SugarLily

Somehow my ex knows I'm not coping too well this past couple of days. I'm being sent messages asking how I am, can we give it another go, If I hate him he understands...

He says all he wants is our house to be sorted and to live as a family with our dog (soppy eh?) He knows this is all I ever wanted. He promises he will never visit the pub ever again, all he wants is us.

What I don't understand is when he had us waiting at home for him he wouldn't come back.

Why all of a sudden does he need me?

This is the man thats punched walls in my house, called me awful names and left me to cry myself to sleep at night. This is the man who made me lay anxious in bed wating for him to come home, not being able to sleep till I knew he was back and then wondering what mood he'd be in.

I just don't understand. Its messing my head up. I'm now crying at work.

fluffyflea

They beg to stay because the don't want to lose their enablers.

Ngaire

laurie6781

You can't understand. An alcoholic and/or addict does not live in reality. Their reality is very warped. I know I got sober almost 27 years ago.

How about wrapping your mind around yourself instead of him. By the Time difference I think you might be in England or Europe.

Please try and find some Alanon meetings for YOU. It will help you with you, and help with not only setting boundaries but keeping them.

Sounds like he is out of the house now, so maybe it's time for NO CONTACT. Don't read his messages and don't answer his call.s. He is doing what is called MANIPULATION. He will push every button he thinks he knows to get you to let him back. He'll play the GUILT CARD over and over in different ways. He misses his 'cushy' spot, not realizing that his reality is false.

Until he finally not only realizes that he has a problem and wants to do something about it nothing will change, it will only get worse.

Please try Alanon, it has helped so many.

J M H O

Also, please keep posting, venting, ranting, raving, screaming, crying, laughing, etc, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

SugarLily

Thanks Laurie, Yes I'm in England.

The thing is I cannot change my number or block contact, we still have a house that no one lives in. Its the huge weight thats kept me around for a long time because I don't want the thing repossessed.

I'm looking to have it sold by the Summer. BUT I still need to be in touch with him to make sure bills are being paid etc...

I realise he is manipulating me I just don't understand why?! When we were living together he would do whatever excuse he had to stay out and drink. "It was so and so's birthday" "I had to wait for so and so to come in to do some work for him..." "So and so has just been dumped...." He would do anything to NOT be a partner to me.

Now I've said enough is enough and he's begging my forgiveness?!

I do need to look into Al-Anon, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

SugarLily

Yeah I've thought about this.

The worst enablers though seem to be his family. They actually were annoyed with me for calling the police on him and were blaming me for risking him losing his job. Hello?! What about me?

So he's at his parents with his mum feeding him, cleaning his room and washing his clothes while I'm alone feeling utterly depressed. It doesn't seem fair.

cagefree

Hey Sugarlily,

Sounds all too familiar. Alcoholism is not just a one person disease. The entire family/friend environment is sick.

Active alcoholics lack the basic understanding of cause and effect - you behave badly, people leave. If you could drink, behave badly towards others, and be fed, clothed and have a free roof over your head - well, hey pretty nice setup.

He behaved badly toward you - he is now an ex. His first consequence. When children misbehave and misbehave after you count to three and they know they're about to go to the "naughty mat"...do they not beg for another chance?

SugarLily

Thanks cagefree

I know I can't blame his family for the way it is but I find them unbelievable. When I'd called the police they were furious. They said I should have called them instead. So I guess they would have no problem with me calling at 1.30am to get their son to stop smashing my doors, get off off my roof and give my car back?!

I was also told I should have just let him in, that "they are all the same after booze". I was also blamed for his Dads health - the stress is apparently not too good for his blood pressure.

best

That works.

You will never understand us unless you join us and that would be a tough lesson to learn...even tougher then the lessons you are learning now.
Why do we do such things? Because we are alcoholics and that is what we do.
I can explain each action a step at a time and maybe even explain what could come next and be almost 100% right in my answer... still you wouldn't understand because our thinking doesn't make sense.
What I can tell you and hope you fully understand... His actions have nothing to do with you. You didn't say or do anything to cause any of it.
If by magic you could remove yourself and place any other person in your place...his actions would still be the same.
Why do we ask to come back? In part... a fear of the unknown. We return to what we know is safe rather then face having to make a choice and figure out the unknown.

cagefree

Yup - sick people do strange things that make no sense. Thank God you decided to step back into the real world!

XABF's family would pat him on the back for not drinking with one hand and hand him a beer with another. It's laughable, but not funny in the least.

best

I would say that the booze isn't all that good for it but you won't see them telling him to stop.

SugarLily

"What I can tell you and hope you fully understand... His actions have nothing to do with you. You didn't say or do anything to cause any of it."

That offers me some comfort. I am a soft and forgiving person which is why I guess I have allowed this to continue for so long. I see the good in people.

I still think he's a good man. He just has SERIOUS issues with aggression when drunk. I'm coming slowly to realise I can't do anything to help. Much as I'd like too.

SugarLily

I can see the humour in it!
All of them have said at one time "you know he wouldn't hurt you" but whereas physical abuse was not present, the emotional was just as hard to deal with. He would manipulate me.

I remember a few months ago I had fallen out with a friend, nothing major. Ex said how ridiculous she was. Until he went out on a bender, came home swaying. We argued and he screamed "No wonder your mates hate you!"

I was completely taken aback. And as it had some truth I would begin to self doubt myselsf. The next day he apologised and told me to ignore him when he's "like that".

best

At Al Anon... that is one of the boundaries you will learn.
Out of your recovery tool bag, you will pull out the means of how to let go (distance yourself) from people who are acting in a toxic manner.

SugarLily

So is that a regular response from an alcoholic "just ignore me when I'm like that" or "you know what he's like when he's drunk" ( << from his parents)

They may seem like two seperate people, but they are not. I cannot just "blank out" the bad side. It still hurts me, it crushes my feelings whether he means it or not.

I just tried to google Al Anon, the site is down at the moment.... I will keep checking to see what is in my area.

Thank you thank you all again. x

LostGuy

I can't tell you how many mornings my AW said that (well, first she would wonder why I was upset, then once I filled her in on all the things she yelled at me the night before she would say that). He and his parents are being absurd if they think this is an excuse. You still have to hear it and it's still abusive.

SugarLily

Ding ding ding! Yes - he'd never remember. I'd recap what he has said and he would look genuinly sorry then expect to just sweep it under the rug and forget whatever was said.


I just sometimes feel that I am being harsher on him than I have been with other alcoholics in my life. My mum had a really bad spell for about two years when she was going through my parents divorce, I'd find her asleep on the floor, and miraculously on the toilet! Fancy that - thats a skill!

But with my mum, I was always there to listen and talk. I'd take her to bed and leave her water and give her a kiss and tell her I love her. She got through that hard time.

I wonder am I being unfair on turning my back to him. But then - whilst my mum had her problems with drink - she did not shout or act in the frightful way that he did.

Each comment on here really helps.

I've been reading other threads but don't yet feel I can advise anyone or help seeing as I'm still struggling with my feelings.

Lilyflower

Hmmm, yeah at first, but after a while, he stopped apologising

Lily xxxxx

best

How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
You can also call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday thru Friday, 8 am – 6 pm ET. for meeting information in Canada and the US.

SugarLily

I remember speaking to you beforehand Lilyflower, can I ask - how are you doing?

Thanks Best - I'm in the UK, I've taken a look at the site and there are a few meetings around. Not directly in my town but close enough to travel too.

best

He makes choice. Choices have consequences.

Are you turning your back on him or are his choices having you react?

He is making choices is the answer.