Can't Handle it Anymore
Escea
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 6
Can't Handle it Anymore
Hello everyone,
I'm new here and don't know the ropes so please bear with me if I make some mistakes.
My husband of 20+ years is an alcoholic. It started soon after we married but has been sort of on and off over the years. Doctors told him to stop; he'd developed epilepsy, had to have a hip replaced due to avascular necrosis (caused by alcohol), and he lost his job, although it wasn't a main career as he'd taken early retirement.
About 5 years ago, it reached critical mass when his liver started packing up. He was hospitalized and had blood transfusions. He's recovered, against all the odds, his liver has improved dramatically.
The downside is he see that as a free ticket to start boozing again. He buys booze whenever I go out - I often work away from home so he just goes on a bender when I'm away.
I can't take the verbal abuse I get anymore but I don't know what to do. All our finances are tied up in our jointly owned property and I don't have the money to just up and leave - even short-term until we sell the house and I get my share.
How do people cope?
Sorry if I've gone on a bit.
I'm new here and don't know the ropes so please bear with me if I make some mistakes.
My husband of 20+ years is an alcoholic. It started soon after we married but has been sort of on and off over the years. Doctors told him to stop; he'd developed epilepsy, had to have a hip replaced due to avascular necrosis (caused by alcohol), and he lost his job, although it wasn't a main career as he'd taken early retirement.
About 5 years ago, it reached critical mass when his liver started packing up. He was hospitalized and had blood transfusions. He's recovered, against all the odds, his liver has improved dramatically.
The downside is he see that as a free ticket to start boozing again. He buys booze whenever I go out - I often work away from home so he just goes on a bender when I'm away.
I can't take the verbal abuse I get anymore but I don't know what to do. All our finances are tied up in our jointly owned property and I don't have the money to just up and leave - even short-term until we sell the house and I get my share.
How do people cope?
Sorry if I've gone on a bit.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR. You've come to the right place for help. Soon there will be others who will share how they handle these situations.
Until then, please take a look at the sticky threads on the top of the page for some more helpful resources.
How I cope with things is by coming here and attending Alanon meetings, so that I can learn how to take better care of 'me' and learn to make better choices for myself.
Until then, please take a look at the sticky threads on the top of the page for some more helpful resources.
How I cope with things is by coming here and attending Alanon meetings, so that I can learn how to take better care of 'me' and learn to make better choices for myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Escea
Welcome to SR. You've come to a wonderful place with many people who have lived (or are currently living) through what you are dealing with.
Keep coming back. Ask questions. Read the stickies. Read other peoples posts. You'll find that you are not alone. And sometimes.....just knowing that you are not alone helps you feel better.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR. You've come to a wonderful place with many people who have lived (or are currently living) through what you are dealing with.
Keep coming back. Ask questions. Read the stickies. Read other peoples posts. You'll find that you are not alone. And sometimes.....just knowing that you are not alone helps you feel better.
gentle hugs
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi there Escea,
Sorry to hear things are rough for you right now. I have seperated from my abf just a month or so ago after a 4/5 year relationship. I know how difficult coping with the stresses can be. We too shared our incomes and were living together. I tried to improve my position by gaining promotion at work and cutting down on expenses.
it is a great thing you have found this site. The most important way to learn how to deal with everything is to learn how to deal with yourself first. This may sound counter productive, but this disease affects us in so many ways and makes us ill too. It is important to realise this and begin to take steps to heal yourself.
I hope you read through the 'stickies' at the top of the forum. There are some great threads under 'classic reading' etc up there. Those threads begun the process of opening my eyes to what my life had become and what I was allowing myself to accept.
This is such a great forum for support, I believe the folks here are like family and someone is always here at all times to chat to.
I hope you keep posting and stick around with us,
Love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sorry to hear things are rough for you right now. I have seperated from my abf just a month or so ago after a 4/5 year relationship. I know how difficult coping with the stresses can be. We too shared our incomes and were living together. I tried to improve my position by gaining promotion at work and cutting down on expenses.
it is a great thing you have found this site. The most important way to learn how to deal with everything is to learn how to deal with yourself first. This may sound counter productive, but this disease affects us in so many ways and makes us ill too. It is important to realise this and begin to take steps to heal yourself.
I hope you read through the 'stickies' at the top of the forum. There are some great threads under 'classic reading' etc up there. Those threads begun the process of opening my eyes to what my life had become and what I was allowing myself to accept.
This is such a great forum for support, I believe the folks here are like family and someone is always here at all times to chat to.
I hope you keep posting and stick around with us,
Love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome Escea. You've made the first steps to a better life by seeking information and support. You will find both in here.
