Kindeyes

Barbara52 wrote a beautiful thread about her own personal growth (If you haven't read it, DO......it is powerful.) I thought it might be a good idea for those of us who are further down our path to recovery to share our progress. We do this to give HOPE to those who are just beginning their journey.

I'll start.

I am a better person today than I was a year ago. Alanon, SR, my A son's recovery center were pivotal in starting me on a journey of self discovery.

I have learned that it is possible to love the wrong way.

I have learned that I am responsible for setting my own boundaries and that I cannot "blame" someone else for crossing those boundaries if I don't establish them and guard them well.

I have learned that I am NOT responsible for the behavior of others and I cannot control their lives.

I have forgiven myself for my failures as a person and a mother. I am not responsible for my son's alcoholism. I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it.

I AM HAPPY whether my A son is drinking or not. I am able to accept that which I cannot control. I still LOVE him with all of my heart but that doesn't mean that I accept intolerable behaviors.

I don't have to blurt out everything that comes to my mind to my children. I don't have to tell them what "they should do".

I can listen, not take offense, not offer an opinion. Just listen.

I can love without obsessing about the object of my affection.

My list could go on and on and on but I'll give someone else a chance to share!

gentle hugs

Rella927

Great thread KindEyes!

First and foremost I will add the same to my list:

I have learned today that I have choices and I can make them without worrying what anyone thinks! It matters what I think!

Today I can detach from other's lives and know that they have to experience their paths as God has planned for them WITHOUT my direction. (Detaching with love was a hard lesson but I do think I have it down now!)

I learned I can only fix ME!

I have learned that there is hope

I have learned that I matter

I have learned that when I put positive out it comes back to me

I have learned to not react when things do not go my way and that I need to live my life with actions not reactions!

I can hear the birds chirp today and the sunshine-I take time today for ME!

I have a great realtionship with Mom today as I have learned to forgive her and myself and know that she did the best that she could with the hand she was delt. I love her and she is one of my best friends! (Amazing I do not react to her today and it feels GREAT)

A changed attitude that I have taken is one of acceptance. When I accept others as they are, I am less likely to react negatively. Lowering my expectations allows me to be free from disappointment. Acceptance of myself allows me to practice the slogan “Easy Does It” whenever I feel I’m not “measuring up”. I cannot change another person but if and when I am willing, my attitude is the one thing I can change. It is exciting to watch others notice a change in me. It can be contagious—a positive attitude. Al-Anon has given me the freedom to make positive choices or negative choices.

Al-Anon, SR, counseling, family, friends and ME! Guiding me on my journey to a much happier life today! Thank you!

As I walk this journey I learn more everyday and for this I'am grateful

Life is GOOD!

nowinsituation

It was almost a year ago that I became aware of my STBXAH's drinking problem. I have been on auto-pilot since then, first numb, then in extreme pain and anger. I have leaned on God, Alanon, and SR -- well; more than leaned because I think you have actually been carrying me. Today, every once in a while, I feel little flickers of hope and happiness. You all tell me, and I have been telling myself, that I needed to believe that someday I would feel better. My happiness does not hinge on whether people like me or what they think of me. The world does not fall apart if I focus on myself and take care of me. I know I may slip into my "old" ways -- but I will keep focused on my recovery and making progress.

LucyA

All I know is, I've come a heck of a long way in a few short months.
And I'm not going back.

hbb

Great thread Kind!

I've been here as long as Barb and i remember the day i found this place. I was a COMPLETE puddle. Little history, my exabf and i were together almost a year, he was 6 months sober when he cheated and left me for his exgf.

I've changed/grown in so many ways:

I no longer take anything for granted

I take care of ME for the first time in 33 years

I am no longer a huge pushover and speak my mind

I've learned that I can live for myself instead of someone else

I know alot more red flags and act on them instead of ignoring them

I'm much healthier, lost weight

Got active with friends and back in my social circle

Learned alot at Al Anon and SR

I too can hear the birds cherp and i now also notice colors when im outside!


I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I'M HAPPY IN MY LIFE AND MY OWN SKIN...which is huge for me!

I want to say, to everyone new and seeking advice, stick around, read all you can and most of all love yourself first!
:ghug

oh and p.s. i also have my fall backs, we all slip at one time or another, it's all part of the process

LivingInMyHead

While I am new to posting on SR, I have been visiting here as a guest for over a year and it has helped tremendously just having the knowledge that others have shared my pain and struggles. I have been in therapy working on my recovery for a year and a half and have been reading all the books my therapist suggests as well as others mentioned on this site. All of these things have helped me grow immensely. In the last two years I have gone from crying everyday to now finding more and more reasons to smile daily!!

Much to my own disappointment, I am still with my AH, but I know that as I continue to grow, learn, and recover I will one day soon be able to refer to him as my STBXAH! I see divorce as my goal and have pointed my wheels in that direction because I know that I can't fix it, I have tried and tried and tried. What I know now is that I can fix me and that is where I have chosen to put all of my time and energy. I know that there is a better life and more happiness waiting for me just a little ways down the road. I find more of it each and every day!

prodigal

I have learned to love life one day at a time

I have learned that no person can make me truly happy

I have learned that my attitude towards my problems determines my ability to be at peace REGARDLESS of the problems

I have learned (although I already knew it) that animals are indeed man's (and woman's) best friend; they love us unconditionally and are far more intuitive than most people

I have learned that my AH chose to drink, mess up his life, mess up his finances, and destroy our marriage all by himself, with no help from me - 'cause what he chooses to do has NOTHING to do with me

I've learned that the only business I need to know is my own business

I have learned that worrying, fretting, trying-to-figure-out-things, etc., is a complete and total waste of time and solves nothing

and ...

I have learned a great deal from the folks on this board!

hope2bhappy

I learned that I really didn't need another person to make me happy.

I learned that prayers really are answered.

I learned that there is no human power (least of all me) that could get my husband sober.

I learned the best thing I could do for my husband and myself was to shut up, detach and let him find his own way back. It worked.

Spiritual Seeker

Kindeyes thanks for this thread of reflection A lot of wisdom comes around and goes around. In the last yr. I have learned a bit myself;

* I know to stop taking everyone else's inventory and only take my own
* Giving unsolicited advice is not necessary or appreciated
* Acceptance Acceptance Acceptance
* Silencing my critical tongue is absolutely necessary to have what I want.

* You can teach and old dog new tricks
* I can reach out, I can ask for help, I can accept help
* I can be of service
* It is okay to be honest, share my story and be authentic
* Listen and Learn
* Live in gratitude
* I resigned as boss of the world
* Fear, doubt and worry are of no use while living in the moment is
* things don't have to be perfect
* There's plenty of room for change and growth right here with myself

peaceteach

I have learned what depression truly feels like after a lifetime of trying to keep my rose-colored glasses on. I have learned that after walking through the deepest valley of pain, I did possess the strength to pull out of it and make the climb back up to life again. I have learned acceptance and faith. I have learned to listen to those who have walked before me and to see myself in their lives. I have learned that having a child as an addict is really not so different from having a spouse or lover as one, once you "see the light" and accept this truth about your child. I have learned that acceptance and stopping the denial truly takes a tremendous weight off my heart and soul. I have learned that stepping away from the addicts' problems and allowing them the dignity of making their own choices gives me much serenity, and can have amazing results in their choices as well. I have learned to trust the philosophies of 12 steps and codependent treatment.

I have really learned that reaching out and actively seeking help for myself, through this amazing world of the internet, has been a tremendous source of healing for me in dealing with my codependency and the world of addiction. Something about knowing you are not alone, not going crazy, not going to die from the pain and truly surviving it and appreciating its lessons, makes my faith in my HP greater with each experience.

RosieM

I have learned that each of us has the power to change our own lives.

Chrysalis123

I crawled into my first Alanon meeting six months ago not knowing why I was there and since then this is what I have learned:

My situation is not unique nor am I as alone as I thought I was.

I don't need to hide anymore and people can be wonderful and loving.

When the going gets really tough my higher power sends miracles and I can actually notice them if I pay attention and cultivate a grateful spirit.

Getting a kitten is a very good thing for my mental health.

Kind people are everywhere.

I have the right to all my feelings, the right to make mistakes, and I don't have to be perfect any more.

Reaching out to others is not to be feared. My long road of isoation is officially OVER!!!

Feelings are just feelings and they will pass.

I am so thankful for my recovery and for all of you here that so freely give of yourselves. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

:ghug

Serenity8

I learned that I am my own best friend that I can always count on.

I learned that when people do or say something, it probably isn't with the intention to annoy me, so I should stop looking at everyone's "angle" and just assume that most people have good intentions.

I learned that there is no material STUFF that is worth staying in a healthy relationship for, not for me, not for my kids. Our main concerns should be food, shelter, and clothing. The rest will all fall into place eventually. I guess this all goes back to trusting my Higher Power. I'm still working on that.

GiveLove

I've discovered how wrong I could be.

I truly thought I was trapped in a relationship with an abusive, unfaithful addict/alcoholic. I had a thousand reasons why I couldn't leave. I was wrong.

I thought I deserved the life I had, because I was nothin' special. I thought I was ordinary, average, a little damaged, pudgy, moody, funny skin, not anything to write home about. I was wrong.

