spectator

I am pretty sure my wife is an alchoholic. She is not seeking help, in fact, just yesterday I metioned to her that I would support her if she never drank again. She denies getting too drunk and always lies about what actually happens. I am hoping that something will trigger her to get the treatment she needs and stop drinking. It is hard for me to be in social situations with her b/c of how quickly she gets drunk and the person she turns into. I don't think she is awayre, though, of what happens at social events when she drinks. She doesn't drink everyday, but when she does drink she gets wasted. 99% of the time she just drinks beer b/c she tells me that hard liquor gets her too drunk. This is a really hard thing for me to deal with - I am not sure if I should tell other close family members or not? I don't want to throw my wife "under the bus" and have everyone look at her differently. But, it would be nice if other family members and close friend would not encourage her to drink so much.

Also, b/c of a close family member that is an alchoholic my wife has seen what can happend first hand. However, I think she is denying that it is exactly what is happening to her and our relationship. The trickle down affect of one of her really drunk incidents is hard to forget. So the next day/week it really affects our everday lives, conversations, trust, sex and just about everything.

geees poncho

Welcome, Spectator.
I'm sure you'll find some help here
more people will be along shortly.
with some very good advice

Good Luck And God bless.

Mair

Welcome Spectator, firstly i would suggest that you read all you can about alcoholism "under the influence" was a turning point for me. I remember doubting whether my xab was an alcoholic or not, then somone here told me if it's causing you problems then there is a good chance that he is.

First thing you will learn is that the alcoholic will be in denial, and that the hardest lesson for us to learn is that they will only stop when they are good and ready, unfortunately some never do.

It is a progressive disease and you will need to be prepared, you will need to look after yourself, i know it sounds selfish but believe me it will be your sheild of armour.

Read the stickies here and other posts it will help you so much. We are all here to support you. Take it easy

Mair xx

Gman813

Sounds exactly like my last 4 years, my wife and often talked her problem and how it was getting worse. Sometimes se even agreed with me. But no matter what, how or when I said anything, it didn't make a difference. She had to decide she was ready.

Start learning everything you can, even if she doesn't admit it you need to know. You will be amazed at how "textbook" some of the things you see are. And as others have and will say, look into Al-anon it's for you even if she never gets help. The first one is hard, but they get easier (so they tell me), My AW has been sober 125 days now, I didn't even hear about it until she was in rehab, and everything was crazy, but it has helped allot.

Be prepared, it's a tough road, but it does get better. But, it is worth it. After many years, I've begun to once again see the person I married.



____________________________

May your strength give us strength
May your faith give us faith
May your hope give us hope
May your love give us love

"Into The Fire"
by Bruce Springsteen

LostGuy

Welcome to SR. I am going through a divorce with my alcoholic wife, and have found this place very comforting in realizing that I am not alone. I don't have any good advice for you, quite frankly I feel like a mess myself these days. What I will say is that throughout my marriage I let myself become isolated from my friends because I was afraid to go to social situations because of her drinking, and I let myself become distanced from family because I was always telling them lies to cover up for her drinking. In the end, ten years later, she was still drinking and I had only hurt myself. Take care of yourself, and know that all the begging, screaming, "helping", joining in, etc. on your part won't get her to seek help before she is ready.

Good luck on the road ahead of you. You are among friends here.

peaceteach

It's important to know that, by now, your wife is not the only one with a problem resulting from her addiction to alcohol. The effects on the loved ones of A's are absolutely devastating and can cause YOU great turmoil and harm. That's why everyone here is urging YOU to read up on it, to help yourself from the repercussions of dealing with an alcoholic in the family. I know I spent years thinking that only my ex-alcoholic husband had the problem, and that if only he would quit things would be great. By that time, the damage TO ME had been done, and I had become Codependent, a very serious issue. I highly recommend reading the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was extremely eye-opening to actually see myself in almost every page, and to step back and take a look at how I had been a part in the process as well. I was a huge ENABLER without even knowing what that term was. You can read a ton of literature on the alcoholic, but honestly, the best thing as the spouse that you can do is take your focus off your wife's issues and put it where it can really make a difference--on yourself. Read up, and welcome to SR. I have learned incredible knowledge here and found that everyone is helpful, supportive, and SMART

spectator

Thanks for all the advise. I read "under the influence" and most of the Sticky posts and took all the Al Non quizes at which I scored very high on. I plan on reading all the literature I can get my hands on. All of that information really helps to try and understand what is actually happening physically to my wife and as a result I am probably having psych issues. I am 99% certain that she is an alcoholic, it is just that 1% that I still feel guilty about.... I will support her decisions and let her create that path to recovery herself. It is just going to be hard to "bite the bullet" when she does drink and it affects our relationship. It pushes us apart and it is very difficult to be supportive.

