Why do they beg to stay?
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
When I found Al-Anon and the "tool bag" (Love that Best) it helped to create less drama in my life not only with and because of the A's in my life. It helped me to live my life the way it was meant to be lived for ME!
I do hope that you find yourself to a meeting and start a journey filled with peace and serenity for YOU!
Sugar
I do hope that you find yourself to a meeting and start a journey filled with peace and serenity for YOU!
Sugar
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by best 
He makes choice. Choices have consequences.
Are you turning your back on him or are his choices having you react?
He is making choices is the answer.
Are you turning your back on him or are his choices having you react?
He is making choices is the answer.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Originally Posted by cagefree
When children misbehave and misbehave after you count to three and they know they're about to go to the "naughty mat"...do they not beg for another chance?
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by SugarLily
I remember speaking to you beforehand Lilyflower, can I ask - how are you doing?.
I understand your situation with the ex- I spent very little time socialising with friends because of feeling ashamed of my home life, not having much cash to go out, feeling depressed etc. I remember one time after a row with my mum, he was all supportive and then not long after when he was in a bitter mood, he told me that no one wanted to be near me because I was a constant moaner and a nag, thats why my mum had fell out with me and why I didn't have any friends. I never did get an apology for that.
It was hard when we shared the house but weren't together. He would try cuddling up to me, pretty much forcing me to cuddle him when it was over, he would try the 'I still love you, I'm working on my drinking' line, he would ignore me and get trashed and would try the shouting verbal abuse at me, how I was cruel for kicking him out, he had no where to go, no money etc.
I remember one day, trying to get him to understand how I was carrying him financially. He tried to tell me I wasn't cause he hardly ate! He forgot about the council tax, the electricity he used when I was at work etc. Typical.
I still speak to him from time to time, it is easier to deal with him now I have space. He moved up to Scotland to stay with his dad, who has been carrying him since. Not long ago he asked me to sell my house and buy one in Scotland because he says it is lovely up there. I knew though he was asking for that because he still hadn't found work or a place to live and his dad is struggling financially himself right now. He saw me as a quick solution for him. He still hasn't changed.
I'm enjoying my space though. I have pretty much all my debts sorted out. Still one or two, but I know that I will get there. I have completely mucked out the house. All his stuff is stored and I finally have the space Iwanted for my music.
I feel so good about my space I even invited my parents to dinner yesterday and cooked for them! They hadn't come inside my house for over a year. My happiness is increased and my stress levels are down! I even see the improvement in my daughter who laughs and giggles much more now, she seems so much more free than she was.
I know that in time, you will feel the benefits too. Just concentrate on getting your finances separated again and you will be free of it all. Can you block his calls and deal with him by email or something? I don't have a call ID on my phone, so I've told all my family and close friends my 'code'. When they call, they let my phone ring for a bit, then hang up and call back. Then I answer the phone. This way I know the only people I will be talking to are those who give me joy and peace in my life and not stress! Its a great system, works for people chasing for bills and anyone trying to sell you something! They all get to leave me voice mail or write to me, and I deal with them in my own time.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Thank you for taking the time to reply Lilyflower, so many things in your post could have been written by myslf its actually really scary. If you hadn't said he'd moved to Scotland I would have been suspicious he was the same person! You aren't too far away from me either.
I couldn't cope with carrying him anymore, he wouldn't even do housework when he was in all day and had ''friends'' around nearly all the time. Then there was all the mental and verbal abuse.
This for example was so true. He was so used to being cared and waited on at home that when we moved in together I guess he assumed I would be his replacement mum. And the carrying - oh my god how I can relate to that. He was never in a steady job. There was a period of time when he was out of workfor 6 mths, I took on a 2nd job on top of my own. I'd finish get home at 6pm, have a bite to eat get changed for the god awful 2nd job and then not return till 11pm. I'd get home to find he was in the pub. The house was a mess, I couldn't believe it. I'd been working 70 hour weeks just to keep us standing yet he'd run to the pub and probably spend what ever I earned in those evening shifts. I couldn't believe someone who "loved" me could treat me that way.
I understand your situation with the ex- I spent very little time socialising with friends because of feeling ashamed of my home life, not having much cash to go out, feeling depressed etc. I remember one time after a row with my mum, he was all supportive and then not long after when he was in a bitter mood, he told me that no one wanted to be near me because I was a constant moaner and a nag, thats why my mum had fell out with me and why I didn't have any friends. I never did get an apology for that.
And this whole paragraph too. I never went out because I couldn't afford to, I'd never be able to treat myself to a nice outfit or to even get my hair done at the hairdressers. I used to be so confident before him but now I sacrificed all that because we were poor. I'd never once even been overdrawn before him - now it was usual to have final demands - my credit is shot. And what you mention about the row with your mum completely echoes the way he would manipulate me, he'd use my weaknesses against me.
