Summer2008

Not long ago I told bf if he drank any more hard liquor while we were out, I would go home. Tonight while we were out, he looks at me and ask if he can have one "crown and seven". I replied, "Do what you want". His response to that was "I'll only have one then we'll go home". I replied, "Alone".

I refuse to have a 50 year old man ask me if he can do something, "He's a grown man and can do what he feels is right for him, but that does not mean I have to accept his choices.

He ordered the one drink (this was a first for him to ever stop at one) however as good as that was, I know what just drinking one leads to next time.

Anyway as difficult as it was, I drove him home and once we got there and he settled down to watch t.v., I asked him what time he would be ready to go tomorrow since we have a date lined up. He replied, 11:00 a.m. I then said, "Okay I'll pick you up then". He said "Where are you going". I replied "Bf you always say people should say what they mean and do what they say, so I'm going home."

But gosh darn it, I didn't want to go and leaving him feels like my heart was torn out, and running through my mind as I was leaving was, "to thine own self be true", let I feel like hell leaving. It would have been so easy to just stay but if I had, I would have lost respect for myself and he would have no reason to believe what I say.

Doing the right thing or what we feel is the right thing for "ourself" can be so difficult at times. Here I sit alone and yet all I want to do is be with him, yet I know I can't have the hard alcohol in my life. Beer in moderation is a maybe and that's the next issue I'll cross if we work through this one.

I love him so much and he also knows he needs to quit the drinking, yet it continues. Today during the day he drank close to a 12 pack and that is also way beyond my comfort level...I wont' even go into how a man's testosterone goes out the window with large amounts of alcohol.

I know I did the right thing, but please send a few hugs my way, I could use them tonight.

suki44883

((((((((((((SUMMER))))))))))))

Good for you for sticking to your guns!

peaceteach

(((HUGS))) Summer!!


Since you're home and online, maybe you could read up a little on codependency and learn more about keeping the focus on yourself and YOUR needs. I agree with you, that if you had stayed you would have lost the power of your words and committment to yourself. I'm 50, Summer, and the only people I know at my age who still want to "tie one on" are alcoholic. Yuck.

Not to be too harsh, girl, but alcoholism is progressive, not something you can cut back on or only "drink beer" for any length of sustainable time. I'm afraid you are setting yourself up with a false expectation that this is going to get better. Until your boyfriend realizes his drinking is a problem and seeks recovery, THIS is your life. It's self-defeating to dream of a better future with an active drinker.

I wish you a lovely, peaceful, alcohol-free evening tonight, Summer. Try to do something that takes your mind off of him for the night. This is a step in detachment, putting the focus where it belongs--on you

suki44883

Right on, Peaceteach! Beer to an alcoholic is just as deadly as Crown and Coke.

lexusgirl

I agree, it doesn't matter the type of booze or if they switch from beer to liquor, it's all the same in the end to an alcoholic.

Stay strong!! ((((hugs))))

FormerDoormat

But why take him home first? Why not leave the bar/restaurant and make him find his own way home? You still sat with him while he drank and then drove him home. He did not drink alone. He did not go home alone. This sends him a mixed message. So does tolerating the consumption of beer and not liquor. They're both alcohol. What's the difference between consuming a fifth of vodka and 12 beers? Both ways, he gets his fix, and both ways, he ends up drunk.

I set boundaries for me, not for other people. When I set boundaries for an alcoholic friend/partner/etc. I'm not trying to protect myself, I'm trying to control others.

Summer2008

I originally thought about leaving him there, and had my clothes that I had taken over there with me last night already in the truck. My original goal was to leave him there so while I was successful in leaving him and going home, I was unsuccessful at leaving him at the bar.

He just called me and I know it was to see if I was mad. I'm not mad. I just miss him. I'm to the point that he is free to make his choices for himself and I will make the right choices for me.

Summer2008

Lexus, I totally agree it really doesn't matter if it's beer, alcohol or both. I've only just started setting the boundaries for myself, so this was a huge step for me.

Chrysalis123

(((((Summer))))) You did great girl!! Maybe it isn't what you fully intended, but it was a start. Baby steps are a good thing. You did a very difficult thing for yourself and every time you care for yourself it will get easier.

8

i4getsm

Small steps Summer! I'm so proud of you! Don't go turning this around. Celebrate your victory. You protected you in the way that YOU wanted tonight. You did GREAT!!!!

Summer2008

Peachteach - There is no doubt in my mind that he is an alcoholic. Peach, you are not being too harsh. I can take it and probably need it. I'm just learning to set boundaries for myself and letting him make his choices. I have no idea where and if there will be a future for us. I have enough love to fight for him and yet I love myself more. I know he will remember that I said what I would do and I followed through on it.

The boundary of my leaving tonight was for me. It was not meant as a way to try to control what he does. Instead of letting my heart lead my decisions, I'm starting to listen to what my head tells me.

For tonight though I stuck to what I said, so if nothing else

mamaplus2kids

I have a similar boundary with my boyfriend. I won't have anyone intoxicated in the house, so we have a rule that if he's above the legal limit (blood alcohol level), he cannot come to my house and spend the night. I've been week a few times, and it's always bothered me. I can't stand alcohol breath and sweat smell in the morning. And he snores when he's been drinking.

Barbara52

Do you actually measure this when he comes home?

mamaplus2kids

No... but more than 2-3 drinks is too much. He's 180 lbs... so he would be at the .05 limit after 2 drinks.

Summer2008

First thank you to all that offer encouragement, support and words of wisdom in my threads.

I know my bf thinks I'm mad at him since I left last night, which is not the case. I would have been mad at myself if I had stayed. He said last night on the phone that "We need to talk today".

We have a date to go to the renaissance festival today. I do not plan on bringing up last night at all. If he brings it up, we can talk about it and I will restate that when he makes the choice to drink the hard alcohol I will go home.



Any other suggestions?

ARealLady

when he makes the choice to drink the hard alcohol I will go home.


You've asked for suggestions so here is one. Make your boundary "when he makes the choice to drink alcohol I will go home" and then go....leave.....don't drive him home first.

ARL

CarolD

No suggestions but information for you to cinsider..

According to the CDC....
Moderate drinking is no more than 2 drinks a day for men..1 for women

They consider a drink to be
12 oz. of beer..5 oz. of wine...1 1/2 oz liquor.

Your body and mind processes all 3 toxins equally
so drinking only wine or only liquor or only beer
or mixing them is of no importance.
They all do the same damage.

I found Al anon helped me deal
with loved ones alcholism.
Blessings

Summer2008

ARealLady, Thanks for the suggestion and to answer your question, I thought about leaving him at the pub but when it came down to it, I couldn't do it. I'm not going to make excuses for myself for not leaving him there, however I think my point was still made. That was the first time in almost a year and a half that I have seen him stop at one mixed drink. Even though he did, I still was not willing to accept that and stuck to my boundary and went home..So it was still a baby step in the right direction for me.

Summer2008

Thanks Carol and according to the statistics my bf drinks way above the moderation level. It took me a long time to realize he is an alcoholic. I've thought about attending Al Anon meetings and at some point I may actually get around to doing it. Right now, it has taken me tons of courage to even admit that I love someone who is an alcoholic. Baby steps right?

i4getsm

Summer - Don't second guess. You did what YOU wanted and stuck up for yourself. It may not have been your original consequence, but it was something. Please don't downplay it. it will get easier each time.

Did he bring it up today?