shellygirl

Hi, I've been in alanon for along time but just found this site awhile ago and am grateful for your frankness and honestly. I will soon be divorced from my AH who was sober for 20 years but started drinking again 2 years ago. I also found evidence of cheating although he still denies it to this day. In taking care of myself and our teenage son I've decided to end our marriage. He has chosen to sleep with other woman while we have been separated and continued to drink and that just doesn't work for my serenity. He keeps telling me he doesn't want the divorce, he wants his family back but never talks about giving up the drinking or the woman (although claims he doesn't love her). We met yesterday to talk terms of the divorce and he just sobbed and sobbed and now won't answer my calls. He doesn't call our boys or see them and he is so far into denial and this illness that I'm scared for him. Please remind me that I am powerless over him. Last year I made an attempt at reconciliation and of course nothing changed so I know I can not save him but I need a good kick in the "you know what" to remind me that I need to concentrate on my recovery and leave his to himself.

peaceteach

We worry so much more than is necessary, I think. Looking back through the separation and divorce from my exAH I can remember worrying daily about him surviving without my help. He did. Every time! Constant contact during that time just stretched the anquish, but I was afraid what might happen if I didn't answer the phone. Now I know the same things happen with or without me in the picture.

Take care of you, sweetie, and let your AH over to his HP. In doing this, you are giving him the dignity to live with his own consequences, while you decide what you truly want your life to be like.

He has crossed a line and you are finding the strength to say "I do not deserve to live this way."

Barbara52

Yes, indeed concentrate on yourself and your son. The rest will go as it will, indeed out of your control.

GiveLove

shelly,
You and your son deserve better. You know this.
And you can't change his priorities.....only he can do that.
As for his behavior right now, well, that's what alcoholics do.
Take care of yourself and get busy building a life that deserves you. He and the other seven billion earthlings have to take care of themselves...you can only control YOU.

Hugs,
GL

abcdefg

hi, shelly.

thanks for your post.

when i'm teetering on this line, it's often good for me to increase my meetings, writing, reading and outreach calls.

also, i try to focus on how my situation filters through whatever step i'm working on. for instance, if i was on Step 6, i would be asking myself which of my defects of character are at play here that are pulling the focus off of me and drawing me toward insanity.

then there is other stuff i do to break obsessive thoughts. for instance, every time i even THINK of (fill-in-the-blank) whether it's a visual flash or having an imaginary conversation or whatever, i have to get up and go brush my teeth (or wash dishes, or any equivalent motion). that's a REALLY concrete way for me to see how much my thinking of someone/something else is interfering with my sanity.

you sound really willing so this may be irrelevant but i'll mention it: if i'm not feeling willing to do any of these things that help (cause that happens to me), i have to pray for the willingness to be willing.

those are just some things that have kept me on the straight and narrow in difficult times.

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome Shelly-
Move in the direction of joy. Addiction and adultry are good reasons to make a choice for what is best for you and your sons.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.

i4getsm

You have no idea how much I needed this post tonight. I was crying to my mother because I'm so concerned about my STBXAH. He seems so down that I'm actually scared for him. I wasted a good few hours today worry about him. Tonight I check our bills, and that jerk has been out spending over $500 at a ta-ta bar! :codiepolice: I think that was God letting me know that I need to let this man go and let my emotions for him go right along with him!

Thank you for the reminder that just because I care about him doesn't mean that he cares about me. Like you, I can only do what's best for me and my kids. After all, it sounds like our AHs are only doing what's best for them.

Pajarito

Hi Shelly- right there with you. I'm in the process of divorcing my AH, and it is extremely hard for me to focus everything on me. I have slowly gone in that direction, but it takes such effort- amazing! I think we are so used to focusing all of our energy on them- what is he doing, why is he doing it??? It is insanity. My AH was emotionally unfaithful, but denies it sometimes, minimizes the impact of it on me, minimizes the impact of his alcoholism on me, and has basically said in so many words that he's going to do what he pleases- Why can't I accept him for who he is? Well, I can- I just can't live with him. I realize now more than ever that I can't control anything he does. It was an interesting "experiment" for me when he left us- (me and dd)- I used to put my foot up his a@# to get him to do things. When I stood back and let him do his own thing- he did nothing. I don't want to tell him what to do. I want to live my life peacefully. Alcohol and infidelity bring me no peace. It's not what I deserve, and I think you realize it's not what you deserve- or your son. Yes- take care of you, take care of your son, and leave your adult husband to take care of himself. (((Peace)))

sunshine321

Sounds like you just some affirmation that you've made the right decision even though you already know you've made the right decision . You reached your limit (everyone has one) and you're moving on. Don't let the guilt and his sob story keep you where you don't want or need to be. Good for you that you've taken your life back and you are in control of you again. Keep on keeping on.

J