I remember another time after a late night, he came home drunk rowing that he had lost weight because there was never any decent food in the house, I interrupted to say well he shouldn't have spent it down the pub. He picked up the glass weighing scales my mum had bought and threw them outside on the concrete. I just sat there shocked at who he had become. I'd buy posters of the breed of our dog to cover over the holes in the doors that he'd punched and not invite people over. He threw my phone against a wall another night, oh and one other night he came home late. I hid the remote because I was fed up of being kept awake when I had work early. He retaliaed by throwing the tv accross the room and ripping the bedsheets off my body and the pillow from beneath my head.
Writing this down is really embarrassing and painful, its crossed my mind to now delete it but I need to face up to facts. And every harsh comment I get in return for living with this I will accept.
Seeing as I am on a roll I will admit the most stupid thing I ever did... Another night he was out late, I was crying, I was inconsolable. I know this is stupid but I wanted him to see just how bad I was hurting, I cut my leg. It wasn't deep though I still bear the scar.
Yes I know.
Well I left a note to explain why, expecting remorse but all I got was him screaming at me that I am f-ing crazy and he will tell my mum just how messed up I was. I think I realised there and then just how low I had sunk,just how much I had changed. But still I struggled on.
I saw a psychic the other month, I don't know how much I believe in them but she told me that I was walking around with grey cloud over my head. I have no self esteem and need to get away. I started crying.
Now when I think of all that happened I am mad, I'm furious, I didn't deserve it and I am damned if I will ever let anyone make me feel this way about myself ever again.
I really didn't mean to write a War & Peace, but I felt comfortable opening up.
Please pm me if you ever feel the need, or when you think of something that may help. Just reading your post has helped so much.
I couldn't cope with carrying him anymore, he wouldn't even do housework when he was in all day and had ''friends'' around nearly all the time. Then there was all the mental and verbal abuse.
This for example was so true. He was so used to being cared and waited on at home that when we moved in together I guess he assumed I would be his replacement mum. And the carrying - oh my god how I can relate to that. He was never in a steady job. There was a period of time when he was out of workfor 6 mths, I took on a 2nd job on top of my own. I'd finish get home at 6pm, have a bite to eat get changed for the god awful 2nd job and then not return till 11pm. I'd get home to find he was in the pub. The house was a mess, I couldn't believe it. I'd been working 70 hour weeks just to keep us standing yet he'd run to the pub and probably spend what ever I earned in those evening shifts. I couldn't believe someone who "loved" me could treat me that way.
I understand your situation with the ex- I spent very little time socialising with friends because of feeling ashamed of my home life, not having much cash to go out, feeling depressed etc. I remember one time after a row with my mum, he was all supportive and then not long after when he was in a bitter mood, he told me that no one wanted to be near me because I was a constant moaner and a nag, thats why my mum had fell out with me and why I didn't have any friends. I never did get an apology for that.
And this whole paragraph too. I never went out because I couldn't afford to, I'd never be able to treat myself to a nice outfit or to even get my hair done at the hairdressers. I used to be so confident before him but now I sacrificed all that because we were poor. I'd never once even been overdrawn before him - now it was usual to have final demands - my credit is shot. And what you mention about the row with your mum completely echoes the way he would manipulate me, he'd use my weaknesses against me.
I remember another time after a late night, he came home drunk rowing that he had lost weight because there was never any decent food in the house, I interrupted to say well he shouldn't have spent it down the pub. He picked up the glass weighing scales my mum had bought and threw them outside on the concrete. I just sat there shocked at who he had become. I'd buy posters of the breed of our dog to cover over the holes in the doors that he'd punched and not invite people over. He threw my phone against a wall another night, oh and one other night he came home late. I hid the remote because I was fed up of being kept awake when I had work early. He retaliaed by throwing the tv accross the room and ripping the bedsheets off my body and the pillow from beneath my head.
Writing this down is really embarrassing and painful, its crossed my mind to now delete it but I need to face up to facts. And every harsh comment I get in return for living with this I will accept.
Seeing as I am on a roll I will admit the most stupid thing I ever did... Another night he was out late, I was crying, I was inconsolable. I know this is stupid but I wanted him to see just how bad I was hurting, I cut my leg. It wasn't deep though I still bear the scar.
Yes I know.
Well I left a note to explain why, expecting remorse but all I got was him screaming at me that I am f-ing crazy and he will tell my mum just how messed up I was. I think I realised there and then just how low I had sunk,just how much I had changed. But still I struggled on.
I saw a psychic the other month, I don't know how much I believe in them but she told me that I was walking around with grey cloud over my head. I have no self esteem and need to get away. I started crying.
Now when I think of all that happened I am mad, I'm furious, I didn't deserve it and I am damned if I will ever let anyone make me feel this way about myself ever again.
I really didn't mean to write a War & Peace, but I felt comfortable opening up.
Please pm me if you ever feel the need, or when you think of something that may help. Just reading your post has helped so much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
I've said a whole lot of stuff here that I have never told anyone.
It would be helpfull to me at least to hear something positive come out of it, I need your help in a sense, I know I'm right for leaving - but still - all the pushes have helped me so much. I'm still seeking guidance though and for that I don't know what.
Just to know it will get easier I guess?
