Feel Free to Set Me Straight If Needed
 

I check in everyday to get my daily dose of SR. I need it, I breathe it, you all have taught me so much here. But everyday whenever I read a thread with someone posting their situation and/or asking for advice, this is the clincher for me - if it is NOT an AH, but rather an ABF, in other words, they are not legally tied to this person as of yet, the thought that immediately crosses my mind pleading to that poster is RUN, JUST RUN BEFORE YOU GET YOUR LIFE ENTANGLED IN THIS ALCOHOLIC ROLLERCOASTER OF A MESS!!! I know that is not fair to the disease, but after spending 20-plus years in it and affecting me & mine around me, I can't help but think that while you still can save yourself and have the opportunity to get out, it's the best thing to do for your life. Part of the Recovery is for you to take care of your ownself, your own needs first. So is this a selfish thought I have, or is it fair to yourself to just get out while the getting's good. This alcoholic lifestyle with my XAH nearly ruined me inside. I swear, it made me just as sick or sicker than him. If I could have looked into the future and saw what was coming, I would have never entered into it - I can promise you that. I hope I haven't offended anybody. Any and all comments welcome.

I completely understand what you are saying! :)

It's okay to have those kinds of feelings. What I have learned is the best help that I can be is to share my experiences of being married to an addict/alkie, and just how devastating it was for me.

If they take something away from that, good. If they don't, well they have their own path to walk, just as you and I do :ghug2

Certainly I understand what you are saying here. My beautiful sweet daughter is (was) involved with an abf. Her brother is an alcoholic and she has seen what it does to the women in his life. Inside I was screaming at her "YOU KNOW BETTER!" But as Freedom said.......everyone must walk their own path. As hard as it was for me to bite my tongue and watch her invest herself emotionally in a man whose first love is alcohol, I had to just keep it to myself.

She called me this morning and said that they have once again broken up. I wanted to jump around and do a dance........but I couldn't. Not when she was sobbing and hurting.

I understand your thoughts.......I have them too.......and it very hard to stand by and watch someone else make a terrible mistake. But it's their mistake to make.

gentle hugs

Ragazza,

I have a neighbor who is 10 years younger than myself, and whose husband is showing a lot of the behaviors that my AH did about as many years ago.

I share my experiences with her, and the things that I do today, to keep my sanity in this insane world of alcoholism.

That being said, I also share with her that I wish I would have known 10 years ago what I now know. And, even if I had that information way back when, can't say for sure whether or not I would have acted on it.

I am a very open person, and I don't mind sharing my life experiences with others. It's kind of like an alanon mtg., "take what you like and leave the rest". I don't give advice or tell people what to do, I just share what has/has not worked for me..

Hope this helps,


Shivaya

Denial is just such a hard thing, especially for those unfamiliar with the dynamics of alcoholism. Try as we might to spare those just starting out in the downward spiral from the pain we endured for entire life-long marriages, some people just think they are "different" and that our experience will never be theirs--until it is.

However, once you have lived that life, and learned those lessons, it is much easier to accept the truth of addiction the next time and act more quickly to save yourself from enabling.

I have such a hard time here watching new girlfriends, wives, mothers, and lovers just starting this process, knowing full well that they are going to live in pain until they say "No More" instead of just taking our word for it! Sigh...

Yeah, if it were that easy. Problem is, a lot of us were programmed-basically-to seek out those types of relationships, the kind that mimic our relationships with our alcoholic parent(s). And what kind of excuse is 'legal entanglement' anyways? I could understand a spouse staying with an alcoholic because that person is the financial provider and maybe children are involved, but if you look at it, much better for the kids to suffer a little because of poverty than to suffer the neglect of the active alcoholic. And it seems that far more often than not the alcoholic is the financially irresponsible party in these marital relationships. Yeah, if it were only that easy.....

Each of us walks our own path, and we learn at our own pace - just like our A's. It was an interesting AHA moment for me when I realized that. I could see what HE or SHE or THEY were doing wrong.... my gosh it was crystal clear. And I was frustrated when he/she/they would not listen to me when I told them what I saw going on in their lives.

AHA... there was that moment when I realized that I wasn't seeing it... the thing that others were seeing so clearly in MY life.

Wow.

That's when I learned that all I could do was share my experience, strength and hope. This is how it was for me, and this is how it is today.

Hugs
Cats

I'm not offended by your question. But the question itself makes the whole thing sound so simple and easy. Things are not so simple and easy when feelings are involved.

I wasn't married to my ex. We did have a house together - we still do, the stress of wondering what to do with it is making me lose sleep. Joint financial commitments, missed mortgage payments, I couldn't sort that on my own.

I still swear to my friends that "without the house I would have walked a LONG time ago...." but I'm starting to wonder whether I really would have.

This is a man I fell in love with, he obviously had redeeming traits as I would never have fallen for him to begin with, he was tender, loving, funny...

Then his drinking deepened and he turned into an abusive stranger. But I swore that that person is NOT him, it can't be.

I'd invested so deeply in this relationship, I'd invested time, love and money. I wanted to prove somehow I hadn't failed.

I still remember buying our house, the pair of us were both so full of hope with plans for the future. That still tears me up.

Hi Ragazza - I sometimes get that feeling to tell people to run from unhealthy relationships too - but then I remember how strong my denial was when I was in mine - heck, denial was getting regular workarounts at the gym!

If it wasn't with XABF then it would've been another unhealthy relationship. Through the relationship with XABF I learned that I had a problem that I needed to work on - my codependency. It was there before XABF and would still be there if I chose to change nothing.

The biggest demons in my life have been angels in disguise...

Because addiction is an equal opportunity affliction it does not discriminate as to what kind of damage it can do to any relationship be it friendship, marriage,business, or family.

People who are dealing with an active alcoholic/addict get "stuck" if they suffer from co-dependency no matter what kind of relationship it is.

I never married my ex. I wanted too, we talked about it and were making steps toward that goal - I thought. We shared a house together with mortgage payments etc. I really believed I was beginning the rest of my life with him.

Now I know that for a large period of time, he wasn't making the same commitment I was. He talked about marriage to me, but always said when we are financially stable, but then we never could be because he couldn't hold a job or get his drinking together.

It took me while to wake up

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx

Cats Amen! It was amazing for me when I started to realize this too and came to understand myself and what I was doing to ME. (My best friend stopped talking to me for close to 3 months because I could not see what she did)

We do all grow at a different pace and it is horrible to watch those we love left in our dust-The feelings are hard but when we are taking care of US it becomes a bit easier IMHO.

Addiction is a horrible disease to live through and I have empathy as I learn more in recovery today.

:hug: