What am I supposed to do??
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
What am I supposed to do??
Next weekend is my nephew's graduation from high school -- MY brother's son. My brother -- who is a few years divorced from his AW (abusive AW). My brother asked me if I minded if he invited my STBXAH to the graduation. I said no -- because I invited his X to my son's graduation last year, knowing she would not come but had enough of a relationship with my son to believe she would want to know. Well . . . . my STBXAH decides he is GOING to the graduation. It is 2+ hours away, he doesn't drive (I am guessing that he is riding there with my son); and he doesn't have a place to stay. So. . . he asked my brother if he could stay with him. My brother just called me to see if I was "OK" with that????? OF course I am not OK with that . . . but what do I say. Well . . . uh . . . I guess I can handle it. What am I supposed to do????? Now I don't even want to go. I am so angry. I am not angry at my brother, I could have said no in the first place and I guess I should have. How could I have expected my *&^%$# S(not soon enough)TBXAH to realize that this would be extremely awkward for me . . . . but as we know; it is ALWAYS all about them. I am so mad at myself for not speaking up for myself, again. When oh when am I going to learn????
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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Perhaps you could stay at a motel, as Chrysalis suggests. Or another friend? I had to do a few of those uncomfortable events where my ex was there too, and I recall that we had to stay at the same person's house once.
It helped me to remember that the reason I was there - the event itself - was for someone else. The focus was not on me, on him or on us. No one was really interested in our drama, and I did my best to keep the focus on the guest of honor instead.
I hope you have time to make some alternate plans.
Hugs
Cats
It helped me to remember that the reason I was there - the event itself - was for someone else. The focus was not on me, on him or on us. No one was really interested in our drama, and I did my best to keep the focus on the guest of honor instead.
I hope you have time to make some alternate plans.
Hugs
Cats
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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I will be staying at my parents -- and celebrating mother's day there on Sunday. I did make it clear to my bro that my STBXAH is NOT to be included in anything we have planned for Sunday; to which he readily agreed. I am willing and able to "take the high road" for my nephew's sake and all others involved. But I am sooooo sick of my family feeling so sorry for my STBXAH. HIS family has never contacted me to see if I am OK, blah blah blah. I should have no worries, I am not a disabled pitiful alcoholic; I am just the evil witch who is refusing to be the sugar-mama doormat enabler any longer. Well, I hope I am almost done venting for now!!!
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I imagine this isn't going to be the response you anticipated. But I have never been one to mince words, at least not since I have been in Recovery. I say what I mean, but I dont say it mean.
I realize that you didn't expect him to come, but after all, your brother did ask you if it was ok if he invited him. It's not like you can turn back the clock or uninvite him. So, basically it sounds like you can do one of two things. You can either not go or go to the graduation and party (assuming there will be one) and be pleasant for your nephew's sake as well as your sons.
When divorce is the ending result in a marriage, especially where there are family ties that are still there, it can put many people in awkward situations. I know, I have two divorces in my past. My son's father and I have been divorced since Brandon was very young. Throughout the years of school activities, sports events and birthdays where both sides of the families were involved, there was a great deal of tension. I was using and his Dad held on to the past like it were yesterday.
The first big event that took place since I was in Recovery was my Son's graduation. At first, I truly considered not going to the Ceremony. I didn't want any of the past uneasiness to interfere with my Son's big day. We were having seperate parties, so it was merely the Ceremony itself were we would likely run into each other. I spoke to my Son about this, thinking that I would be the bigger person, I would back out to avoid any possible problems. He looked at me and asked me not to miss his graduation.This was his day and if his Father and I loved him like we said we do, we would come and be adults about it. Kinda funny to hear my child tell me that I need to be an adult about something. He was right. This day was about HIM!
Try to remember who this day is actually about. And if there would be problems, don't be the one to cause any of it. Simply be the adult and walk away. Your nephew and your son will see who was the responsible one.
Good Luck to ya and take God with ya,
Judy
I realize that you didn't expect him to come, but after all, your brother did ask you if it was ok if he invited him. It's not like you can turn back the clock or uninvite him. So, basically it sounds like you can do one of two things. You can either not go or go to the graduation and party (assuming there will be one) and be pleasant for your nephew's sake as well as your sons.