All I know is I beared my soul in this thread - but I also think better things will be in the future. I dearly hope so
It would be helpfull to me at least to hear something positive come out of it, I need your help in a sense, I know I'm right for leaving - but still - all the pushes have helped me so much. I'm still seeking guidance though and for that I don't know what.
Just to know it will get easier I guess?
All I know is I beared my soul in this thread - but I also think better things will be in the future. I dearly hope so
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Part of my recovery (one of the hardest parts) was getting completely honest with myself. It hurt that I didn't like who I had become, but it helped strengthen my determination to change.
It seems you have taken some big steps in that direction in this thread. I just wanted to cheer you on.
L
It seems you have taken some big steps in that direction in this thread. I just wanted to cheer you on.
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
This has got to be one of the healthiest things you've done for yourself, sweetie. It's so great that you are looking honestly at where you are right now, what you don't like about it, and that there is a real possibility for changing YOUR life, for regaining the person you want to be. Keep it up. I'm cheering you on too, sister.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Part of my recovery (one of the hardest parts) was getting completely honest with myself. It hurt that I didn't like who I had become, but it helped strengthen my determination to change.
It seems you have taken some big steps in that direction in this thread. I just wanted to cheer you on.
L
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
sugarlily, its was when I began being truly honest with myself that I began recovery. Its hard. Its uncomfortable. But it can indeed lead to personal growth which can then lead to happiness regardless of what life thrwos your way. I too think this was a huge, important step for you. (hugs)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Barbara52
sugarlily, its was when I began being truly honest with myself that I began recovery. Its hard. Its uncomfortable. But it can indeed lead to personal growth which can then lead to happiness regardless of what life thrwos your way. I too think this was a huge, important step for you. (hugs)
I don't know if that reflects on my childhood.
Thank you x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by SugarLily
Barbara thank you for your message, many times I would hide what was happening. My mum knew he was aggressive when drunk but not to the extent I had experienced. It is uncomfortable I agree, I have to admit that all those years when I swore I was ok I really wasn't.
I don't know if that reflects on my childhood.
Thank you x
I don't know if that reflects on my childhood.
Thank you x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Barbara52
I too hid everything wrong in my marriage. And I have come to learn that part of the reason why is having grown up in an alcoholic household (both my parents were alcoholics). I learned very well the lesson that "things" are just not talked about. To anyone. Ever. It is hard unlearning those lessons but well worth the pain and effort to get to a healthier way of dealing with the world in general and in relationships in particular.
I don't know if this has any bearing on my life but my brother (not my fathers son) was raped by a man at 16. It left him traumatised and I don't know if this is why he developed it but he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia soon after.
I could go on for pages how I felt but often I wonder, is it because I needed my parents love that I ended up so co dependent? I don't think I will ever know.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
SugarLily, sorry I haven't replied. One thing about me and this forum, I can only acess it at work so sometimes I don't get to log on as much as I'd like to. Having a quite day today though!
I will drop you a pm, but I just wanted to let you know that sharing those things, your pain and trauma, I applaude you for that. You are very couragous! I too have had some pretty bad bouts with the ex.
The TV senario brought back memories! Once I wanted to watch something he didn't, I think I may have posted about it actually, anyway, he wasn't going to 'allow' me to. I had just started standing up for myself and stood my ground. He pulled the scart lead out of the TV and disappeared upostairs to the other TV. When I went and got another lead, he came back down and took that one too. My daughter witnessed the whole thing. We ended up putting music on and dancing, I was so determined he wasn't going to make me feel worthless.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxx
I will drop you a pm, but I just wanted to let you know that sharing those things, your pain and trauma, I applaude you for that. You are very couragous! I too have had some pretty bad bouts with the ex.
The TV senario brought back memories! Once I wanted to watch something he didn't, I think I may have posted about it actually, anyway, he wasn't going to 'allow' me to. I had just started standing up for myself and stood my ground. He pulled the scart lead out of the TV and disappeared upostairs to the other TV. When I went and got another lead, he came back down and took that one too. My daughter witnessed the whole thing. We ended up putting music on and dancing, I was so determined he wasn't going to make me feel worthless.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Thanks
I still cringe that I opened up about all that. By not sharing it makes it seem less real in an odd way. The stupid thing is I began being able to seperate the drunk him and the sober him. Much in the same way as his family continue to do.
I'm not going to excuse anothers behaviour for making me feel so upset / scared and shocked.
It got normal to see him the next day and he'd be back to himself, nice, funny..... I actually thought I was going mad and perhaps imagined it all!
Thats heartwarming to hear you and your daughter dancing and not letting it get to you.
Just got your pm. x
I still cringe that I opened up about all that. By not sharing it makes it seem less real in an odd way. The stupid thing is I began being able to seperate the drunk him and the sober him. Much in the same way as his family continue to do.
I'm not going to excuse anothers behaviour for making me feel so upset / scared and shocked.
It got normal to see him the next day and he'd be back to himself, nice, funny..... I actually thought I was going mad and perhaps imagined it all!
Thats heartwarming to hear you and your daughter dancing and not letting it get to you.
Just got your pm. x
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