KBear_73

Hey all I still consider myself a newbie even though I've posted a few times (albeit not for a while) ... anyways I've always had this question on my mind and I hope it doesn't offend anyone as it really is just a sincere "question" i.e. something I don't know the answer to!!!!!!

I have noted that when you first enter the soberrecovery.com website the very first thing you read is the statement "People do recover, every single day."

Yet I also get the feeling (and please, pleeeeeeeeeease forgive me if I'm wrong!!) that the main feeling from the loved ones of A's (especially for wives, g/f's - maybe not so much blood relatives) to other wives/gf's of A's is "run, run for your lives!! They will not recover, they will just keep on lying, it is a disease and it will only get worse!!!"

So the question I really want to know is ... how worth it is it to stay with an A??? Is that statement "People do recover, every single day." just to try and convince A's that they actually have a chance, even if they don't. Or do they?

Hope this post/question makes sense!!

Thanks

Mair

Good question. I think that people can recover from alcoholism and codependancy, i think the welcome note on sr is for both. For the alcoholic i think it means that people do recover from alcoholism and it is possible if YOU really want to stop drinking.

For the wives husbands and girlfriends i read it as you can recover from codependancy, you can have a life and be happy without being totally consumed by the alcholic in your life.

Some leave their alcoholics to recover and some stay with them, but most will always have to practice some sort of detachment and will always have bounderies in place.

So i guess, after all that blabbering i think it means recovery for us all.

Mair x

Pick-a-name

I think what it boils down to is that here is the information and each person will decide what to do with it. It is a process that is set into motion and why "one day at a time" is so stressed.

My "job" was to shift my attention back to my own life instead of trying to spoonfeed my AH a recovery he neither wanted not thought he needed. Learning about alcoholism and my part in the "dance" allows me to start making more informed decisions and at my own pace.

I still don't know "how long you wait"/"when" you give up on them being in your life........but I do know that like many things in life,you will know when you know. I just have to keep my kids and self as my priority. I remembered it about our kids,but for a time,I "forgot" about keeping myself a priority,too.

geees poncho

YES people DO recover every day.
A DAY AT A TIME...
the essance of a day at a time, is that it takes TIME
In this day of instant everything, we lose sight of,
it takes time. and spouses / freinds of RECOVERING people
have most of the time lost patience,
or have completely foregotten their VOWS
(in sickness and in health)
or are simply not in love any more.

My personal OPINION is that it is far to easy to divorce.

Shivaya

KBear,

I have been married to an alcholic for 14 years. I have been an enabler and co-dependant for our entire relationship.

I came to SR to get help for myself, b/c I no longer wanted to continue doing what I'd always done....I was not happy, I had given up on trying to get my husband to stop drinking, and I knew I needed help!

So here I am, 3 months after joining SR...I am happy. I am content. My husband continues to drink, and tells me he has no interest in quitting drinking forever.

I now know that I did not cause his drinking...I cannot control his drinking...and I cannot cure his drinking.

I have set boundaries in my relationship.

I no longer accept unacceptable behavior.

Things are changing in my marriage. We are definitely very deep in stormy waters....b/c I have quit enabling, and I'm still working on my codependancy. My husband does not like it. He's used to me keeping quiet, letting him drink himself to near death, and cleaning up his messes.

That's not happening any longer.

I receive strength from SR, seeing a therapist and reading literature on this disease and the part that I play in it.

Recovery is available to anyone...a codependant, an enabler, an alcoholic.

I sought recovery for myself. I wanted it. I'm in it. It's my choice. It feels great! It's working for me b/c I'm working it!


Shivaya

i4getsm

I asked the same question (in a different way) not too long ago. I had hope a few weeks ago that my STBXAH and I could work things out. That he could get the help he needed and the same for me. I set some boundaries up in hopes of beginning my recovery and AH trampled all over them. He started drinking again, drunk driving again, and doing things disrespectful to our marriage. I don't think we would have gone for divorce if I had found this site sooner. I've been a codependent enabler for at least the past 2.5 years. I had no idea that *I* was part of the problem. I was not accepting my own responsibility...only looking at AH's problems. I truly wish that we could work things out, but I don't see it happening. And separating from him right now is the only way I could protect myself and my kids. I can no longer accept the unacceptable. I am better than that. Do I pray every day that I'm making the right choice? Yes. Do I second guess myself every day? Yes. Do I pray every day that AH finds recovery? Yes.

All those prayers and RIGHT NOW, being separated from him is the ONLY way for me to have some peace. I don't think you have to get divorced but it really all depends on each individual's situation and what you are willing to accept as "acceptable", kwim?

I don't agree that divorce is the easy way out. Life gets much more complicated in some ways but is far easier than being around an active A who wants the drink more than they want a relationship with you and their family. So is that acceptable? For me that answer is NO.

FormerDoormat

I DID recover from co-dependency. My alcoholic boyfriend did not; he succumbed to his drinking. On the Friends and Family forum, the majority of the recovery I've seen applies to co-dependent partners. Rarely have I seen evidence of real, long-term recovery on the part of alcoholics, though I know occassionally it happens.

FormerDoormat

I believe that marriage is entered into much too readily. Imagine how many times people accept a first-time offer on a life-time contract? Imagine how many people think that marriage will complete them? Imagine how many people think that if they're not married, something is wrong with them.

