SailorKaren

It's time for me to share my story and ask for help. I'm still feeling ashamed and finding it hard to write about it here. I feel like a failure.

My partner wanted to take in a friend who was having "roommate problems" after her DUI arrest. I agreed, thinking it was a kind thing to do. She moved in to a spare bedroom, and I was surprised how quickly the trash filled up with empty beer bottles. She was friendly to me at first, but became progressively distant and seeming to side with my partner, who is addicted to smoking and loves her rum and coke. Eventually, roommate stopped talking to me and would retreat to her bedroom whenever I entered the house. They seemed like such buddies together, I hated that my presence would seemingly cause a split. I thought I was taking it well, allowing her to have her behavior, etc. My partner seemed at a loss to explain roommate's behavior, and would say "What can I do about it?" Then I began to suspect that roommate was going through personal papers and things on my desk, and when I later had proof of it, I initiated a conversation with my partner about what I had found. It was the day after Christmas, and I told her it was not OK with me to have roommate violate my personal space like that. My partner then launched into a laundry list of defects she saw in me, saying she was more lonely than when we met, and that she wanted a divorce.

I was crushed. I cried and cried. I could not believe what I had heard. 3 days later my partner told me she wanted me out of the house ASAP, because her mother was coming to visit, and they wanted to have a nice New Years party with all her friends, (friends I had never heard of before!), and that I would not be welcome. She said she and roommate would box up all my things and move them to storage for me to pick up. When I objected that this was my house too, she became angry and said no, only her name was on the title, and she would call the police if I tried to stay. She said I should be glad that she wasn't throwing my things out into the yard like what happened to some of our church friends. I was shocked beyond belief. It was insane.

Miracles started happening to me. My Pastor took me in immediately. My boss rented me one of his investment houses at cost. He supplied a company truck and provided some employees to help me move out. Church friends came and helped pack. His property manager found me some furniture for free from an unexpected condo foreclosure. Old and dear friends called every day to help me through. I cried every day. Looking back, it was like God swooped in with a helicopter rescue force and plucked me to safety.

I am still coming to terms with how traumatic this has been. My house is a mess, and it's all I can do to wash my clothes, mow the grass, and keep myself together at my job. My boss is very supportive and pleased with me and my work. I am very thankful for that. I have had some very dark days, and I have done my best to feel my grief and loss. I find myself identifying with victims of rape. I am struggling with fear and find it helpful to realize I have classic symptoms of PTSD. I am taking active steps to protect my inner child, and when my ex partner now shows up at church with her new girlfriend, I sit in front with a safe and supportive member.

This has been so difficult for me. 4/28 would have been our 4yr anniversary, and I can't believe a relationship I thought was for life is over and done in a heartbeat. Writing this down makes me so sad, I have to stop and cry...

Thank you for taking time to read this.

serenityqueen

ToughChoices

I am so sorry that you are hurting.

What a truly traumatic situation - you must have felt positively blindsided.
Talking about it may help. I'm glad that you shared.

Sending peaceful thoughts your direction.
-TC

CatsPajamas

HUGS as you go thru your grieving process. There are better days ahead.

~Cats

laurie6781

I know you haven't realized it fully yet, but based on what you have shared, this was a 'blessing in disguise.'

Sounds like the two of them are into alcohol abuse and possibly both alcoholics. You might want to try some Alanon meetings for YOU. They can help us get through the worst of things.

In the meantime, please keep posting, venting, ranting, raving, screaming, and yes even laughing. We do care very much, and most of us have either been where your are now, or are where you are now.

Love and hugs,

lexusgirl

I know it hurts and sometimes we just have to walk through the painful emotions and greiving to get to the otherside of where we need to be.

((Hugs))

Freedom1990

I also agree with checking into some Alanon meetings to help yourself recover from this. Pain shared is pain lessened, and I hope you continue to share here with us.

So many of the things that I have been through over the years did turn out to be blessings in disguise, but it takes time and distance from the trauma to see it.

I know you are hurting right now, and I will keep you in my prayers.

Also feel free to PM or email me anytime. I'm around my computer a lot :ghug2

SailorKaren

Thank you for your kind words. A year or so ago the roommate was over visiting and drinking with my ex, and when she ran out of booze, she headed for her truck to go buy more. We both saw that she was drunk, and I went out to try to stop her. I opened her truck door and pleaded with her to stay, but she put it in reverse and nearly ran me over. I never thought my ex had an alcohol problem until her mother confided in me a while ago that she was worried her daughter might be alcoholic like her brother. I remember feeling surprised at this, but as I thought about it, it made me feel sad to think it might be true. I feel sure now that she is at least an abuser. After all my recent study and reading, I now feel sure that roommate is alcoholic, and suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. She would come out of her room mumbling angrily to herself, get another beer from the kitchen, and mumble back to her room. Right at the end, she sat in the living room watching TV while I moved boxes. When I tried to move a large wall clock made by my father, I needed both hands and left the door open, only to allow her cat to escape into the yard. Well she went into a rage and stormed out, yelling at the cat to come back. I tried to apologize, but she was busy raging at her cat. So I finished loading, and she stomped back into the house still in a rage. I walked up to the cat (who approached me - surprise), and put her back in the house. But I felt afraid for my safety, knowing roommate owned and kept a handgun in her room. So I left and didn't return until moving day when I knew I wouldn't be alone.

This looks so crazy seeing it in print. Thank you for your ESH.

peaceteach

Karen,
Aren't you glad to have a place where you can write your story and see it for the craziness it is? I agree with Laurie that the ending of your relationship was a blessing in disguise. If you continue to read the codependency literature, you will find that it really wasn't personal towards you, but rather just getting you out of the way so that both can continue their addictive behaviors without interference. Very sad, I know, but no reason for you to put yourself through the sadness with them.

splendra

I know you are hurting but geeze it does sound like you had a sweeping rescue from your situation.

It does sound like you are very well rid of this person. I hope you can be gentle with yourself. You must be a very good person for so many people to want to help you get back on your feet.

Beachbum2856

I'm so sorry that this all happened to you. Almost sounds like it was planned for a while. But you need to take care of yourself. I does sound like God came in and got you outta there. You are lucky you had so much help, it was good to read about that. Just keep doing what you are doing. Try to find others to talk to that you can relate to. It might take a while b4 you can get over the hurt. But I'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason. Take care.

loner1968

I've ben following this thread and I also feel it was planned. Stuff like this usually is IMHO. It baffles us how A's think they are so slick. Yeah I felt stupid too and asked myself over and over "how did i not see" We aren't supposed to see..and it doesnt matter if we do.

The A's tunnel vision is all that matters to them. I'm really glad you had good things fall together for you. HP was looking out for you huh? I guess when I look back i can see that mine was too even though I have no idea what HP is to me yet.

Anyway keep posting and getting it out. You are a good person...sometimes good people dont see whats right in front of them but you do now so keep moving forward.

SailorKaren

Thank you all very much for your kind support. As soon as my move was completed, I left town for a couple of weeks to spend time with old and dear friends back in Wisconsin. When I returned home I went to church and saw my ex sitting in our usual spot with another woman at her side. It wasn't the roommate either, it was a coworker of hers! And she had invited her over for dinner a couple of months earlier, telling me she was someone who needed to get out, and maybe come to church. I thought at the time, wow, what a nice gesture! Now, I feel like an idiot. Oh, and roommate apparently went ballistic shortly after that, moving out and leaving town.

So now I get to see them every week, and hear them ask for prayers of support, and see them carry on with life as if nothing has happened. I feel mostly sadness and loss, a bit of resentment, and a significant amount of fear, actually. More about that later. I'm thinking now of some posts I've read here in the last couple of days that talk about how an alcoholic can't stand to be alone, won't tolerate a perceived threat to their using, and reacts badly to someone setting a boundary. Seems like that's just what happened to me. I thought I was in relationship with a loving, caring, soulmate. I was really having an extended interaction with an addict. My new task is to re-member myself, and know that I am the love of my life. It has been very difficult for me, and I am extremely grateful to an amazing friend in recovery who has stood by me from the very first hours of this nightmare. And I now have you all to help me out of intensive care. Thank you so much for listening, and I will write more shortly.

SailorKaren

Three weeks ago I was busy setting up and running an extensive sound system for an annual charity horse show and competition here in town. They were Tennessee Walking Horses, and the judges, show announcer, and organist were all experienced professionals from out of town, who I had met only last year when I had first been involved with the show. I ran parts of my gear next to them at center ring in the fancy booth they had set up. As audio goes, it was a simple gig, but the equipment was spread out over the many acres of track, fields, and temporary barns, so I had to make periodic walks to check on it during the competition. During one of my checks, a staff member came up to me and said "I'm hearing some wonderful things about you from up there Karen. And it's not just about the sound. It's about you as a person!" The organist had thanked me for my help, and he told me how he had been discussing me with the announcer. And he told me at the end of the four day show, that I was the best sound man (?) in the business.
I am humbled by their comments. I grew up being told numerous times by my parents what a sh_thead I was, and being whipped with belts and bare hands when I didn't please them properly. So feelings of shame are a part of my life in difficult times, and it is so helpful for me to hear feedback like that from the show people. It's gotten back to my boss too, and he's happy about it. Thank you Universe, for providing me healing reflections of the loving being I carry inside.

