No desire for intimacy, even w/o drinking?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
I think what you are feeling is very normal. It's nearly impossible to give yourself to someone who has disrespected you (and themselves) by drinking so much. Towards the end STBXAH and I weren't having sex at all. He had quit drinking (relapsed a few days before our final split), but I just couldn't bring myself to make love to him. The feelings just weren't there. I should have paid more attention to this aspect of our lives as it has become clear to me now that he was seeking intimacy from others (not physical but emotional).
I think it's okay for you to say to your spouse that you no longer feel the desire for them and here's why. It's like setting a boundary. If you continue to drink, I continue to withdraw/detach. And, if you're like me, there is no way in heck that I'm having drunk sex with another person (XAH or in any future partners). It just revolts me now.
I do believe that sex/intimacy is a key component of any marriage. I agree with Barb though - why stay? Why have this life with AH if there's nothing left in it?
I think it's okay for you to say to your spouse that you no longer feel the desire for them and here's why. It's like setting a boundary. If you continue to drink, I continue to withdraw/detach. And, if you're like me, there is no way in heck that I'm having drunk sex with another person (XAH or in any future partners). It just revolts me now.
I do believe that sex/intimacy is a key component of any marriage. I agree with Barb though - why stay? Why have this life with AH if there's nothing left in it?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Down Under
Posts: 25
Me too
Makeachange, Wish-he'd-quit - I am in the same place you guys are. My marriage is over, I've seen the solicitor, talked to friends and family and I'm ready to leave, but I'm stuck to spot with glue, I haven't been able to actually say "I've had enough now".
But I think this thread has galvanised me into action. This is embarrassing to say out loud, but I've been "going through the motions" to keep the peace for about 5+ years. Lately, I've been trying to figure out why I've become so co-dependent. I never heard my parents argue, they both avoided confrontations and just sulked instead of raising difficult issues and both played the martyr. Now, I've done the same thing throughout my whole marriage.
I have to acknowledge that even if my AH does go into recovery (currently he's in a half-hearted attempt, which is not working), the damage is done. The resentment and hurt I feel for "giving myself" for so long is just too much.
Thanks again for this thread. Best wishes and hugs to all.
Lorrae
But I think this thread has galvanised me into action. This is embarrassing to say out loud, but I've been "going through the motions" to keep the peace for about 5+ years. Lately, I've been trying to figure out why I've become so co-dependent. I never heard my parents argue, they both avoided confrontations and just sulked instead of raising difficult issues and both played the martyr. Now, I've done the same thing throughout my whole marriage.
I have to acknowledge that even if my AH does go into recovery (currently he's in a half-hearted attempt, which is not working), the damage is done. The resentment and hurt I feel for "giving myself" for so long is just too much.
Thanks again for this thread. Best wishes and hugs to all.
Lorrae
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by makeachange 
I feel like I've already given up so much of myself that I wonder why I even care about this now. I mean, what is it really when I compare it to 19 years and my self-worth and my real self? I'm sitting here crying and not really sure why. It's not like this is a sudden realization, maybe it's because I'm "saying" it out loud to someone else.
I think it is normal "to give so much of yourself" and at one time and even now my partner gives a lot of himself but somehow that becomes void from one drinking incident to the next. Maybe I have a trust issue.... I really have a hard time trusting my partner because of the crappy things he has done while drinking. It's a Jeckel Hyde thing.
I think we all have a point though that we decide "THAT'S IT, I'M DONE". At that point there is no going back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((((makechange)))))
Struggling with this one too- and we've been separated for 8 months! My AH has told me over and over that I'm cold. It's something I used to get hooked into, but I am slowly building more compassion for myself. I spent years sleeping alone, because he chose to drink and sleep on the couch- little did I know what was going on- I just knew AH wouldn't come to bed with me- claimed he couldn't sleep and wanted to watch tv to get sleepy. In those years I tried so many ways to get him to come to bed- not just for the sex, but for that closeness- that connection-and over and over he rejected me- blamed me too- that I moved around too much while he tried to read, that he couldn't have the light or the tv on. . . Many of us have written about the alcoholic being emotionally distant- that took its toll on me. He also had 2 emotional affairs- the last one was discovered by me 8 months ago. His response to me was to let me know he was attracted to her, how attractive she is, how he'd probably ask her out if we didn't work out. . . all after 12 years of marriage. Then he tries to get me to be intimate with him and wonders why I'm cold. From what my friends in "healthy" relationships talk about, intimacy is hard at times anyway with all the stress and busyness in life- and it's not like it was when dating- BUT- to add the crap that goes along with addiction? It's a libido killer. For me, saying no was the only way I could preserve my sanity.
