Loreena

Im a 21 year sober recovering alcoholic who up until very recently was married to an active alcoholic. We met in AA, we never drank together, we had excellent recovery for years an years. He started drinking again after about 10 years and the past 8 years now have been hell for me. This man has been to hell and back himself so many times but now I see him homeless, unemployable, sores on his face, his gums are receeding, his hair is falling out and he has no equalibrium and falls down. he has lost so much weight and his tongue is all swollen up. He can't put a sentence together nor can he bath any longer. His entire family has left, I was the last holdout but I got alanon and let go. I saw him today on the street, it broke my heart and set me back a bit. I've been crying all day long. my eyes are so swollen. I still ask why God, why are you taking him? he saw me and said he didn't have any money but I couldn't give him any. I feel so evil and it feels so wrong not to help but I"m thinking one more bottle of vodka will do it and I dont' want it to be from me. he was beaten up, robbed and never called the police. he had 600.00 a week unemployment for the next few months and was too drunk to call them up and file.

he was thrown out of the worst motel in town and they took all his clothes.

I don't know what to say, I know some of you have lost people you loved to this disease, I didn't want to see him die, I thought he'd get help but he never did, he never asked. I know it's not up to me, he is in Gods hands...

I'll never understand this disease, it scares me more than anything and for me to not even be thinking about picking up a drink myself right now is a miracle, if it worked for me why didn't it work for him? I am sorry I am falling apart and dint' know where to turn, you folks are so nice here and can identify with what I'm going through.

I dont thinik I've ever hurt so bad in my life.

God give me the strength I need to get through this day. I know I'm not alone.

L

hopeangel

i can't imagine how hard. you have my support and prayers!!!

keep taking care of yourself.

lexusgirl

((Loreena))

Your story is so very sad You and your ex are in my prayers. Take care of yourself.:ghug3

Serenity8

I am so sorry.

Loreena

This is what i posted on the AA Forum. It makes me grateful - so grateful for my recovery and also I hope I can help a fellow alcoholic that wants to live.



Hi, I am a 21 year sober alcoholic, I'm glad to be on this forum right now, I just wanted to ask all of you to please remember those who are still out there and who are dying from this disease and just can't get the program. There are folks that no matter what, can't get it. I especially want to remember this today because my alcoholic husband is loosing his battle with this disease and it destroyed our lives. I hurt so deeply because I wasn't able to help him and I'm having a hard time helping myself right now becuase I have been around the program for so long that I know what happens to people that don't go to meetings. I know folks die. I see a broken person that can't work, lives on the street, no money, no family and no friends. I am also in "Alanon" and I know I can't help him and that he is in Gods hands, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. 7 months ago, we were going to the gym, making good money, family and friends all around, livng in our beautiful home and all was well - alcohol has taken my precious husband, his job, our home is in foreclosure, the kids are not around anymore and Im just hanging on. my purpose here wasn't to do anything but to remind especially those that are strugglling with sobriety to hang on and remember, always remember that booze wants us dead. It kills, it's an awful devastating disease. Please pray for my michael, please pray for him.


Thank you for reading my thread and God bless you all.

peaceteach

Loreena,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that you are in pain and am glad you came over for love and support. Stay strong, grieve, and allow yourself to feel those feelings. Maybe set a time limit, though, and then get yourself to step away for an hour or two to occupy your mind and give it a rest from the pain. Just walk through it, sweetie, and know that this man is not the man you knew anymore. Turn him over to his HP, and let yours work with you in the survival process. It's incredibly sad and truly does break your heart to not be able to help a loved one in addiction, but even sadder if he takes you down with him. So feel it, for sure, but fight for yourself also in the process. YOU are worth it. You did your best and now it's in God's hands, Loretta. Prayer for you tonight and for your ex

Loreena

Thank you Peace, I am feeling better, I just had to get it out - I am just having a bad moment, it wll pass I know. Your kindness and others as well here have helped me so much in the past year or so. It has been a constant decline, I just fear the bottom is near, he's gone to jail, institutions and I know there is only one other place that booze can take him. I pray for the strenght to get through it. I myself am getting through it, a day at a time and Im trying not to worry.

I thank you for your nice prayer, it makes so much difference doesn't it?

regards, L

Ang102

This is so sad and I can see if I don't remain sober - my husband will be watching me on the street in the same position - day 2 and counting

minnelson6200

:praying for you and your ex.

:ghug3 for you.

Freedom1990

Pain shared is pain lessened :ghug2

Back in 1986, my then husband went through in-patient rehab, and I entered shortly after he was discharged.

He never stayed in recovery. He was slamming meth and swilling whiskey his first day out.

My mother sent me his obituary almost a year ago. He was 47 years old.

Although we had been divorced for many many years, his death had a profound effect on me and my sobriety.

My sponsor often reminds me that no alcoholic dies in vain. There's a good chance they have touched someone's life.

I no longer have survivor's guilt, but instead have gratitude in my heart for what he did do for me.

He drove me to rehab. For one day, that normally psychotic, violent man was perfectly lucid and made sure I got to rehab because I was literally days away from death.

God did work through him while he was here on earth, and I know he's looking down on me and is proud of how far I've come in my recovery.

I will keep you and your ex in my prayers.

Loreena

There is love coming from accross the world right now, thank you from Melbourne!

This entire thing is so surreal to me, it's like it isnt' all happening, the house is going - I am even worried i might loose my gov sec clearance as a result of loosing my good credit because of ths house. why do I feel so responsible for so much of what has happened? he was sober when we got back together but he did have some slips and I should have known better. I know I'm not supposed to say "should have" anymore.

I know there are alot of what we call double winners here, alanoner and AA'r and I don't feel so alone right now.

I'm actually dressed and going out with friends, I put a ton of makeup on and since the divorce have lost 15 lbs so look pretty good for a53 year old!

I hope my heart heals soon. I hope there is some closure to some of these issues, I am not a patient person. I know in Gods time stuff will get better...

L

Loreena

Your post was so overwhelming to me. Now I know there is hope for me to get through this and you are right, no alcoholic dies in vain. I have had two other friends in the program die and one that never made it to the program at all and I remember that pain but I still care deeply for my husband and I'm afraid of that kind of grief. my mother is dying right now from alzthiemers and she is all I can grieve about right now. I have too much on my plate and I know they say God only gives you as much in a day as you can handle, but this is ridiculous. I'm overwhelmed - truly that you shared your experience strenght and hope with me and I will remember it.

thank you from the bottom of my heart.

l

i4getsm

Sending hugs and prayers your way. (((HUGS)))