Just when you start to feel better ....
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
Just when you start to feel better ....
The old alcoholic behavior comes back with full force.
My A is one month post-rehab, living on his own and working "hard" in the AA program. We're trying to move towards reconciliation, and that involves a lot of openness, honesty, patience, and forgiveness. Man, this recovery stuff is hard!
Oh, did I mention that he skipped work today to drink? That he lied to me and canceled family plans to be alone with his alcohol?
I know that "slips" are part of the process, but I feel so finished with this. I would like for him to find recovery, but I'm honestly wondering if he's capable of it right now. I might be comfortable being second in his life if recovery is #1, but I cannot live in a relationship where I come in some distance behind a twelve pack of Natural Light!
He's going to accuse me of expecting him to be perfect, and my codie self will start thinking, "You know, I am really being unrealistic. He is trying hard - I owe him a second chance." Not even thinking about what I owe myself - some sanity. Thankfully, the codie self is now kept company by an assertive self.
I cannot live with lies. I thought that if he moved into an apartment there would be enough room between us - maybe his crap wouldn't affect me. But here I am, in a different house and still living with lies. His behavior is unacceptable to me - even if it didn't involve alcohol. It is not acceptable to break plans with me at the last minute without apologizing, and it is not acceptable be dishonest.
He has all kinds of space. He has lots of time to make decisions about drinking or not drinking. If the drinking is already starting to infringe on the small amount of time that we have devoted to each other, there's probably a lot more going on that I don't know about.
This sucks.
-TC
My A is one month post-rehab, living on his own and working "hard" in the AA program. We're trying to move towards reconciliation, and that involves a lot of openness, honesty, patience, and forgiveness. Man, this recovery stuff is hard!
Oh, did I mention that he skipped work today to drink? That he lied to me and canceled family plans to be alone with his alcohol?
I know that "slips" are part of the process, but I feel so finished with this. I would like for him to find recovery, but I'm honestly wondering if he's capable of it right now. I might be comfortable being second in his life if recovery is #1, but I cannot live in a relationship where I come in some distance behind a twelve pack of Natural Light!
He's going to accuse me of expecting him to be perfect, and my codie self will start thinking, "You know, I am really being unrealistic. He is trying hard - I owe him a second chance." Not even thinking about what I owe myself - some sanity. Thankfully, the codie self is now kept company by an assertive self.
I cannot live with lies. I thought that if he moved into an apartment there would be enough room between us - maybe his crap wouldn't affect me. But here I am, in a different house and still living with lies. His behavior is unacceptable to me - even if it didn't involve alcohol. It is not acceptable to break plans with me at the last minute without apologizing, and it is not acceptable be dishonest.
He has all kinds of space. He has lots of time to make decisions about drinking or not drinking. If the drinking is already starting to infringe on the small amount of time that we have devoted to each other, there's probably a lot more going on that I don't know about.
This sucks.
-TC
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Oh TC....my heart goes out to you.
On reading your post you sound like YOU have come along way though yourself and you know your behaviour so well from experience. It is so easy to get sucked in time and time again isn"t it? because we so want to believe that they really are working the program and the future looks brighter. I am also guilty many many times for putting my needs second...thank you for reminding me of that today...and I wish you strength and courage to deal with your situation for today.
Thank you again for a few reminders to myself in your post. All the best PHIZ :0)
On reading your post you sound like YOU have come along way though yourself and you know your behaviour so well from experience. It is so easy to get sucked in time and time again isn"t it? because we so want to believe that they really are working the program and the future looks brighter. I am also guilty many many times for putting my needs second...thank you for reminding me of that today...and I wish you strength and courage to deal with your situation for today.
Thank you again for a few reminders to myself in your post. All the best PHIZ :0)
Last edited by PHIZ007; 04-29-2008 at 09:36 PM. Reason: hadn't finished post pressed wrong button! whoops!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Yes it does suck!!!
I waited patiently for my AH to find sobriety 20 years to be exact.
Every time I hoped "this time it will be different".
I am now divorcing him,except I cannot find him (again) to have the papers served.
Take care of you,the pain we are left with can get better,keep working on you.
God Bless...
I waited patiently for my AH to find sobriety 20 years to be exact.
Every time I hoped "this time it will be different".
I am now divorcing him,except I cannot find him (again) to have the papers served.
Take care of you,the pain we are left with can get better,keep working on you.
God Bless...
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
I got that sinking feeling in my stomach yesterday.
I hate that feeling.
But, this morning, when AH was supposed to pick up our son for school and didn't show - there was no sinking feeling. Just confirmation that life with an active addict is a chaos that I don't want.
I HATE the look of disappointment and confusion in my child's eyes when his father doesn't follow through on promises. It seems much healthier to just remove the A from the equation as much as possible, tell my son that his father loves him but is too ill to manage his own life, and quit playing this silly game.
It is so hard to watch someone try and fail.
I realized today that it has been almost exactly one year since AH told me about his "drinking problem." Sometimes when I read posts from people who've been in painful alcoholic relationships for 20+ years I wonder, "How did they put up with it for so long?"
