SugarLily

I haven't posted here for a while. I had previously mentioned how my partner of 5 years had continually become aggressive when drunk. He'd smash doors if he didn't get his own way. After numerous "I will change" conversations and always feeling like such a fool when it didn't, After finally calling the police the last time he was in a rage. I told him it was over.

It still is over. But I feel so alone.

I live alone in my Dads house as he works abroad and my mum moved out when they divorced. The evenings and mornings are terrible. I'm sat here now and I just want a hug.

I also can't seem to stop crying. A little thing like seeing a happy couple shopping the other day - the girl heavily pregnant - them both smiling, it set me off and I burst into tears.

I've started to feel angry - angry at him, why did everything have to be ruined for the sake of his pub? I wanted to be a young mum. I still am young - I'm 25. I know I can find someone else and I will. I just really wanted it to be him. The sober him.

God its so annoying - I hate him yet I miss him. I miss the smell of his hair gel and the way he laughed. In punishing him I feel like I'm punishing myself also.

Sorry for rambling I just feel so blue.

Barbara52

Yes, it does get easier and better. But it takes time and patience with yourself. You are mourning a very real loss. That takes time. {hugs}

SugarLily

Thanks Barbara

Some days I'm fine, I feel strong then others I can't help thinking "what could have been". I think I feel this low today as it was a bank holiday here, tomorrow is my first day bck at work and I get anxious and I don't know what.

It doesn't help that te ex was in touch today, saying how sorry he was and "Can we give it one more go..." I've done that far too many times and each time I am left more heartbroken and dissapointed.

Thank you for your words x

LaTeeDa

Well, if you did what you did to punish him, no wonder you feel bad.

I have found that my life circumstances aren't really what determine my happiness or lack thereof. It's more about my perspective.

Try looking at it a different way. You've done a very brave thing by setting your standards high for yourself and your future children. You may have saved yourself years of heartache and disappointment. It's perfectly okay to grieve what might have been, but don't forget to be grateful for what is and look forward with excitement to what may yet be.

Life is an adventure waiting for you to take it!

Sometimes it requires help to change your perspective. A wonderful counselor helped me.

L

loner1968

hi sugarlily,
I'm sorry you are feeling this way but you need to feel it. Its hard and scary but you will be ok. Everytime I felt it I would tell myself that it was better to try to "work it out" than to feel the pain of breaking up and being alone. Its normal to go up and down like that. I just want to say that unless he gets real help "another go" is going to end up the same way.I know how tempting it can be to want to believe them but you can't. You really can't. Now you need help too because you are sick from this. It took me a long time but I am finally seeing how my XAB's addictions caused me to be sick as well. You want to be sure that your children have a father that isnt going to hurt and frighten them. Please consider telling him NO on another go.

lexusgirl

((((SugarLily))))

I'm feeling the same way. Moving for me sorta knocked me into reality, and I realize it's over for good. I'm sad, mad and then two hours later I run the gament of emotions all over again. They say it's part of the grieving process.

Time is the key I think. Hang in there.

SugarLily

Thank you.

Yes I know I can't. I think I went past that point a long time ago but I keep wanting to help. I understand what I am describing may be co dependancy issues.

I just argh - I really hate him for what he has done, but also I would so love to not have to go to sleep alone with my thoughts again. I would love a huge hug. But I know that hug would be one of empty promises, that will be brokenas they always are.

I'm really finding it difficult being alone in this huge house that once had all my family in it. I have friends, one came over the other night to talk with me and I felt a lot better, till the next day when she left.

SugarLily

Exactly how I feel! I am so sorry you are experiencing it also.

I guess it is grieving.

I don't want to be in another relationship, I think I'd be too scared of feeling this way all over again.

I also wonder how I will fel when / if I find out he has someone else. I think that will crush me.

But yeah - more and more I am feeling anger and dissapointment.

SugarLily

Your post was very helpful.

