LivingInMyHead

I have been reading threads on SR for about a year now and it has helped me immensely just by allowing me to see that I'm not the only person suffering with an alcoholic family member. For years, I felt so alone and was in such denial about my AH's drinking. I wouldn't talk to anyone about it. For the past 3 years I have been actively thinking and working on leaving. I've saved money, retained an attorney, been in therapy for 18 months, and even asked my AH for a divorce with a separation agreement already prepared. But, it's the follow through that gets me. I wonder how many times I will buy his stories that he will change, this time. I know this time isn't any different from the time before or the time before that . . . but I just feel so spent sometimes. Shouldn't it have been enough for me the times that he has driven drunk with our children in the car or the times that he has screamed profanities at me in the middle of the night while our children were asleep in their beds. When will I ever get it? I've gone through all of the motions - why won't he leave? He has agreed that I can have the house in the divorce but he won't sign the papers and he won't move out. He just stays thinking that I'll eventually give in, because that's what I've always done. I know that the other option is for the children and me to move, but I don't want them to be displaced and have to move from their home because he's being pigheaded! Our divorce will be difficult enough for them! Any thoughts?

Barbara52

When you have had enough, you will act. Apparently you haven't reached that point yet.

LostGuy

Living, I am so sorry you are in this position. I admit to being filled with more than my share of bitterness at the position our alcoholic spouses put us in. We shouldn't have to be the ones to worry about holding things together, we shouldn't be the ones who are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and cause chaos in our lives because of our spouses action, chaos that we will inevitably have to clean up, and ultimately, we shouldn't have to be the ones to uproot our lives and leave. I guess it is all part of the whole sick situation. If they were being rational or were thinking about the best interests of those that love them (in this case your kids, not to mention you!!), we wouldn't be in this position of having to leave in the first place.

Serenity8

I am in the same.exact.situation and the more I read threads like these, the more I realize I am going to have to file for divorce and put the house up for sale, and actually sell the house and move everything out to get him to actually move out.

I don't know what it is that makes them not understand that what they are doing is really screwing up our lives and the lives of our children. He tramples every boundary I have ever set for him, though, but I am getting tougher - much, much tougher.

Hang in there.

LivingInMyHead

I'm afraid that I too may have to resort to moving my kids and me out before it's all said and done. I just really hate the thought of it - for them. I want to make the transition as smooth as possible for my children. They are my primary focus. I'm not too concerned about myself anymore. I think I'm prepared for the pain and the loneliness, since I've been pretty much experiencing those feelings for months now. He may physically still be in the home, but emotionally and supportively he's been gone for along time.

QueenOfCyprus

Living - went through what you are in last year. I didn't want to uproot my kids and make them suffer because he was out of control.
So finally I told him this:
We are not going to live in the same house anymore. Your behaviors are out of control and dangerous to me and the kids. So here are your options - a.)you can move out and live with your sister while we officially end this marriage or b.) I'll move out and then you'll have to still pay all of the bills for this house AND come up with $1400 a month in child and spousal support. Your Choice.
Guess what he chose?
Hang tough, you'll get there!

hadenoughnow

I told my STBX that either he could leave voluntarily or a judge would tell him to leave. I filed for a restraining order hearing at the same time I filed for the divorce and told him that if I did not see a signed lease within 14 days that he would be explaining his drinking and other behavior issues to a judge. He did find a place fairly quickly but dragged his feet on actually leaving, it was not easy but I have not regretted it for even one minute.

Our divorce will be final next month and he is JUST NOW accepting that he is NEVER coming back here to live.

Barbara52

It is difficult when there are kids in the picture. I think though that in the vast majority of cases kids adjust well with time no matter what route you end up taking. Kids are very resilient. And with any necessary support thru individual or family therapy, they can thrive when out of the alcoholic household no matter how it is done.

Hikeon

He stays because to leave would mean effort on his part and an adult attitude about himself and the situation, which he doesn't have. It's easier to have you upset about everything than it is for him to alter how he lives.

prodigal

So he's betting on a fairly sure thing. He won't budge because he doesn't have to. A's don't put much effort into anything, whether it's moving, putting effort into relationships (unless they're with drinking buddies), working, handling finances.

