wish he'd quit

For a long time now i have been having to ask my parents and AH's mom to keep the kids for me if I have something I need to do. AH does not always have the patience to keep the kids or he is drinking, or working. I have been making a point of not leaving the kids with AH if he is drinking at all or drunk. But I have been having some serious guilty feelings for having to ask them all the time. I don't have a babysitter other than them that is close by. I feel like I am taking advantage of them, but at the same time I don't have much of a choice. I hate feeling like this.

peaceteach

How about being proud of yourself for always making the right decision regarding your children. You sound like a great mother who CARES for her children enough to know what is best for them. This is a blessing, not something to feel guilty about. Have you talked with your parents or his about his drinking yet? I know I tended to hide how bad things were at home when married to my exAH, being embarrassed and not wanting the families to "hate" him, almost like I was protecting him even. Maybe it is time for all of you to have a serious talk, with or without him.

I think you are doing something great by asking for help with your children. Imagine how guilty you would feel if you actually left them with your AH and something bad happened to them. I NEVER left my little ones with their alcoholic dad, NOT ONCE. It only takes one time for something irrevocable to happen to helpless children and babies. Good job, Wish.

It is a tendency for codependents to always feel guilty about something. Did you know that? Have you been reading any codependency literature? I love Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More." It was a real eye-opener for me when I was much younger and first realized how badly I had been affected by my husband's alcoholism.

I'm glad you are reaching out here for comfort. It is so healthy to actually start talking about the problem instead of just keeping it all to yourself. Healthy people do that, you know, ask others for help in life. Families do that, too. And trust me, grandparents love having their grandchildren around so much! Some live for those moments. I'll bet that no matter where your life leads, your family will be supportive and grateful that YOU are a mature, loving mother to those kids who always makes sure they are safe and loved

LucyA

Don't feel guilty, I'm a single mum and I work full time so my mum and dad have my kids quite a lot (and my nephew now he's with me) Not so very long ago I confessed to my mum that I felt bad dumping my kids on her when I was working. She said she loved having the time with them when I wasn't there, she can spoil them and do 'nanna things' that she and the kids don't do when I'm around and she also said she would hate it if we did 'duty' visits on Sundays or things like that.

Now I don't feel bad at all because we're all getting something out of it. My parents get quality time with their grandkids, I get to go to work and the boys get the benefit of a role model male in my dad which they don't have here ( because I won't have one in the house )

Barbara52

You are protecting your children! Why would you feel guilty about do the right thing?

I am sure if you parents or MIL feel used, they would say so. Or at least I hope they would. That is up to them. Most grandparents love spending time with their grandkids ya know.

Perhaps part of the guilt you are feeling is guilt by association? I mean guilt because your AH is not doing what he should be doing and you are taking on his guilt? Let go of that guilt. His problems, issues and failures are his to own, not yours.

wish he'd quit

Thanks everyone! You put it into perspective for me. I havent read anything on co-dependency but I can see it more and more every day, through what I am learning in other posts. I think alot of it is guilt by association. Being his wife I feel guilty because it is now no longer affecting just me but everyone else.