I guess my wording may have been off there. Not that I have done anything to punish him, but I feel real guilt over leaving him. Again - I guess thats the codependancy.

lexusgirl

I too am starting to worry about this. I guess in time too, this will subside and eventually disappear. I know in past relationships I have felt this way too, and within a year or 9 months if and when my x moved on I had no feelings left and didn't feel anything if he was involved with someone else.

I have to keep reminding myself of this.

SugarLily

Whats going to be very difficult is that his sister is one of my closest friends. I met him through her - So I know in the future I will continually hear about him / see him at her wedding, her baby's christening....

Do I have to cut her from my life to free myself from my feelings for him?

Knowing just how volatile our relationship has made her feel very awkward, I think she felt embarrassment. I'd avoid calling her when feeling depressed as I didn't want to get between siblings.

The whole thing is just a headache. It really is.

Thank you all very much for your comments, I'm going to sleep now, I feel I will actually sleep better after reading. I've been reading other threads too which have been a help, I wish I could only be helpful in offering great advice as you all do.

Thanks for listening / reading. xx

SugarLily

Oh and Lexus - I only just clocked your signature. How very true.

Barbara52

Heck my STBXAH started moving on to another woman within 3 months of my leaving and is now madly in love and talking marriage with a woman he only knows by phone and internet. He can't stand to be alone and sure can't deal with a woman in the real world since she would then be more likely to see the truth. Heck, for all I know she will be the love of his life. More power to them.

But regardless, it doesn't mean any thing about why I left, who I am, and where I am going.

CAPTAINZING2000

I was a drunk sob. Take away the booze, i was still an sob. I had to change who I was to be a good person.

What ever problems a person has buried beneath the surface come rising to the top after drinking.

Getting sober and going to meetings , I've opened up and have a healthy outlet to get rid of what's bothering me and to get a feedback of what to do to help me thru anything I'm experiencing!

wish he'd quit

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.Your post has given me more inspiration than you know. I have not left my husband yet but Im working on it. For the longest time I felt alone. He may still live here but I might as well be alone. I am finding that getting out and doing things where I meet new people has helped me immensly. Some gals from my class have become my new support group. We talk on a daily basis. Surrounding myself with the people that make me happy is what has become my saving grace. I'd be completely lost with out them.

SugarLily

Yes, I have to remind myself of this too. When he was here, was he really here? When drinking - no he wasn't. I lost coun't of the times I'd driven to the pub to beg him to come home only to drive away crying after he told me to go.

Makes me feel stupid when I read what I've typed.


Hmm.

I would still love a hug though, took me so long to get out of bed this morning. I'm considering seeing my doctor as I do feel very down. But part of me feels like an idiot and thinks I just need a slap round my head to tell me to stop being so pathetic.

cagefree

Hug yourself, don't beat yourself up You are your biggest ally and your greatest protector.

With every decision you make for the good of you, from here on out - you give yourself a big hug. :ghug3

lillianrivers

I hate thinking about leaving my AH for general principle alone, but also due to the thought of ever having another relationship. My AH was my best friend and knew everything about me, but loved me anyways. I can never reveal that much about myself to another man again, and I have some crazy ass stuff in my past too. I can't imagine trying to hide it, cause I am such an honest person, but telling someone and watching them run for the hills makes me realize that if I leave, my life will be long and lonely.

CAPTAINZING2000

Life is what it is

Ups and downs

Sometimes, I have to pinch myself it's so good. Some days, it doesn't pay to get out of bed. Those kind of days make me more appreciative of my good days.

I e-mail back and forth with a lady that has terminal cancer. No matter what kind of day I'm having, she sends me up lifting things. Talk about keeping it all in perspective.

No one knows for sure, how many trips we get around the sun so, we should grab every thing we can out of each day squeeze every minute out of the day.

Live for today and plan for tomorrow. Make a Bucket List of things you want to do in the future as well.

I was told early on in recovery to get busy living

baileyboop

Hugs to all of you that are feeling blue.