You've always given in. It's inconvenient for him to move. It's inconvenient for you to move. Guess either (1) somebody will move; or, (2) you'll live together in this stalemate.

AWEDA

I know your pain. I thought I could never leave.
I didn't want to take my children from their home,but at the same time they were miserable living there with their Dad.
One day I just started looking in the paper for apts.
Soon enough the perfect one came and I went to look at it.
We were moved in 5 weeks later.
There is alot more to the story,but I can tell you my kids are happier now than they ever were living with Dad.
I know it is difficult,I was lucky enough to have everything fall into place.
Good Luck I wish you and your children the best.

freeflower

I asked my ah to leave as well and he said no so i finally did. I'm in my new place feeling quite alone but I also felt alone at home too so ....it took me 20 years to make this move and every doubt you have ,I have had too... I stayed way too long because of my children. They have been grown and gone now for 5 years and I just moved last weekend...time flies by so fast, don't let time eat up your life

LivingInMyHead

Thanks for your responses - I now feel more hopeful and positive about the prospects, even if I am the one that must bite the bullet and leave with the kids in the end. I will continue to work on myself and before too much longer I feel confident that I will be ready to push my way forward.

nowwhat

I couldn't get my XAH to leave either. Finally I left, with the kids (3), the dog, and the cat. It was worth it. Now our old house is for sale, and whenever I go into it, I end up feeling very overwhelmed and shaky.

I'm glad I got to start my life over again in a new house, and I'm glad for my kids, too. Even though it is disruptive and difficult, there is something about having a fresh space without all of the "demons" that still live at the other one.

Good luck, this is a very hard time for you. IF you leave, you will feel better and better with time. I don't know how staying works, but for me leaving was my chance at regaining sanity.

lillianrivers

I know this feeling well. I want what is best for the kids, first and foremost, but I'm in no position to be doing this alone right now. Granted, he's not working and neither am I, but it's hard enough as it is, not to mention attempting to do it alone!

I wish I had the option of moving to a new house to escape the "demons" here, but agreeing to buy a house with your mom that you "share" puts a damper on that idea. I will always hate this house because I know my AH cheated at least once here, in my bathroom even. Guess I shouldn't complain, could've been my bed, but still I think of that everytime I go in there. (And he wonders why, two years after finding out, I STILL won't mess around in the shower with him!)

I'm so tired of feeling alone, dispondant, and like I'm living my life and going through the motions of daily living like I'm having some type of outer body experience. I'm not even sure I know who I am anymore or what I like or what I want to do.

baileyboop

The relationship between my AH and children was amazingly good. AH rarely drank at home. He chose to create "out of town business trips" to do his deeds. My children were still affected though by the tension between Dad and I when he was home. Our relationship eroded steadily over time. While he was a "good Dad" with his relationship with our daughters, he was a crappy Dad as far as finances and legal troubles. About once a year, we would have a crisis-either a DWI, wrecks, serious binges requiring treatment, ect. I stayed as long as I did for our girls. I now realize that he can still be as good as a Dad out of the home as he is in the home, if he so chooses. I know I am a better Mom with him out of the home. I feel like our kids will adjust fine in time. I am at peace with my decisions.

splendra

I really like what Queen said. Is something like this an option for you?

lillianrivers

While I have no doubts that your XAH would ever intentionally put your children in harms way, how do you get past the fear of watching him take them and not know what is or can happen? I mean...even if he doesn't, at this point, drink or be drunk while he has them, what happens if one day he does? Sorry, I'm one of those what-if people. LOL!

I didn't used to be this bad until my daughter got molested while on a regular weekend visit with my ex-husband. He is a "self-proclaimed and proud" alcoholic. Despite my requests that he not drink around the kids or while he had them (FOUR days a month!), he still drank and had a party while our kids were there and our daughter is now forever changed.

I think about that, and then the wreck that my AH had a few weeks ago, because he was drunk and I had pissed him off. He rolled his truck five times for God's sake! How can I leave and then watch him take our kids and not know? My doctor won't prescribe anti-anxiety pills to me for something like that, but there is NO way I could handle it. I'd be sitting by the phone all weekend, waiting for a call from the hospital, cops, or whoever. And I know my AH would never intentionally hurt our kids, but I do see how thoughtless and careless he can be, only to say "what happened?" when it was all said and done (i.e. the wreck).