Hate being alone
 

Ok so here I am starting a new job on monday, loosing weight and feeling pretty good, posting on here b/c at the moment feel so strong and then bam It hits me. Tonight has been horrible. I am not sure if I miss the xabf(still don't miss the crap) but I find that I hate being alone. I work alone(only though for another week), come home to an empty home and have no one to eat dinner with, no one to tell how my day went and no one to kiss goodnight. I wake up alone and then I go to work alone and then come home and once again you guessed it alone. I mean I do have a ton of friends and family but you know you can't always expect them to be around.

All my friends seem to be getting married, one announced today that she is expecting and another even though she is single seems as though she always has plans. I am always included in family events and included when my friends go out but they also have thier own lives and when we are not together they are with thier special someone or have a child to take care of. I hate it. I really don't know what else to do. I try to keep busy on these down times but you guessed it...still alone doing these things. GOSH...just frustrating. I am just not one that enjoys my down time anymore.....used to but now I feel that it is like 70% of my time. I don't know how to get passed this.

I have talked about my pain to all of my friends and family and they have been really supportive but of course I am sure that they are getting sick of it. I can't expect them to be there 24/7 and I have to somehow accept this alone time but don't really know what to do. I mean you can only keep yourself preoccupied for so long and like I said before even when I am busy doing things....I have no one around.

I was even desperate enough tonight and I actually called my ex thinking that he would care. I am soo mad at myself for doing that. I left him a message saying that I would just like to talk with someone...What am I doing????

I'm here with you. You are not "alone".
I'm in the same place...all my friends are getting married just as my AH tells me he's moving out and wants a divorce.
I am here for you!!!!!:Val004:

thanks offhegoes.......It is nice knowing that someone out there understands. I just can't burden my friends with talking about this anymore. I feel at times that this is the only place I can turn to.

So the ex called back and he is alone in his room drinking and he has to be at work at 7 in the morning. Ok so maybe being alone with your thoughts is better then dealing with all of that.

I hate that he is doing this still but also relieved at the moment also.

i find the nights and the mornings are the worst for me.

Nights are the worst!

Although I'm sure it's really quiet right now, you're going to finally be able to get comfortable with yourself. I know this is hard but this is the healing process. I went out and got a cat (one of those fabulous PMS decisions) to keep me company. I also started doing a lot of activities with different friends in the evenings like walking, hitting the gym or just cooking dinner - stuff that will make you feel good.

I know how you feel about not wanting to keep discussing things with friends and family b/c you don't want to them to get tired of the topic. In the past, I eventually just kept it to myself but now I realize that if they were my real friends, they would just listen or tell me when to stop.

I'll just throw in a word of caution. Don't be in a rush. I left a addict wife, felt pretty empty, and ended up in another serious relationship, too fast. Now I married again with two kids and and another addict wife in rehab.

In doing some soul searching and reading and a family session at her facility, I realize I have co dependancy issues. I don't know your story and don't mean to butt in, but just want to throw that out, if your prone to relationships with people with issues, loneliness is better for a while. Get happy being with you for a while. When you can have a good time with you, you'll be in a better place to find a good partner.

do you feel you can not solve co dependancy issues while in a relationship? or be able to reconnect with someone who you were co dependent with?

Sounds like what happened to me although I never married either one. I'm learning THIS TIME around that I do need to work soley on myself, so I will totally take a long break from dating. I can't afford to get into another bad relationship again.

In Melody Beattie's book Co Dependent No More, I think she talks about needing to be happy with being alone with yourself and having a relationship with yourself in order to move on to be in a healthy relationship with someone else.

I agree with bsfish-you need to get used to being happy with yourself.

I've actually started enjoying being alone (no drama, no cleaning up after xabf etc etc) with myself, and finding out who I am :)

we need alone time after the relationships to get to know ourselves and heal. that way we can figure out who we are and what we want rather than have our energy being drained by an unhealthy relationship.

ngaire

You sound like I did before I married my exah...self pity run riot! You are right where you are supposed to be, this moment. Look around and find the good, the beauty. Make a gratitude list on all you have to be grateful for. Do something for someone who needs your help, practice random acts of kindness. When I start feeling pity of self, I gotta get outside of my head!

Just remember that this too shall pass!

Its hard changing from being part of a couple to be alone, regardless of how it happens. That is a huge life change! All I can say is be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal and discover who you are becoming now. I can't say the loneliness will pass but I can say further change will happen. I can say that I found that when I accept what life is now and live in the moment, without expectation, I tend to feel better about life in general.