I lived a life that, on a scale of 1 to 10, was about a three or four in terms of happiness. I thought that's all most people ever get, and thought that a 9 or a 10 was reserved for women who were rich, gorgeous, powerful, or all of the above. I was wrong.

I thought that if I gave up on my abusive other, no one would ever want me. No one would ever love me the way he'd (once) loved me. I thought the memories I clutched so tightly were the best ones I'd ever have. I was wrong.

I was wrong on all counts. And if any of you have ever harbored these thoughts, you are wrong too.

Life is so much bigger than I ever thought. You wouldn't believe it.

mamaplus2kids

Oh these two points are just wonderful, Prodigal! I need to work on them. I am always so interested in other people's lives... and I need to concentrate more on myself and less on others. It's also so easy to get dragged into discussions with family members on figuring out and fixing a loved one. The only thing to work on is boundaries when it comes to others!

Lilyflower

I have learnt that (amongst other things)...

I am a stronger person than I thought I was

I can cope and even thrive on my own without a significant other

I am the one who defines me

To live my life openly and honestly and have found love and acceptance for this

When I make assumptions about what others think of me, I am limiting my own happiness

It is alright to ask for support, it doesn't mean that I am failing

No problems are worth losing my serenity over, all things will work out in the end if I trust in my HP and take positive steps to care for my inner self

To listen to my inner self and not be swayed by others opinions

That matrial possesions come and go, the important things cannot be held, such as peace, inner joy, serenity, compassion and love

To progress I need to let go and let live

The greatest display of love I can offer is to allow someone to be who they are without judgement or condenment, but with compassion, love and prayer

I am a lovely person because I am true to me, not because of how much I give of myself

We all have our own journey, therfore I should tend to my path before I criticise others

To seek refuge in my HP when I am struggling and also when I am happy as the nature of this world means even happiness is a temporary state of being

I could go on and on! It is great to concentrate on this positivity - ThanksKindeyes and Barb for the inspiration,

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

cagefree

Thank you for this thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have learned that I don't have to be superwoman to have value.
I work less hours.
I spend more time with myself, family friends and my dog (yes I have a new addition to the family )
I can have any feeling - even the bad ones - and feel no guilt as a result
I can get angry and express it constructively
I am a member of the clean-plate club...in that I cleaned my plate of responsibilities that did not belong to me.
My parent's loveless marriage, my mom's runaway codependency is not mine to own.

The hardest thing for me to deal with currently is that I wish I could share how wonderful my codie recovery has been and where it's going with family and friends...but some are not at a place where they can understand and probably never will be. However, it also makes me happy that I can stop the cycle of codependency in my family and when I have children that teaching them to accept in themselves and protect and love and not criticize themselves to the point of a sickness is as important as brushing their teeth, the golden rule, and don't talk to strangers. Most of the time I feel it's those we know who are most dangerous to us - that includes ourselves.

Lilyflower

Strange you post this now. My mum, dad and sister all have codependancy issues in one form or another and in different intensities. As I have been working on myself these last 6 months or so I have often wished I could help my family find inner peace by sharing my new found perspective with them. I've tried with my mum, but it ended with huge arguements and so I decided to just 'let live'.

This past week, my mum has actually been quoting me! She has been attempting to let go of others responsibility and not making it her own, she has been spaeking her inner truth, sometimes in an agressive way, but this approach is completely new to her and I am happy she is trying. I have left post-it-notes by her computer with some good internet sites for her to look at, at her leisure - and she has done!

I am really proud of her growth, she seems to have begun to SEE the changes in me and wants to adopt a new way herself. Perhaps your family will in time themselves when they witness the new you!

lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

really_fed_up

Great post, KindEyes!

I've learned...

That I cannot control, fix, or cure another person's behavior

How to be strong and set boundaries

How to ease feelings of personal guilt when others might not agree with my decisions

To accept others for who they are

To realize that my ideas are not always right

To not put my life on hold for my sister's problems

To accept that my sister has a disease

To live now, and not in the past or the future

Ragazza Miele

I'm a year and 2 weeks separated and then divorced from my XAH. One week away from the anniversary of his attempted suicide which I've now learned is one of an alcoholics attention-suckers. Without getting too wordy which I tend to do, I'd like to say regarding my recovery that I am very very happy. That is HUGE with me. I realized what the lifestyle was doing to me and there was no turning back, because trust me, I went thru the typical trials & tribulations, believing he'd get better. When I realized what I had to finally do for me and my kids, even though they may not understand it yet, I am the most happy I have been in my whole life right now. I like who I am and "where" I am in my life.

Thank you for that moment