You might want to meet with an attorney and find out what your options are. That will allow you to think and plan based on facts. Things are likely to seem less scary and intimidating when you know what you can and cannot do.
Keep reading and posting.
You might want to meet with an attorney and find out what your options are. That will allow you to think and plan based on facts. Things are likely to seem less scary and intimidating when you know what you can and cannot do.
Keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Idaho
Posts: 47
Hello and welcome,
I'm still pretty new to this myself, but I've found that for me, coming to this site and reading what other's are going through and have found works helps me.
I'm still with my AH and don't currently have plans to leave. For me, I do what I can to detach when he's drinking. That oftens means physically leaving (going to another room, taking the dog for a walk, going to the store, anything I can think of), but more, it means detaching emotionally from what he's doing. I'm getting out of the habit of tying his actions into my self-worth, e.g., if I was a better wife or found other things for us to do he wouldn't drink or wouldn't be verbally abusive.
We've also talked about it, hesitantly, when he's sober and he's realized that he says some harsh things when he's been drinking. Of course, he comes back with the excuse that I say harsh things too, but that to me is beside the point. He's in the process of accepting that I won't engage him anymore when he's been drinking.
So I cope by detaching in ways that have been suggested here and in my AlAnon meetings. I've learned so many wonderful things from attending meetings and reading their literature. I've started taking the focus off his crazed actions and am putting it on my health.
I hope you continue reading and posting and I pray you find the peace you are seeking.
Mary Anne
I'm still pretty new to this myself, but I've found that for me, coming to this site and reading what other's are going through and have found works helps me.
I'm still with my AH and don't currently have plans to leave. For me, I do what I can to detach when he's drinking. That oftens means physically leaving (going to another room, taking the dog for a walk, going to the store, anything I can think of), but more, it means detaching emotionally from what he's doing. I'm getting out of the habit of tying his actions into my self-worth, e.g., if I was a better wife or found other things for us to do he wouldn't drink or wouldn't be verbally abusive.
We've also talked about it, hesitantly, when he's sober and he's realized that he says some harsh things when he's been drinking. Of course, he comes back with the excuse that I say harsh things too, but that to me is beside the point. He's in the process of accepting that I won't engage him anymore when he's been drinking.
So I cope by detaching in ways that have been suggested here and in my AlAnon meetings. I've learned so many wonderful things from attending meetings and reading their literature. I've started taking the focus off his crazed actions and am putting it on my health.
I hope you continue reading and posting and I pray you find the peace you are seeking.
Mary Anne
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Talking is good. Realizing you are not alone in your situation is also great and let's you know you aren't going crazy 
This is a wonderful forum of support for those with an addict in their lives. I hope you continue to read and post. Change is scary, but also a way to a better life, and here you are allowed to take what you want or what suits your life and just leave the rest. Welcome!
This is a wonderful forum of support for those with an addict in their lives. I hope you continue to read and post. Change is scary, but also a way to a better life, and here you are allowed to take what you want or what suits your life and just leave the rest. Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 36
I'm a newbie too, but coming here has really helped me. I read what others are experiencing, what others have to say, and I come to ask questions and get support. I'm still not sure if I'll stay or for how long, but right now I am still with my AH of 19 years. The financial side of things is part of it, but so is the fear I have of being alone. I hate the abuse and the alcoholism, but I am afraid to not have him in my life. I'm still trying to figure it all out. Until I know for sure, I read and pray and take each hour, each moment as it comes. Right this minute I am at peace and calm and detached. Right this minute is good. I'm thankful for right this minute.
T
T
Escea
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 6
makeachange, I understand exactly what you're saying.
Over this holiday weekend I have experienced totally different emotions. My husband was completely sober for two days and we had a wonderful time - going out for walks, just doing normal stuff. Then I had to go out for a few hours on my own and when I returned, I just knew he'd had a drink (or three), even though he vehemently denied it, saying I was trying to spoil the weekend.
I know I can't stop him drinking, that's his choice, but I can't cope with lies.
Over this holiday weekend I have experienced totally different emotions. My husband was completely sober for two days and we had a wonderful time - going out for walks, just doing normal stuff. Then I had to go out for a few hours on my own and when I returned, I just knew he'd had a drink (or three), even though he vehemently denied it, saying I was trying to spoil the weekend.
I know I can't stop him drinking, that's his choice, but I can't cope with lies.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
How do people cope?
