QueenOfCyprus

Hi everyone, its been a while - wanted to jump back in and see if anybody here has gone through this pickle I am in with my soon-to-be-ex-AH.

We are separated, will be divorcing. He says he has been going to meetings and "doing the steps" - no proof of this but whatever. He tells me a few weeks ago that he needs to talk with me to do to his Step 8&9 - make amends. I tell him I am not in any emotional place to deal with this right now, perhaps in a few months or so I can be a little more understanding, open to listening. Then he launches into this explanation about how even if I won't listen, he needs to "testify" and do this for his recovery, blah blah blah...

Here's the rub - instead of being elated about how he is going to apologize, I am furious with him for being so selfish yet again. Perhaps in a while the hurt will start to heal, but right now listening to him preach the 12 steps and tell me how this is "important for HIS recovery" just makes me even madder.

Am I crazy? It isn't that I don't want him to get a handle on his life (our marriage is over, but he still needs to be a good father) - but I keep thinking "Just for once can all of this NOT be about all of your problems, all of your needs, all about YOU??!!" Can't he just give me some space until I've recovered emotionally a little? He's been so insistent about this discussion - it feels like I am being manipulated once again - emotionally eviscerated so he can make a little checkmark next to #8 and #9 and feel better about himself.

Don't want him back, but don't want to be angry with him forever - just want him to leave me alone for awhile to recoup a little. Really don't want to slip back into old codie habits and let the entire world revolve around his problems - but want to be a decent human being. If he was really sincere about these amends, would he insist on performing them when the other person wasn't ready?


Have any of you been through this with a spouse, a parent or a friend? What did you do? How did it turn out? Any advice??

hadenoughnow

You are not crazy, he is not respecting your boundaries.

Bernadette

"I tell him I am not in any emotional place to deal with this right now, perhaps in a few months or so I can be a little more understanding, open to listening. Then he launches into this explanation about how even if I won't listen, he needs to "testify" and do this for his recovery, blah blah blah..."

That's baloney!
Step 9:
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Forcing you to accept his apology on his timetable IS NOT what the 9th step is about. His sponsor could tell him that. If he has made it HONESTLY all the way to step 9 he should be a recognizably DIFFERENT human being, who would not try to bully anyone into anything. Seriously, how many years is he into recovery that he is doing step 9?? Doing it to feel better about himself is so far off the mark! That's not making amends at all!!!!!!

You're not crazy. You're plain sane! You sound like you're doing an excellent job and your thinking is right on! Keep the focus on you. Don't get sucked into his drama.
Peace--
B.

Barbara52

I agree with the others. He is out of line in his attempts to "make amends" and obviously doesn't get it. Stay strong and say/do what you need for yourself.

CatsPajamas

It's been my experience that some in recovery try to work those steps a bit too quickly~ as though once they race thru them they will somehow be released from their own emotional pain and magically forgiven for their wrongdoings.

It's also been my experience that the "racing thru the steps" plan doesn't work very well. I was on the receiving end of some of those too quick amends. It was ugly and very counter-productive.

You are under NO obligation to listen to those amends. As Bernadette said, that last part of Step 9 is incredibly important - EXCEPT when to do so would injure them or others.

Hopefully your A will realize he needs to talk this over with his sponsor. Again, you can firmly establish your boundaries and just say NO.

Hugs
Cats

steve11694

or you could just give him a pre-defined time frame and listen, or pretend to listen. he might actually have decent things to say. the you move on with life and let whatever he said soak in or soak out

cagefree

AMEN

Yeah, that sounds harsh - but he doesn't need to say words in front of you to make amends.

QueenOfCyprus

Thank you all so much for all of your advice and support! Part of the codie recovery is listening to gut feelings and not always trying to be the peacemaker - some things are meant to be angry at for awhile!

In response to Bernadette, STBXAH is been in "recovery" since January (yes, this January...) And other than supposedly not drinking, his other excessive behaviors (smoking, binge eating, overspending, ignoring bills, etc...) have not wavered in the least. He is still a drunk - perhaps dry - but still an addict. This rush through recovery is to prove to his family and friends that he is wonderful and that I am a jerk for not taking him back (his best friend's assessment, not mine.)
Anvilhead - The Tale of the Wayward Lawnmower is quite a saga. I'm surprised your incredibly patient neighbor didn't booby trap the lawnmower just to see what would happen next time. At the very least call the police the third time the mower disappeared!

cagefree

Thanks for the story anvilhead - I had my house broken into last year and the police told me it was addicts. They never caught them and they only got my laptop and some crappy jewelry, but the jewelry was housed in my deceased grandmother's jewelry box - one of the few things of hers I still have (or had). It's probably sitting in some landfill by now. It's not worth much in money but everything in personal value.

If the police caught them I'd have the same feelings as the person in your story - go to jail and leave me alone!