ToughChoices

I'm having a really hard time.

After a good start at sobriety, my AH "slipped" about 2 weeks ago. After the incident he immediately recommitted to his program, apologized to me and to our son, and continued on his path toward a life without alcohol.

Still, the drinking made me realize just how honestly done I am with living with an unpredictable, whiny, pitiful man in the grip of alcoholism. All the power and courage that I'd seen emerge from him during recovery got lost behind the slurred words and broken promises, and I finally admitted that, for me, his drinking was completely unacceptable.

I cannot live with him if he cannot escape from active addiction.
He knows this. He's trying. I want him to succeed, but I'm not willing to bet my life on it.

So now, I divide my time between making arrangements for life without him (fixing up the house to sell, finding an apartment, talking to the lawyer, etc...), and making arrangements for life with him (family time with our son, enjoying a date night, talking about our respective meetings).

It's totally weird.

Anyhow, all this comes down to me feeling completely schizophrenic about the whole process. I'm a mess. It's like I want him to be a total screwup or a perfect angel - that way I'd know what to think. I find myself picking fights with him over insignificant matters, as a means of testing his commitment to me and to sobriety.

I'm trying to find some serenity with the "not knowing" what will happen, but I've always been a planner and this is really a challenge for me.

Any advice? Experience?

Thanks.
-TC

CatsPajamas

In times like these, I step up my attendance at meetings. It's one of the things I know I can do to keep myself sane.

In my situation, I wanted a life with a lot less drama and pain in it... so it was fairly easy for me to sell the house. I decided that if ~ ultimately~ we decided to cancel our divorce proceedings, we could always get another house. I had to make decisions and choices that were in my best interest and the best interest of my kids and let life unfold as it would.

I'm probably not making sense... but I remember the frustration of being in limbo.

Hugs
Cats

lexusgirl

I'm a lot like you. My friend described me as "the all or nothing girl" lol. I have a really hard time being somewhere in the middle and not knowing the outcome, so I can understand where you're coming from.

I guess giving this over to your HP and praying about it is a great way to not have to make up the decision all on your own. I think eventually you will know which path to take.

If later he gets some recovery time under his belt, you can always entertain the thought of getting back together--as nothing is forever.

Hope that makes sense..?

:ghug

ToughChoices

Thanks, Lexus.
Maybe I should stop trying to make the BIG decisions.

Here's what I know I need/want to do:

Put the house up for sale.
Arrange a new living situation for my son and I.
Get legal documents in order.

None of those things preclude loving my A or spending good, quality time with him.

I think some sad little part of me still feels guilty for being less than entirely confident in his recovery efforts.

-TC

Freedom1990

I think those are all perfectly reasonable things that are positive for you and your son.

As for not being entirely confident in his recovery efforts, you have that right. I spent years inflicting pain, chaos, confusion, and anger on my loved ones.

It was years before my parents really began to see that I was sincere in my recovery and was working hard on becoming a better person. I completely understand why it took that long.

Don't beat yourself up :ghug2

peaceteach

If your husband truly wants recovery--for himself--he will find it. If he is only doing it to appease you, I don't think it will last. I've heard some say to believe his sobriety is sincere after two years, that it truly takes that long for them to find it and the serenity and growth that comes with it.

I agree that it is perfectly okay for you to make plans for yourself and children at this time.

ToughChoices

For some reason this really makes me feel better.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that my husband's recovery may not follow my timeline. I may not be able to deal with the uncertainty or the backsliding.
That's ok.

If he truly wants to get better (and I think he does) - then he will.
Regardless of whether or not we live together.

It's nice to be reminded that it's not my job, or my problem.

Thank you, peaceteach.