I think we feel lonely as a result of realizing as well how much of our lives have been consumed with their alcoholism. We wall ourselves off from other things and people during the course of it so when the alcoholic is gone, we have nothing.
That equals lonely.
To have a life, we must join in with the living.
If you have friends getting married and having babies, why not start by planning a shower. Just have some fun.
Life will not come and knock on your door. You have to jump on.
Your loneliness is not a result of being without him, it is a result of being with him.

First off, self-pity is okay as long as it only lasts for a small amount of time. Maybe you are still grieving the relationship you thought you would have with xabf. Be there for now, just don't stay there. Start finding some things you are interested in exploring. You don't necessarily have to be with people all the time. It sounds like you don't like spending time with yourself. Does that ring true? If not, now is the time to find out why and change the things you can.

Also if you join Al-Anon, you will not be alone. You will also be spending time with quality people who are also on their journey to helping themselves find out who they are, accepting the things they cannot change and changing the things they can. I can't begin to tell you how much this program has changed my life for the better.

What about taking up a class or two? Maybe yoga, learning to play an instrument, an art class, acting class, book club, learn to speak a foreign language? There must be something you now have time for that you've always wanted to do, but were too consumed with your xabf to focus on before? You will eventually find a partner to do all those things with again but healing and figuring out how you got into a relationship with an addict/alcoholic will only help you find a healthy relationship in the future.

Cherish this time and look at it as a gift. You can never get time back. Once it's gone, it's gone forever. Make the most of what you have right NOW.

J

(((DESIGNER))) Let me just say- as someone who's been married for 12 years to an alcoholic, that in the past few years with him I felt very lonely. He was not really engaged in our relationship. Now I am literally alone as we are separated. Not that different. I do have dd and a dog- that definitely helps. But- I would say be patient with yourself. I think about being with someone sometimes, but know: 1. I'm not available yet- not yet divorced, 2. I need to work on getting healthy. I NEVER want to be that poor woman in an al-anon meeting complaining about her 2nd or 3rd AH. I've seen it before on this forum- like attracts like. I want to project "healthy" out into the universe- figure out who I am, cultivate some healthy friendships, and then I may be ready to be in a relationship. In the meantime, I go to school, volunteer and try to get out of the house to do things that will allow me to meet new people. Take care of you first and the rest will follow. (Dogs are great too- gets you out in the world and you meet people who love dogs walking theirs. . .) :o)

Why can't they be around? I think this is your false thinking...what I call the "I can deal with anything by myself" thinking. Call your friends and family. Talk to them. Trust me, I know what you mean about "thinking" they don't want to hear it anymore, but the truth is they are your friends for a reason. You need to be able to lean on them. That's what they are there for.

I also agree with the others that it might be good to take a class or something. Do something that gets you out of the house and into the world. Maybe you'll meet some new people. Your goal is not to make lifelong friends (although that would be nice). It's just to have a good time TODAY. You're stuck in a rut, doing the same ol', same ol'. I'm right there with you. Steps I taken to get out of the house are to start a book club with some friends (and their friends so I meet new people) and taking a cooking class at a local restaurant. It's just a one evening class but it's something to get me out of the house. It really does help to break up the monotony of day to day life, especially when you're lonely.

(((HUGS)))

What a terrific message, and big kudos to you for recognizing you want to work on getting healthy, and to not repeat the same mistake over!

My dogs are great companions too!

Designer thanks for this thread - I've been in a "lonely" funk lately - but I don't think it has anything to do with how many friends, dates, slots filled on my social calendar, etc. For me it sems to be a direct reflection of my level of self-worth I'm feeling at a particular moment.

When my self-worth is high, I tend to live in the moment and can relax and appreciate what I have. When my self worth is sinking or on the low end, I always start looking at what others have or what I "should" be doing if I were living a happy and fulfilling life.

I've found that if I look at my life through a realistic lense and not a distorted one, I don't really have any reason to feel lonely. Getting that realistic lense is something I can only personally do if my level of self worth is high.

oh, POWERFUL. what a great statement. thank you.

for me it's important to be gentle with my feelings and have them and accept them. but with certain topics, like this one, i can so easily slip into self pity that i also have to check how i'm speaking to myself.

i remind myself that being alone, loneliness and solitude all have different meanings. and then i try to focus on the idea that i HAVE solitude today rather than thinking "i AM alone."

Design - how are you doing?

I feel you
 

I feel what your going through. I feel alone as well since me and my exabf split. And your so right, I want to vent but don't wanna burden my friends with is 24/7. Coming here does help. Full of people who have been where you are, can relate, offer advice or just listen. Have you gone to a meeting? I'm going to my first tonight, but from what i hear, they can be really helpful. Best of luck healing yourself. And remember, you are not alone!