loner1968

Hi all,
I have been using this forum as a tool to help me understand what my XAB was/is going through and why he did the things he did to me. I have learned so much here and reading the posts of others has opened my eyes to something I thought I already knew...my codependency. As an ACA, and the XG of an alcoholic, drug addicted child in a man's body, I never really "got" the whole codependent theory. Some of it I still question but I am quite sure that I have been in denial. I have only recently started feeling guilt for the part I played in my XAB's problem. I dont think I wanted to deal with it but learning about codie behavior I can no longer ignore this. After three years of trying to understand what he did to me I now have to deal with the fact that I damaged him as well! We dont speak and I feel that we will never be able to. He is not in any place where he can understand anyway. I hear from friends that He's worse than he was when he was with me. One problem I have had with this is that I HATE the woman he is with because of the simple fact that she is a worse enabler to him than I ever was. I know how she is carrying him and how he is just rotting away under her "care" I know this is a mis-placed feeling or thought but I'm not sure what to do with it. I don't even dislike her for being his GF. I hate her for helping him kill himself. A few months before he left me I was starting to tell him "no" and not giving into his crap because I knew it was wrong and as hard as It was not to help him I was trying to make him stand on his own. I think back and I wonder if this is one reason why he left after so many years. Anyway, I wonder what to do with this feeling of wanting to gouge her eyes out!! I should NOT be feeling these feelings after all this time. I want to be able to stop thinking about him. This is hard and If codies are as sick as addicts then its no wonder he would rather be there and living in hell than trying to get help. Any comments?

SugarLily

"I hear from friends that He's worse than he was when he was with me."

I worry about this myself lonestar.

But I just had a thought .... he had a life before me, he will have a life after me also. Much the same way I managed very well before I got involved with him. The future looks scary but we can carry on right?

I am wishing you well.

What is hard is letting go.

loner1968

Anvilhead,
thanks for the reply. I have been on no contact for about 7 months. I just can't see talking to him when he has someone else. There is nothing for us to talk about. He was just fine with me being on the side lines and talking to him when he said it was ok. He was trying "keep the peace" in his home with her and still have me. I said no thanks, that it was dishonest and that i would not be a part of it. He decided he was better off with her because I made his life "too hard".
I have been thinking about alanon and have been in the past but i feel panicky when I think about going. I know I will cry and feel all the old stuff. I do speak as though I have the victim mentality but I am learning that He didnt do anything "to me". He did what he did and I stayed in the way. I still have feelings for him but they are more along the lines of wanting him to be ok. Just like always. I know now that there is nothing I can do and All I can do is pray that he doesnt get killed in a fight or something stupid. I even go so far as to think about how it would be if he did die and how I would not even be able to go to his funeral because of her! I dont like the victim mentality and I am trying to take care of myself. Sometimes things are clear to me and most of the time i fall right back into being the one who got s--t on. I'm trying though and this forum has helped.
thanks alot