You need to do what you know makes you feel sane. Whether actively drinking or not, my AH was like a teenage boy- all the verbal abuse, all the Jekyl-Hyde behavior wore me down. I stayed for too long- that's my one regret. Trust to me is the most important thing you can have in a relationship- and I didn't have it for him. I was becoming like you- sort of emotionally lost. I hope you will take care of yourself. Keep talking- "out loud", seek therapy if you think that would help- and definitely trust your gut- it's trying to tell you something.
Struggling with this one too- and we've been separated for 8 months! My AH has told me over and over that I'm cold. It's something I used to get hooked into, but I am slowly building more compassion for myself. I spent years sleeping alone, because he chose to drink and sleep on the couch- little did I know what was going on- I just knew AH wouldn't come to bed with me- claimed he couldn't sleep and wanted to watch tv to get sleepy. In those years I tried so many ways to get him to come to bed- not just for the sex, but for that closeness- that connection-and over and over he rejected me- blamed me too- that I moved around too much while he tried to read, that he couldn't have the light or the tv on. . . Many of us have written about the alcoholic being emotionally distant- that took its toll on me. He also had 2 emotional affairs- the last one was discovered by me 8 months ago. His response to me was to let me know he was attracted to her, how attractive she is, how he'd probably ask her out if we didn't work out. . . all after 12 years of marriage. Then he tries to get me to be intimate with him and wonders why I'm cold. From what my friends in "healthy" relationships talk about, intimacy is hard at times anyway with all the stress and busyness in life- and it's not like it was when dating- BUT- to add the crap that goes along with addiction? It's a libido killer. For me, saying no was the only way I could preserve my sanity.
You need to do what you know makes you feel sane. Whether actively drinking or not, my AH was like a teenage boy- all the verbal abuse, all the Jekyl-Hyde behavior wore me down. I stayed for too long- that's my one regret. Trust to me is the most important thing you can have in a relationship- and I didn't have it for him. I was becoming like you- sort of emotionally lost. I hope you will take care of yourself. Keep talking- "out loud", seek therapy if you think that would help- and definitely trust your gut- it's trying to tell you something.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Rural, VA
Posts: 10
I'm new here, but have been reading threads on this site for more than a year! This will mark my first reply, but this thread hit home for me and I knew I had to speak up! I experienced the same thing just last night and have been going through it for years. My AH always wants to be 'intimate' but I hardly ever do. I have been ridiculed by him for years for my lack of a sex drive, always pushing him away, rejecting him, etc. When the fact of the matter is that I no longer feel attracted to him and I think the root of the problem is that I, like so many of you on this thread, have had sex with him while he's been drinking just to placate him. These acts have been very traumatizing for me. I can recall numerous times that I have had sex with him and cried during the act because it wasn't what I wanted and I wouldn't speak up for myself and say 'no.' I feared his anger and the verbal abuse. I firmly believe that I am mentally unable now to separate the sober man from the drinker. Even when he's sober I see him as being under the influence and can't get past that feeling.
This site has given me so much support by just showing me that I'm not alone and that my feelings and experiences are not all that strange and foreign. Thank you!
This site has given me so much support by just showing me that I'm not alone and that my feelings and experiences are not all that strange and foreign. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by LivingInMyHead
I can recall numerous times that I have had sex with him and cried during the act because it wasn't what I wanted and I wouldn't speak up for myself and say 'no.' I feared his anger and the verbal abuse.
I've done this too. What I'm realizing is that I spent too much time trying. If it was at this point- and it was for years- why didn't I get out? Counseling didn't help- he hated it, and dropped each counselor I initiated (5). I can say without any doubt that I tried to make my marriage work. But when it became obvious that it was THAT bad- I should have left. I didn't- he left me. But his leaving gave me the peace I needed to realize that going back to his chaos was not for me. I just wish I'd done this for myself sooner. As hard as it is, I know I am better off.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Rural, VA
Posts: 10
Pajarito - I've been reading your posts and feel I know some of your story. Sometimes, I wish my AH would leave and make the move for me! I have been working towards leaving for awhile but am still there! Over the last 6 months, I have retained an attorney, asked my AH for a divorce, had a seperation agreement written, and given it to him. I'm still there because I'm supposed to get the house but he won't leave and wants to 'work' on our marriage; however, this 'work' does not necessarily include dealing with his alcoholism. He will go through periods of sobriety and then start drinking again. I wish I had the strength to forge ahead but I feel stuck and like I've run out of steam.
