLC, and call it a lesson learned.

PrettyViolets

I agree that you are not responsible for behavior of your husband . You had a plan for how you were going to react if it did not work out. I would include the inlaws on that plan and make sure they are on the same page BEFORE the wedding. It seemed like everyone was trying to put together a plan at the wedding and then your plan was being altered.

At the wedding, you could have said, "I understand that your family's honor is at sake at the cousin's wedding due to my husband's behavior. (you are acknowledging that their family is important). However, I am not going to clean up his mess (you are setting a boundary with him and his sister). I came here at the request of your mother, and I would like to enjoy myself. Let us be focused on the happiness of the bride and groom (take it off of the family drama). If however, you want to do something for your brother, this is your choice. (you are allowing them to fix the situation, you are not going to fix it).

DO NOT REACT TO THE ALCOHOLIC or anyone else that tells you what to do. It is useless. It just gives them a reason to say that you are a reactive, and then you feel guilt, and then you really want to set huge boundaries, and then you are the bad guy again (by this point, everyone has forgotten that your husband was the alcoholic with the problem.)

As far as getting over the anger, I would pray to God. I would pray for forgiveness if I overreacted to a situation. I would pray that I can lose the anger towards a particular person. That person is a child of God. They were not perfect. And I was not perfect too. And I remember that I cannot let the devil win in this. I have to be so focused on humility.

It is important to be focused on a higher power greater than myself--that is what praying is all about to me--it gives me a chance to give everything to God--he sees it anyway--I cannot hide it--God knows the truth about the alcoholism-and there is a peace that I really get when I let God handle that in my life.

prodigal

I've read your posts since you joined SR back in 9/06. At this point, my response to your question, "how do I let go" is to leave. For good. He is going to continue to drink until he drinks himself to death; at least it certainly appears that way. Leave him to pursue his desire.

LaTeeDa

On the one hand you say "he is not my problem" "let the chips fall where they may." On the other hand you get indignant about being told "what to do about your husband and your affairs. Either you own the problem (which you seem to want to if it illicits some sympathy) or you don't (which truly you do not). But claiming you are wanting to avoid drama at all costs doesn't ring true with the situation and actions you describe.

It's kind of like the person who says all I want is peace when their lives are chaos. I don't believe them because if all you really, truly want is peace, you have the power to get it. Your life is a reflection of whatever energy you put out there.

L

PHIZ007

Lots of good insight above from everyone. I just want to comment on the letting go of he family and here is my own experience.

I just wanted to say that I "parked" my husbands family last November...after yet another disastrous holiday!! which bought chaos on a daily basis.

I last spoke to my MIL Christmas Day. They are not alcohilics yet have alot of drama created by themselves which I used to get myself involved in time and time again.

I decided after the holiday that I no longer wanted to be part of this constant chaos and ridiculousness so I "parked" them..... I am not angry or cross, I am not sad....I do not miss my MIL...occasionally I do feel sorry for her (then reality comes back and I see how far I have come!!!) sorry that she creates all this chaos around her and then shouts Why Me??? I am so lonely and I don't know why? I must be being punished for something.....and so it goes on.....but no longer in my ears!!! She has no inkling atall that she is causing it....any of it.....she ALWAYS has someone else to blame....

I feel very happy and content that I am no longer involved in any of the crap and chaos that the family loves to be a part of. I am happy, My husband is happy and most importantly of all my 3 beautiful little ones are happy (too little to understand all the drama that was! thank goodness for that) My family deserve the best and that was not happening before now

I wish you well on your journey. I don't miss the chaos or the drama one bit! All The best PHIZ :0)

lilkim

It's hard to know how to handle those sititutions. They suck. And the drunks most likely won't remember. It's a no win deal. You got stuck in a crappy deal and lost your temper a little. So, what? Your human. When your calm,sit and make a plan to avoid this. It's better for your health.

amandasue

i know exactly what your talking about! My AH's family is JUST LIKE THAT!!!!

Its like half of the time they are clucking their tongues at his drinking and feeling pity towards me and then the other half of the time its supposed to be my fault that hes a drunk or i'm the big ass hole.

Excuse me! But the reason he's an alcoholic is because of YOUR screwed up family genes!!! Both parents were drunks.

I'v tried all the things that i'm sure everyone here has already tried to help my AH. I'v been a codie, i'v tried tough love, ultimatums, and finally detaching.

either way it seems really convenient for his family to place blame onto me. When i truly believe that if it hadn't been for my earnest endeavers his drinking would have been much worse much earlier.

AWEDA

AH's family always brings out the worst in me.
I have chosen to no longer speak with them.
No, I do not miss any of them one bit.

splendra

I guess most people here know that I have a family full of addicts and my H is one too. I don't really like holiday and family get togethers much and for a while I did not go to these gatherings.

Realizing that my mom is getting older and really wants us all together at these times I decided to bite the bullet and start going. There will always be great potiental to start up some drama or stir the pot of some already brewing. I bite my tongue when it comes to letting out harsh words even when they are directed at me, I get to the gathering as close to dinner time as possible, I help clean up, I kiss my mom and thank her and, leave before the action starts. This has worked for me and I am going to stick with it until it does not work anymore...