When divorce is the ending result in a marriage, especially where there are family ties that are still there, it can put many people in awkward situations. I know, I have two divorces in my past. My son's father and I have been divorced since Brandon was very young. Throughout the years of school activities, sports events and birthdays where both sides of the families were involved, there was a great deal of tension. I was using and his Dad held on to the past like it were yesterday.
The first big event that took place since I was in Recovery was my Son's graduation. At first, I truly considered not going to the Ceremony. I didn't want any of the past uneasiness to interfere with my Son's big day. We were having seperate parties, so it was merely the Ceremony itself were we would likely run into each other. I spoke to my Son about this, thinking that I would be the bigger person, I would back out to avoid any possible problems. He looked at me and asked me not to miss his graduation.This was his day and if his Father and I loved him like we said we do, we would come and be adults about it. Kinda funny to hear my child tell me that I need to be an adult about something. He was right. This day was about HIM!
Try to remember who this day is actually about. And if there would be problems, don't be the one to cause any of it. Simply be the adult and walk away. Your nephew and your son will see who was the responsible one.
Good Luck to ya and take God with ya,
Judy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I can't imagine what that's like. I was very close with my ex addict bf's parents, but when I left (which his mom encouraged) I cut off contact with them out of respect for the next person he brings home. It's sad your STBX can't do the same. I'll send some prayers your way for Mother's day weekend.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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I am feeling somewhat better this morning. SerenityQueen -- your response was exactly what I was anticipating, exactly what I have been telling myself, and exactly why I am so upset. My AH is not to blame. . . I should (and do?) not expect much from him. My brother is not to blame -- my family can only know what I have chosen to share with them. If I didn't want my AH to be at this graduation I should have told my brother not to invite him - -he did ask me afterall. I am just so mad at myself, I can see where I messed up, I am always trying to be the nice guy, but I need to stand up for myself and let people know what I need.
If anything good comes out of this -- is that maybe I will make some progress in that direction.
If anything good comes out of this -- is that maybe I will make some progress in that direction.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
It's only when you let go of anger towards another person that you are truly free. Don't let your X run this day for you and your son. He's your son's father and still close to your family. He's just a person...one who is not a part of your life anymore...one who is not worth the anger that you are feeling. Let it go. I'm not telling you to stuff those feelings down deep inside. I'm saying to let it go. He's going to be there...so what do you care? I wish you could "hear" the tone in which I'm saying this. I'm trying to say that if you treat him as just another human and stop treating him like someone who has this hold over you, you will feel so much more freedom. I'm taking baby steps like this in my life right now. My STBXAH is no longer living here. We still see him very frequently and although there is some part of me that is still bitter/sad, for the most part, I'm just so thankful not to be under his influence all the time. I don't have all the anger anymore and it's like breathing again. Most of my day is spent thinking about me and the kids and not about him and what he's doing...if he's drinking...if he's coming home. He's not my problem to solve anymore. And your STBXAH isn't yours. (((HUGS))) How awesome is that!?! :ghug
I hope you can "see" the meaning behind these words. Nothing is ever as easy as just snapping off your feelings, but if you can stop seeing him as an adversary and just see him as a person only, it really helps.
I hope you can "see" the meaning behind these words. Nothing is ever as easy as just snapping off your feelings, but if you can stop seeing him as an adversary and just see him as a person only, it really helps.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Originally Posted by nowinsituation 
If anything good comes out of this -- is that maybe I will make some progress in that direction.
Keep your chin up and give yourself a hug today.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by nowinsituation
If anything good comes out of this -- is that maybe I will make some progress in that direction.
Write down what you will do next time in these situations. Journal it out a bit and make sure you know what you'll say next time your brother or family asks a question like this.Then you won't feel as bad about this any more. We don't make progress when everything's easy.
Just as a side note, I had to attend my niece's graduation with her father, a man who had sexually assaulted me when I was 11.