My wife doesn't drink every day, every week and certainly doesn't hide beers. She is open and honest about when we drink and how much we are drinking (when it is just the two of us). But the real issue is in social situations (work or family) when she starts drinking and gets that grin on her face with her eyes squinted and then completely loses sight of of the situation. She holds a great job and functions just fine on a daily basis... we both have an appreciation of us going out seperately with our boys or girls nights - I think it is healthy to do that every once in a while. But, I am always worried about her drinking... being a "yes" person and having others take advantage of her (not physically). She is a very generous and loving person too, which is wonderful, but when she drinks she seems to become a litte too nice and either pick up the tab, buys everyone drinks, start random convos with strangers, etc...

Also, any insight on how ADD interacts with alcoholism and whether or not it makes things worse? I feel that her friendly conversational impulsiveness coupled with alcohol seems to be even worse (in my situation as compared to some of the other posts).


Thanks for the support, I am glade I posted here!

spectator

My three year wedding anniversary is coming up and this is EXACTLY what I am going through. I thought it was a little depression from "getting married" and not hanging out with my friends as much, but I know see that it is mainly because of me being ashamed.

peaceteach

I realize that at first we try to "protect" our loved ones by covering for them, but because I have educated myself on this disease I now know that it is way more LOVING to let them fall, to not protect or cover up in any way, and to TALK about it with other family members rather than hide in shame.

Mair

I hid my alcoholic for years, pretty stressful i can tell you. Peaceteach is spot on, let her fall let her make a fool of herself, it's hard to do but it's the kindest thing you can do for her. And remember you have nothing to be ashamed of this is not your doing.

Mair

wraybear

Spectator, many of us on this sight know exactly how you are feeling. And, as one poster said, alcoholism affects the entire family, not just the drinker. For that reason, I highly suggest you seek support for yourself, and don't be afraid to be honest with her. Tell her the drinking is causing a problem for you and you are going to AlaNon or counseling to get help.

Also, I suggest you keep this phrase top-of-mind that someone here suggested to me when I first started, "I will stop accepting the unacceptable."

My AH was like yours for many years. Drinking socially, then drinking every wknd, then drinking every evening, then drinking in the afternoons, then drinking in the mornings and all day. This took 25 years for him to get to stage four alcoholism, but eventually he did, and almost died three different times. Addiction kills. Denial (the spouse as well as the addict) is a huge part of this disease. We know that kind, caring, funny, charming person is there, but we see less and less of them as the disease progresses.

I wish you well as you seek help.

i4getsm

I am in the exact same situation with my STBXAH. He's a binge drinker, aka alcoholic. Doesn't drink all the time but watch out when he has that first beer/liquor. He doesn't stop until he passes out. I used to be just like your wife myself but once I had kids and the consequences of drinking (hangovers and having to get up so early) became something that I didn't want to deal with, I cut back to maybe a drink or two every blue moon. Your wife will either start seeing the consequences (once you stop covering for her) or she'll continue on. You can only help YOU. I know this sounds really cold, but it really isn't. There's a time and a place in everyone's life to be the silly drunk who gets wasted and is the "life of the party"...BUT, the party has to end sometime and no one should be that person every time they drink, kwim?

Just cursious, but how old is your wife? My AH is 36, and like our marriage counselor used to say, no one should still be getting drunk and having blackouts at that age. There's a time and a place...and sometimes it's time to grow up. Not to stop having fun but to realize that there are LOT of fun things to do besides getting wasted all the time. (((HUGS))) It's an incredibly difficult ride with a binge drinker...it's hard for them to see themselves as A's because most folks envision an A as someone who drinks ALL the time. The phrase "but I don't drink every day" will soon become a favorite excuse...