Standing Up
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Standing Up
I know that everyone deals with the A in their life in different ways.
Some people feel worthless.
Some people feel angry.
Some people feel guilty.
Some people feel all of that and more.
I was always one who questioned myself and doubted my own judgment, but I was very ready to believe almost anything that my AH said.
If I got angry about something it wasn't difficult to convince myself that I was being too harsh.
If I felt sad about something it wasn't difficult to convince myself that I was overreacting.
Anytime I thought something negative about my A, I felt guilty, and he used this guilt against me.
Having recognized this tendency, I'm becoming more successful in trusting my gut and sticking to my guns. It's perfectly valid to feel the way that I do.
An example:
This morning my AH came over to the house to take our son to school. He arrived complaining about how tired he is - he just can't seem to get out of bed in the mornings. I hate it when he starts in on this. The man stays up until 2 or 3 a.m. and then wonders why he's tired!
In the past I've always just given him a hug, told him that "I'm sorry", and asked if there's anything I can do to help. It really did pain me to see him in a bad mood.
(As I'm typing this I'm realizing how incredibly codie this sounds.)
Now, I'm beginning to see that treating him like a child just makes it easier for him to justify childish behavior.
Today I said, "Lots of people are tired. I'm tired of hearing you complain."
Here's to saying what you mean, meaning what you say, and not feeling like you need construct every thought with someone else's best interest in mind!
Have a good one.
-TC
Some people feel worthless.
Some people feel angry.
Some people feel guilty.
Some people feel all of that and more.
I was always one who questioned myself and doubted my own judgment, but I was very ready to believe almost anything that my AH said.
If I got angry about something it wasn't difficult to convince myself that I was being too harsh.
If I felt sad about something it wasn't difficult to convince myself that I was overreacting.
Anytime I thought something negative about my A, I felt guilty, and he used this guilt against me.
Having recognized this tendency, I'm becoming more successful in trusting my gut and sticking to my guns. It's perfectly valid to feel the way that I do.
An example:
This morning my AH came over to the house to take our son to school. He arrived complaining about how tired he is - he just can't seem to get out of bed in the mornings. I hate it when he starts in on this. The man stays up until 2 or 3 a.m. and then wonders why he's tired!
In the past I've always just given him a hug, told him that "I'm sorry", and asked if there's anything I can do to help. It really did pain me to see him in a bad mood.
(As I'm typing this I'm realizing how incredibly codie this sounds.)
Now, I'm beginning to see that treating him like a child just makes it easier for him to justify childish behavior.
Today I said, "Lots of people are tired. I'm tired of hearing you complain."
Here's to saying what you mean, meaning what you say, and not feeling like you need construct every thought with someone else's best interest in mind!
Have a good one.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
I've had this same conversation with my STBXAH. Every day he would come home in the worst mood. We would all tip-toe around him. He wouldn't smile, wouldn't be friendly. I finally had it and told him to buck up! Everybody has a bad day sometimes and WE are all HAPPY to see YOU so stop with the bad mood crap! I also told him if he was so miserable every day to look for a new job. Do SOMETHING instead of waiting for someone to fix it for you. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
In recovery, I have become notoriously unsympathetic to chronic complainers - the ones who always have a complaint but don't want to do what it takes to fix the problem....even when it's something simple like in your AH's case, hey, brainiac, try cutting down on your liquor and going to bed earlier 
Or those who chronically complain about their job, weight, car, girlfriend, life, but have no interest in doing the work of changing any of it. Got no time for those people any more, and they've learned to avoid me because I'm quick-draw mcgraw with comments like, "So what are you going to do about it?" (I think I learned that from anvilhead - thanks anvil!)
I get this picture in my mind of whiny toddlers throwing themselves on the ground. "waaaah.....fix it for me!" I know. I'm awful, aren't I?
Good for you for saying what needed to be said, instead coddling him as an innocent victim of some unfair life.
Or those who chronically complain about their job, weight, car, girlfriend, life, but have no interest in doing the work of changing any of it. Got no time for those people any more, and they've learned to avoid me because I'm quick-draw mcgraw with comments like, "So what are you going to do about it?" (I think I learned that from anvilhead - thanks anvil!)
I get this picture in my mind of whiny toddlers throwing themselves on the ground. "waaaah.....fix it for me!" I know. I'm awful, aren't I?
Good for you for saying what needed to be said, instead coddling him as an innocent victim of some unfair life.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