Now I know - they just kept doing what I've been doing.
Let's draw the line. Let's say that one year of fighting and trying and focusing on him is way more than enough. I don't owe him any more of my life.
-TC
I hate that feeling.
But, this morning, when AH was supposed to pick up our son for school and didn't show - there was no sinking feeling. Just confirmation that life with an active addict is a chaos that I don't want.
I HATE the look of disappointment and confusion in my child's eyes when his father doesn't follow through on promises. It seems much healthier to just remove the A from the equation as much as possible, tell my son that his father loves him but is too ill to manage his own life, and quit playing this silly game.
It is so hard to watch someone try and fail.
I realized today that it has been almost exactly one year since AH told me about his "drinking problem." Sometimes when I read posts from people who've been in painful alcoholic relationships for 20+ years I wonder, "How did they put up with it for so long?"
Now I know - they just kept doing what I've been doing.
Let's draw the line. Let's say that one year of fighting and trying and focusing on him is way more than enough. I don't owe him any more of my life.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey TC--
Bummer. But wow- although you sound really bummed out about this you also are seeing it very clearly, your voice is strong, rational.
This caught my eye:
"I know that "slips" are part of the process..."
I think the addicts hear this in the rooms a lot. I remember my brother saying that to me during one of his attmpts at AA and sobriety- after he had completely gone off the program and back to drinking - he said "relapse is part of recovery." It never sat well with me that statement. I feel like, no, relapse is part of the addiction!! He's still drinking.
Take good care--of yourself and your children.
((hugs))
Peace,
B.
Bummer. But wow- although you sound really bummed out about this you also are seeing it very clearly, your voice is strong, rational.
This caught my eye:
"I know that "slips" are part of the process..."
I think the addicts hear this in the rooms a lot. I remember my brother saying that to me during one of his attmpts at AA and sobriety- after he had completely gone off the program and back to drinking - he said "relapse is part of recovery." It never sat well with me that statement. I feel like, no, relapse is part of the addiction!! He's still drinking.
Take good care--of yourself and your children.
((hugs))
Peace,
B.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I am sorry to say that statement doesn't sit well with me either. It's almost as if As hear that and a bell goes off and they think it means, "It's okay if I drink" and eventually take full advantage of it.
ABF and I were in a family session at a treatment center for four hours last night. Sadly this is one of the issues I brought up in our family group. When we all got together in the same room, it was one of the first questions he asked the addicts and family members of addicts. "How much room is there for relapse?" ABF is already looking for a way to keep drinking in his life as his safety net and he hasn't even completed the program yet. Sheesh.
Sometimes I think I'm just banging my head against the wall just listening to the denial and bs.
J
ABF and I were in a family session at a treatment center for four hours last night. Sadly this is one of the issues I brought up in our family group. When we all got together in the same room, it was one of the first questions he asked the addicts and family members of addicts. "How much room is there for relapse?" ABF is already looking for a way to keep drinking in his life as his safety net and he hasn't even completed the program yet. Sheesh.
Sometimes I think I'm just banging my head against the wall just listening to the denial and bs.
J
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by sunshine321 
I am sorry to say that statement doesn't sit well with me either. It's almost as if As hear that and a bell goes off and they think it means, "It's okay if I drink" and eventually take full advantage of it.
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
I have to say that the difference in his attitude upon returning from rehab was remarkable. He'd been attending AA meetings everyday, found a sponsor, hell, we even listened to tapes from speaker meetings on road trips!
He tells me he is transformed - it even seemed like it there for awhile.
But he is not.
We're pretty familiar around here with the A who quits drinking but doesn't work a recovery program - the old attitudes stick around and stink up the place.
Turns out, there's also the A who does everything according to the textbook and still can't manage two weeks of sobriety. It just isn't important enough to him yet. He'll give sobriety some meetings, some readings, and some thought, but he won't give up the alcohol.
Good for him for finding "a new way of looking at the world" (his words), but that doesn't do me much good.
I'm not going to make a life with someone who using alcohol to manage his problems, no matter how much emotional "progress" he's made.
It's taken me a long time to be able to say that without feeling guilty. Hooray for freedom from guilt!
I just opened my own checking account and made an appointment with an attorney. Let's get this started.
-TC
He tells me he is transformed - it even seemed like it there for awhile.
But he is not.
We're pretty familiar around here with the A who quits drinking but doesn't work a recovery program - the old attitudes stick around and stink up the place.
Turns out, there's also the A who does everything according to the textbook and still can't manage two weeks of sobriety. It just isn't important enough to him yet. He'll give sobriety some meetings, some readings, and some thought, but he won't give up the alcohol.
Good for him for finding "a new way of looking at the world" (his words), but that doesn't do me much good.
I'm not going to make a life with someone who using alcohol to manage his problems, no matter how much emotional "progress" he's made.
It's taken me a long time to be able to say that without feeling guilty. Hooray for freedom from guilt!
I just opened my own checking account and made an appointment with an attorney. Let's get this started.
-TC
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