And the best part of it all is that the more I focused on my escape plan, the less I focused on my alcoholic partner because, after all, that was pointless and a monumental waste of energy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Escea - I have been separated from my AH for six months. For me it was the lies that were the deal breaker. Fact is, I was not opposed to drinking; and I didn't even realize how much he was drinking. But then I started to suspect it was extreme, and I started keeping track - secretly. When I confronted him at first he was shocked and embarrased; but appeared to be honest. Said he would quit, or at least "cut down". I just couldn't understand why he would lie to me about it; but I knew in my gut that if he felt the need to lie about it that it was a HUGE problem. Since I have moved out I can see from a better perspective just how deep into alcoholic denial he is. Just wanted to share, I can sure understand the feeling of shock and confusion. Glad you made it here, you will get lots of knowledge and support.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 167
can't handle it anymore
Former doormat, I did the exact same thing as you. I started planning my "escape' a few years after owi number 3 with my ah. I also mentally detached and not on purpose. I think if you stay too long and nothing changes, you start detaching without even trying. I eventually detached so much that I fell out of love with my ah and he isn't abusive in anyway shape or form...only to himself.
Sounds like you have a good job, maybe you should really think about putting some extra cash away, at least enough for a few months rent to get you started. I think just knowing I had money saved to go made it easier to cope...even if I didn't end up leaving...at least I knew I had a backup plan.
Sounds like you have a good job, maybe you should really think about putting some extra cash away, at least enough for a few months rent to get you started. I think just knowing I had money saved to go made it easier to cope...even if I didn't end up leaving...at least I knew I had a backup plan.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
freeflower - I totally agree with you. Several months ago, I was leaving AH, couldn't sell our house and make a profit, I would have walked away taking a loss with money and all the things I worked hard for, etc. I decided to stick it out a while, save some money, let him pay off the mortgage, and see what happens in a year (I kinda take my marriage one day at a time, but I'm trying for one year at a time in order to get myself financially set and have my escape plan). I am so detached right now that it feels normal to me (years ago, I had to try and be detached). I too am also out of love with my AH. Even two weeks ago, dr. told me and AH that if he continued drinking, he would have 6 mos. to a year to live, worst case scenario was if he lived longer, cause it wouldn't be good. He (AH) quit for two weeks to let his "liver heal" and is back drinking 30beers a day full force. I didn't even bat an eye, no tears, no feelings either way. He's gonna drink himself to death, I can't stop it, and I ain't even gonna try. The only thing I can do is do for me, go out to dinner w/friends, see my grandkids, enjoy MY life. And the funny thing is, like you said above, it comes so natural! And I truly enjoy it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: To the East
Posts: 81
Hi, welcome, how do we cope? We all have different coping skills, everyone's stories are unique but the same, the faces are different..Alanon is great, you get to meet people that have the same problems and you identify iwth them, you don't compare, you learn compassion for others and I know for myself, it helps me to stop feeling sorry for myself, i hate it when I do that. I pray, I excercise, I take action, small plans lead me to where I am now which isn't where I want to be but I am no longer tormented by alcoholism and that is good. I've let go of my AH, made him leave the home, filed for divorce, put the house up for sale, stopped giving him rides to work as it was too stressful and then I stopped all contact, I had to, that is just for me. I learned all these skills from reading other peoples stories, situations and gained strength and some courage to do what i had to do for me. I am getting there a bit at a time, sounds like you are saying the same things I said when I hit 15 years and after awhile you take action. you did, you found us and you are most welcome. please stick around and the best to you...L
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Larwill, IN
Posts: 22
The unintentional detachment is something I'm going through too. Of course, when I kicked him out for a month, it was horrible when he wasn't with me. He would come here straight after work and stay until after the kids were in bed, so it was "easier" on them. On the weekends, or whenever he got the burr up his ass, he drank and it was still hell on earth.
I know some of the attachment happened two years ago when I found out he'd cheated on me with at least three women, but even more so the longer we are together and I see him for his true self now. Even when he is sober, he is hostile and negative. I'm always saying I can't handle it anymore, but still stay and do nothing but be depressed. I feel as though he is detaching himself as well, but more from the kids. They have become primarily my responsibility. Granted, only one is biologically his, but they all call him "dad" and he's always treated them as his own, until things started going really down hill.
I know some of the attachment happened two years ago when I found out he'd cheated on me with at least three women, but even more so the longer we are together and I see him for his true self now. Even when he is sober, he is hostile and negative. I'm always saying I can't handle it anymore, but still stay and do nothing but be depressed. I feel as though he is detaching himself as well, but more from the kids. They have become primarily my responsibility. Granted, only one is biologically his, but they all call him "dad" and he's always treated them as his own, until things started going really down hill.
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