littleone

yeasterday I had to work 11-6:15 and I was fine till I got home and the door was locked and I opened it and me and friend went into my room my father came in and asked for a bite of my granola bar and startedto joke around and then he started to ast weird and walked out of my room and he went down to the basement door way and couldn't breath and I said dad are you okay and then he didn't anwer me so I ran to get my mum told her that dad couldn't breath properly and then she got her puffer and it helped him out he was crying and I dont know what to do but then I was alright, my mum told me to tell my friend to go home and that I would see her later and I was fine with that. so I went for a walk and came back after and then when I walked in the door my mum and dad were arguing and then I got my dinner ready so I could eat, and then go and chyll with my friend again and then my dad came up the stairs and started at me telling me that him and mum are going to split up and before that when he was upset he gave my mum the nasty look and said " its all because of you, im losing everything" but other than that he was upstairs talking to me and I started at him and I told him everything and he gave me looks and expressions like he didn't care and I had spilled a lot to him I told him I would rather him smoke weed that drink what he has in his hand and he said, you want me to go to sleep I said no, if u drink and smoke weed then you sleep if you only smoked weed you would be high and not sleeping, I would rather you smoke than drink, I told him he is going to drink him self to death and he made me really upset and I said how would u feel if I died when I was born and how wouldu feel if me and mum died when I was being born and she was giving birth to me and he said he didn't know and I was like ya it would hurt wouldn't it I know it would and I said its just like us losing you from what is in yourhand and he started to get upset and I know that he heard that but he didn't let it getto him and my mum told me to not let him get to me because he wants us to hurt because he is hurting and I had too much of just spilling my self and him just shrugging and acting like he didn't care, so I had to leave the house for a while and I said " the more you drink the more it ruins my life" and I said straight up that if they split up im not going with any of them im not going to live with any of them, im goingto go on myown and get a full time job and support my self, and before I left my mum said I wont go to college either if if I do that. so when I left I met up with my boyfriend and he got me a drink ( water) and he walked me home and then I walked in the house and my mum told me to come in her room and talk to her and she cried to me telling me not to leave her and I told her that if im too stressed out im not going to go with her, I told her I would be better off on my own and feeling like I dont have to live with that anymore and I told her we will see what happens and how I feel, I told her it would make me feel alot better inside knowning I dont have to see them or watever and I told her I wouldn't just walk out of her life I would visit her, and she told me that she isn't going anywhere because she would lose everything and I told her that I know, she would and that Im glad she is staying and I told her that Im sorry for what she has to go through and she told me she was sorry andI told her that im so immune to it that im strong and I dont cry anymore....... thank you for letting me spill it


DAMN IM ONLY 18 WHAT MORE CAN HAPPEN?

LITTLEONE...

Barbara52

Littleone, I am sorry your life is filled with such turmoil right now. Please do not fool yourself that you are immune from the effects of all this. Your posts show how all this is affecting you. {hugs} Please reach out to some other adults you trust. Perhaps a counselor at school. Or find an AlaTeen or AlAnon meeting. Getting support can only help you.

Bernadette

HI again Littleone--
((hugs)))

DAMN IM ONLY 18 WHAT MORE CAN HAPPEN?

A lot more can and will happen - the biggest thing MORE that will happen is the rest of YOUR life!!

What do you want that to look like??

I think that the voice that came out of you in your anger saying you wouldn't live w/ either parent is a very healthy sign! You should, at 18, be considering all YOUR options. And listen to that voice.

Think about it: that voice is telling you something very important.
You DO need to get away from your parents.
That doesn't have to mean physically (although it might mean that).
But it does mean you need distance from their insanity so you can think about your own life, make your own plans for your life and your dreams etc.
One way to "seperate" without leaving is to educate yourself about addiction and codependency. Maybe try an Alanon or Alateen meeting or speak to a counselor about how to stop doing this sick dance with your parents.

I know you're in a tough time right now.
Believe me - 20 years ago I was in your shoes and even though eventually my father got sober/recovered I still had to do a lot of focusing on me and my problems before I felt better and things in my life got better! Nothing any of us in the family did changed my father. After he got sober/recovered he always told us there was NOTHING absolutely NOTHING anyone could have done or said to make him stop.

What you are dealing with is a very specific thing: being the child of an alcoholic.
There is some very specific help and info here and at Alanon or through counseling for you.

Glad you posted again- what a mess of crazy drama going down at your house. My thoughts are with you!
Peace,
B.

Bernadette

Oh hey - i posted this to you once before-- did you see it?
Take care littleone!!! We are all rooting for you!!
And keep posting!
B.

"Are you in Bowmanville ONT?
If so here are the links for Alanon in your area:

ONTARIO (SOUTH) WEB SITE: Ontario South Al-Anon - Alateen
Ontario South Al-Anon - Alateen
HAMILTON -Al-Anon Info Serv (905-522-1733) PO Box 3711, L8H 7N1

You could always try a few meetings - just see if it helps. Maybe take a friend with you. You don't have to say anything at a meeting - you can just sit and listen if you want."