I know this has nothing to do with the topic of this thread but I felt the need to tell a little of my story!
I know this has nothing to do with the topic of this thread but I felt the need to tell a little of my story!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I believe, in hindsight, there are sometimes forces at work that have our best interests at heart.
In my relationship with an addict/alcoholic, the dishonesty, drinking, drugging, helplessness, childishness, abuse, and infidelity gradually eroded any physical feelings I had for him. So while I could be intimate -- I still could enjoy hugging, and giving neck rubs, and sharing things in conversation, and being emotionally supportive and all -- I just felt sick at the thought of having sex with him.
Like most of the men discussed above, this became a huge issue. It wasn't intimacy he was lacking -- it was just plain old sex. Eventually, two things happened: He got tired of going without this important human function, and so did I. He wanted a body to have sex with, and I wanted someone who I respected and cherished enough to WANT to have sex with.
Being honest about it helped to speed things along to a conclusion that was better for both of us. Now, several years later, I'm married and love physical intimacy again. He's dating several women who don't know about each other and he gets his physical release any time he wants. More power to him. Wouldn't trade places with them for anything in the world.
But my point is, if I hadn't been true to myself and honest with him, I would've wasted years more life just prostituting myself for the sake of security. (which is what it felt like to me)
Marriage is not a "get out of jail" card. It doesn't mean "you get it any time you want it, no matter how you treat me as a human being." So many women are taught that it is.....especially women involved in the church.
Just my story ---- in case it helps anyone else.
In my relationship with an addict/alcoholic, the dishonesty, drinking, drugging, helplessness, childishness, abuse, and infidelity gradually eroded any physical feelings I had for him. So while I could be intimate -- I still could enjoy hugging, and giving neck rubs, and sharing things in conversation, and being emotionally supportive and all -- I just felt sick at the thought of having sex with him.
Like most of the men discussed above, this became a huge issue. It wasn't intimacy he was lacking -- it was just plain old sex. Eventually, two things happened: He got tired of going without this important human function, and so did I. He wanted a body to have sex with, and I wanted someone who I respected and cherished enough to WANT to have sex with.
Being honest about it helped to speed things along to a conclusion that was better for both of us. Now, several years later, I'm married and love physical intimacy again. He's dating several women who don't know about each other and he gets his physical release any time he wants. More power to him. Wouldn't trade places with them for anything in the world.
But my point is, if I hadn't been true to myself and honest with him, I would've wasted years more life just prostituting myself for the sake of security. (which is what it felt like to me)
Marriage is not a "get out of jail" card. It doesn't mean "you get it any time you want it, no matter how you treat me as a human being." So many women are taught that it is.....especially women involved in the church.
Just my story ---- in case it helps anyone else.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Mines quite the opposite...I've always wanted the intimacy but it's ABF who's not interested, and even though he's been sober for 11 weeks there's no sign of his sex drive or desire for intimacy returning yet :s
Interesting thread though x
Interesting thread though x
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 22
Hi all , 
.. new here also.
I so can relate to all that is being said here. Being I been married to a AH going on 22 years next month.. Been through it all .. The refusing ... the verbal abuse that comes with it... The giving in... just to keep the peace. But it has gotten to the point I dont wont to have sex with him period anymore. Regardless if he is drinking or not. To much damage over the years has taken its toll I guess.
So like I said I can so relate and feel your pain. I really hope some of you will find the courage to walk away. Because believe you me , its not worth it to put yourself through all this like I have all these years.
Wishing everyone the best !
.. new here also.I so can relate to all that is being said here. Being I been married to a AH going on 22 years next month.. Been through it all .. The refusing ... the verbal abuse that comes with it... The giving in... just to keep the peace. But it has gotten to the point I dont wont to have sex with him period anymore. Regardless if he is drinking or not. To much damage over the years has taken its toll I guess.
So like I said I can so relate and feel your pain. I really hope some of you will find the courage to walk away. Because believe you me , its not worth it to put yourself through all this like I have all these years.
Wishing everyone the best !