I am complete. I don't need a better half or a lifetime partner to consider my life a success.

cmc

Thanks for all the great posts.
I can easily name up to twenty five alcoholic/drug addicted people I know of who have found recovery ...most over 20 years and some over 40 years. Most all of those attend AA and/or NA. I can also name quite a few codependent people that I know who refuse to seek help. Some will and some won't make it out of the madness; it's all about awareness and willingness to change.

CarolD

Hmm...
I know when it's a spouse or blood relative
decisions are more complicated.
I've been there with 2 of my children.

However...
I do wonder why the SO's of alcoholics
continue to hang on.
Love does not win over addiction.
The only time I put up with toxic men
was when I too was toxic....:burns


Yes...I am a recovered alcoholic.
I drank alcoholically for 5 years
when I was AA sober for 10
I began thinking of myself as recovered.

Probably not what anyone wanted to hear
....but it's my observation and experience.

prodigal

The point here is WAITING. I will not put my life on hold for someone else. I did that for too long and that is not to say that I don't hope the day will come when my AH will get sober.

But while I was focused on waiting for him to see the light, I lost sight of myself. I know plenty of A's with years of recovery. I also know just as many A's who think every thing is peachy-keen and they just enjoy drinking and "partying."

Is it worth it to stay with an active A? IMO, no way! Why? Because it's not a deep, caring relationship in which two people can stand emotionally naked in front of one another. A's don't deal with reality - in themselves, in others, or with life in general.

For me, personally, it is no way to live.

laurie6781

Yes, people do recover, I AM LIVING PROOF OF THAT!!!!

However, the recovery road is long and HARD, many times as hard for the spouse or SO as it is for the A.

As Prodigal said, how long do YOU want to wait. Recovery from the affliction, disease, whatever you want to call it from alcohol and/or drugs is a very very long road that require an intensity on the part of the alkie/addict that the SO is not able to wait through or wade through for that matter.

I am very grateful that I was single when I finally found recovery and had no SO or H that had to put up with me and the muck that I had to trudge through to straighten out my life and figure me out. And to be absolutely open and honest here it was a good 3 to 3 1/2 years of work, meetings, time with sponsor, AA functions like conventions and roundups, service positions in AA etc.

So yes many do recover with lots and lots of hard work.

Now to the codie side. Yep, that road in some respect can be even longer, rofl. Yes, I got married and `1 1/2 yrs sober, not a good idea at all, even though it sure seemed like it then, lol By 3 years sober I was also advised STRONGLY to get to Alanon, so I gave up a couple of AA meetings and went to Alanon. Yep he was sober, however, it was already feeling like we were yoked together backwards so each of us was going in the opposite direction, and it turned out we were.

So, you are probably asking yourself, well if you've recovered then why I you still here? Very simple, part of my recovery is based on sharing my own ES&H and what better way to do it than here on SR? lol And sometimes, I too need a little 'tweeking' so to speak to get me back on track when something has thrown me for a loop.

The only time I will tell someone to RUN the other way is when they have shared what is going on, what they have been through and that the SO or Spouse is showing no signs of even thinking there is anything wrong. About then, it's time to CUT YOUR LOSSES AND RUN. That is J M H O.

Only you can decide when "Enough is enough." Until that time it is worth it.

Again, J M H O

Love and hugs,

SugarLily

I usually go straight to the forum page, but yeah I saw that entry page a few days ago and I've got to say my eyes stayed on that line "People do recover, every single day." for quite a long time. I thought "Am I giving up on him?"

But I don't think I can continue living my live this way. When the ex had me - he didn't really want me. Now I've gone - he's begging me back.

But all in all - far too much has happened in our relationship, trust has been broken and the hurt I have felt is far too deep for the relationship to repair.

Maybe he will be another one that recovers - I hope so. I just can't go on.

Rella927

Laurie... Yes you are and an amazing woman at that!

Carol Love that Carol! So true!

I thought in the past that my love would conquer my A's addiction! Umm nope! Even when I started to recover for my Co-dependency and no longer enabled him/them (And other A’s (brother’s) I learned that there journey was not mine! (I was toxic and did not know any better hence my enabling)

IMHO when we decide that we are a priority to ourselves it is then when things become clear on if we want to stay in a situation or leave that situation. We will find the answers when we are taking care of ourselves-
I love what was said above about “Enough is enough” and truly believe we all A’s or SO of A’s or anyone for that matter dealing with any difficult situation will know when that is and start to control their own life.

I can also honestly say that IMHO I know that I will never be “fully recovered” from my co-dependency as it will always be a part of me and I now know that I’m aware that I could have set backs. It is the being aware in my life now that make’s life easier for me. When I take care of me and continue to do so I’m always recovering from whatever may cross my path on my journey! Today I know how to crack the boulders out of my way-

I know of a lot of A’s that have come a long way recovering/recovered and today I’m blessed that I can have compassion for them and the battle they have faced and are facing. It is a horrible disease and feel so blessed to be able to learn not only from our SR A’s but other sources about the disease. SR has been a HUGE support to me with others sharing their ESH! I have gained a lot of friend’s here all who are facing different battles!

As for your question- Only you know the answer to if you want to stay or not-IMHO I could not allow myself to be abused anymore emotionally and physically.

Trying to convince an active A that they have a chance-IMHO It would be like talking to a brick wall! Kind of like when I was not taking care of me, people were better off talking to a brick wall! I make my choices and everyone else makes their own. Today I make good choices-

People do recover everyday when they begin to take that journey and I believe only they can decide when that it is! It is then we can support them on their journey however we cannot forget ourselves.