jesd1027

Hello all,

I sit here on a Beautiful Monday afternoon, unable to concentrate, or work for that matter. A few days ago I posted that my AH asked for help. We ended up going out of town and were unable to talk about it in private until last night. When I started to make suggestions, he flew off of the oversensitive handle, so to speak. He told me that he didn't think it was right to badger him especially since it had been 3 days since he had drank. A few weeks ago, he had mentioned that he would see a psychiatrist/psychologist in order to get thru some of his internal issues, and last night I mentioned that I think he should really bump up the search, and find someone sooner rather than later, and he flipped out. He didn't think it was right for me to tell him that he needs help and doesn't understand why I won't support him and tell him how proud of him I am. In my own mind, I am thinking, I understand he is sensitive about this and I am the closest person to him, so I am going to get the brunt of his emotions, which, if he [I]does[I] get help I am prepared to take. I told him that since I am the closest to him, he needs to realize that I am not going to be all rainbows and sunshine with him all the time, and that yes I will be harsh in the best way I know how, but I won't sugar coat anything for him any more. It went down hill from there. He felt that if we were going to be in this honest mode, he would just unload everything on me that has been bothering him, which we do have a honest relationship, or so I thought until he told me he was hiding his drinking, and I knew all of the issues, but I think he just needed to turn it around on me, and I realized it as soon as it started. I totally feel like I am enabling him at this point, even though there is no alcohol in our home, and I am pushing for him to get counseling and go to an AA meeting. I don't know. I guess I just thought he was further into wanting help than he is. I am just really frustrated right now and don't know what direction to go to next. I have started searching for a AL-ALON meeting to attend for myself, but until then... I guess I just bang my head on the wall and pray that he does not drink. Thanks for listening to my rant!

nowinsituation

I would say al-anon is definately the right step. You want to help him, but you can't. Al-anon will help you to take care of yourself. I have been separated from my AH for 6 months now, and I still can't concentrate. It is so hard to accept that we can't fix them; and to try to focus on the only thing we have any control over -- ourselves. It seems to be a very common defense mechanisim for the A's to turn the tables and point out all the problems that "You" have. Maybe even that those problems that "You" have cause him to drink. Don't buy it for a second -- you didn't cause it, you cant cure it, you can't control it. He is the only one that can help himself.

Barbara52

Until he wants to deal with it all, it just ain't gonna happen. Telling him what you think he should do removes his responsibility for himself. Try to focus on yourself and your needs and leave him and his issues to him and your HP.

DaisyBuchanan

Go online and find some doctors in your area. Then, print several of them off. Staple them together and leave them on the table with a note that says you care about him, and you're just trying to help. Make it as sweet as possible, so he won't have any reason to get mad. This way you're helping him, but you're not badgering him. Guys are lazy. Sometimes you just need to get the ball rolling. Good luck. I know exactly what you're going through. My abf is currently trying to find a psychiatrist.

And, remember he's probably cranky because he's going through the "dry drunk" phase. They'll try to blame everything and anything on you because they're craving the alcohol.