SugarLily

Hi SailorKaren, I am so sorry for what you have been going through, and also deeply saddened to hear that your childhood was painful.

There will be a day when the fog clears and you realise what life can be, that it can be full of happiness.

As much as it is hurting you what has happened with the ex - please see it as a good thing. They sound like toxic people and you don't need them in your life. Please take care of your self and continue to let us know how you are. x x

peaceteach

My new task is to re-member myself, and know that I am the love of my life.

I love this, Karen. You write beautifully and have really inspired me today! Thank you

Laan

Hey there,

I'm really sorry you had to go through this hey! These kinds of situations normally leave us (the ones that get hurt) feeling sad and confused.

You know what it sounds like to me - it sounds like you don't need ppl like your ex in your life! You sound like such a nice person. Yeah, I can just imagine how difficult it must be for you to lose the person you thought was your soul-mate. I'd probably feel the same if it happened to me, but really! As an outsider, you sound like you deserve so much more!

So many times in my life I wish I was a humble and liked all-round person. Some ppl just have that naturally and for so many ppl that WANTED to help you out, you deserve it hey. Please try not to let the sadness overcome you! You are too nice & life is too good.

I know, I know, easier said than done. But time is really such a healer!

Lots of hugs and prayers your way!!!

Kindeyes

You sound like you're pretty together even though you have experienced this painful loss. Pat yourself on the back! Good job!

You are very lucky to have so many wonderful people who are willing to lend you a helping hand.

Welcome to SR.....you'll find a lot of support from people who have been (or currently are) where you are. There is comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

gentle hugs

SailorKaren

I felt so much shame when my ex told me she wanted me gone. As I read the posts here on SR of family members setting boundaries and telling partners they have to go, my shame is still there, trying to convince me that my ex was justified in tossing me out. I know it's not logical, so let me list her objections here to help me move through this.

She was unhappy about the amount of disorganization I tend to have in my work and hobby areas. She expressed displeasure that I did not wash the dishes very often. I think she felt I could have contributed more financially to the household. And she said she felt more alone now than before she had met me. She said I acted like she was poisonous, and she was upset that we hadn't been intimate for quite some time. She said she had battled with this decision for a long time, and she just wanted her house back.

I understand her objections, but I believe I made useful contributions to our partnership. I built and paid for a new addition to her work shed. I crawled through the dirt under the house multiple times to repair the plumbing. I performed and paid for regular maintenance on our vehicles. I took care of computer problems. I generally did the bathroom cleaning. I was the kitty litter scooper and cleanup person. I bought a new high-tech electric lawnmower to replace hers that wouldn't start. I mowed the lawn. I took 10 days off work and paid $1500 to take her cat to a special university vet hospital to receive radiation treatment for hyperthyroid. I spent many thousands of my savings to contribute half the cost of the fishing boat of her dreams.

I struggled with an increasing inability to physically tolerate her cig smoking. Even though she went outside to smoke, minute amounts of it remained in her lungs an in her clothes, and it started to make me sick. I found I could not sit next to her on the sofa, I couldn't kiss her when she came home (she smokes in the car), and I couldn't be intimate with her. These were boundaries I set for myself, and as much as I had hoped she would end her addiction to nicotine, as she said she intended to do, I realized I could do nothing to make her change. I decided to set boundaries for my health, and wait for her to come around. I loved her too much to just leave. She refused to admit that smoking or drinking were harming her in any way. She blamed breathing and coughing problems on sinus drainage, warm temperatures, or stress at work. My increasing intolerance didn't seem to matter to her. It was next to impossible to talk to her about her smoking -- she would deny there was a problem. When anti-smoking ads came on the TV, she would get up and leave the room.

Friends in my support network tell me I have nothing to be ashamed about. It helps to hear that. Knowing what I do at the moment from my study here about addicts and addiction, it would seem like our relationship was doomed. The addict is a whole different person than the partner with a heart of gold I thought I had committed to. The addict reared its fearsome, ugly head right at the end and left me severely traumatized. I am still struggling with those aftereffects, and I'll write about those next. Thank you so much for all your support.

barb dwyer

!Hi Karen -

I just wanted to post and tell you that although I've no anwers... your thread and posts are so well written... I'm so impressed with how well thought out your posts are, and how nicely they read!
Sorry to come off shallow - but I really think you should know that!

I exhibited horses professionally - let me tell ya - horse shows are a good gig if you can get 'em. That organ player will tell his other clients (meaning other breed associations and sales events in the area) about you (networking is over HALF the thrill of the horse industry) (a/k/a "schmoozing")
and you *could* do well in that regard- as well as having a signifigant part of the winter ...off!
I see that you're in FL - I showed quite a bit in FL. back then, it was FLA, but still.

Good LUCK to you. *I* think you're far better off now; and congratulate you on your self - work!