Detaching

Old 11-04-2004, 11:23 AM
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delabarreda74,

Although you are struggling with the impact of your decision, you have obviously done the right thing for yourself. This is your time to heal...and you will.
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Old 04-16-2005, 01:13 PM
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re: detaching

thank you for writing your comments. I too am struggling with the issues you cited and feel compelled to try and reach him before his child leaves for college in the fall. My AH had been in recovery and has been in relapse for over a year after seven years of dry AH (I learned that on this site!)

This detachment comment group is one I need to study every day!
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Old 07-22-2006, 03:32 PM
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This is my first day here but I have to admit this thread struck a chord ...BIG TIME... Thanks
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Old 07-22-2006, 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Fee
This is my first day here but I have to admit this thread struck a chord ...BIG TIME... Thanks
Hello Fee, and welcome to SoberRecovery. If you'd like to, you can start a new thread to introduce yourself. That way everybody can meet you, say hello, and welcome you.

Glad you decided to join us.

Mike
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Old 07-22-2006, 09:47 PM
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Well, I just got out of bed and came down here...couldn't sleep. I had just tried to make my husband understand that I was angry - he just couldn't stay out all night - it's not okay...and all that stuff.
I thought to myself, "What are all those soberrecovery.com people even talking about anyway?! How am I not supposed to FEEL this anger?" When I try to tell him that stuff, he plugs his ears and sings real loud...
lemme tell ya - not helpin' me in the anger dept. when he does that.

So - then I read that detachment is not for him but for me. It doesn't mean that he "gets to" go on being happy and I have to hold my feelings in. And that is how I was feeling. I was really struggling and just SO angry that he could come home the next day...not say anything about staying out, and expect me to be fine with that. My attitude was getting worse by the minute.

I did take the kids to the fair today and I also climbed to the top of this huge rock climbing wall! It was so cool because I'm scared of heights and I did it. We were having such a good day. There were a few incidents with my second child being rebellious but that ended up okay also. Just makes me sad because I think it's a result of our family life.

So then my husband calls me to pick him up. Gotta load the kids at 9:30pm to do that and he looks stoned when I get there and I'm just fuming.

All I can think to myself is that I can't just get away from him. There's no easy solution.

And the other thing I realized is that I do take his drinking personally. Like if he really loved me, he would not do these things! So those are the two things I need to work on but, man, it is going to be so hard.

Thanks again because I have stopped crying now and I think I'll be able to go upstairs and actually fall asleep.

And I won't beat myself up for telling him how mad I am 'cause "so what!" So I screwed up...gotta start somewhere and it's not about doing everything right so I can get some sort of result out of him. It's about healing and really seeing things for what they are.

By the way...if all goes as planned, my first Al-Anon meeting is Monday at noon.
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Old 07-22-2006, 10:01 PM
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I was not detaching to let him think everything was A-OK, I need to detach SO THAT I WOULD BE A-OK...he could think whatever he wanted to think. When I 'got it', the most amazing things began to happen...no more yelling, screaming, fighting...I was at peace.
The absolute hardest concept for me to overcome was the idea that was implanted in my head that By gosh...I had to make him understand I was mad, it wasn't okay, it HAD to change....
Just adding two of the quotes that really helped me because they are worded better than what I said.
Now - to truly do this - with no ulterior, controlling motives...that's the challenge! But I'm getting there.

Oh and a huge thing...it is hard for me to look at his alcoholism as a disease or an illness. I really do take it personally. I don't understand it at all so that really gets in my way. So if I can get myself to accept that I think it will really help.
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Old 07-23-2006, 12:59 AM
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Aww, I feel sad when I read these posts from the basement and see old buddies names on here. I just hope they are not around here anymore because they're living a good life now.

Jen - you're showing great growth in your last 2 posts. Feel free to start a new thread - I know you'll get tons of input on this topic. You too, Fee. And welcome. The people here are just wonderful.
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Old 02-05-2007, 11:41 PM
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This is my first day on this board, too, and I'm so grateful that you all share your experiences! You mean I'm not the only one living on an emotional roller coaster??

Here is my dilemma and I'd love to hear your insights!
I'm really surprised, but no one so far has mentioned physical intimacy (yes, sex) and the lack there of. My AH has been in recovery a week now and for some reason I thought he'd FINALLY want to have sex or even just hold my hand! Instead, he is still mean frequently and still blames me for many of our problems. Tonight he gave me a list of what character flaws I need to change before he can show he loves me. As always, he emotionally blackmails me to get me under his control. He gets even meaner when he succeeds to break me, so I've learned to act unphased even if I want to cry.

Anyway, I can detach at will...but I have 2 problems there.
1. I go to extremes. I either want a loving relationship with kindness and physical contact (even just hugging or holding my hand!) -OR- I want to pull away completely and X him out of my life. His inconsistency freaks me out and leaves me feeling unsafe emotionally because he'll become verbally abusive quickly even now that he's sober.