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
Me too, me too! I consider myself an intelligent and modern woman, but for some reason it never OCCURRED to me that I could say no to XAH. I mean I would put it off and try to avoid it, but underneath it all I felt incredibly guilty if I didn't want to.
I agree there is no intimacy without trust and the fact is, you can't trust an addict. It's like asking a snake not to bite you to expect honesty and emotional connectedness with someone who is abusing drugs/alcohol.
Anyhew, it true codependent fashion, I finally came up with a mental scenario that worked for me: I told myself HE deserved someone who loved him more than I do, and feeling like I was letting him down eventually led me to let him go.
Now I see that it shouldn't have been like that at all. I should have said NO when I meant NO, and I should have left the marriage because he was impossible to live happily with, and unwilling to do anything about it.
Either way, I'm glad I'm out now. I don't want to live my life in a marriage that is ugly, dishonest, and emotionally void--and I became that way, too, by staying in instead of taking care of myself and my children first.
It is a wonderful thing to notice your "real self" coming back to life after a troubled marriage with an A. I am starting to laugh more, feel spontaneous and joyful more, and to realize (again) that love should be a fulfilling and wonderful feeling. Not chronically stressful, confusing, and chaotic.
I agree there is no intimacy without trust and the fact is, you can't trust an addict. It's like asking a snake not to bite you to expect honesty and emotional connectedness with someone who is abusing drugs/alcohol.
Anyhew, it true codependent fashion, I finally came up with a mental scenario that worked for me: I told myself HE deserved someone who loved him more than I do, and feeling like I was letting him down eventually led me to let him go.
Now I see that it shouldn't have been like that at all. I should have said NO when I meant NO, and I should have left the marriage because he was impossible to live happily with, and unwilling to do anything about it.
Either way, I'm glad I'm out now. I don't want to live my life in a marriage that is ugly, dishonest, and emotionally void--and I became that way, too, by staying in instead of taking care of myself and my children first.
It is a wonderful thing to notice your "real self" coming back to life after a troubled marriage with an A. I am starting to laugh more, feel spontaneous and joyful more, and to realize (again) that love should be a fulfilling and wonderful feeling. Not chronically stressful, confusing, and chaotic.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
Nowwhat~ your post really hot home for me. I have been with AH for 10 years now. It has finally sunk in that he has put his insecurities off on me all this time. I just never knew how to get out of it. I too should have said no when I meant no. When I do say yes but he knows I really don't want to he complains because I am hateful about it. He has done things to me that have made me become that way. He also refuses to do anything about him being unhappy. He thinks he doesnt need it. I have felt emotionally void for so long. Now that I have realized that I need to leave the marriage I feel like my old self is comming back.
Getting Over It
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Just felt I needed to post what happened today in relation to this topic. Since last posting on this thread, I have been trying to stand strong and say no, and keep it at no when I mean it. I have to say I havent had much success... Anyway, today, we got home from church, RAH laid down on the bed, and I was feeling tired too. I said to him, as a hint, that I just want to catnap for 30 min before I start the projects I had planned. He says, yeah, me too. Whew! I think I am safe. HA!! Within minutes he's trying stuff, and so I once again say, nooo, I just wanna nap. He starts ranting how I "always" turn him down and never give in , why cant I just this time..... blah, blah, blah! The part that makes me wanna laugh and cry at the same time is that he says this-
Its Mothers Day, you'd ought to want to give it to me!
He kept on and on, I lost my 30 minutes of time. Eventually he shut up, fell asleep and I got up. Later, he got up and started it all over....
hey, I didnt give in!
Its Mothers Day, you'd ought to want to give it to me!
He kept on and on, I lost my 30 minutes of time. Eventually he shut up, fell asleep and I got up. Later, he got up and started it all over....
hey, I didnt give in!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
One of the side effects of my STBX's drinking was impotence and diminished interest in sex after the first few years of our marriage (of course he blamed me for that too but I knew it was the drinking). I missed not having sex but most of the time I was just glad he wasn't bugging me since I had lost interest in him.
Of course he thinks I am divorcing him just so I can go out and have sex
Of course he thinks I am divorcing him just so I can go out and have sex
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by Barbara52
I don't see the request (or demand) for sex from an active alcoholic as a request for intimacy. Wanting intimacy requires caring, openness, honesty, and many other things that just aren't there in a relationship with an alcoholic. How many of us have described the alcoholic in our lives as emotionally distant? You cannot have intimacy with an emotionally distant person. [...]
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