If I can survive it, so can you. I'm a big wimp, and you are not.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by nowinsituation
But I am sooooo sick of my family feeling so sorry for my STBXAH.
When we marry, we add a family member to our extended family. When the marriage ends, the feelings may be gone for us, but they may not be gone for some of those extended family members, they may still care about and love the person we introduced to the family.
Be grateful you have an extended family that can feel and show unconditional love. Because our love has ceased and our compassion has ceased and our caring has ceased, doesn't mean theirs has. They have not lived our life with that person and may not understand.
I have been through a divorce and the hardest thing for me was losing my best friend, my sister-in-law. She was my closest companion for many, many years, but when one divorces in that family, you lose the entire extended family.........they do not know unconditional love.
I guess, I just want to say be grateful you have a caring loving family, instead of a family that would turn their back on someone they have loved for years just because of divorce. You may not feel he deserves it, but for some reason they still do and respect you enough to ask your permission first.
Look for the bright side of the situation, and enjoy mothers day with your mom......make that your focus.
Good Luck
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Wanted to update you all on how it went. First of all, I wasn't even absolutely sure that my STBXAH was going to go to the graduation; as no on actually told me for sure. He had some lame excuse to call me at work Friday am; and said nothing about "see you this weekend" or anything like that. But, eventually knew for sure from a comment my daughter made. I just thought maybe he would come to his senses and decide to stay home -- no such luck. And, the irony of that is I can't count how many family celebrations he missed when we were together because he had made up some lame excuse to stay home (so he could drink??). But, he had to go this time to "help" my brother since my brother had helped us so much last year when our son graduated.
I avoided going over to my brother's at all before the party, and did not let myself get sucked into feeling guilty for not helping set-up, decorate, etc. My sister was quite put upon since she "had to do it all", but I didn't go, and I didn't discuss it. I stayed at my parents house and had quality time with my Mom.
The graduation was a little emotional for me (always cry at weddings, too). Those kids all looked so young and so happy; smiling for the cameras as they got their diplomas. They have their whole lives ahead of them and so much potential. And then I reminded myself that I also have MY whole life ahead of me; and much potential as well. That gave me a very warm and peaceful feeling.
I enjoyed myself very much at the party. I kept clear of my STBX without drawing attention to that fact. A couple of people who didn't know we were separated asked me how he was getting along (related to his disability). I just said he was about the same, and then added that we were in fact separated so I wasn't really aware of how things were currently. They generally apologized for asking; but told them it was OK, they had no way of knowing; and not to worry about it.
I did not have my vehicle there, so asked my sister to take me and daughter back to my parent's house at around 10:00. She wasn't too happy but she did. She went back over and they continued "partying" till god knows when. I'm sure I didn't miss anything. Also, I was able to wake up early to my daughter bringing me my Mother's Day present -- a plate of choc. chip cookies that also doubled as breakfast in bed!! What a great day!
I avoided going over to my brother's at all before the party, and did not let myself get sucked into feeling guilty for not helping set-up, decorate, etc. My sister was quite put upon since she "had to do it all", but I didn't go, and I didn't discuss it. I stayed at my parents house and had quality time with my Mom.
The graduation was a little emotional for me (always cry at weddings, too). Those kids all looked so young and so happy; smiling for the cameras as they got their diplomas. They have their whole lives ahead of them and so much potential. And then I reminded myself that I also have MY whole life ahead of me; and much potential as well. That gave me a very warm and peaceful feeling.
I enjoyed myself very much at the party. I kept clear of my STBX without drawing attention to that fact. A couple of people who didn't know we were separated asked me how he was getting along (related to his disability). I just said he was about the same, and then added that we were in fact separated so I wasn't really aware of how things were currently. They generally apologized for asking; but told them it was OK, they had no way of knowing; and not to worry about it.
I did not have my vehicle there, so asked my sister to take me and daughter back to my parent's house at around 10:00. She wasn't too happy but she did. She went back over and they continued "partying" till god knows when. I'm sure I didn't miss anything. Also, I was able to wake up early to my daughter bringing me my Mother's Day present -- a plate of choc. chip cookies that also doubled as breakfast in bed!! What a great day!
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