From AH
 

While texting my AH the other night, which went rather well, he wrote me this...


"We are getting closer Everyday."
"My intentions are there. Recovery is first. Without it i would not have anything anyway."

(I've read that last one before. I think on these boards...)

I'm not falling for anything, it's just good to hear some positives from him when he's always been so negative & angry. In my heart, I still care about him & his recovery, but I know that we can never be together again. That's sad because I can't help but think sometimes what would happen if he never relapses again & becomes that person he's always wanted to be.... And I miss out on that, when our family could have stayed together.

If he becomes that person, there would be nothing stopping you from reconciling if you guys wanted to.

In the meantime, you are where you need to be now. {hugs**

Remember that incident in the car with the woman from the bar? Was that an attempt to bring the two of you closer together?

Just trying to interject a little reality back into the situation, as it's easy to slip on some rose-colored glasses and think things are going to be peachy.

I don't think you're going to be missing out on anything good.

My advise is Actions Speak Louder Then Words..My exabf sends me sweet and wonderful texts filled with a lot of hope for our future. How he is going to do this and do that. In the end thats all it is--a bunch of words never put into action.

There are times when a couple can both work fiercely on their own programs of recovery, and if they are both successful and diligent and committed, in time they can rebuild a strong relationship.

There are times when one person works hard on a program of recovery and for whatever reason the other person does not. The person not in recovery can act in a punishing, punitive manner and the person in recovery feels frustrated and unhappy in a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship.

There are also times when there has been too much damage done to the relationship, that the relationship has become toxic. Each person can work on their recovery programs, but the relationship itself cannot be repaired.

It's hard to not be bitter - I know I was for awhile. But in the end, I was able to deal with it and understood that I was OK, he was (probably) OK but that WE would never be ok. I have struggled with the angry feeling that his next wife got to experience all of the good and healthy parts of him that I did not. I have struggled with the fact that he got his life and profession figured out, and that he makes well over 6 figures now, and when we were married we struggled, scrimped and saved. BUT in the end, each of us went on to live a happier, healthier life.

That's how it's been for me.

Yea, I remember lots of 'I love you's while we were "together" & now I know that the whole time he was sleeping around behind my back. I can't believe anything he says now. It's like I was married to a complete stranger. I thought I knew him & he turned out to be someone completely different. The positive talk is nice, but sadly, I doubt that he could ever prove to me that he's changed. He'll be in FL for no one knows how long & I know that he's still talking/writing other women. He may have met them in rehab/AA but with his "sex addiction" (he admits it) I don't think that communicating with other women is helping anything.

I agree with formerdoormat on this one. Take off those rose colored glasses. Just reading your last post about the other women he's talking to shows that you guys aren't really "getting closer Everyday". I'm not trying to burst your bubble (not really anyway) but he's got a LONG road ahead of him. We're talking YEARS before he's close to the person that you DESERVE, kwim?

Miracles can happen but I'm not wasting my life on a what-if anymore.

So what part of all this makes you think you are missing anything of value by not being with him?

It's weird, really. I don't want him back & it's very hard to tell him I love him, because I just don't feel it like I used to. I'm not even sure I do at all anymore. How can I? I never knew the man. But even though I feel this way, there's a part of me that doesn't want to see him with anyone else either. Maybe because I was the one who was there by his side for 5 yrs holding him up (or trying to) It's like what CatsPajamas said about the new wife getting to experience the good side of him that she didn't. My children & I suffered, then someone else get the reward? (Or something like that)

I used to feel that way too. I drove myself nuts thinking of this 'perfect' life he now had with the other woman.

Truth be known, he married her when he was HIV+ and neither of them knew it. I missed getting it from him by about 2 weeks.

The package deal she got was to watch her addict husband slowly wither over the years after it became the clinical stages of AIDS.

She got to bury him last year and he was 47 years old.

We all know that life has its ups and downs. For me, I choose to look at the positive and go with that.

Even though I have been clean and sober for almost 18 years now, I have two daughters who are active alcoholics.

I'm going to hold onto my own recovery because it's precious to me.

I choose to have faith that God has a plan for each of my daughters just as he has had for me all along.

We can focus on the 'could have had', or we can focus on the moment in front of us and find the blessings we do have in our lives.

Hopefully when and IF- I mean a really big IF, because he doesn't sound like a prize to me- you will be so far up the road from where you are now that you won't give a hoot about what he's doing. Right now everything is raw- it hurts. Like I said, though- he sounds like a frog- if I were you, I'd be grateful to get out and start something better for yourself. Any woman he may end with will have her hands full. The recovering alcoholics I know work on their recovery every day- it's their life. The ones who seem healthy have been in recovery for 20+ years. It's a long road. He's barely scratched the surface, and really doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. Take care of yourself. You have a gift in front of you. . .

I think the next woman will get the same "reward" you got: heartache. It was hard for me let go of my fantasies and realize that Richard was never prince charming.