2. How do you detach and still love someone who is denying you physical intimacy?? I can ignore his verbal abuse and walk away easily...BUT I can't get past his power to deny my needs for intimacy. He knows it breaks my heart that he won't hug me or have sex with me and it's not like I can just go to someone else for that emotional bond. How do you find happiness when you can't get these needs met? I can't imagine learning to live without this intimate contact (and I don't want to!).
Thanks! Heidi
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Old 02-06-2007, 07:25 AM
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This is an awesome thread. I'm in an alcoholic closing in on 2 months sobriety but I too struggle with codependency. My exAbf consumes my mind more than alcohol these days. What I have been looking at in the process of detachment is exactly why I attached myself to someone so intensely. My ex is alcoholic and an addict with much more troubling issues of childhood than I ever endured. If possible, I know he is actually more broken. We had a very tumultuous relationship...as two broken people will. For most of it, I was either confused or hurt and angry. We hurt each other mostly. We both shared same demons. Nevertheless I attached like a barnacle to a ship..more so than he I think...is that because he was more emotionally abusive to me than I was to him? I shared some very wonderful moments with the man..but in general, the relationship was hard, confusing and painful... but after we parted I still wanted it back. I'm in recovery and he is still drinking. I only want him back if he too wants recovery. He does not.

I have often attached myself to painful relationships that I don't want to leave...that is extremely problematic. Alcoholics will always be dishonest while drinking, we are emotionally crippled and will act/react out of fear 90% of the time. Acting out of fear and pain is always painful to the recipient.

Why do we attach ourselves to pain and hurt and confusion. We do we want to be with people so unwell. There is a whole world out there...and relationships that are loving rather than painful and confusing...why do we not want to hold out for that? Self esteem has a heck of a lot to do with it...as does fear.
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Old 02-06-2007, 08:36 AM
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Welcome, tallgirl, glad you're here

Actually, I think there was a thread started a day or so ago about the lack of interest in sex by a recovery alcoholic.

This thread was started in 2003 - goes to show just how universal our experiences are.
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Old 11-23-2009, 12:41 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Hi I am just new to this forum and am finding it hard with my brother i dont live in the same city, but I am going there for xmas this year.

He is sober and living at home with my parents, several times when he was using he trashed the house and they gave him a ulitimatium but then always let him back in the house never following through.

He doesnt wash a lot and smells really bad. I am taking my baby down at xmas too.

My parents are both nearly 60, and have just accepted my brother. I find it hard to sleep there he snores so loud but they dont help me when i tell them this or ask my brother to do anything about it. He is paying rent.

I just feel uncomfortable when I am around him mum and dad pick up after him and he never apologises if he does something like spill something on the carpet and they dont say anything either.

How can i deal with this ? for my own sanity? they also act like everything he does do eg mow the lawns is amazing and go on and on about it. Shouldnt they treat him the same is everyone else?
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Old 11-23-2009, 12:41 PM
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is detaching the problem or are the enabling him?
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Old 11-23-2009, 01:09 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Hi Lex!

Welcome.

You have posted on an older thread. This particular thread is from 2004.

Can I move your post to a new thread so you can meet the family?
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Old 11-23-2009, 02:50 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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thanks so much can you do that a bit new and getting a bit lost on the site
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:26 PM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=journeygal;98073]Hi Rainy,

At some point I finally realized something - I have no idea what it's like to be an addict and my husband has no idea what it's like to live with one. And for us to try and get the other to see how life is from our sides of the street is damn near impossible.

These are exactly the words I needed to hear today. I'm so suffering trying to "understand" what has caused him to do the things he has. This is a brilliant insight. It's like asking to know the un-knowable.

Thank you for this...I detached just a little bit more
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Old 07-10-2012, 11:27 AM
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The definition of detachment was well taken. I have recently learned to do this inspite of people's reservations that I am being unsympathetic and clearly have no love for this AH. It makes me feel better lnowingbthatnhe is the one with the problem and I am not longer the one carrying the problem. I have merely tossed it back in his lap. It is his disease let hi deal with it. I detached quite easily. Yes I am not an addict and never will be but those who are are not those I fell compassion for in any way their burdens are their beasts.
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:08 PM
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New here. First day.

Gabe's idea with the balloons is fantastic! I am definitely doing it soon!

Also what Rainy said, thank you for the words.
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Old 02-23-2013, 09:19 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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My daughter and son-in-law are both in their addiction and have been for quiet some time. Always saying they are ready to get into the Solution.

I get hope. Then I get asked for money. My two grandson live with them. I live 3000 miles away. I went there for Christmas and had to leave..it was pure insanity.

They have now been given there Eviction Notice. My daughter is disraught and again asking for help...for the sake of my grandsons.

I feel sick. I have suggested the boys come live with me and she go to treatment. That at this point I believe is her only option.

I am not wanting to talk to her as of today. I can longer handle the emotional upset hearing about all their financial problems.

I will only say to her, the Solution is there if you want it.

Am I doing the right thing?
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Old 02-23-2013, 09:46 AM
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cjj,

Hi, and welcome! This is a VERY old thread you are posting on (started in 2003).

I suggest you start a new thread that focuses on your specific question.

It sounds to me as if you are doing the only reasonable thing. You have offered your home to your grandsons. If they are evicted and you feel that the kids are in danger you might be able to apply for temporary guardianship of them. You might want to contact a lawyer to get more information about what you might be able to do to protect the kids without enabling your daughter and her husband.
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Old 02-23-2013, 10:42 AM
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Thank you. I am new here today and not sure how to start a new thread?
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